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I'll rate this chapter M just to be safe.

You Don't Have To Stand Alone

Chapter 9 – Explanations

Allison awoke with stiff muscles and a surly attitude. She was never much of a morning person anyway but Anders hot and cold act the night before had made things worse than usual.

The bedroom was empty and she was glad. As she looked around the sparse quarters everything seemed to look more depressing and forlorn than before.

Allison trudged to the well to fill the large washing bowl with water to clean her face. The sight of the chamber pot made her want to scream.

I need to get the hell out of here!

After taking care of her personal needs in the most archaic way imaginable, Allison squared her shoulders and prepared to face Anders in the humiliating light of day.

He was seated at the table, a piece of crumbly bread in front of him. As Allison entered the room, Anders only acknowledged her presence with a slight nod.

So that's how it's going to be, she thought angrily. Fine!

"You should eat something." Anders said in a disinterested voice. "While you were sleeping, I went back through some of the books we looked at and I started mapping out places that I think might be sensitive spots where the Fade meets our world. I'll need another day to complete it but we're closer to getting you back where you belong."

His voice was hard, none of the gentleness that Allison had become used to could be detected.

Her resolve to remain unaffected faltered under that flat tone.

Why is he so distant? Was kissing me really that repulsive?

A thousand doubts flew through her mind, all of them casting her in the role of an undesirable freak. Maybe Anders was ok with treating the sick but not kissing them? Maybe her mistake in going to the Gallows had been the last straw and he was done with her?

Allison tried to gather the cloak of bravado around her like armor. It had served her well in the past when people hurt her, and she could use it now.

Keeping her head high, Allison walked casually over to the table to read over Anders' shoulder. She saw him stiffen when he felt her behind him and she tried to ignore the sick twisting her stomach.

Allison studied the map he had drawn and she had to admit that he was talented. It looked like something you would see in a museum in her world. Anders had used a simple piece of parchment, a quill pen and ink. His script was elegant and his rough outlines of the area showed artistic skill.

"That's a beautiful drawing Anders." she said, keeping her voice level.

He seemed startled by her statement. "It's nothing. I used to draw when I was in solitary confinement in the Circle. At least now it's come in handy." He looked as if he were about to say something and then changed his mind and said something else. "I'll let you know when this is ready and we can start looking for these places."

Allison realized that she had just been dismissed. Her eyes stung but she refused to let it show.

Anders watched Allison paste on a brittle smile and he felt like a callous ass. Her eyes were moist and he almost reached out to her. Justice stayed his hand.

It's better this way, the spirit assured him.

Anders wished that he could kick Justice but that wasn't possible.

It's easy for you. You don't have any feelings. You don't care that she's hurt, Anders argued internally.

There was an odd beat of silence before Justice answered.

I am not without all feeling. It is unfortunate that we must act this way but it is for the best.

The spirit almost sounded regretful but Anders figured that he must be projecting his own emotions onto Justice.

Allison walked back into the bedroom and picked up her backpack.

Anders raised his eyebrows. "Where are you going?" he asked. There was concern in his voice that he couldn't hide.

Allison gave him a pointed look. "Why do you care? It's obvious that you don't want me here so I'm going to give you a break. I'll see you later."

Anders stood up. "It isn't safe for you to walk around alone."

Allison spun around, her teeth bared. "I'd rather take my chances out there then be stuck in here with someone who kisses me one minute and then treats me like a pariah the next!"

She walked out the door before Anders could respond.

He sat back down, staring after her, before rubbing his hands over his face tiredly.

I'm sorry.

Allison pulled her pepper spray out of her bag. There was no need to repeat what had happened her first day in Kirkwall.

As she rounded the corner, she almost tripped on a couple of children playing on the walkway.

They looked up at her with dirty faces and tattered clothing. The smell of Darktown hit her nostrils strongly but she kept her face pleasant. The rank odor of feces and unwashed bodies hung heavily in the air. There wasn't really a breeze coming from the sea that day so there was nothing to wash the stench away.

One of the children, a little girl with dark brown hair and cherub cheeks, stared up at Allison. Her brown eyes were wide and much too sad for a child that had to be only five or six.

"Do you have any food?" the girl asked.

The little boy who was with her, shoved the girl, looking angry. He had to be around seven and his features were similar enough that Allison thought them related.

"Shut up Mina! Papa said not to beg. He's gone to work at the Bone Pit so we don't have to beg anymore!" he said with a red face.

Mina shoved him back just as hard and Allison smiled at the little girl's sassiness.

"Don't you hit me Paul or I'll tell mama and she'll whip you good!" Mina threatened.

Apparently children were the same everywhere when it came to tattling.

Their mother must have been formidable because Paul sat back and sulked.

Allison crouched down, getting eye-level with the girl. She started to say that she didn't have anything when she remembered what she had packed in her bag the day she left.

Duh! How did I forget that? Anders and I could have been munching on these!

Allison reached in her bag and pulled out a granola and chocolate energy bar. She glanced around, abruptly aware that people in dire straits might fight over something like this.

She crooked her finger, beckoning the children closer.

"I have this, but you can't tell anyone and you have to share, alright?" she whispered.

Mina's eyes were now the size of saucers and Paul's toughness had completely disappeared as he eyed the bar with disbelieving hope.

Allison opened the silver wrapper which Mina found fascinating, and took out the energy bar. She broke it in half and gave one to each child.

They didn't even stop to study it. The siblings inhaled the food making Allison worry that they had barely chewed it.

Instead of feeling good, Allison felt worse. This whole situation was wrong. Why were people allowed to live like this?

Mina tugged on Allison's sleeve, getting chocolate on her clothes.

"Can I have the funny paper?" the girl asked.

Allison realized that Mina meant the wrapper and she handed it over. Mina turned it over, a puzzled expression on her face.

"What's it made of?" she asked.

Allison decided that she didn't want to try and explain it so she settled on something simple.

"It's from far away. Just keep it to yourselves ok?"

Mina nodded and began playing with it.

Paul approached her from the other side, looking worried. "You won't tell our papa that we begged will you?"

The little boy looked so serious and Allison's heart broke. He should be out running in tall grass and building forts with sheets.

Allison put her hand up in a pledge. "I promise, I won't tell anyone."

She got up and brushed her jeans off. She started to walk away but turned back to the children.

"Take care of each other ok?" she said quietly.

They nodded and Paul started chasing Mina while the girl ran around with the wrapper in her hand.

Allison walked carefully around those sleeping on the ground. The oppressive atmosphere seemed to be closing in on her.

She found her way to the lift Anders had used to go above ground. Glancing around, she didn't see Tomwise so she got on the lift and headed up.

It smelled better in Lowtown for sure. It seemed life got more hopeful the higher up you went. If she looked up, Allison could see the cliffs that surrounded Hightown off in the distance. She wondered if any of the rich nobles who occupied that area ever came here. Did they know what was going on or were they too self-satisfied to care?

Feeling annoyed and helpless, Allison made her way along the street until she saw the telltale sign over the Hanged Man.

I wish my cell phone was charged so I could take a picture of that thing.

Allison pushed the heavy door open and was surprised to see so many people in the tavern. It had to be what? Nine in the morning her time?

Shaking her head, Allison stepped fully inside, leaving the sunlight behind her.

"Hey! Why don't you sit that sweet ass down right here?" a slurred voice called.

Allison looked over her shoulder and saw a man with a grizzly beard leering at her. She was pretty sure that he had enough food stuck in his facial hair to make a meal.

"Not interested." She replied and started walking towards the bar.

Somehow he was not as surprised to see Isabela there. The pirate appeared to be having whiskey for breakfast.

"It's a little early isn't it?" Allison asked.

Isabela downed the rest of her drink and slammed the glass on the counter. "Sweetie, it's never too early for piss poor liquor. Besides, that was mother's milk when I grew up."

Allison balked. "I hope you're kidding." she said warily.

Isabela smirked. "Of course I am. I wasn't raised by street trash."

"I never said you were. I'm new here remember? How do I know what people in Thedas do?" Allison shrugged.

Isabela gave her a look and Allison cut her off. "Don't start! I don't need you to show me what people do."

The pirate laughed merrily and gestured for Allison to have a seat.

"So, what brings you here this morning? Why aren't you and the mage polishing his…" Isabela raised her hands when Allison glared at her. "Just kidding! You're so fun to tease. Well?" Isabela waited.

Allison made a point of studying the grain of the table. Her fingers traced the swirls of the wood aimlessly while she tried to think of an answer that wasn't embarrassing.

"Anders needed to be alone for a while." Allison hoped that her tone conveyed that she didn't want to talk about it.

Isabela didn't care. "Oh ho! Did you two have falling out? Varric seemed to think that you were going to get lucky last night when he left."

Allison gasped. "Varric told you what happened? That little…" she fumed.

Isabela grinned cheekily. "It all sounded very romantic and intense. The tall, handsome, tormented mage and the delicate stranger from another world; staring into each other's eyes with lust. Yum!"

Allison made a sound of disgust. "I am not delicate. And nothing happened."

Isabela regarded her silently for a moment before waving to the bartender for more drinks. "Hmmm. Tell me all about it. What did the mean mage do to you?"

A woman carried a bottle and another glass over to the table.

"Um, I don't drink." Allison stated, smelling the liquor in the bottle.

Isabela winked. "Don't worry, I can drink for the both of us. Now, fess up. What happened?"

Allison wasn't used to girl talk but she suddenly wanted another perspective on what had occurred between her and Anders.

Allison folded her hands on the table, casting a dubious glance at Isabela, unable to believe that she was about to spill her guts to this woman.

"Well, in short, Anders kissed me and then he ran away." Allison replied, keeping her eyes down.

Isabela sat up straight and took a hard look at the dark-haired girl sitting next to her. Allison was nibbling on her bottom lip and refused to look at her.

"Come here." Isabela ordered and when Allison raised her head in confusion, Isabela grabbed her and planted a firm kiss on her lips.

Isabela tilted her head as if thinking. "Well, it couldn't have been the kiss that did it. Go on." She concluded and picked up her drink again.

Allison was still reeling from the fact that she had just been kissed by a woman. Katy Perry's song flitted through her mind in a kind of surreal way.

Watching Allison's mouth open and close like a fish made Isabela burst out laughing.

She nudged Allison playfully. "Oh come on. I was just testing the waters to see if Anders ran off because it was awful. It wasn't, so it must have been something else."

Allison blinked slowly. "Thank you…I guess?"

Isabela winked again. "Mmm…you bet."

Allison wanted to laugh so she did. Isabela patted her on the back.

"That's better!" she approved.

"What's so funny?" Varric asked as he joined them at the table.

Allison felt her cheeks warm when she thought about Varric seeing her and Anders together.

Isabela slid the extra glass over to the dwarf, who proceeded to pour himself a drink.

The pirate gestured at Allison. "Our dear healer pulled a disappearing act on our new friend last night."

Varric looked surprised. "Oh? I thought things looked nice and cozy when I left, Denim." He propped his feet on the table and waited.

Allison sighed. "As I told Isabela, everything was fine. He kissed me and it was…" Allison looked down again. "Never mind. Anyway, afterwards he said that he shouldn't have done it and he ran off. When I woke up this morning he was barely civil and he made it very clear that he wants me to leave as soon as possible."

All of the doubt was back again and Allison laid her head on the table. She felt a hand rubbing her back.

"Oh, poor thing!" Isabela cooed. "Varric, do you think Old Blue had anything to do with it?"

Allison looked up to find Varric stroking his chin.

"Could be. He doesn't like for our boy to have any fun that's for sure." Varric chuckled.

Allison was obviously out of the loop. "Who's Old Blue?"

Isabela and Varric shared a meaningful look. Isabela actually looked uncomfortable.

"Ummm…Anders hasn't told you about his friend?" the pirate inquired mysteriously.

Allison frowned. "His friend? What friend?"

Varric sat up. "Rivaini, hold on. It's not our place to tell that story."

Isabela waved him off. "Oh please! If Anders is going to act like a sodding idiot, then I think Allison has the right to know why." She blew a kiss at Allison. "We wouldn't want her to think it's her fault would we?"

Allison groaned. "Would you guys please just tell me what is going on?"

Varric shook his head but seemed resigned. "Go ahead, since you want to spill the beans so badly."

Isabela's eyes lit up with excitement. "Well! Apparently when Anders was in Amaranthine, he met a spirit of Justice who was trapped outside the Fade. The spirit needed a host and Anders volunteered."

Allison's head was swimming with words she didn't understand. "Wait, wait. Anders met a spirit? What the hell does that mean?" she demanded.

Varric rolled his eyes. "Let me handle this Rivaini." He leaned forward, watching Allison's face carefully. It made her nervous.

"How much has Anders explained to you about the way things work here? About the Fade?" Varric asked.

Allison made a helpless gesture. "I know a little. He told me about mages and the Harrowing; what they face in the Fade."

Varric nodded. "Good, then this won't be such a shock. In the Fade there what humans call spirits. They're not demons, they're the good guys. According to Blondie, spirits embody the virtues of men; virtues like love, fortitude and justice." Varric paused and Allison motioned for him to continue.

"When Anders first became a Grey Warden, there was some kind of accident and a Spirit of Justice from the Fade was trapped in our world. At first he occupied the body of a fallen Warden, but the body was wasting away and the spirit couldn't stay there. They weren't sure what would happen to it when the body finally uh… decomposed so, Anders offered to let Justice live inside him."

Allison was astounded, and more than a little disturbed. She couldn't speak for a full five minutes and Varric and Isabela seemed to understand. They sat quietly while she digested everything that Varric had told her.

Allison rubbed her eyes and tried to remember that she was far from home.

"Ok. You're telling me that Anders, the man that I'm currently staying with, has a…spirit living inside of him, sharing his body? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"

Isabela chimed in. "That's right Sweet Cheeks. And when Justice comes out to play our boy turns all blue and bright."

Allison knew that she must look silly but she couldn't help it when her mouth fell open. She had seen that strange blue light crackle across Anders' skin!

Varric gave her a considering look. "Methinks that you've seen Anders' passenger before."

Allison just nodded mutely.

Isabela looked curious. "When did you see him?"

Allison thought back to the most recent time. "We were talking about what you all do for work and I was bothered when Anders said that he kills people for money. That's not how things work where I come from and I thought that it wasn't justice…" her voice trailed off as she replayed the conversation. Justice.

Isabela nodded sagely. "Ah yes, that'll do it. There are a few things guaranteed to bring the Old Bore out: talking about the Chantry, talking about the Templars, talking about the Circle and of course mentioning his name." Isabela counted on her fingers.

Allison struggled to stay calm but finding out that she had been in the presence of some weird spirit from a dream realm was disconcerting.

"So, when I saw that blue light coming from Anders and his voice got kind of odd; that was Justice?" she asked, mortified to hear her voice crack a little.

Varric and Isabela nodded.

Allison cupped her hand around her throat reflexively. "Is that what happens when Anders gets angry? He goes all Hulk on people?"

When the others just looked at her mystified, Allison rolled her eyes.

"It's a fictional character where I come from. He's a regular guy until he gets mad and then he turns into a monster that destroys everything. "Hulk smash" and all that. Oh forget it!" she snapped at their blank expressions. "My point is; would Anders have hurt me?"

Her companions shared another look which made her less afraid and more pissed off.

"Just tell me!" she cried. A few patrons glanced over at the commotion and then went back to drinking.

Varric looked alarmed. "Shhh! Anders doesn't need the Chantry getting wind that he's carrying extra baggage. They already want him brought in for escaping the Circle in Ferelden. If they found out about Justice he'd be hanged as an abomination."

Allison wanted to pull out her hair in frustration. She needed a damn dictionary! "A what?"

"An abomination is what happens when a mage is taken over by a demon. It's a bad thing." Varric answered.

Allison took a couple of deep breaths. This conversation was not what she expected when she came in.

"You say that like Anders having a spirit in him is different." she replied.

Isabela winced. "Um yes, we really should make that clear so Anders or Justice doesn't set you on fire. They are different. Just remember: spirits are good, demons are bad. A spirit joining with a person doesn't make an abomination because they are forces of good."

Allison sat back exhausted. "If Justice is good then why does he only show up when Anders gets upset? I thought he was going to throttle me before."

Varric allowed that. "According to Anders, when Justice melded with him, he took on Anders' anger about the plight of mages. It warped the spirit somehow, and he's not exactly like he used to be in the Fade."

Allison assumed an air of nonchalance. "Oh, I see. The spirit living inside of Anders hates me and might kill me if I push him. Do I have that right?"

Isabela snorted. "Basically."

Varric held a hand up. "Not really. Anders tried to keep a short leash on his friend. Sometimes he gets away from him but you're not in any danger if you don't bring the Templars to his door."

Allison remembered why the subject of Justice had come up in the first place.

"Why did you guys think that Justice had something to do with why Anders is acting like I have the plague?"

Isabela took this one. "This is the delicious part. Ever since Anders and Justice got together, Justice has been making sure that Anders stays focused on helping mages. No distractions. That means no drink, no parties…no sex." Isabela waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Allison felt uncomfortable talking about Anders and sex. Probably because she wanted to think about it.

She looked disapprovingly at Isabela. "There's nothing wrong with being intent on your work. Sex isn't the most important thing in the world."

Isabela had been taking a swig of whiskey when she said that and she almost choked on it.

"Ha! Only people who've never had good sex say that." Isabela eyed Allison critically. "Have you ever had really good sex Allison? I mean, toe-curling, back-clawing, screaming- loud- enough- to wake the dead sex?"

Allison sputtered indignantly. "That's none of your business!"

Varric laughed. "I'm thinking that means no."

Allison glared at him. "Have you had sex with anyone besides Bianca?" she asked.

Varric petted his crossbow. "Don't listen to her Baby." he murmured.

Isabela clucked her tongue. "Oh Sweetie, we have to get you to the Blooming Rose."

Allison folded her arms defensively. "I'm not naïve, it just wasn't all it was cracked up to be." she muttered.

Isabela suddenly looked dreamy. "It's a shame that Anders isn't game. That boy could teach you some things. He's very clever."

The woman's words hinted at personal knowledge and Allison found herself feeling upset at the thought of Anders being intimate with the pirate. Of course Isabela was absolutely stunning. Her body was out of this world and her own and when you spent time with her Isabela showed a rare wit and vivacity. Why wouldn't Anders want her?

Why didn't Anders want you? Her inner voice mocked.

Isabela had obviously read Allison's face and she grinned widely. "Don't worry Pet. I never mastered his taint."

Allison was sure that was some kind of sick sexual reference so she ignored it except for gleaning that Isabela and Anders had never slept together. It shouldn't matter to her anyway. She barely knew the man.

"So, your point is that you believe Justice put a stop to things with Anders yesterday?" Allison concluded.

Isabela checked how much alcohol was left in the bottle. "Yep. He's kept Ander celibate for years. Personally I think it would good for Justice to get a good boink."

Finding that the bottle was empty gave Isabela an idea. Allison saw the glint in the woman's eye and felt her stomach flop.

"Let's go to the Rose!" Isabela cried, grabbing Allison's hand and yanking her to her feet.

Varric groaned. "Stone protect us. Rivaini are you crazy? Anders wouldn't want you taking her there."

His comment brought out the childish part of Allison. "Why not? It's none of his business what I do. Besides, I won't be here for very long, I should look around. What is the Rose?"

Isabela put an arm around her shoulders. "It's a place of decadent delights and it has something for all tastes."

Varric grunted. "It's a brothel Denim. You don't want to go there."

Isabela pounced on her weakness. "Well, you could back to the clinic and let Anders ignore you. Or you could come and have fun with me." At Allison's look of horror Isabela quickly added. "I'm not taking you there for you to…partake. You can just look."

Allison grimaced. Even in her own world she would never go to a place like that. She started to say no when Isabela interrupted. The pirate pouted in the most pathetic way Allison had ever seen.

"Please! We'll have a meal, on me, and we'll just look and laugh. What's the harm in that?" Isabela pleaded.

Varric threw his arms up. "Oh yes, what could possibly go wrong?"

Allison thought about it. "So it's a restaurant too?" she asked. That seemed unlikely. Of course this place was backwards. Maybe brothels were different here too.

Isabela started pulling her towards the door. "It's a place for entertainment." She tried one more tactic. "Don't you want to do something crazy just once in your life?"

It was crazy, but Allison had to admit that being with Isabela was kind of fun. And besides what harm could it do to just have lunch and look around?

Isabela smelled victory and without waiting for Allison to agree, she pulled her out of the tavern.

Varric stayed where he was and shuddered at the possible trouble Isabela could get Allison into.

"Blondie is gonna kill me Bianca."

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