The Secret Diary of Eric:
Day 1: Have agreed to accompany friends to my amusement park today. Has lost its charm since Daddy gave it to me last birthday, but there's a new ride to try. Will enjoy using rank privileges to impress girls and cut ahead to head of line. Hope Sheila doesn't bring obnoxious little brother along again.
Day 2: Fully intend to pursue lawsuit against TSR, Gygax, and everyone else involved in construction of aforementioned ride immediately upon return. Stuck in a perfectly BEASTLY alternative universe of some kind. Will not accept credit cards or cash of any kind. Taking orders from Stumpy is bad enough, but my garb- my ONLY garb- consists of (get this) chain mail. In primary colors, no less. Garb of women indecent- not that I'm complaining. But pink and teal on a redhead? DM fashion-impaired, or perhaps colorblind.
Day 3: Hank too busy ogling girls to make good decisions or listen to practical advice. I suggested ditching two youngest members (boy and unicorn). Said he'd never score with Sheila if he did that. Prat.
On second thought, unicorn may serve us well as last-ditch food source.
The boy too, for that matter.
Day 8: Unfortunate incident with Know Trees. Must now bribe DM for treatment of embarrassing bite marks. Fortunately, DM has a soft spot for tall boys in chainmail.
Day
11:
Found where missing cape was. I'm sure they all think they're
ever so amusing. Ha ha.
Also learned Straight Boy doesn't stuff
his tights. Mrowr.
Day 12: I tell you, this world is simply BARBARIC. Not a decent barber to be found. Or pharmacy, for that matter. Must remember to privately consult DM for treatment of chain mail-induced rashes in embarrassing places. How I detest this world.
Day 15: Forced to save a kingdom from certain destruction. If you can call such a tacky pseudo-medieval reject a 'kingdom.' Still, money in it for us!
Day 16: Hope others don't find out about the money. DM is such a rat. Said it'd take far more than THAT to bribe him for a way home. He kept it anyway, the little skunk.
Day 18: Venger stopped us from getting home today.
Perhaps HE is the one to bribe.
Day 21: Saved saccharin-sweet Valley of Cliché from evil pointy-headed wizard. No way home for us here, of course. Had golden opportunity to ditch Bobby and Uni, but Sheila carried on too loudly and they found us again. Damn.
Day 23: Spent dreamy afternoon in fantasy of hitting Sheila with a big fat lawsuit...then remembered what they DO to lawyers in this world. Still, a boy can dream...
Day 29: Venger stopped us from getting home today. Not an easy man to approach. Must see DM privately for treatment of burns in embarrassing places.
Day 32: Suspect Presto turning into flower-child- smelled strange odor emanating from hat. Perhaps it's the influence of that hippie chick we rescued from Venger today? Definitely altered personality- no way I'd pay him to do my physics homework now.
Day 34: Stupid orcs. Were supposed to kidnap ME for a private chat with Venger. Got Hank and Bobby instead. Left us fighting for irritating granola-slinging Teddy Ruxpins. On the plus side, we might be rid of Bobby...
~Later~
Well, we have Bobby back. Have given up on bribing Venger, as Ruxpin incident has soured potential business relationship. On the plus side, Sheila and Hank have cooled it off a bit, no more goo goo eyes.
Day 35: Wish Diana would stop making goo-goo eyes at Sheila. Ugh.
Day 36: Wish Presto would stop with the goo-goo eyes at me. That's just not right.
Day 37: Wish Bobby would stop with the goo-goo eyes at Uni. That ought to be illegal.
Day 58: Propositioned by Queen who defies law of gravity. Accepted to piss off Hank. And because she's loaded. Perhaps this world not so bad……
Day 59: No, this world is still bloody ####ed up. Bride-to-be now Bride of Frankenstein.
In other news, Bobby survived. Damn.
Day 69: The ineptitude of my comrades is legendary. Uni's attempt on Hank's life failed miserably, but nobody noticed by me. Don't even get me started on Sheila……
Note to self: must meet DM privately about embarrassing stink.
Day 70: Daddy will be furious about damage to our park, but I admit it amused the hell out of me to imagine his confusion when they view the surveillance tapes tomorrow morning.
Day 95: Just because Hank was too busy trying to score with Sheila behind a sand dune to keep track of where we were does not make it MY fault that we're lost!
Note to self: must bribe DM for a decent sunscreen, and ointment for sunburns in embarrassing places.
Day 105: Saved another kingdom today.
Day 106: Not my fault! Those dice were loaded! Had to beat myself up this time to provide plausible excuse for missing cash.
Note: must see DM for treatment of bruises in embarrassing places.
Day 111: Diana hooked up with Kosar last night. Am beginning to think I will never get laid. Even Presto-the-Pothead is starting to look good.
In other news, saved city from certain destruction.
Day 112: Broke again. Not my fault! Damned prostitutes waited until I was asleep……and the law enforcement in his world is totally useless and downright unsympathetic. Referred to local whoremaster's guild for resolution of issue. They have a guild for that?
Day 115: Filthy barbaric world! Note to self: see DM privately for treatment of...er...itchy spots in embarrassing places.
Day 121: Presto cozied up to me unexpectedly today, offering me suspicious brownies. Offered to show him my parsnip trick. Idiot conjured up scissors instead. Reminded of why I loathe junkies, wandered off for a good long sulk.
Note to self: see DM for treatment of sprained hand.
Day 139: Most embarrassing incident today. Supposed "friends" had a field day. Refuse to talk about it. DM refused to treat this particular malady because of some damned prophecy or another. Irritating little bugger.
Day 161: Stuck in beastly hot prison. Diana digging on Hank, what's with that? Sheila looks furious. V. amusing. Wonder if Sheila might be interested in some vengeance-sex...?
Day 162: Hank reasserted claim on Sheila by copping feel during volcano eruption. Am glad I am above such petty subterfuge.
Day 192: Met poor orphan named Lorne. Poor orphan status means little chance of litigation later. Lucky me! Will offer to show him parsnip trick, though we shall have to substitute stolen baguette instead.
~Later~
So we had a slight misunderstanding and now he's run off in a huff. Others sent me off after him. But first must bribe DM to treat amulet-induced burn wounds in embarrassing places.
Day 193: Stupid obsessive spooky wizard caught us "making up"...then Venger showed up, and then my friends, and DM, and a whole freaking caravan of gypsies, and...ARGH! Is there no privacy in this world? It doesn't matter anyway, the little bastard was just using me- left me for some saucy gypsy wench, who chased me away with a meat cleaver. Suspect him of illicit romance with Diana as well, as she's looking both smug and surly, and no longer whining about Kosar.
Worst day ever. I hate this world.
