A/N: This chapter is Brian's thoughts.
Title: The Nerd and the Jock
Chapter 9
Brian's POV
Ever since I met Justin, I felt the need to help him, comfort him, and be there for him. When I first saw him, I just knew he had depression. I didn't know it was so bad that he was hurting himself. When I sat next to him in science, I decided that was the time to talk to him and to try to be friends with him. When I asked him to work on the project with me, I didn't expect him to agree to work with me. He did seem withdrawn and somewhere else when I asked him. He didn't seem okay when I made a joke. Even though I told him he could talk to me, I knew he didn't believe me and that he wouldn't talk to me. I wanted to help him so I decided to talk to him and help him with finding his classes. I was relieved when we had the same schedule so I could spend a lot of time with him.
When he told me he didn't eat a lot, he seemed to be anorexic. So I asked him and he said he wasn't. Then he started talking and he was crying and it was heartbreaking to hear so I hugged him. I felt him jump but didn't say anything. He grabbed onto my shirt and I just hugged him, hoping to comfort him. I was glad when Mikey decided not to come over that day. When he fell asleep, I just watched him. He looked so peaceful when he was sleeping. I decided I had to wake him up. I let him stay the night so he didn't have to go home so late. When he was rambling, I knew he didn't know he was talking out loud. I just talked to him and I wanted to make him feel comfortable. When I asked him about what he meant about cuts and scars and I didn't think it was him that did it. When he showed me his scars from old cuts and new ones, I wanted to scream and freak out but I had to stay calm for him.
When I asked him to stay the night, I was hoping he would say yes. When he said sure, I knew he was closing himself off from me. I told him not to close himself off from me. I told him it was okay after he told me he's done it for so long that it just comes naturally to him.
When Jason had pushed him, I wanted to punch that fucking bastard in his face but that wouldn't help matters and I would've gotten in trouble. Justin didn't need that so I helped him. I couldn't leave him by himself so I went with him and cleaned up his face. After he told me Jason pushed him just the day before, I couldn't help but think that maybe his parents would hit him. When he told me they didn't, I was relieved. It was hard to hear that his parents didn't have any time for him. Then hearing about what people would do to him at his other schools he went to. The only good part is that it wasn't always like that.
When he called my house, home, it made me happy. It's his home too. After only one day and he was already moved in. It was great to have Justin around. He was easy to get along with. I loved having him around and so did my parents. Mikey loved him as a brother. He told me A couple days after Justin moved in.
When I yelled at Justin that he cut himself, I wish I hadn't. I knew that he couldn't just stop when he's been doing it for years. It upset me knowing that I was the one that hurt him and pissed him off. But I was ecstatic that I was the one who made him smile afterward. When he told me he wanted to go running with me, I was surprised. I told he'd have to get up at four in the morning. But he still wanted to go running anyway. Waking him up, I was nervous about telling him about dinner but I didn't show it. I just told him it was okay.
When I put on the scary movie, I didn't know if he was going to be scared or not. I definitely got my answer when I saw him burying his face in a pillow and looking up then burying his head again. It was cute and I couldn't help but smile slightly. I tried to whisper his name so he wouldn't get scared but he got scared anyway. I asked him if he wanted to move closer and it was kind of funny how he moved closer so fast. I put my arm around him to comfort him and continued to watch the movie with him. I loved that feeling of having him against me, with me arm around him.
When we were running, I wasn't sure how he would do. I got worried when he started slowing down. I got even more worried when he couldn't breathe. We walked slowly back to the house, with my arm around him for support. I was a little bit relieved when he decided not to run anymore. It just seemed better for him to not run so much.
Spending time with Justin probably helped him not hurt himself. He was improving and having Mikey around probably helped too.
When Andy got back California, I was so excited that he was back. It would be like old times, but with Justin. I was excited that Andy and Justin could meet. I told Justin about him and I would email and text Andy and tell him about Justin. It's great having Andy back. It was surprising to see him and Mikey making out on my bed. They look good together and it seems they'll be together for a long time.
Kissing Justin. I was nervous to be honest. Before I kissed him, I didn't think it was good for him to be in a relationship. I don't know everything and I don't say things, thinking that I know everything and that I'm so fucking smart. I know I'm not. It's just I've learned a lot and I didn't know if Justin was ready for a relationship. I would never hurt Justin so I wasn't worried about us breaking up. I was worried about Justin not being able to be comfortable, I guess, to kiss me in public even in private and holding hands and being so close with someone. But so far, he's been handling it well.
Seeing me in the shower with Andy, I know it killed Justin. I knew I had to explain to him that me and Andy have always done that whenever he stayed over or just hanging out and we got dirty and needed to shower. Like when we were younger me and Andy would play outside and we always ended up getting dirty or muddy so whoever watched us, one of our parents, a family friend, a babysitter, it didn't matter who watched us, they would put us in the bath together. Some people may see it as inappropriate now, but it doesn't matter. Andy and I are just that close that we can shower together and not feel weird and know that nothing will happen. That's what I had to explain to Justin as fast as possible after he saw us. I ran out of the shower, careful not to slip and fall, and I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist as I ran out of the bathroom, out of my room and down the stairs to the kitchen. When he turned around with the knife in his hand, I was so nervous but when he told me he couldn't do it, I was relieved. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. But when he didn't resist when I took the knife out of his hand or when I hugged him, I knew things were fine between us.
Being able to tell Mikey and Andy about Justin hurting himself was a relief. I'm there for Justin and he can talk to me about anything but I need to be able to talk to someone about it too. It's hard to hear what Justin had to go through. No one should have to go through what Justin has to. I've talked to Andy and Mikey and they want to help too. I'm not sure how they can other than just being his friend and being there for him.
Finding out Justin was not only cutting but burning himself was heartbreaking. I was so close to crying but I couldn't. I had to be strong for Justin. I would always be able to cry later with Andy and talk to him about it. Helping Justin has been an emotional roller coaster. Not only for Justin but for me too. I have to actually watch Just go through so much pain. I wish I didn't have to watch Justin go through this much just as much as I wish he didn't have to go through this pain. Justin is having a much more horrible time with this. He actually has to go through with it. It's just so relieving to know that I have two friends to talk to about this. Helping Justin will be difficult but I know Justin will eventually be happy and will not have so many insecurities. Will he still have insecurities and depression in the future? Yes, but with my, Andy's, Mikey's, my parents, and possibly a therapists help, his depression and insecurities should get better. It will take time, but it will happen. I'll make sure of it.
A/N: This chapter is shirt. So what? Don't like, don't read. It might be boring to read but it's important to know Brian's thought on this. I start school Tuesday, the day after labor day so it will be difficult for me to write or post anything.
