A/N: As always thank you all for reading and sorry this update took so long. Hope you all enjoy :)
Sometimes she liked to take a giant step back from herself and watch everyone else go by...like she was watching from a window up above. She felt she could see things so clearly from up there. The way the crowd always seemed to move together, ebbing one way then another, changing direction like ocean tide. It made her feel better being away from everyone else because she was alone, outside of others control. That meant she was safe. But he feel Carla some sort of other way, like maybe she didn't want to be so safe anymore...
There was this 'drawing power' emitting from Liam, like some electric force that was pulling Carla back in and binding her to him. She could not resist, the power was so thick she could almost see it, like an entity unto itself, a sixth sense. His hands…the way they grabbed her, the power of him for her was sealed with the concreteness of his body. His mouth was soft and the voice emitting from it talked to her like hypnosis. Carla felt herself being swept away, all the will she had left inside vanishing. When she was finally kissing him all she could think was 'to hell with this memoir thing and all the anger'. His expression was telling her the same. What was important was them being together, the real them and they had to keep kissing to feel that closeness to one another, to feel somewhat alive.
"I know it's wrong because you're married," Liam whispered, "I know but it doesn't feel wrong in my heart."
Carla had butterflies in her stomach. Grabbing hold of his hand she raised it to her mouth gently kissing each finger. He was so adorable, so earnest, it melted her inside and she couldn't help but to say everything she was feeling, "My heart feels warmer than ever."
He smirked a little, that boyish grin she remembered so well. Leaning in close, Liam stole another kiss before murmuring, "Kissing you is like making love to you and making love to you is like—"
"—Like what?" Carla asked.
"I can't seem to find any words to describe it."
"Maybe that's a good thing," She tried not to sound like that was one most romantic things she had heard. Carla could still pretend to be tough when she wanted to but inside she was simply bursting.
"I love you, Carla."
She wanted to say it back, but she couldn't. It would be a betrayal to Paul, because once she said it would become real. This all would become real. It could no be the dream world in which they both pretend to be safe in going against everyone. She always knew that what she shared with Liam was one of a kind. They weren't like the tide; they were the force that worked against it. Somehow they beat the odds and now all she wanted was to keep him up here with her…safe, alone, just the two of them. But her guilt was starting to ruin things.
"We shouldn't—"
"—I love you," he repeated this time with great conviction, "If only this day could go on forever so we could be like this always. Why wouldn't anyone want to be like this always?"
Carla felt as though there was an invisible hand on her shoulder trying to bend her to his will. The way his blue eyes pierced through her, it made Carla want to shiver. He thought perhaps that he could continue to coach her like he had yesterday, making her promise to leave Paul without a second thought. But she had to face reality sooner or later. In the past he had always been the one to wise up to the situation first and leave her. This time she wasn't going to be left. She knew that she loved him but there was a part of her that loved Paul too. Even though she more than angry with him at the moment, she still loved her husband and she felt as though the look in Liam's eyes was asking her not to anymore.
Carla regretted that she had to be the one to take this all away from him. You see, no matter how much he wanted to coach her into saying the words and having her nod along to his every whim, the reality was that she had husband waiting for her at home. She had to remind Liam of this fact.
"I don't want it to be always," Carla said although she wasn't sure she meant it. She was confused. Maybe what she didn't want was this to be a habit of them sneaking around. Eventually she would want more and it was too scary to think about what this 'more' might be. Expectations could become complicated.
"What are you saying?"
" That always is scary. I can't think about that right now. I can't think about anything right now."
He looked so angry. Carla remembered that trait as well. She didn't care much. He had no right to demand anything of her at the moment.
"Ridiculous," he muttered under his breathe adding in few more curse words before throwing the covers off and jumping out of bed, "fucking ridiculous."
She felt like she fifteen again and another bad break up was about to blow up into a disaster. He had not mature much at all since boyhood, nevertheless she was going to explain her reasoning, "He's a kind man, Liam. I cannot hate him."
"I'm not asking you to hate him. You think I'm asking you hate him? I'd never ask that of you."
"But you're asking me leave him. I need time—"
"—Time for what?!" He was glaring at her so hard, about ready to throttle things if he did not get his own way.
She knew right then that it was a mistake coming here. Why had been so stupid to stay? There had been reason she cried herself to sleep last night and this was it. She could sense the storm before it came because it always had to come with Liam.
"We've both known that this cannot be. We've known it from the start it doesn't mean it isn't true. It is, it just cannot be. You're engaged and I'm married, Liam. I have daughter with him. I can't leave her—"
"—You wouldn't have to leave her. We could start over. We're going to, Carla. You promised me."
Carla started to get dressed. She had to get home. Paul had probably called her mobile a billion times trying to get a hold of her, "You are the right guy for me, you know it, but the timing is all wrong and I have to think! JUST LET ME THINK!"
"I DON'T WANT TO LET YOU THINK!" Liam snapped back at her, "the last time I let you do that you ended writing a fucking memoir including details about my life! Did I give you any fucking permission to talk about my home life or the fact that I went to jail? I have fucking business contracts, you know? I have an image to uphold and with this information out everywhere someone is bound to talk. I've work damn hard for the shit I have. I didn't going around pouting around about my hardships asking for a fucking handout like you. All you wanted to do was look like a fucking martyr. Maybe I should write a book of my own."
"That's it Liam," Carla glared, "tell us how you really feel. Come on keep it coming and while you talk I'll be on my way out. So you can fucking scream at yourself like the fucking child you are. Go ahead and write your own book. I'd love to read it! Maybe you should tell everyone about your petulant outbursts!"
"Yeah, maybe I will! Maybe I will write a book about all the unfair things people do to one another. Then I can go on national television and make a fool out of myself crying about the evils of matriarchy."
"I fucking hate you," Carla snapped, "You seem to forget that you're the one who left me. Don't you remember what you said?! 'Forget you ever knew me'. Like I fucking could! But you didn't care, did you?"
"I have a feeling that if you stayed you would have reminded me everyday. Somehow I don't think this hunch is wrong, is it? You'll punish me now for what you didn't get to punish me for back then. Have at it then."
"I don't have time to entertain this tantrum any longer. I have a husband to go home to," Carla was cold as ice. She headed out of the bedroom and crossed the sitting room towards the door. Unlocking it and flinging it open, she suddenly felt a force knocking her back.
There was in his eyes, a look she had never seen before, it was possessive. Carla knew she had to get out. His hands were tightly gripped on her wrists, his body pressing against her and invading all space. The desperate act of man who feared he might lose her.
"Let me go," Carla whimpered afraid.
"I need you Carla…like I never have before. The only thing that has ever been real is me and you. That's why you came back to me—"
"—No," Carla shook her head terrified of the look his eyes, "No. I want to go home."
He lost it then…
She didn't think he had heard her crying last night. It was not what he had wanted but he swallowed it all up like a bitter pill hoping that she truly was the Carla he had left behind all those years ago, the one who would do anything for him. He had fallen in love with a kind of perfection, the kind he liked, and the kind that told everything he wanted to hear. Liam had wanted to believe that she would leave Paul but she was disappointing him so much already and it was the type of anger that made him want to explode.
He was becoming suspicious of her already, fearing that he would lose her and it tormented him. He was starting to believe in those moments they were lying in bed together that he depended upon Carla, that without her he would die. But she wouldn't say that she loved him back and so he a felt familiar anger stirring inside once more. He hated her as much as he loved her…it was an impossible cycle for him to escape. Liam was trapped and it frustrated him because he didn't want to feel this way about her, but what could he do?
She was walking away, saying that she would leave him and Liam didn't know what happened, but he lost it.
"No. I want to go home," her green eyes looked up at him in fear, shocked that he pulled back away from the door. But her shock only fueled him.
He knew what she was thinking, that she had to get out. But he won't let her go. He would never let her go.
"It's okay," he said trying to keep her in place. He was getting forceful and more frustrated with each passing moment.
"Please stop," she was pleading with him.
"It's okay, Carla."
"No it's not. It's not okay."
His fist slammed so hard into to the door just above her head it almost made a hole. In this moment of violence, Carla took the opportunity to him away flinging open the door and running down the hall in tears. She looked absolutely frightened of him but she was not the only one. Liam stood planted in same spot. He was a bit frightened of himself and the fact that he went through such lengths to keep her in this room.
As she got into the elevator, Carla sunk to the floor in tears. She was so frightened but not of what most would think. Liam had been pulling her back in again, even in that scary moment Carla still felt like some electric force was binding them to one another. It was messed up, that the concrete power of his body was so intensifying that he could have very well have made her stay, if she had not snapped out of the spell he had over her. It was not healthy and it was not right. They were just as unstable as the teenage versions of themselves. Now all Carla wanted was to get herself back to normal before she went home and Paul saw her like this. She had made up her mind that she would go back England with him and see their daughter Mia.
Looking up, Carla saw the elevator arriving on the main floor. Snatching up her purse she was ready to go when she saw him standing there looking down at her. At first his expression was one of confusion wondering why she was sitting on the floor, then it quickly turned to concern, before settling on stone cold. Carla knew he was only trying to protect himself from anymore of her vitriol. But more than anything in the world right now she was just so happy and relieved to see him.
"I haven't seen you all day," she whispered wiping away tears.
Paul took a while before responding, "...Yeah well I didn't want to see you at all today."
"...Oh."
He looked guilty for being so abrupt. But Carla sort of appreciated it. She had been an absolute jerk to him and instead of pretending to be perfect and okay with everything, for once he was saying felt.
"But then I realize you never came home last night. And I don't quite know how I would have felt if I never saw you again...you are my wife after all," he stood for a moment longer, perplexed at Carla's situation before offering his hand, "Is everything okay?"
"Fine," Carla quickly lied. Her mind was now spinning with other things. Like what if he had gone up to the suite to find her with Liam? She would have thrown everything away then and how stupid would that have been, "How did you know where to find me?"
"Instinct," he replied curtly waving down a taxi, before breaking into a sheepish smile, "I asked the hotel desk. I was the one who booked the meeting with the agent Mr. Connor-"
"-He never showed. I decided to stay in a suite and cool off from our fight."
He believed her. That's all it took and she looked at him awe because he was so damn trusting when she didn't deserve it. Sometimes she felt so certain of the things she wanted. Like wanting a love that consumes and excites her, with the passion and the adventure, maybe even a little danger. But when the hell was she going to grow up and see that Paul was here and he was so willing to give her everything she was looking for.
But that's just it...maybe that's not she wanted in a man. Maybe she was so messed inside and damaged that she wanted Liam because she knew he could never give her anything but chaos and dysfunction. It was the sort of the love she felt she deserved, the sort of love she had been made for. And something told her that this all would not end well, but that's what made it all the more tempting.
