Well, folks, in the infamous words of legendary rock band, Kiss: "YOU WANT THE BEST? YOU GOT THE BEST!" THIS is the chapter you've been waiting for. The world-premiere of American Woman: The TV MOVIE! Before we begin, a few things to go over. If you haven't seen this yet, Abby once again made another appearance alongside my good friend, Rurrlock God of Power's, Omega Kid story. This time, however, she and Omega Kid teamed-up with Hit-Girl and other Kick-Ass fanfic characters to fight a threat so big...you've gotta read it to understand what the hell I'm talking about. So to see what happened before here, check out Omega Kid chapter 38 entitled: "Heroes Forever." Finally, I own NOTHING but my OC's. This is for fan-purpopses only, so please don't sue!
Here it is. The moment I've been waiting for since I heard about it. The premiere of my TV Movie!
And what a way to celebrate it!
"I still can't believe that you actually got this set up!" I exclaimed as my fellow superhero colleges and I took our seats in the now-closed-for-the-night Museum of Moving Image Aztec Theater.
"It was nothing." True Hero laughed, setting up the projector, so that the TV movie would stream from there, "Remember? I told you; I have friends in high places everywhere."
I smiled, blushing hardly. This was all True Hero's idea, to let us enjoy the premiere in style. Thanks to him, we had our own private theater to ourselves. Hell, we practically had a whole MESEUM to ourselves now. All we were missing were Ben Stiller and Robin Williams.
Even if we didn't have this, it's still been a sick week. Hit-Girl recruited me and some other famous superheroes to stop a drug-dealing-plot that would've turned every suicide bomber in Afghanistan or what-have-you into super soldiers. Fortunately, with everyone's help, we were able to shut it down permanently. That alone, was an exciting moment, but all that, was a prelude up to this point.
"All right," True Hero said, as NBC started playing on the big movie screen, "Here we go! We got about a few minutes before showtime. In this case, I think it's only fair that American Woman gets to have the opening speech for the premiere."
I blushed and got up in front of the screen, looking at everyone happily.
"Uh," I laughed, "Hi, again. I don't really have much to say other than 'Thank You.' I never thought when I put on my costume that I would become this big. But now, here I am with my own team and fellow hero, in our own private museum, awaiting the countdown to my own TV Movie. So, let's hope for the best, and thank you all."
With that, everyone applauded, as I took my seat near the right end, and True Hero sat behind me.
Finally, the news turned off and out of the blackness, the words 'AMERICAN WOMAN: THE MOVIE!' flashed on the screen in large, white, bold letters.
"This is so awesome!" I squealed, clapping my hands together like I was a little kid.
True Hero leaned in next to me looking sort-of guilty.
"Uh," He said, "Not to spoil the moment, or give any spoilers, but I think there's something you all should know."
"What's that?" The Whore asked.
"Do you know what time it is?"
Anyone who watched Atop the 4th Wall like I do instantly got the joke.
"No." I said, horrified as I saw who the TV Movie was written by, "No...It can't be!"
"That's right." True Hero nodded sadly, pointing to the words that read 'Written by Frank Miller,' "It's Miller Time."
Now, don't get me wrong; I like some of Frank Miller's comics. Specifically, I enjoyed his classic run on Daredevil as well as his 'What If Elektra had not died?' issue, all of which I brought in trade-paperback form. But like I said; if you haven't watched Atop the 4th Wall, here's the truth behind Frank Miller; every woman he writes is a prostitute. Or a 'Whore' as he calls it. Seriously, just look at every female he writes. Each one of them has a relationship to having sex with other people; prostitutes, strippers, or even sometimes just being characterized in a way that makes them sexualized.
Now, this brings up a question; what about Carrie Kelly from the Dark Knight Returns books? She got away with it. Well, that's the point. She got away with it because she's underage and even Frank wouldn't try that. But adult women? No problem. No respect. No fucking dignity. No service.
But now he was writing my TV movie. This was going to be a disaster. This was probably going to be even worse than his adaptation of Will Eisner's The Spirit. Or worse, I was going to end up being portrayed like Paris Hilton on a good day.
"Hey," True Hero said, just before the opening credits stopped, "I'm sure it'll be good."
I nodded, held my breath, and watched as the TV Movie finally played before us.
...
So the film basically begins with a flashback showing a younger American Woman (in this version, she's known as Debbie Dema, who is portrayed here by Aimee Teegarden from Disney's recent movie "Prom,") meeting up with her boyfriend (the aforementioned Robert Patterson,) who's just returned from the line of duty in Vietnam. The two embrace each other, now that the war has ended, and go on a ride on the boyfriend's motorcycle. The two speed and zoom across the country until an unfortunate accident occurs. While headed to New York, a group of gang bikers attempt to shoot them down. While the boyfriend is able to avoid them, he is unable to watch what's going on ahead of them, and their bike crashes into a brick wall. Debbie gets hit face-first, but good ol' Robert Patterson dies in a more hilarious death than what happened to him in Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire. He gets the full impact of the wall so hard, that is smashes his whole front torso into a bloody mush. Fucking. Hysterical. Miller.
Five years later, Debbie wakes up in a hospital where she is now portrayed by Scarlett Johanson. It has been revealed that her boyfriend died, and one of the doctors preformed a private operation on her, putting a cyborg-like skeleton inside her, while she's been in a comatose-like state all this time. Debbie reasons that the gang who tried to kill them must've been hired by someone due to their determination to kill them. Using her boyfriend's fortune that she's inherited, Debbie turns her life around by becoming a person who can avenge this great soldier...American Woman.
Flash-forward one year later. Debbie, who now has a dual-life as American Woman and a cop, hears that her enemy, The Schmuck, is out loose in the city. She hitches a ride on a police car and travels all the way to the city sewer line to stop him. Once there, we learn that a few minutes ago, Debbie's partner, Roy, (played by Zachary Quinto,) was there before them, trying to get some cases away. We then learn the guy transporting the cases was killed. The fight ensured, and the cases were separated, and the killer revealed himself to be The Schmuck, played by a survivor of being burnt alive and turned to the Dark Side...
...
"HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN?" I yelled amazed.
Yup. Sure as shit, it was indeed the same Hayden Christensen who portrayed Anikin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels.
So far, we had The Black Widow, Sylar/Spock, The world's worst Vampire (who had the best death Frank could ever give him,) and NOW, my nemesis was none other than Darth Vader II himself! This movie was fucking awesome!
Not to mention that This Schmuck character they created was pretty dark for a guy with such a funny name. He had curly hair, similar to Anakin's in Revenge of the Sith (Pre-taking-a-swim-in-hot-lava, of course,) and wore a black business suit. His eyes also seemed to be full of lust and hate, but at the same time, it had a psychotic look similar to Heath Ledger's Joker. THIS...was probably one of the coolest fucking villains I have ever seen. Even if it was imaginary.
"Quiet!" True Hero sushed me.
"Sorry." I whispered going back to the movie.
...
In the present, The Schmuck kills the cops who brought American Woman here, but she kicks the crap out of him. However, The Schmuck's henchmen shoot her and she begins to fade. The Schmuck escapes, taking the case with him, only to find there's nothing in there. Meanwhile American Woman learns that the contents in the case was the blood of Jesus Christ on the day he was crucified. Debbie has a theory why The Schmuck may want the blood, but she needs Roy to confirm it. Unfortunately, he's in Bulgaria trying to track The Schmuck down, but Debbie takes a leave of absence to go after him because she needs to confirm it in person. After traveling there in Indiana Jones-style, Debbie, as American Woman, confronts Roy, and the two share a kiss, unfortunately, Debbie then looses consciousness, and we learn it's NOT Roy, but The Schmuck disguised as him.
Debbie awakes tied to a chair, and we see Roy is right across from her also tied up as well. The Schmuck arrives and then gives the back story that he hired the hit on Debbie's boyfriend. After he was killed, The Schmuck wanted to test his new cyborg-skeleton and used Debbie as the test subject, after disguising himself as one of the doctors. The test was successful, and The Schmuck then used it on himself. Unfortunately, the skeleton dies down over time, so now The Schmuck wants it to make people immortal.
To that end, he used the blood of Jesus Christ because human DNA wouldn't work with god DNA. The only way to make it work was to use the DNA of a link between Man and God. In this case, Jesus Christ. So once the cyborg fuel is mixed with the half-god DNA, the subject is then practically immortal.
With that explanation out of the way, The Schmuck is ready to kill American Woman, but Roy takes out a knife he was hiding up his sleeve and frees them both.
He then helps Debbie escape, but then we learn that in the crossfire, Debbie was shot, and she falls into the sewer line. Debbie drifts in and out, as she is suddenly pulled towards Death, himself. At first, Debbie thinks it might be time for her own boyfriend to be together again, but the thought of leaving everybody and Roy behind causes Debbie to shun Death and make her way back to the top.
Struggling, Debbie goes to one of her safe houses to haul ass. Meanwhile we see that Roy actually had the real blood of Jesus, and is ready to give it to The Schmuck. Luckily, it turns out to be a set-up and the cops blast away at him. They shoot him in the stomach a few times, but it's revealed that he renewed his skeleton before coming here. He then goes for the blood in the cup, but Roy shoots it before he can have it. American Woman then arrives and kicks the fuck out of him. This is cool because it looks a lot like when Spider-Man fought the Green Goblin at the end of Spider-Man 1. Just when The Schmuck is about to finish her off, however, Roy comes back and shoots the Schmuck in the chest. Wounded, the Schmuck attempts to escape in a getaway car, but Debbie manages to throw a grenade into the window, which blows up the car along with the Schmuck inside. With him gone, Debbie reveals her identity to Roy and they both kiss. They live happily ever after. THE END.
...
With those words, the credits started rolling while Green Day's American Idiot played in the background and I found myself and my fellow heroes giving a standing ovation. This was BETTER than what I could've hoped for. Sure Frank Miller had turned me into something like The Terminator from the Sarah Connor Chronicles, but he actually did a good job. MOREOVER, the whole cast was terrific. Especially the part where The Schmuck is about to kill Roy and he's all like "Oh, I've enjoyed the game so much." Then Johanson American Woman comes down and she's like "Then wait till you get a load of me!" BOOM! Then she kicks him right in the face. It was just...AWESOME.
Awesome. The way it should've been from hereon out. But I was about to learn that sometimes, God has his own plans for the world.
So there you go, Abby's first TV Movie and it DIDN'T blow. Two other quick things before I go: ironically, I myself got to meet Zachary Quinto recently at Midtown Comics downtown since he was signing a comic that he was recently the editor on. In addition to signing a copy of that, he actually signed my copy of the 2009 Star Trek movie DVD cover. Second thing I want to mention is that the next chapter will be the one I mentioned where we see Abby and her kids in the future. And in the present, we're going to learn a dark secret behind True Hero that will destroy everything in Abby's life. So until then, take care and reviews appreciated.
