9
October, 1801
Dear diary,
I have some dreadful news to tell you. I found out I am pregnant! William is the father. I haven't told him yet. I knew we shouldn't have made love that evening, but my mind was clouded and I couldn't make rational decisions. What am I to do?
I can't tell my father, he'll be so angry with me. Perhaps I can tell my sister, but she could never understand.
I have also just heard my sister-in-law, the wife of my brother Edward, is pregnant. What are the odds. I can talk to her, but she might tell Edward and he'd be so disappointed in me.
I do already love my baby, but what will happen when Mr Thompson finds out? He will never forgive me and he will never let the baby stay with us.
My heart is torn, dear diary, I do not know what to do. In my mind I know there are only two options. I either try to hide my pregnancy, which will be impossible to do, considering I am to marry Mr Thompson in four months and then we will have our wedding night. It is impossible he would not notice it then. My other solution is one I'd rather not talk about, for it is so very horrible.
I'm trying not to cry, for the maid will hear me if I will. I never expected this to happen. I had accepted the fact I would never be happy in my marriage, but I could have at least tried to be content. Mr Thompson could have been a very loving husband. Now that prospect is gone. I can't see what will happen in my future. I will have to make a decision soon, but I am so afraid! I can't bear the thought something will happen to my baby or William.
Elizabeth
The page was ripped out of her diary and placed here, underneath the linen, presumably so that no one would find it.
I felt so sad for Elizabeth, I couldn't even fathom what she must've been going through at that time. A month after she wrote this, she killed herself.
I took a deep breath and looked at Edward, seeing the sadness I felt reflected in his eyes.
"This is horrible," I whispered. He nodded and grabbed my hand, gently squeezing it.
"She must have been desperate," Edward said. I stood up and walked towards the nightstand. I opened the drawer and took out the diary. Flipping the pages, I looked for the place the page was torn out. I found the place at the end of the diary. Next to the place the page had been ripped out was only one more page where she had written something, the following pages were all blank. I took the diary to Edward and showed him the last thing she wrote.
January 10, 1802
Dear diary,
This will be the last time I write to you, I apologize for that. My stomach is rapidly growing and I find it keeps getting harder to hide it. I have received a few looks from women, most of them have been pregnant, so perhaps they recognize the signs. My fear is growing along with my stomach, it has now reached a point I can hardly bear it any more.
I have not told William yet, but I will send him letter before this week is over. He needs to know, before I will not be there anymore to tell him.
I have decided upon option two, how hard to accept it may be. I have never felt more guilty about anything, knowing I will end not only my life, but also the life of my baby. I love it with all my heart and the only consolation I have, is that his or her life would be terrible, would he or she be born.
I will make sure that this page will be hidden along with my previous entry, it will be the first thing I do tomorrow.
Thank you for your support throughout the years.
Elizabeth
"Why didn't she hide this entry in the chest as she said she would?" I asked Edward.
"I don't know, something must have happened that prevented her from it." I nodded and placed the torn out page back in the diary.
"I also wonder why she didn't write anything during the time she got engaged to Jack," I said.
"Yes, me too. How regular were the earlier entries?" I flipped through the pages and smiled slightly as I saw that sometimes she hadn't written for months.
"Fairly unregular," I said, laughing. I placed the diary back in the drawer and went to leave the room.
"I'm going to bed, it's been a long day," I told him. Edward got up, brushed the dirt off his clothes and followed me. We paused in front of my door. Edward looked in my eyes, a smile on his face. He once again brushed some of my hair behind my ears, but this time he let his hand rest against my cheek. His eyes searched mine, looking for permission. I gave a barely noticable nod and he started leaning towards me. His soft lips met mine and a soft sigh escaped my lips. My hands went around his neck and I let my fingers run through his hair. His arms sneaked around my waist and pulled my closer to him. His tong ran across my lower lip, begging for entrance. I opened my mouth and he deepened the kiss. We slowly broke apart and smiled at each other.
"Goodnight, Bella," he said, a sly smile on his face. I rolled my eyes teasingly, but smiled back nonetheless.
"Goodnight," I told him and I closed the door.
Once again, I dreamt I was Elizabeth. I was wearing a long, white dress and as I looked down, I saw I had a large belly. I was standing on a very high cliff. The sky above the sea was dark and threatening, the sky behind me was blue and peaceful. I was facing the sea and as I turned around, I saw William on my right and Jack on my left. William was smiling at me, beckoning me to come to him. Jack had an evil grin on his face and his dark eyes frightened me. I wanted to walk towards William, wrap my arms around him, but as soon as I had set one foot towards him, Jack pushed me and I fell of the cliff. I caught one last glimpse of William, only to see he had changed in Edward and he had a terrified expression on his face.
I woke up, feeling the sweat on my forehead. It felt as if it was very warm in the room, but I knew it was just me. My heart was racing and my hands were gripping the sheets so tight, the skin around my knuckles was white. I stood up and went to the bathroom for some water, but ended up laying my head against the cold stone from the bath tub.
The next morning I woke up, still in the bathroom, shivering from the cold. As I tried to stand up, I felt very stiff and my neck hurt really bad. I stretched out a little, hearing my bones crack. I heard Edward knock on the door and I quickly regained my posture.
"Are you all right?" He asked me. I opened the door and stood next to him.
"Yes, I'm fine. I had a nightmare and when I woke up I was really warm, so I went to bathroom for some water, but I ended falling in sleep there." He smiled sympathetically and we both went downstairs.
"What kind of nightmare?" He asked me and I tried to explain it as good as I could, although I did leave the part that William turned in Edward out.
"I didn't know the story affected you so much," he told me.
"No, me neither," I said, laughing slightly. We both sat down on a bar chair, facing each other.
"But you're sure you're fine?" He asked me again. I sighed teasingly and gave him an amused look.
"Yes, I'm absolutely fine. Thank you." He nodded and leaned in for a short kiss.
"Shall I make breakfast today?" He suggested. I raised my eyebrows questioningly.
"You will make breakfast? I didn't even know you could cook. Are you sure I can trust you in the kitchen?" I said, laughing as I tried to imagine him cooking.
"Well, if you don't believe me, I guess I'll have to show you." He started getting things out of the cabins and the fridge, not minding me laughing every now and then. Soon he was busy making the batter for pancakes and didn't notice me sneak up behind him. I took a handful of flower and threw it at him. He stopped mixing the batter and gave me a surprised look.
"You did not just to that." He said, as I tried to stiffly my giggles. He looked at me, then at the flower and then at me. I stopped giggling and slowly backed away from him. He grabbed some flower in his hand and started running after me. He was faster than I was and soon we were both covered in flower. I couldn't stop my laughing every time I looked at him. He wiped some of the flower from his face and continued cooking.
"I want to make it up to you, shall I help you cooking?" I offered.
"Sure, I would appreciate that," he said, trying to sound serious. I rolled my eyes teasingly and started making french toast. I looked at Edward and realised I loved this man with all my heart.
