So we were pretty late on our last chapter, this is our attempt on catching up. As usual, don't fucking get offended because we're just fucking around. It's just for shit and giggles.
STRAIGHTER THAN A STRIPPER POLE
"Are you sure you should be driving?" Jace asked the taxi driver, who's ID said his name was Poussé (AN: If you don't know what that's from than please, kindly GTFO) (AN: It's from Orange is the New Black, by the way… We know Poussé is a black woman but fuck the police) In the Identification photo, Poussé seemed to still have both his eyes. Jace glances nervously at Alec, who was trying very hard not to look at the man's empty eye socket. Poussé's remaining eye seemed unable to look up farther than the dashboard.
"Yes, I am fine to drive," said the Chinese-Indian, who strangely had a French accent. He rolled his Rs in a way that made Jace think he was joking, but he kept the accent consistent while he talked. "If you are wondering, my father was Chinese and my mother was Indian. They met in Italy. Then they moved to Frrrrrance." Poussé said, answering the question that no one gave enough fucks to ask. He made a sharp left turn, driving half on the curb, confirming Jace's suspicions on whether he could drive. Alec, who couldn't buckle up because the seatbelt on his side seemed to have been chewed off by a rabid dog, fell towards Jace. His arm went to the side to catch himself before he fell face first into Jace's crotch. Though what happened wasn't much better. Alec's hand fell into Jace's lap, making him grab a handful of balls. Both the buys turned a bright shade of red.
"Hey, no doing weird gay stuff in my car; save it for the club. If I can, you can. If you jizz in my car I'll bring my big black boyfriend, DeQuan to handle you in a dark alley. And not the way we gays like to be handled."
"So anyway," Jace tried to change the subject, asking as politely as possible. "What's with your eye?"
Poussé answered without looking up from the dashboard. "I lost it in Nam. Not during the war or anything. I was visiting my cousin, White Pedro. He works at an ice cream shop. One drunken night, I was asleep and he thought my head was a tub of ice cream. Good old White Pedro. He served my eyeball to a nine year old girl the next day."
The car pulled up to a warehouse painted with neon graffiti on the outside, the sign above the door reading "Dick on Dick."
Jace opened his door, stepping out of the yellow cab. Poussé rolled down his window just as the boys were walking towards the door. "By the way, tell them Poussé sent you. They'll let you right in. I'll be here to pick you up at midnight. Also if you see DeQuan, tell him I'm sorry for kissing his son."
Alec handed him half his pay, and grabbed Jace's wrist, bolting towards the door.
The bouncer, a four foot tall, four foot wide black man, stood by the rope at the door, letting in a couple of people every once in a while. On his forehead, printed in bold tattoo ink read the words I AM DEQUAN. Jace approached cautiously. "Umm, hi. Poussé sent us. He's sorry for kissing you son… and he really wants us to party with some gay guys… so can you let us in?"
The man's eyes filled with tears. "Of course," he said in a disturbingly high pitched voice that suggested steroid abuse. "Anything for my Poussé."
The warehouse was flooded with bright, flashing lights, the dance floor full of people dancing a little too close.
"This might not be so bad," Jace said, smiling back at a guy that winked at him. "It might be nice to get hit on for a change."
Alec pretended to look offended. "I know I work too much. I promise to appreciate you more."
Jace look at him with a blank expression. "Alec, did you just make a funny?"
Alec rolled his eyes. "I need a drink."
"Oh, me too! Let's get some chocolate margaritas!" Jace flicked his wrist mockingly.
Jace and Alec walked towards the bar, and Jace immediately ordered twenty shots. Alec ordered water.
The bartender looked up at Jace as she poured another shot. She looked strangely familiar. He couldn't quite put his finger on where he'd seen her before, until he noticed the cross hanging from her neck. "Holy shit, Aline Penhallow?"
She smiled. "Hey, Poussé told me you'd be here. I just wanted to say that your speech was really inspirational and it made me finally accept myself. I'd introduce you to my girlfriend, Helen, but she's on the other end bartending right now."
Alec stole one of Jace's shots off the counter. "Poussé seems to be really popular around here. Does he come here often?"
"Well I hope so," Aline said, taking a shot for herself. "He owns the place. He lives in the loft upstairs. Anyway, have a nice night. The shots are on me," she said, offering them one last smile before turning to yell at a guy that threw up on the bar.
Jace downed shot after shot until they were all gone, clearly convinced that he couldn't exist here without being completely hammered. He stumbled away from the bar, nearly falling on his face before someone caught him. He was tall and slim, his green cat-like eye lined with glitter.
Jace looked up at the smiling Dr. Bane. "Hey I know you," he slurred. "You- you helped make peanut. You remember Peanut, the fetus baby peanut," he said, his hands sliding around Magnus's face.
Alec sipped his water. "Peanut?"
Magnus just waved his hand, as though to swat the question away. "Long story."
Denis appeared out of nowhere, taking Jace from Magnus and letting him lean on his shoulder. "Hey, Blondie. Want to dance?"
Jace smiled, half asleep. "Do I want to- of course I want t- you don't even gotta ask lover boy!"
Denis scooped up Jace, bridal style, and spun on his heels towards the dance floor. "Later boys," he said before throwing a handful of glitter and walking away.
"Do you two always just have pockets full of glitter?" Alec asked, as he swatted the sparkling confetti away from his face.
"It's always important to be able to make a proper exit when needed. Can I buy you a drink? A real one," Magnus said, looking at the glass of water in Alec's hand.
Alec ordered rum and coke with lime, and Magnus ordered something called a "Strawberry Marilyn Monroe," which appeared to me a tall, fizzy pink drink with strawberry wedges on the side of the glass.
They both turned, resting their elbows on the bar, so they could face the dance floor.
"What in God's name is that boy doing?" Magnus asked, jabbing his chin towards Jace, who was standing in front of Denis, moving his arms in small circles above his head and popping his chest.
"That's his drunk dance. Max calls it the Erotic Butterfly. Jace has never been a good drunk, or a good dancer. He only knows how to grind and do the Macarena."
"That makes sense; he's used to feeling ass on him, and not putting his ass on someone else."
Alec laughed. "Yeah, I gues- wait what?"
"Oh please, that boy is straighter than a stripper pole."
Alec swore under his breath, and went on to explain his and Jace's situation.
"You can't tell anyone. Especially not the ginger," Alec said, after concluding his story.
Magnus popped one of the strawberry wedges into his mouth. "Well, I can't make any promises. I have a bit of a big mouth, and don't even get me started on Denis."
Of course Denis knows, Alec thought.
"Please, I'll do anything," he begged.
"Alright," Magnus smiled mischievously. "I won't tell anyone about Blondie liking vag if you go on a date with me."
Alec turned his classic color of red, downed the rest of the rum and nodded his head. "I guess I'll just have to take one for the team."
"Oh please," Magnus said, leaning in close enough for Alec to kiss if he wanted to. And he wanted to. "Don't pretend you don't want it."
Magnus pulled away suddenly when Jace flung himself onto Alec, wrapping his arms around his neck. "I love you man, you know you're like the greatest brother a guy could ask for. I'm so glad my parents died so I could live with you. I mean, I'm not happy about my parents dying. I'm actually kind of sad now." Jace sat down at the bar, letting his face fall flat onto the counter, and began balling his eyes out.
"Ok, you need water," Alec said, waving Aline over. He forced seven glasses of water down Jace's throat before his mindless babble actually turned into something more or less coherent. "Almost… Midnight." Jace mumbled. Alec checked his watch in a panic. It was 11:58pm. Poussé would be waiting outside. Alec grabbed Jace's arm and they rushed out the door. Magnus followed them outside, grabbing Alec by the arm.
"Wait!" Magnus stroked Alec's face tenderly. "When will I see you again?"
Alec looked at him, confused. "No, seriously," Magnus said. "You never set another appointment."
"Oh, umm, I'll call you."
"Please do," Magnus said, winking.
Alec turned, his face flaming (AN: as well as the rest of him, aka; flaming gay) and got in the taxi next to Jace.
It wasn't until he got home that he noticed that he was missing one of his sneakers. It must have fallen off while he was running towards the car.
Poussé let them out at the curb, saying he didn't feel like driving up Jace's long driveway, because his knee's been giving him trouble since White Pedro sniffed exotic glue and thought his knee was a golf tee.
The boys walked silently down Jace's never ending driveway, until they finally reached the house. They entered through the garage as quietly as possible, hoping not to wake Max and Clary.
They walked into the living room, where Avengers: Age of Ultron was still playing on the TV. (AN: So, if Max was born in 1998 and he's 17 now, that means that it's 2016 and Age of Ultron would totally be out by then, so fuck your logic and mine because they have it one blueray.) They could barely see the TV, that was mostly hidden behind the enormous pillow fort that Clary and Max were asleep in. Clary lay peacefully on her back, under a fluffy blanket, with a pillow tucked under her head. Jace thought she looked as peaceful as an angel.
Max lay with one of his legs still on the couch, his butt high in the air, covered in pizza sauce. He was surrounded by empty pizza boxes. The only one with actual pizza in it was open under his face; a slice still shoved half way into his mouth.
"That's your brother," Jace said, pointing to Max, whose hand was for some reason full of whipped cream. He used his big toe to tickle Max's cheek, making him swat at his face. Jace cackled.
"He's your brother too," Alec said.
"Yeah, but not by blood. Anyway, we should bring them upstairs."
"Pretty, pretty Clary," Max mumbled.
"Never mind," Jace said, scooping Clary up into his arms. "He can stay."
"Oh come one, just because you guys like the same girl and he probably has a better chance with her even though he's seventeen, because she thinks your gay and kind of married doesn't mean that you need to act like a grade school bully about it." Alec said. "He'll get a sore neck if we leave him."
"I found… Alec's oreos…" Max mumbled.
Alec looked enraged. "That little fuck better not have eaten them."
"Ate them… all… Don't tell Alec… Ssssshhhhh…" Max brought his whipped cream covered finger to his lips.
"God, I wish we had a dungeon." Alec's eye twitched
"I mean, we do have that room in the basement that we don't use. The walls are covered in pipes that you could chain him to."
"Damn," Alec swore. "I don't have handcuffs."
"I have some upstairs in my sex drawer. I mean my office. I mean… no, yeah my sex drawer." Jace said, now stroking Clary's red hair like she was a cat. "Anyway, I'm taking her upstairs. Are you coming?"
"Nah, I'm gonna stay here and draw on this little fucker's face. I'll show him what it means to eat my oreos!"
"Mmkay, have fun, honey buns." Jace smirked.
"Don't call me that," Alec blushed, glancing self-consciously at his butt.
"But we're in a relationship!" Jace said mockingly, dragging out the A. "Because we love each other, and we're gay for each other, and one of us is clearly a better liar than the other."
"Shut up, it's because of me that no one has figured out that you're straighter than a stripper pole." Alec said, surprising himself with his quoting Magnus.
"Really, you mean like how Magnus and Denis didn't find out?" Jace said, turning on his heels and skipping up the stairs. He turned back at the last step and called back, "have fun on your date with Magnus!"
He laid Clary down on her bed, pulling the covers over her. Just before he left, he leaned down and kissed her on the forehead. He contemplated touching her boob, but decided against it. He turned off the light and looked back at her one last time before slowly shutting the door.
"Oh, hurry the fuck up already," Alec said from the hallway. "I'm already done drawing on Max's face. I gave him the Hitler mustache and everything. Did it really take you that long to decide not to touch her boob? Perv."
So to the people *cough* Rebecca *cough* who said our chapters should be longer, we decided to make this chapter special for you guys. It's about twice as long as our usual chapter, and we just thought that we'd show you that if we were to make our chapters longer, it would literally be just pure fuckery. (Hence Pousse)
we would fill every chapter with senseless fuckery, but unfortunately, we would rather keep the integrity and quality of our already planned fuckery without ruining it with unnecessary jokes and run on endings.
Anyway, we might post a couple of One Shots later.
Then again, we might not. Don't get your hopes up.
xoxo
-R & A
