A/N: Well...I am truly, deeply ashamed of myself and that is all I can say...
Chapter 9.
"Sam, I think we're lost…" said one Frodo Baggins one fine day at one fine convention.
"Beggin' your pardon, Mr. Frodo, but how can we be lost if I, Samwise Gamgee, am leading us?" questioned Sam proudly.
"You're an idiot." said one very aggravated Meriadoc Brandybuck.
Four very lost hobbits were in the room of small and forgotten stars at the Sci-Fi convention. Pippin was lagging behind the rest because he was trying to get everyone's autograph even though he didn't know who the hell they were.
"Saaaaaaam….I'm hungry!" whined Frodo as he sat down on the floor, "We're going to die here…"
"Stop your whining Mr. Frodo!" yelled Sam. He grabbed Frodo's hands and looked him in the eyes, "Goonies never say die!"
"What's a goonie?" asked Frodo.
"I wanna be a goonie!" shouted Pippin who had finally caught up with them.
"No!" yelled Sam, "Only I can be a goonie!"
"Why?" asked Pippin tearfully.
"Because I was in The Goonies," said Sam.
"Reeeaaally?" asked Frodo.
"Yes, Mr. Frodo, yes I was." said Sam.
"Hey, did you know that I was in Back To the Future part 2 for, like, 5 seconds?" asked Frodo.
"Yeah well, I'm in Lost!" Shouted Merry, "So I think I should be the leader!"
"No!" shouted Sam, "I'm the smartest!"
Everyone in the room started laughing. Everyone. Every single living organism in the room started laughing. So, Sam cried…a lot…and then he died. Then, someone with a white beard ran in with some guy swung over his back, acting all crazy.
"Frodo, Merry, Pippin! …and the fat one whose name escapes me!" shouted Gandalf, "You must come with me!"
"Gandalf?" asked Frodo.
"Sure. Why not?" said Gandalf. He put them all in a bag and hopped away.
"Legolas! Two already!" shouted Gimli as he gave someone an autograph.
"I'm on 17!" yelled Legolas joyously as he too gave someone an autograph.
"What? I'll have no pointy ears outscoring me!" shouted Gimli in frustration.
Legolas and Gimli were sitting at a table signing autographs and having a contest to see who could sign the most. This is a good thing because at first they were going to have a contest to see how many humans both of them could kill but this idea was discarded at the thought of the rest of the fellowship's reaction. This universe was doing strange things to their minds…
Then, of course, Gandalf came in to ruin everyone's fun. He saw someone handing Legolas a pen and immediately thought that they were trying to kill him because Gandalf is crazy like that. So, he sprang into action at once. He threw Aragorn to the side where he unfortunately hit a wall and got knocked out, then he threw the bag containing the hobbits into a pile of people as though they were bowling pins and the poor hobbits were a bowling ball.
Gandalf then blasted every human within 20 feet of him off of their feet. But none of them died. Because that would be bad…as some of them were quite young…I guess…
ANYWAYS, Gandalf took a rope out of his pocket (which he stole from Sam because he thought he might need it for an occasion such as this) and tied Gimli and Legolas up so he could drag them behind him. He picked up the bag that contained four very sad and battered hobbits, three of them unconscious, then picked Aragorn up and slung him back over his shoulder. Gandalf then saluted everyone in the room who wasn't unconscious or moaning about how they were going to sue Creation Entertainment and ran off to find the rest of his ragtag group of companions.
"Elrond!"
"Eh?" questioned Elrond, not looking up from the schedule of events that he was reading.
"Look!" said Bilbo joining Elrond at his table, "They actually sell lembas here!"
Elrond looked up at Bilbo to see that he was holding what looked like an old, crusty, stale slice of bread. He took the bread from Bilbo, studied it for a moment or two, and sniffed it. He concluded that it was, in fact, an old, crusty, stale slice of bread but he handed it back to Bilbo nonetheless because he had a sick sense of humor.
They were in a little café that the convention center had and were having a nice little time eating and whatnot. Well, actually, Elrond wasn't eating because he found all the food that they had there to be unappealing so he contented himself with reading. He did stop his reading for awhile though, to see what would happen when Bilbo actually ate the bread.
Poor little Bilbo Baggins took a bite of the bread, swallowed it, dropped the bread, then ran to the bathroom…I guess…I mean, he could've run anywhere…Does he even know where the bathroom is? Now, this amused Elrond greatly but he didn't actually laugh because he has to keep that cool, stoic expression on his face. But this also made Elrond very curious; Why would they have sold Bilbo stale bread? And where did Bilbo get the money for said bread?
Elrond walked up to the cashier who was shaking with suppressed laughter, as he too had seen poor little Bilbo run to the bathroom (or wherever he had run), and therefore had his eyes closed.
"Excuse me." said Elrond.
The cashier jumped in surprise and looked at Elrond with a hint of fear, for the cashier had seen him sitting with Bilbo and assumed they were friends so he naturally thought that he was going to be yelled at. "Yes?" asked the cashier in what he hoped was an I'm-not-guilty-for-giving-your-friend-stale-bread-causing-him-to-run-to-the-bathroom-or-wherever-because-I'm-not-sure-that-he-knows-where-the-bathroom-is-and-he-honestly-didn't-look-like-a-bright-fellow-and-he-sure-didn't-act-like-one-either-because-c'mon-who-the-hell-can't-tell-the-difference-between-nice-elven-bread-and-old-crusty-stale-bread-? voice.
"Why did you give my friend old, crusty, stale bread?" asked Elrond for he knew that it was this cashier because he said yes in an I-am-guilty-for-giving-your-friend-stale-bread-causing-him-to-run-to-the-bathroom-or-wherever-because-I'm-not-sure-that-he-knows-where-the-bathroom-is-and-he-honestly-didn't-look-like-a-bright-fellow-and-he-sure-didn't-act-like-one-either-because-c'mon-who-the-hell-can't-tell-the-difference-between-nice-elven-bread-and-old-crusty-stale-bread-? voice.
"Well…er…" said the cashier in a nervous way because Elrond was very intimidating, "You see….your little friend…well he was demanding that I give him lembas…and…well, we don't have lembas so I told him that…and…he started to get very angry with me and there were other people waiting in line…so I told him that I would get him some. I looked under this counter and found some stale bread…I don't even know how it got there but whatever. Anyways so I showed it to him and he was all 'I thought you didn't have lembas!' and I was all 'Shut up and take it you freak!' and…I threw it in his face…"
"Really?" said Elrond in a casual, stoic way but on the inside he felt like laughing his head off.
The cashier was about to ask Elrond if he was going to yell at him when crazy Gandalf guy came bursting in with foam coming out of his mouth. There were a few cries of "ew!" and "gross!" coming from the bag that Gandalf was carrying which now consisted of five hobbits instead of four. You see, Gandalf had ambushed Bilbo on his way to the bathroom, or wherever he was going, and stuffed him into the already overstuffed bag. Naturally, Bilbo threw up there since he hadn't made it to the bathroom…or…yeah…
"Elrond!" shouted Gandalf, "Follow me for I am not going to drag you away in an undignified manner because you are too much of a cool elf guy for that!"
"Am I not a cool elf guy, Gandalf?" asked Legolas from his position on the floor.
"No, you're not!" yelled Gandalf.
"I shall come with you Gandalf." said Elrond, "but only if you stop foaming at the mouth like a crazy, rabid, dog."
"Oh, sorry," apologized Gandalf, wiping his mouth with Aragorn's sleeve, "I was eating whipped cream earlier."
"By itself?" asked Elrond with a hint of disgust in his voice.
"Er…no! Of course not!" said Gandalf hurriedly. He knew only too well how much Elrond hated people who ate whipped cream by itself…
-Spiffy Flashback-
"Hello Elladan!" said Gandalf as he walked into the kitchen of Rivendell. It truly was a beautiful kitchen…but we shan't go into that now because I don't like long flashbacks.
"I'm Elrohir, bitch! Honestly man, you call yourself a wizard. Can't you tell I'm Elrohir?"
"Oh sorry, Elrohir." said Gandalf apologetically.
"Only joking, I am Elladan." said Elladan then he ran into platform 9 ¾. Wait…what?
-End Spiffy Flashback-
"What did that have to do with whipped - ?" started Elrond.
"Shut up and follow me!" snapped Gandalf.
Elrond shrugged his shoulders and followed Gandalf to his doooooom.
"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" sang Faramir. Obediently, the audience clapped.
"If you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" echoed Eomer. Again, the audience clapped their hands.
"If you're happy and you know it and your face will really show it, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands!" belted Faramir and Eomer together. The audience applauded as Faramir and Eomer bowed humbly.
Eomer and Faramir were on stage because of a series of not so unfortunate events. They had been sitting in the front row of the audience saying very loud, rude things about the guest speakers that were on stage. Eventually, one of the speakers got very annoyed at them, threw their microphone at the two and yelled "Let's see you do it then!" Said speaker was now sitting in a corner, drinking Mountain Dew, and bitterly wishing that they hadn't done that.
Faramir and Eomer however were having the time of their lives until a certain white bearded wizard came along.
Gandalf jumped on stage (to much applause) and knocked Faramir out. He picked him up and threw him on his shoulder that was not currently carrying Aragorn. He now had the hobbits in one hand, the rope dragging Gimli and Legolas in the other hand, and a man on each of his shoulders.
"Elrond!" yelled Gandalf, "Elrond help me! My hands are full!"
"Alright, alright…" said Elrond, "but only if you stop dripping blood from your mouth like a crazy, rabid vampire."
"Oh, sorry," apologized Gandalf, wiping his mouth with Faramir's sleeve, "I was eating ketchup earlier."
"By itself?" asked Elrond with a hint of disgust in his voice.
"Er…no! Of course not!" said Gandalf hurriedly. He knew only too well how much Elrond hated people who ate ketchup by itself…
-Spunky Flashback-
Gandalf walked over to the hotdog stand of Rivendell. It truly was a beautiful hotdog stand…but they didn't put whipped cream on their hotdogs. This angered Gandalf greatly. But today he didn't care. Nothing in the world could anger him today. Nothing, except…
"Hey Gandalf!" said Glorfindel cheerfully as he walked by.
"You…" said Gandalf his eyes narrowing.
"What's wrong?" asked Glorfindel, a little worried.
"I know it was you!" shouted Gandalf, "In the Dining Room, with the lead pipe!"
"Huh?" asked Glorfindel.
"Don't 'huh?' me, honey!" said Gandalf…MENACINGLY!
-End Spunky Flashback-
"What did that have to do with ketch - ?" started Elrond.
"Shut up and help me!" shouted Gandalf.
Elrond shrugged, knocked Eomer out, slung him over his shoulder, and followed Gandalf to his doooooom. The audience had watched all of this in silent awe and as soon as Elrond had walked off stage they had applauded so much that their hands fell off. Needless to say, a lot of lawsuits had been filed that day…hehe, that rhymed.
Fellowship and Co. walked out into the bright sunlight and smiled. Well, only Gandalf smiled as the others were incapable of doing so. Luckily they had found the back door so there wasn't anybody milling about outside. Gandalf and Elrond deposited their 'Cargo' on the ground and slumped against the wall in exhaustion.
"Was all that really necessary?" asked Elrond.
"Yes," said Gandalf tiredly, "Yes, it was."
"We didn't actually accomplish what we set out to do." stated Aragorn who was gaining consciousness.
"Which was?" asked Gandalf confusedly.
"Sell some of our stuff for money." said Legolas getting up and trying to untie himself.
"Oh…," said Gandalf, nonplussed, "Crap…"
"And you drew so much damn attention to us, " said Merry who was crawling out of the bag, "that now we definitely need those disguises that we were talking about back at the airport."
"And we don't have the money to get them." said Frodo, crawling out after Merry.
"You're such a loser." Elrond said to Gandalf. Gandalf cried.
"Hey…what happened to Boromir and Haldir?" asked Faramir, rubbing his head, "Were they not ghosts earlier?"
"Yeah," said Pippin, coming out of the bag, "and what happened to the author? Did anyone else notice that she was gone for ALMOST A YEAR!"
"Shut up!" I yelled.
"Pippin, what are you talking about?" asked Merry, who was concerned for the sanity of his friend.
"You know…the author…" said Pippin, "Didn't….didn't anyone else notice?"
Everyone shook their heads slowly.
"Huh…" said Pippin sitting down thoughtfully.
