Disclaimer: Typical disclaimers apply

Typical Disclaimers Apply

A/N: Hello my wonderful readers! I recently got a review asking if Esme was really pregnant. Don't worry, she isn't. It just wouldn't be a good idea, you know, what with the whole Voldemort issue.

Anyway, you may notice that my final two Esme Slain stories (Hooray for not being Dead, Fired or Eaten and Teacher's Guide to Dictatorship Rebellions) have both been deleted. I did that on purpose, they weren't cleared by the site. This chapter may be my last update (although there may be one more, but if it isn't posted on Friday; this is it) until around June 18th (I'm going somewhere without Internet access) and I didn't want anyone to read those two stories and spoil the end of this one, because it does have a rather large twist!

If you have already read the fourth and fifth stories, then you should know that the ending to the fifth one's going to be changed! Esme's "final fight" with Bellatrix is a lot longer than it was originally, and the two characters that barely speak to each other and are on very bad terms by the end of the story end up having a huge confrontation! But that'll be posted later, for now, here's a wedding!

--

"Line up by height to receive your duties!" McGonagall barked at Sirius, Esme, Snape, and all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids.

"I thought the professors were in charge of setting everything up," Snape grumbled. He slipped in between Esme and Sirius.

"You realize, Severus, that you do technically work here," McGonagall growled, "for now." Remus stepped in next to Snape just as Tonks took her place in front of Esme. She bumped into his chest and giggled shrilly, turning bright red.

"Professor McG?" Fred called.

"Don't call me that."

"Fine, Minnie. George and I are the same height; who has a higher rank?"

"George does."

"What? Why?!" Fred protested.

"Because he doesn't call me 'Professor McG'. Now, the two of you shall be overseeing the house elves as they bake the wedding cake."

"Shouldn't someone watch over them to make sure they're treating the elves humanly? I mean, elves are people too," Hermione said. McGonagall sighed.

"No they're not," Ron muttered.

"Fine; Hermione, you and Fred will oversee the house elves. George, Ron, Remus, Severus, and Sirius will be cleaning the sixth floor ladies' loo. Professor Dumbledore will be assisting you. Any questions?" George, Ron, Remus, Snape, and Sirius all raised their hands. McGonagall promptly ignored them. "Now, Bill and Charlie, you will be assisting Hagrid and Professor Flitwick. You will be making sure that everything outside is ready for the twenty-eighth. All of the ladies will be having a dress fitting."

"What's Hermione going to do?" Ginny asked, looking worried.

"Hermione, you and Katie are about the same height and weight, aren't you?" Esme shifted her glance from one girl to the other, looking them over.

"Yes, I think so."

"We'll just try your dress on her and make any adjustments tomorrow."

"Splendid!" Dumbledore cried cheerfully, appearing out of nowhere. "Now come on boys, let's head to the ladies' toilet!" Snape and Sirius both looked furtively at Esme before they traipsed off to clean the bathrooms.

--

And now, a brief look into the next several hours.

"So, why exactly are we transforming a bathroom into a five-star spa?" Snape, who was down on his knees scrubbing the floor, looked at Dumbledore expectantly.

"It's tradition for the bride, her mother, and her bridesmaids to be treated to a day of luxury, like a spa." Dumbledore smiled as he conjured massage tables out of nothing.

"So who gives them the massages?" Ron's expression was confusion mingled with elation. "Us?"

"No," Dumbledore chirped, "just house elves."

"Hermione wouldn't like him referring to them as a 'just'…" Harry muttered.

--

"George!" Hermione screeched for the umpteenth time. "Stop treating them like little slaves!" She planted her hands on her hips and glared at George in a way so like Molly's that he actually flinched. Then, of course, he remembered who he was dealing with.

"They like it!"

"No one likes to be yelled at!" she yelled.

"Then stop yelling at me!"

"Stop telling them to add more layers to the cake and to find you old copies of 'Playwizard'!"

"It's what Esme commands," he said, sounding dignified.

"Esme commands you to read pornography?" She looked at the nearly-naked woman on the front of the magazine pointedly.

"You know, she probably does!"

"You're a pervert!" she cried.

"You're annoying!" he snapped.

"I really dislike you!"

"You're my least favorite bushy-haired, know-it-all, Muggle-born!"

"If it weren't two days before the wedding, I'd probably hit you!"

"Bring it on!"

"Dobby commands you to stop yelling!" Dobby yelled, dropping a tray of treacle tarts.

"Go help Esme, Dobby!" Fred growled.

"Dobby's old master was more pleasant than you two!" he yelled again, still not getting noticed.

"Oh yeah? Well, Dobby's old master carries a pimp cane!" Fred said mockingly.

Hermione and George stopped fighting and stared at Fred, looking minorly disturbed. "Why did you say that?"

--

"Is it big?" Angelina leaned in, giggling.

"I'm not telling you," Esme repeated for the umpteenth time. She folded her arms while she watched the other girls try on their gowns.

"Why not?" Tonks laughed. "Come on Esme, have a little fun."

"No!" Esme cried, smiling a little. "We're their professors! It's disturbing that they even know we're having sex."

"You share a room. We're not that dumb." Katie rolled her eyes.

"Your professors 'ave relationsheeps?" Fleur inquired with a sniff, "At Beauxbatons we never 'ad zose kind of scandals!"

"Look blondie," Ginny hissed. "If you desire to survive this wedding, I'd recommend not insulting the explosively violent bride." She nodded towards Esme, who looked like she might hit Fleur.

"Should I just not talk?" Fleur asked softly.

"It would be best that way."

"I should talk to Bill about zees living arrangements."

--

"Charlie, what girl are you walking down the aisle with?" Bill looked at his brother curiously; he'd only just realized that there weren't enough girls to go around.

"I'm not," he said, shrugging.

"What?"

"I'm working with Hagrid to keep the unicorns under control."

"Did Esme really say she wanted unicorns?"

"I don't think Esme really had any say in the wedding preparations, or else it probably wouldn't be outside in the middle of winter."

"I dunno, making us all suffer for the sake of her amusement? It sounds like something she would do."

And alas, all of this went on until…

"Um, Professor McGonagall, where are we going to sleep?" Esme asked (she still wasn't used to calling her old professors by their first names). Everyone had been working for several hours and, though it was still early, they all were quite tired.

"Oh yes. I suppose that is a bit of a problem. You see Esme, Umbridge is in the Room of Requirement, believing that she is ill or something, and you and Sirius can't go into your room for another two nights," she smiled mischievously. "I suppose you all could stay in Gryffindor Tower."

"Why Minnie, that's a wonderful idea!" Dumbledore, again appearing out of thin air, interjected. "In fact you all can stay in the fifth year dorms!"

"Could I just sleep in my room?" Snape said, his shoulders sagging.

"Oh Severus, why would I force you to miss a night of mischief with your friends?"

--

In the girls' dorm…

"Gee, five beds and seven girls. What to do, what to do?" Esme surveyed the room distastefully.

"Why don't we just convert two of the beds into bunks?" Hermione said slowly.

"Brilliant idea Hermione! Twenty points to Gryffindor!" After they'd finished transfiguring two bunk beds, the girls all unpacked and sat down to do what they did best: gossip.

"So, Esme," Tonks raised her pink eyebrows, giggling, "what's the story behind you and Sevvie?" She pursed her lips and began making kissing noises.

"I don't really want to disillusion the girls who think it's something totally scandalous," Esme said, suppressing a laugh.

"Don't beat around the bush, sister," Ginny said.

"We work together. We see each other almost every day. We're forced to be civil with each other, and in our case we've actually formed an emotional bond. Are you happy?" Esme said flatly.

"Growing up is boring," Ginny whined in response.

--

…and in the boys' dorm.

"Gee, five beds, eight guys, and a Snape. What to do, what to do." Sirius surveyed the room mischievously.

"We could do something brilliant and, I don't know, transfigure some beds into bunks," Snape said, rolling his eyes.

"Snivellus, your talking privileges have been revoked. Now who volunteers for the floor?" No one stepped forward. Sirius grinned lavishly, "Fine. We'll share beds. Now who wants to share with me? Just remember, I'm used to cuddling up to an extremely attractive woman every night!"

--

"I spent the night in bed with your idiot cuddler of a fiancé," Remus growled.

"Tee hee! I knew it! Was it good?" She leaned in giggling. Remus took the moment to smack her in the head. "Ow! Sirius! You're best man hit me!"

"Hit my wife again and I'll lock you in a room with her at her special time of the month. Same goes for you, Esme dearest."

Unfortunately, this was all happening around the breakfast table. With McGonagall, Dumbledore, and Molly and Arthur, who had both arrived earlier that morning.

"I knew we should have taken the afternoon train." Arthur massaged his temples. Regrettably, that was not the end of that morning's conversation.

"You know, Harry's a cuddler too," George said, smiling suggestively. Harry stared at him.

"George, how would you even know? I shared a bed with Ron."

"You have very cold feat, by the way."

"I can tell by the way he looks. Snape's also a cuddler," George said wisely.

"I regret forming bonds with this family."

"Ha! Sevvie has a family! Just like a normal person!" Esme laughed maniacally, until Snape began pouring salt on her head. :Hey, pouring salt on the bride is bad luck!"

--

"Mmm, I love getting massages." Esme smiled as an elf walked across her back.

Tonks grinned at Esme, mischief glinting in her eyes, "Just like the ones Sirius gives, eh?"

"Shut up Nymphadora. I'm not talking about my sex life in front of my students! Or my mother for that matter," she said, sneaking a glance at Molly.

"Oh no dear, I don't mind! In fact, this one time, your father and I…"

"LALALALALA! I CAN"T HEAR YOU! LALALALA!" Esme covered her ears with her palms. "Really Mum, I don't want to know."

"I know dear, I just want you to know that I realize that premarital sex is common these days…"

"Just stop talking!"

Tonks giggled, "Heeheehee, Virgin Girl has nothing to fear." All of the other bridesmaids, who'd been listening to the older girls speak in awe, turned their heads, their jaws slack.

"You mean—" Ginny began.

"You're a—?" Hermione couldn't finish, she just turned very pink.

"But for Christmas—" Ginny tried again.

"In time you shall learn, children," Tonks said sagely.

--

"So, tell me again why I'm spending the day before my wedding scrubbing floors?"

Arthur, from his spot scrubbing the walls, sighed, "Tradition."

"Started by women?" Charlie grinned.

"Actually, no." Dumbledore, who for some reason was helping them scrub, began to tell another obscure story. "You see, many years ago, well, actually up until about the 1960's, a wizard's wife had to spend all of her time cleaning and cooking and watching over the children. Back when Hogwarts was started, Godric Gryffindor noticed how many young women felt that the young men should be forced to experience what they'll have to go through as wives. He decreed that, in order for a wizard to get married, he must spend an entire day cleaning and treating his bride like a goddess. Fortunately, with the sexual revolution, times have changed and women are allowed to leave their homes. However, the curse that he placed was never lifted, and any wizard who doesn't clean and treat his bride like a goddess receives that wrath of Gryffindor."

"Which is what?" Snape asked curiously.

"Instant death."

"Is that the punishment for every wizarding bond broken?" Snape cried incredulously. "I mean honestly! Unbreakable Vows, weddings…"

"Protectors too," Dumbledore said, nodding wisely. Snape stared at him, a little bit mortified.

"Really?"

"Well, nobody really knows. No one's ever been foolish enough to fail!" he added cheerfully.

Sirius had to stuff his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing.

--