For the first time in years, Dean wanted to get seriously drunk. He hadn't felt this way since he'd broken up with his last boyfriend-scratch that, his last girlfriend, and Lord knows that had been long enough ago. A real bar was out of the question. Despite his muscle car and leather jacket oriented fashion tendencies, Dean tried to keep a clean image. Knocking back whiskey in a dive bar didn't give off the right vibe for a reputable preschool teacher. Luckily, Dean kept an emergency bottle of Jack behind the sink. He hadn't busted it out since Ellen and Bobby's last staff Christmas party, but he needed to get rid of the pain is his chest and the memory of Cas' voice breaking in his ear.

He was nursing his third glass when his phone rang. He scrambled for in his jacket pocket, cursing his cell for being so goddamned small and his hands for being clumsy. On the third ring he managed to open it, answering before he checked the caller ID.

"Cas?" Dean asked hopefully, then mentally kicked himself. You broke up with him, moron.

"Cas? No-it's Sam- why are you- Dean! She said yes!" Dean's head was a little woozy, and his brother's exited babbling was really freakin' difficult to decipher.

"Sam! Slow down. What's happening?" Dean could hear his puppy of a brother take a few deep breaths to calm himself before starting again.

"Jess and I are getting married!"

"What?" Dean exclaimed, "Sam, that's fucking awesome! When-how-"

"This morning," Sam told him, "Christ Dean I had this whole plan with a big dinner and flowers and everything , and then we were doing laundry this morning and suddenly I was down on one knee and then Jess was crying and I thought I fucked the whole thing up but now I'm engaged and everything's great!"

"Holy shit," Dean breathed, "You're engaged. My baby brother is engaged. I'm officially old."

"Jess is already talking about dates and colors," Sam continued, "She's telling her folks right now."

"Whatever she wants Sammy, just nod and smile," Dean advised, "Keep your head down and try on clothes when she tells you to."

"I will! I mean, yeah," Sam said, "Dean…you'll be my best man, right?"

"You bet your ass," Dean said, "Who else is gonna catch you when you pass out cold on the altar?" Dean took another swig of whiskey, and Sam must have heard the sloshing or something because he went from giggly little brother to nosy little brother in about two point five seconds.

"Dean, are you drunk?"

"Nooo," Dean slurred, "I'm just happy. You're getting married!"

"Dean-"

"Listen," Dean interrupted, "You're my brother, and I love ya. Don't ruin the moment. You manned up today, and I couldn't be more proud. Tomorrow you and I are going out, and we are gonna celebrate in true Winchester style. Which means we'll be taking a cab home, so prepare yourself mentally."

"Ok, as long as you're alright," Sam said hesitantly, then "Dean, I'm so fucking happy."

"That's the way it should be Sammy," Dean said, glancing wistfully around his empty apartment, "Now call Ellen and Bobby, or I'm gonna hear about it on Monday."

"Yessir, I will! I'm gonna call everybody!" Dean smiled blearily as he hung up the phone.

Sam's getting married. That's good. It was good that Sam had Jess. Sam had Jess and Dean…well at the moment Dean had Jack Daniels and that was the only man he needed.


It was Thursday morning. It was the first Thursday since Dean called things off with Cas and even though he knew it was hopeless, even though he had read the note Samandriel had brought him earlier that week explaining that perhaps it was best if Mr. Novak didn't come into class for a week or two, Dean couldn't help but keep glancing to the door, waiting to see the blue eyes and weather inappropriate trench coat. He could tell the kids were waiting for him too, and it broke his heart to see little Charlie asking Samandriel where his big brother was.

"Your man is late," Ellen commented, unaware of the gut punch her words sent through him.

"Uh…Mr. Novak's not coming today," Dean muttered, "I forgot to tell you." Ellen narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

"What did you do?" She asked him.

"I did the right thing," Dean said, his voice certain even if his heart still wasn't, "We were moving too fast, and Samandriel was already asking questions. I…wasn't ready to go there yet."

"Did you talk with the man about it?"

"Well I…" Dean was saved by the bell, literally, as the clock struck nine, which meant it was time for calendar, followed by centers. Ellen waited until each kid had placed their Velcro marker on the center chart and started playing before cornering Dean again as they prepared the crafts for the day. She kept her voice low so Andy and Kevin, who were playing nearby, wouldn't hear.

"So let me make sure I've got this straight," Ellen said, "You got the inkling that you might be in your first real relationship since you got outta school, had a panic attack, and now you're gonna be moping around for a month and I'm down the only volunteer we've got that has any sense in his head."

"Hey, I am not moping," Dean retorted, "It wouldn't have worked out anyway. I would have messed something up, and even if I didn't, I gotta be impartial in here, and I can't do that if I'm going to the zoo with Samandriel and his brother every weekend. I can't have distractions. My kids have to come first."

"But these ain't your kids, Dean!" Ellen told him, "You've got 'em for a year and then they move on, so you can't put your life on pause for them. It's ok to make sacrifices for your class, we all do it, but at the end of the day you've gotta have something outside this classroom."

"Yeah I know."

"Apparently you don't," Ellen continued, "You wanna know what I think?"

"I'm gonna hear it either way," Dean grumbled as he shuffled through the refrigerator to pick out snack for the day.

"Damn straight. Truth is," Ellen told him, "I don't think this is about your class. I think this is about you. You're all worked up about what people are gonna think when they find out you aren't just a charming bachelor waitin' for the right girl to settle down with."

"So what if I am?" Dean demanded, "You know how it is Ellen. We could lose the program."

"This ain't somethin' you gotta hide," Ellen insisted, "Lord knows Bobby walked in on you and enough boys when you were growin' up and he hasn't fired you yet."

"Bobby doesn't have to fire me if I can't get any kids in my room," Dean muttered, but Ellen's hand on his arm drew his attention.

"This ain't the eighties, and we aren't in high school," Ellen said softly, "People are changin', Dean. You just gotta have a little faith."

"Easier said than done," was all Dean had to say. Ellen sighed.

"Do what you want Winchester," she said finally, "But there's only so many years that you can watch these kids leave you before it makes you bitter." Dean had no rebuttal. His throat was tight as he went to help Charlie and Bella clean up the blocks before snack time.


When Castiel's cell phone rang, he quickly squelched any hope that it was from Dean. Two weeks was far too long to wait for a change of heart. The New York area code told him it could only be from his brother Gabriel, who worked as a chef in the city.

"Hey bro, miss me?" Castiel had to admit that he did miss his younger brother. Gabriel was twenty five, closest in age to Castiel, and when he had left Lawrence he had left quite a gap in Castiel's life. Though his brother preferred to fly under the radar, he was always dragging Castiel to some underground party or private dinner party. Needless to say he had kept Castiel's college years quite interesting.

"Gabriel, it's good to hear from you," Castiel said, "How is Balthazar?"

"Oh you know our little brother," Gabriel said conversationally, "Acing all his classes, making all the right literature connections, sleeping with all the New York socialites. He's got his act together, that one."

Castiel rolled his eyes. Balthazar had moved to the city with Gabriel two years ago to get his bachelor's in creative writing and had for whatever reason, been adopted into the New York social scene. At twenty two years old, he had been spotted in more entertainment photo columns than the majority of minor film stars.

"That's good, I suppose," Castiel agreed, as he made his way into the kitchen to start on dinner for the evening, "As long as you're both content."

"We are. So Anna tells me you're having man troubles," Gabriel interjected, "Do I need to come up there and crack some skulls?" Castiel mentally reminded himself to have a talk with Anna later about the necessity of editing oneself when sharing details of his personal life with all of their siblings.

"Thank you, but the violence won't be necessary," Castiel said, "It is not of import."

"Ah, just a fling then, you heartbreaker you," Gabriel teased, "Was he a keeper?"

"I had…hopes. But it was only one date," Castiel objected, "I will be fine."

"Oh, but Cassie, we both know you don't just 'date'," Gabriel countered, "How many months did you moon over this Winchester guy before you actually got any action?"

"I don't 'moon' over anyone," Castiel snapped, "This is none of your business brother."

Gabriel gave a low whistle. "Based on that reaction I'm gonna guess three or four months. Jesus, Castiel. Are you alright?" Castiel bristled at the genuine concern in his brother's voice.

"It's fine," Castiel insisted, "I'm fine."

"I get it," Gabriel said, and Castiel could imagine his hands raised in surrender, "You're the big brother here. I'm just saying it's ok if you need some time, or some help with Saman-"

"I am perfectly capable of caring for Samandriel," Castiel interrupted, "I'm a grown man. I am not crippled by a relationship cut prematurely short."

"I'm not doubting you," Gabriel said, "Still…Sammie's teacher. Are you sure you're ok with him still being in that class?"

"Why would I be concerned about that?" Castiel asked.

"I mean he's not gonna rag on our brother or anything is he?" Castiel immediately felt the need to rise to Dean's defense. Gabriel didn't know Dean, although Castiel had to remind himself, apparently he hadn't known Dean as well as he'd thought. Still, if anything had been made clear in the course of their interactions, it was that Dean put his class ahead of everything. Even his own needs, a mutinous voice in his head murmured.

"Don't be ridiculous," Castiel said, "Dean would never be anything but professional when it came to his students. Whether or not it's entirely comfortable for me, he has the best program in Lawrence."

"Alright it's your call. Speaking of Lawrence," Gabriel continued, "I was thinkin' I might try to come up for a weekend sometime in the near future."

"That would be nice, Samandriel would be happy to see you," Castiel agreed, "Will you be able to get time off from the restaurant?"

"Please," Gabriel scoffed, "I've been here so long, I've got sick days out the wazoo. Besides, I'm me. I've got these yuppies eating out of the palm of my hand. Literally." Castiel chuckled. His brother had always been able to worm his way out of trouble.

"Alright, let me know when you make plans," Castiel told him, "I have to start on dinner."

"Will do. Stay strong Cassie."

"Thank you Gabriel. I'll speak with you again soon. Say hello to Balthazar for me."

Castiel's thoughts were somewhat prickly as he gathered the ingredients for grilled cheese. Of course he was fine. He wasn't some teenager crying over a rejected crush. He had a family to provide for. If perhaps some secret part of him had hoped to someday count Dean as part of that family, well that was Castiel's problem to work through.


"Come on Ellen," Dean whined on Friday morning as the kids started filing into the room, "Those women are gonna eat me alive if I show up to this thing by myself!"

"Find someone else then!" Ellen scolded him, "Jo's comin' home for the weekend and I'll be damned if I miss her, even for you Winchester."

"Oh yeah, like who?" Dean countered, "Sam's not gonna take the weekend off to go with me to an early childhood educator's convention."

Of course Sam wasn't who Dean thought of first. No, Dean's mind immediately drifted to a pair of dark blue eyes and mussed brown hair, but he shoved the thought away just as quickly. Forget about it Winchester.

"Oh Christ almighty," Ellen swore under her breath, and Dean scowled.

"Hey I'm-"

"Not you," she cut him off, and Dean followed her gaze to the classroom door, "It looks like Mrs. Tran sent Kevin in with a fever again."

Yup, there he was, pale as a ghost and twice as clammy. Mrs.-freakin- Tran. Even at age three a missed day of school was unacceptable. Even if they tried to send Kevin home she would just insist that he stay and try.

"Christ almighty," Dean agreed. He felt a keen sense of foreboding as he gathered the kids up for calender time, Kevin stumbling to his spot like a man possessed.


Dean's premonition turned out to be horribly correct. It was only ten o'clock, and Dean had three kid's worth of puke on the rug, Kevin Tran was clinging to his leg with tears running down his face, and the rest of the class's cries was a migrane inducing combination of loud and high pitched. Dean had seen some rough days in his two years of teaching, but this one probably took the cake.

"Dean!" Ellen snapped her fingers in front of his face, "Stay with me."

"I'm with you." Dean still couldn't shake the panic that was threatening to overtake. Ellen gripped his arm roughly.

"Here's what's gonna happen Winchester," she told him firmly, "I'm gonna take the healthy ones outside. It's nice out. They'll play on the swing set and forget about being sick. You're gonna take Kevin and the other two to the nurse's office and get them cleaned up. Then you're gonna take ten minutes in the hallway and pull yourself together so we can move on with the day. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah. Yes," Dean said, shaking his head forcefully, "Let's do this. Thanks Ellen."

"It gets to us all sometimes," Ellen said with a wry smirk, "Come get me when you're ready. Alright, who wants to play outside?"

In five minutes Dean was alone in the hallway; having safely delivered Kevin and co. to the nurse and made sure the right parents were called. He leaned against the cinder block wall with a deep shaking breath. His phone was dialed against his ear before he even realized he had taken it out of his pocket. A few rings echoed through the empty hallway before a gravelly voice picked up.

"Hello?"

"Cas," Dean said softly, "Cas, it's Dean.

"Dean? Why are you calling?" Castiel asked him, "Is Samandriel alright? Did something happen?"

"No, no. Nothing like that," Dean said quickly, "I'm uh, I'm not calling as Sam's teacher. It's just me." There was a long pause on the other line, and for a second Dean thought maybe Cas had hung up on him. Then he heard a frustrated sigh.

"Mr. Winchester," Castiel said at last, "I don't think this conversation is entirely appropriate."

"I know," Dean admitted, "I know. I just...I needed to hear your voice."

"Mr. Win-"

"Don't call me that Cas, not you, please," Dean pleaded, his voice hoarse, "I've had a hell of a morning. A kid with the flu, two more with psychosomatic vomiting and the rest in hysterics out on the playground, and I really need you to call me Dean right now." He ran a hand over his face, trying to even out his breathing should anyone walk by.

"Dean, this break was your choice," Castiel said, "I'm trying my best to respect your wishes. I thought this was what you wanted. You said-"

"I know what I said," Dean interrupted, "But I was wrong. Christ, Cas, I was so wrong. I'm so sorry."

"What are you saying?" Castiel's voice was cautious.

"I'm saying that my kids haven't had blue paint in the art center for two weeks because it's the same color as your eyes," the words rushed out of Dean, "When I hang up drawings on the wall all I can see in the squiggles is your name over and over, and the other day little Charlie made me a pretend cheeseburger and I thought I was going to start crying right in the middle of the dramatic play center. I guess...I'm saying I miss you."

There was silence but for the sound of Castiel's shallow breathing.

"Cas?" Dean asked quietly, "You still there?"

"I'm here." Cas sounded a little breathless. "Dean, I miss you too. I miss you so much it pains me. But I can't just...Samandriel needs me strong. I can't be half there with him, while half of me is worrying that you're going to turn around and change your mind again."

"I get it," Dean said, running a hand through his hair, "I so get it. I know I let you down. We could've been so good and I got scared and I killed it before we even got started. But I'm asking you now, if there's any part of you that still thinks we could be something, please, give me one more shot."

Again silence reigned. Dean prayed. He threw out his first prayer since he was a little kid, begging that if he had ever done right by anyone, could he for the love of Christ just have this one thing.

"There's an early childhood association expo in Kansas City next weekend," Dean blurted out before he could stop himself, "I mean, Ellen usually goes with me, but her daughter is home for the weekend and so I'm kind of flying solo, which when you're one of the only male elementary school teachers in the state is kind of terrifying, and uh, you were the only other person I could think of that I would want to spend a weekend alone with." You've gone and done it now, Winchester, Dean thought to himself. That didn't sound at all insane. Well, too late to take it back. Castiel's voice was uncertain when he finally responded.

"You want me to go with you, to a teaching convention."

"Yes," was all Dean could say in response, "I really do."

Castiel paused before answering. "...I'll have to think about it."

"Yeah, that's fine," Dean assured him, "Of course. Thanks...for, you know, not hanging up on me."

Cas chuckled. "Sure. I'll see you on Monday for the Father's Day party, I suppose."

"Yeah," Dean breathed, "I'll see you then."

"Goodbye Dean."

"Goodbye Cas."

Dean slipped his phone back into his pocket, and began making his way to the backdoor to pick up Ellen and the kids from the playground. He felt a little flicker of hope light up in his chest. Cas hadn't said no.