As always, thanks to the great Spiffythefaery for all the work she puts into making my work infinitely better

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution. If I did, that would be sweet.


Magneto looked at the blueprint that Forge had made.

"So you want to make a series of interconnected tunnels?"

Forge nodded. "Yeah. I figure that way if anything happens we'll be covered."

"What could happen?"

"Who knows. Cave in, most likely. Speaking of which, we're going to need to some wood to shore up the tunnels."

"I'll take care of that. You worry about construction."

"Fine. I'm going to start digging underneath the shower. The tile floor will be easy to lift up and replace. Plus the drain system makes it easier to start digging."

"Isn't there concrete down there?"

Forge rolled his eyes. "There is a huge drill on my hand. You think concrete is going to stop me?"

"Fair point. It looks like you've got everything taken care of."

"Not everything, there's still one problem. We're going to be digging up a lot of dirt. We're going to need to store it somewhere."

"I'll have Pyro and Deadpool take care of that. That much dirt should amuse them."

"Alright. I'm going to get working," Forge rolled up the blueprint and headed off to drill. His place was quickly filled by Ulysses.

"What do you want?" Magneto demanded.

"I think I'm in love with Mystique." 1

Magneto froze. "What?"

"I'm in love with Mystique."

"And you're telling me this because?"

"I was hoping you'd be able to give me advice."

"Why would I be able to give you advice?"

"You've known her longest."

"A fact which I'm not proud of," Magneto declared.

Ulysses gazed up, looking like a puppy trying to get people food. It was just the sort of look Wanda used to give before she had been locked away. "Please?"

"Go ask Sabretooth. He has experience with this sort of thing."

Ulysses beamed. "Thanks!" he said as he scurried off.


"What do you want?" Boles demanded.

"I want to make a phone call," Magneto replied.

"Why?"

"Pyro is running low on his medication. I'm the only one who knows where to get it."

"Medication?"

"It's a specialty depressant. It keeps his insanity in check. I invented it myself."

"Does this medicine have a name?"

"I call it Wood."

Boles pointed to the phone on his desk. "Fine. Make your call."

Magneto picked up the receiver and punched in some numbers.

"Excellent! You're just the one I was looking for. It's Magneto, I need you to get something for me."

There was a pause, and Magneto made a face. "Just shut up and listen to me. I don't care about your feelings. I want you to gather as much wood as you can."

"Wood. As much of it as you can."

"I don't care where you get it from. Use whoever you have to, but get it here by tomorrow. Understand?"

"Good."


Sabretooth sniffed at the food on his plate. It didn't look right. It didn't smell right. It didn't taste right.

He ate it anyway.

His doubts, however, were interrupted by Ulysses joining him. "Magneto told me to talk to you."

Sabretooth grunted. "What's he want me to do?"

"I dunno. I asked him a question and he told me to talk to you."

"Me? Well, if the Boss says I'll know the answer, then I'll know. Ask away!"

"How do I get Mystique to like me?"

Sabretooth blinked. "Mystique?"

"Yeah."

"You want to get Mystique to like you?"

"Yes."

Sabretooth's eye twitched and then he smirked, before suddenly the large man was doubled over in raucous laughter.

"Come on, I'm trying to get help."

"Listen, I don't know how to get Mystique to like you. I only did it when I was drunk."

"So you can't help me at all?"

"Sorry."

Ulysses left as Sabretooth turned his attention back to his food. As he ate, he couldn't help but wonder about the gnawing sensation in his stomach.


Xavier wheeled himself into his office, intending to bury himself in the mountains of paperwork he had left of his desk.

What he found was not what he expected.

"What on earth?" he muttered to himself. "Logan!"

Logan walked into the office, stopping in mid-step. "What the hell?"

"Where is my desk?"

"Where are your bookshelves?"

"Find them!"


"How's the dig going?"

"Pretty good. We're pretty far down already, but I'm going to have to shore up the tunnels soon. You'd better get that wood."

"It'll be here, don't worry about it. What have you been doing with the dirt?"

"Pyro and Deadpool have been taking care of it just like you said they would. I haven't seen a speck of it once it's been brought up."

"Excellent. You should go get some food and take a break."


"Professor!" Kitty shouted as she phased through the door.

"What's wrong?"

"The dinning room table is missing!"

"The table?"

"All the chairs too!"

"My mother's antique chairs are missing?"

"And the china!"

"The china? But that belonged to my grandmother. Why are people stealing my family heirlooms?"

"Don't worry Professor. I'm sure Mr. Logan will find them."


Sabretooth sat down next to Mystique in the group therapy room. "So, Ulysses asked me some questions about you."

"Blacken my name even further?"

"No. He wanted my advice."

Mystique raised an eyebrow. "Advice from you? About what? How best to consume road-kill?"

"I don't eat road-kill, you know that. I kill everything I eat."

"Then what did he want from you?"

"Advice on how best to hook up you."

"He asked the wrong person then."

"What are you talking about? I did an excellent job!"

"And the fact that I was tripping out on six kinds of drugs helped."

Sabretooth scowled. "If I turned on my charm, you'd be all over me."

"Not in a million years," Mystique chuckled as she left.

Sabretooth looked at her. "Not in a million years, eh? We'll see about that."


Mystique had been enjoying a nice, relaxing day. She really had. Naturally this meant it was all doomed to take an abrupt turn for the worse. She had retreated to the group therapy room, hoping to get a quick nap in before the session started when Ulysses sat down next to her.

"I got you these," he said. Mystique looked over at his offering, a few flowers that had clearly been recently uprooted.

"How….nice," she replied drolly.

"I was thinking that we should do something sometime."

"Do something? We're locked up in an institution, what could we possibly do?"

"Have dinner?"

Mystique sighed. This was going to be difficult. "No."

"Why not?"

"Among many other reasons, Pyro and Deadpool have been sneaking the dirt into the cafeteria food."

"Well, could we do something else?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't like you."

Ulysses nodded sadly.

"Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

"I got the message. I need to do a better job of giving you things. I'll be right back!" Undeterred, he leapt to his feet and ran out of the room.

Mystique stared at the door, confused. Her contemplation was short lived as Sabretooth entered.

"So, you shot him down?"

"I thought I did. I'm not sure he got the message."

Sabretooth chuckled as he sat down next to her. "Well, I can't say I blame the guy."

Mystique's eyebrow shot up. "Oh?"

"Yeah. I mean, you are pretty amazing. I've never met any one who is so ruthless and efficient at killing people with your bare hands."

"Aw. That's sweet of you to say so. Be sure to tell that to Deadpool."

"And I love the way that your skin reflects the moonlight."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Me?" Sabretooth gave a toothy grin. "Just telling you how amazing you are."

"You're hitting on me? Where's a barf bag?"

"And you're funny! I love that about you."

Mystique glared. "Listen Hairball, it's never going to happen. I don't like you. I never liked you. I loathe you. I would rather have hot coals shoved into my eyes than ever be with you."

"Now you're just denying your feelings," Sabretooth said, leaning in to put his arm around her. Before Mystique could move however, the door opened and Ulysses walked in.

"I've got magazines, a pack of cigarettes, some gummi worms, a pad of paper, a prescription for eye-drops, and a lab coat that no one wanted…" Ulysses trailed off. "What's going on in here?"

"The lady and I are getting comfortable. If you don't mind," Sabretooth waved dismissively.

"Get away from my girl!" Ulysses growled.

"Your girl? She's my girl."

"I am going to kill both of you!" Mystique screeched. Sabretooth laughed as he let go of her and stood up.

"Don't worry. I'll take care of this runt."

Ulysses didn't say anything. He merely lowered his head and rammed himself into Sabretooth's stomach with a surprising amount of force. The two men began wrestling as Mystique picked up the discarded coat and advanced on the two.


Hank burst into Xavier's office. "Good news!"

"Logan found out who's been stealing all the wood? And my family heirlooms?"

"No. But I did figure out who put vinegar into all of Logan's beer."

Xavier frowned. "Someone put vinegar in Logan's beer? When did this happen?"

Hank grinned. "I just did it! That'll teach him for saying that I'm a girlie-man."

"Henry, why did you do that? You know what happens when Logan can't drink."

"I do. That's why I also spiked his beers with enough sedatives to take down an elephant."


Magneto walked into the group therapy room and was confronted by a bizarre sight. Sabretooth and Ulysses were tied to a chair by a lab coat with myriad bruises and cuts as Mystique quietly glared at them.

"What happened here?" Magneto asked the shape-shifter.

"These two idiots decided that they were going to fight over me. So I had to teach them both a lesson."

"I guessed that. I was asking about those," he said pointing at the dirt replicas of Deadpool and Pyro.

Mystique shrugged. "They didn't want to go to therapy today. I don't think Boles will notice the difference."


"Excellent," Magneto declared. "This should be more than enough wood."

Bobby grinned. "Well, we did have to strip the entire mansion to get it all. We even got Jamie and his clones to help."

"You stripped the entire mansion?"

"Yeah. Kurt even figured out how to get the Professor's desk and bookshelves out."

"Good job."

"Danke," Kurt said with a wolfish grin. "So what do you want all this wood for anyway?"

"The less you two know, the better. I don't want Charles finding out what's going on. Speaking of which, how on earth are you two not grounded right now?"

"Oh – we set up a couple of fall guys. Logan should be tracking them down any moment now."


Lance looked at the countless dishes stacked behind the door. "Pietro, did we get really plastered and steal dishes?"

"We have dishes? I've been eating off of paper plates!"

"Do you have any idea where these came from?"

Pietro shrugged.

The two spent a few moments trying to figure out this new occurrence. Their solitude was broken when the door was thrown open as Logan burst ferociously into the room. Lance was taken aback as a tremor shook the house. The china dishes quickly shattered into innumerable pieces.

"I got you now! I was going to let you get away with stealing the dishes. I was only going to turn you in for stealing all the tables and desks in the mansion, but no, you had to mess with my beer!"

He lunged at the boys, grabbing each one by the collars of their shirts. Pietro voiced the thought that was simultaneously running through Lance's mind. "Crap."


1 –Chevy hick's idea. Too funny to pass up