A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews and inboxed messages. I hope that this will clarify some issues and give you a better description of some things y'all were worried about. Keep reviewing and inboxing and I'll keep writing. I'm off again tomorrow, so maybe another two or three chapters...who knows? We'll see...Happy reading.

Chapter Eight - Lucid

Alex spun around and faced the bed. In the movement, she dropped her mug and it shattered on the floor. Alex was fighting the tears that were welling in her eyes. She ran across the room to Olivia. She grabbed Olivia's hand and held it as she knelt down by the bed.

"I'm here, Liv, I'm here," Alex told her, smiling.

Olivia smiled, slightly in response. She then began to take in her surroundings. She tried to sit up in the bed to get a better look at the room.

"Don't try to get up that way, Liv. You're hurt. You're in a hospital."

"Where?"

"We're in Virginia," Alex told her.

"Why?"

"Because you were undercover and somehow your cover got blown," Alex explained.

"No, not why am I here, why are you here?"

Alex looked at her in disbelief. She was hurt. She knew that Olivia would have had to change while undercover. Alex thought she was prepared for the coldness that she would possess, but she wasn't as prepared as she thought she was. She knew that Olivia could be cold; she'd seen it with her in cases and dealing with perps. She wasn't ready to deal with this Liv.

"I came to help you."

"I don't need your help, Alex. I want to go home. When can I go home?"

"When you are cleared by the doctors and you finish your briefings with Dana and the FBI."

"Then, let's go. I've slept long enough. I can stand on my own two feet. Get Dana down here so we can start my debriefings," Olivia demanded.

"I'll call her."

"You do that."


Alex was in the waiting room down the hall, when Dana came in. She could see the swollen blue eyes and the sadness on Alex's face. Dana didn't like to upset her and she wanted to know why Liv was pushing already.

"She's awake," Alex said.

"I know. You called me, remember? What happened, Girlie?" Dana asked her.

"She was mad, cold, calculated. I've never seen her this way except with perps. She told me to 'get out and go home.' I don't know who she is. I've never seen this side of her."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. You can either stay here and help Liv become Liv again, or you can go home and hide behind your desk while you prosecute. The choice is yours. Alex, I know that she is upset. She just got ripped out of her cover and woke up three states away. I am sure that everything is fuzzy now. Just remember, she sent that letter to you two winters ago before she went under. Under all her bravado, she is still going to need help readjusting. She'd be lying if she didn't."

"Did you get Huang to come?" Alex questioned.

"Yeah, he practically jumped on the next plane out of Oklahoma to get here. He hates it there, and the Bureau knows it. He's doing good out there with the locals though. I've got him temporarily reassigned to us and the task force. He'll be in tomorrow, if he catches the flight."

"That's good. I know that he may have a better report with Liv about this than I do. I just wish that she would trust me enough. I came out of Wit Sec and I hid in plain sight for years. I know that she is going to have trouble readjusting. I just hope that the letter she sent you with will actually mean something to her, now," Alex replied.

"Don't give up. Be there for her. Let her know that you are here for her. She'll come around, eventually. But, for right now, why don't you go to the apartment that we got for y'all to stay in? Start making it homey for y'all. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks or more. Liv is going to have to talk to shrinks, the ATF, the DEA, and me. She is going to be a bear most days, but hopefully, she'll thank you for sticking around," Dana told her.

"I hope so."

"Hey, Kid, she'll be okay. I promised I'd return her in one piece and I will. I'm not letting her go until Huang clears her. He knows her. He'll do right by her. Go on now and get some real sleep. I'll go talk to Benson," Dana stated.

Dana walked into Olivia's hospital room. She could see the weariness and the pain in Liv's face. She could see the defenses already going up. Dana knew that Olivia was going into protection mode. She would stay there until Olivia deemed that she could let her guard down. Dana had done it herself when she came out from her cover.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Dana asked, as Olivia was trying to get out of bed.

"I am getting out of here. Schedule my briefings. I am done. I want to go back to New York. I should have never come to you. I should have never done this."

"I know, Darling. You did it, though, and now, you got to wait. I can't just release you."

"Why not?"

"Olivia Benson, do you think I can just let you go when you want just because on paper you are on loan from NYPD? It doesn't work that way. You were made a deputized agent, meaning you were working for the Bureau, not on loan."

"Damn, Dana, get me out of here."

"Get yourself out of here. Huang will be tomorrow. You convince him that you aren't going to do anything stupid and I'll try to fast track you through the briefings. Until then, Girlie, you are still mine, got it?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"And, Olivia, you might want to apologize to Alex while you're at it," Dana stated.

Dana walked towards the door of the room. She wasn't going to let Liv get a word in edgewise. She knew that if she got Liv wound up, she might get something out of her.

"Sit tight. I'll go find a doctor and see if I can at least spring you from here. I've got a cozy little place across the campus for you to stay in for the duration."

"Wait, what the hell? Why do I need to apologize to Alex? I didn't ask her to be here."

"Didn't you?" Dana questioned, stopping in the doorway.

"When?"

"Over and year and a half ago in your own handwriting," Dana answered, closing the door to the room behind her as she left. It was enough. It would push Liv back to being Liv.

Dana walked the corridor to the nurse's station. She would let the nurses know that Olivia was awake and that she could be transferred to the apartment as soon as the doctors cleared her.

Liv managed to get the bed into a sitting position. Her body hurt like hell. Her head pounded. She ran her left hand through her short hair. She hated hospitals. She hoped that the doctors would let her go to this apartment soon.

She stared out the window. She wanted to be outside. She couldn't breathe in the hospital. There were too many things to think about it in the hospital. Thinking was not something that Liv wanted to do at the moment.

"You wrote two letters?" Dana asked her.

"Yeah, I hope that's okay."

"Whatever you want, Girlie. So, both of them for Alex, that's unusual? You want me to give them both to her at the same time?" Dana asked.

"No, give her this one now."

"And, the other one?"

"Only if I don't make," Liv told her.

"What else do you need?"

"Well, I need a barber and an inker. Know of any good ones? I have to get ready."

"I know a few. Have you got an idea for something? You know that you can't have anything really gang related or departmental? Remember that it is going to be permanent, so make it something you can live with once you get back. Unless you plan on getting them remove, once you get back," Dana explained.

"I understand that. I'll need a laptop and a cell, burners of course. Plus, someone is going to have to teach me how to ride a motorcycle. We all know that is going to be important."

"I'll make sure that Russell gets you hooked up when you get there with a bike and lessons. You can go downstairs and find a barber. They'll take care of all your hair needs. Ask the barber for an artist reference. He'll hook you up. Just be careful and remember, I need you here at ten AM, no later. There will be more paperwork for you to fill out."

"I got it. I'll see you at ten. Just remember one thing for me, Dana," Liv told her.

"Yeah, and what's that?"

"My name is Julie."

It felt like a lifetime ago. Olivia wasn't sure it wasn't. She had been gone over a year and half. That was a long sting and one a deep one. She knew that most undercover cases only lasted six months to a year.

She realized that she had a year and a half worth of paperwork to go over and brief Dana about. She would have to testify to whatever reports that Russell and Ike sent up. She would have to tell them everything. She would have to remember it all over again.

The only problem was that she was a little foggy. There were snippets of memory, but none of it was fluid. She would have to remember as much as she could so she could go home. Olivia knew that she would have to talk to Huang, too. He would have to make sure that she wouldn't do anything stupid, like try to eat her gun all of the sudden if the memories came flooding back.

Dana walked back into the room. She saw the confused look on Olivia's face. She was searching for something in her memory. Dana didn't want to interrupt her thought process but she knew that Olivia wanted to get out of the hospital.

"Hey, Liv, good news," Dana told her.

"Yeah?"

"You're being released to the apartment. I'll have Mischa bring you up some clothes. Tomorrow, I'll take you to wardrobe again and you can pick out some suits and stuff to wear. But for now, you'll have to deal with jeans and t-shirts of various varieties."

"That's fine as long as I'm out of here."

"You think about what I said?"

"Yeah, so?" Liv asked in response.

"You gonna tell her or do you want me to?"

"Tell her what? That I'm sorry I'm a prick. That my mind is so muddled I can't tell where Liv starts and Julie ends sometimes. Dana, why is she really here?"

"For you."

"Damn it."

"Hey, you don't have anyone to blame but yourself for that one, Benson. You wrote her that letter. You left. You didn't talk to her and as soon as you wake up, you push her away, again. If I didn't know any better I would think that woman was a masochist when it came to you. God knows what she sees in you. I'd've killed you by now. Well, either that, or had my way with you," Dana explained.

"What the fuck, Dana? What the actual fuck are you talking about? I'm drugged, aren't I? I am dreaming about all of this."

Dana walked over to her and tapped her leg. Liv winced in pain and shot Dana an icy look. Dana didn't move. She held her ground, knowing she was about to piss Liv off more.

"Okay, Girlie, I'll take a lot of shit from a lot of people. Unfortunately for you, you aren't on that list. I am a federal agent. It is my business to know things. Besides, I'm Southern not stupid."

"What the hell does that mean?" Liv demanded.

"You told her you loved her in a letter that you sent before going undercover, dumbass!"

"How…how did…how did you know?"

"I repeat: I am a federal agent it is my business to know things. Besides, Liv, you are very good at hiding it. When Russell sent me the pictures of your tattoo, I did my research. Google is an amazing thing."

"Yeah, I know. I use it a lot. So?"

"You tattoo is over three red and I mean RED koi fish. Each is marked with a golden cross. The bottom of the pool is tiled with black chevrons.

"I like history, Liv, and art. I know to look for meanings where you shouldn't find any. It was a brilliant homage to her and to your Mom. I got to say that it was a creative set up and a nice sleeve," Dana told her.

"What did you figure out?" Liv asked her, squinting her eyes like she does when she's interrogating someone. She needed to know how much Dana knew. She wasn't going to betray anything. She wanted Dana to tell her everything.

"Come on, Liv. It's touching. Nice even. Very clever. I would have never thought of it had not one of Alex's distant cousins from Boston come in to see me one day. He had a very nice tattoo on his upper arm. It was a yellow shield with three distinct red fish on it. And, do you know what it said underneath the shield?"

"Cabot."

"That's right. So, I pulled your file and studied the tattoo again. I must say that your inker did a marvelous job of hiding not only the Cabot coat of arms in your koi tableau, but also that of Benson. It was distinct and romantic."

"If you knew, why did you say something?"

"Because you need to tell her you still love her. You need to tell her. Not me, not another agent, not some damn report she is going find or get her hands on. You need to tell her."

"I can't," Liv replied.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I have to think about Frankie," Liv answered hanging her head.

"Liv, in case you didn't remember, Frankie was your mark. I know you got close to her and all, but you got to let that go. That ship has sailed and there is no calling it back to the dock."

"But, what about Frankie?"

"Darling, Frankie is dead," Dana told her.

Dana watched Olivia shiver at the news. She was waiting on Liv to ask about the baby. When she didn't, she knew that she would have more time for Alex to get everything ready. Olivia moved around blindly as she packed up what little they had given her in the hospital.

"You ready now?"

"Yeah, I'm ready to go."

"What's going to be the first you do, tonight?" Dana asked, trying to get Liv's mind off of things for just a little bit.

"I am going to take a shower, a really long and hot shower," Liv answered, walking out of the hospital room, dressed in a pair of jeans and white wife-beater.