Before the cake was cut, Beckett and the ladies had some business to tend to - getting Meredeth to smile, however impossible a task it seemed to be. She leaned against the bureau, unable to sit as she waited for a response while Lili knocked on the door and called out gently, 'Mere?'
When there was no response, Honey-Milk tried herself. 'Mere, honey?'
'I'm fine, just a little upset stomach. I think I drank that punch too fast, too much sugar all at once,' was the watery response from behind the closed door; it had all them rolling their eyes, and Beckett's impatient voice snapping out.
'Bullshit, sugar, get your Danish ass out here.'
'Yeah, and make it snappy, Javier's getting worried about you too,' Lanie added.
'Really I'm fine.'
The door opened and the moment she saw her friend, Beckett wanted to gather her close and weep with her. She looked a total wreck and trying not to somehow made it even sadder. Knowing what she had to do, despite how excited she was for her own baby, Beckett crossed to her friend.
'Sweetie, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize...' She trailed off as she came over and wrapped her arms around her friend, stroked her hair. 'I didn't realize things were so bad for you.'
'No, no.' Meredeth shoved Beckett away, swiped at her eyes as she stared at their hostess. 'This is your son's birthday, Lanie, I can't ruin it like this...I need to get out of here.'
Meredeth turned for the door, but Honey-Milk was quicker and bodily blocked it. 'The fuck we are letting you out of here when you look like that. What, you think that we're going to brush off your troubles just because the timing is inconvenient?'
'It's nothing, I'm handling it-'
'By shutting us out?' Now Lanie got her shots in. 'There's always time for another party, Mere, but you are hurting now. And we want to fix that.'
'There is no way to fix it.' Meredeth sighed heavily, slumped against the closed door. 'I can't have any more babies, and we wanted a fourth so badly, so now...now I'll have put Javi through hell being such a bitch about it, and it's all in vain.'
'Yo, Susan Lucci, dial it down.' Lili the soaps-fan tried for dry sarcasm, but even that did nothing to penetrate the dense, unhappy fog surrounding her sister-in-law. 'Now what's all this about no more babies? You can't get pregnant anymore?'
'Looks like that's the case.'
'But the doctor would have told you, right?' Honey-Milk looked aghast that Harvey would let such an important test slip past his care. 'Harvey would tell you that on your appointment?'
'He said there is no medical reason for me and Javi not to conceive another three children if we wanted,' Meredeth said hollowly. 'And my last physical, before we started trying again last year, had nothing funny turn up. So it's something they missed, something they didn't check right or not enough.'
'Maybe it's the stress you're not pregnant yet that's affecting you, Mere,' Beckett pointed out. 'A lot of these things depend on your mental state and worrying about it would not work in your favour.'
'Kate no offense, but you weren't even trying with your husband and it happened.'
'Exactly. You need to calm...relax about it,' she replied, remembering how up in arms Meredeth always got when she was told to calm down, even though she felt the slap of her friend's words like a backhand across the face. 'You and Javi will have another baby, I can feel it.'
'Maybe you'll get another double-barrel like Leo and Trini,' Lili added with a smile, then felt her heart crumble to dust when Meredeth shuddered, and the tears started up again.
All of them looked at each other, with no idea what to do, they hadn't even seen Meredeth this shattered when her husband had been shot or when her grandmother died. For a moment, Lanie wondered if it was possible that her girl was already pregnant and this was simply her hormones acting like a crazy bitch.
'I don't want to do this,' Meredeth whispered through her tears, 'I don't. I want to be happy and enjoy the cake and the presents and the party for Carey, Lanie, but...fuck I am so selfish. I'm going to get some fresh air.'
'Mere,' Lili started, but Meredeth was already turning on her heel and staring down Honey-Milk.
'Jennifer Agatha, you have four seconds to move.'
Realizing it wasn't her day to win the battle, Honey-Milk stepped aside and let her go; they heard the front door open and shut a few minutes later. The women all stayed in the room together for a little bit, just looking at each other.
'God, what can we do to help her?' Lili asked, chewing her thumbnail.
'I don't think there is anything,' Lanie said softly. 'Mere's just going to have to ride it out.'
'That sucks out loud,' Honey-Milk complained. 'We're a detective, a doctor, a nurse, and an accountant. We're problem solvers and we're all mothers multiple times. We have to figure out a way to fix this.'
'Let me do it,' Beckett offered, and all eyes turned to her. 'It's me she's upset with, well, I think it's mostly herself and I'm a handy target.'
'Are you sure Kate?'
'Yeah, Jenny, I'm sure. Just trust me. Lanie, I'll be back in time for cake and I'll be back with Meredeth in hand.'
The others nodded, and Beckett took out her cellphone as she left the room to text Meredeth a quick message - mere-bear it's katie-lou, where are you lady?
'Hey, where'd Meredeth go?' Castle came up to his wife; he'd seen the majority of the women disappear only to have Meredeth actually leave the apartment entirely.
'Hold on.' Beckett checked the incoming message on her phone and put her fingers to her lips as she read the text - down the street at the park. come sit by me. xo Mere. 'Javi?'
'Yo.' Esposito stepped a little closer, having followed Castle over. 'You going to find Mere?'
'Yeah. I know where she is and I know you want to be her hero, Javi. You are her superhero,' she corrected herself, 'but right now, going through what she is going through, she needs a woman's ear. Then she'll need her man's embrace.'
'Well said,' Castle murmured. 'We'll see you both soon.'
Beckett gave him a kiss and set off, trying to think of what she might say to her friend as she headed towards the small parkette. She stopped just a few feet back from the lone bench where she saw Meredeth with her head in her hand.
'This seat taken?' she asked gently, and Meredeth looked up, gave a sighing little laugh.
'Go ahead.'
She sat down, and said nothing, just picked up her friend's hand and held it tightly as they looked at the garden of blossoms. 'Mere, you will get through this,' Beckett promised her friend. 'It may not seem like it, but you will. Believe me, I know what that feels like.'
'I'm not thinking my lack of pregnancy is like your mother getting shot.'
'I was thinking more about Alexis' miscarriage.' She paused a moment. 'And my own.'
'You?' Meredeth turned to look at the pretty detective. 'You had one too?'
'Mm-hmm. After my mom died, I went a little nuts when I went back to school. I was out drinking and partying, telling myself I should focus on feeling alive. I was dating a real party-boy and I got pregnant. I never told my dad, because two days after I took the EPT test, I started bleeding out and I knew it was a miscarriage.'
'Kate.' Now Meredeth put her free hand over their joined ones. 'I can't even imagine what that must have felt like.'
'It was a wake-up call to me, more than anything.'
'What did Rick say when you told him?'
'That he understood it was part of my past, just like the fact that he's been married twice but the key was to let my past be part of me, not all of me.'
'Wise man,' Meredeth commented.
'The point being, Mere, I felt like I'd hit bottom and let down people I loved when everyone was telling me how strong and brave I was, I was so sick of it, I just wanted to escape and have control of myself again. And I got through it, and look at me now.'
Meredeth sighed and nodded a little. 'I'm so scared, Katie. What if it's something else, something like...like cancer that means I can't get pregnant? I've been feeling off and weird in my body lately.'
'Go to the doctor's, get some tests done, then.'
'I'm going Tuesday afternoon.'
'Then good or bad, you'll have your answer. And if it's good, we'll celebrate. If it's bad, we'll support you until we have reason to celebrate.'
Meredeth chuckled a little, then laid her head on Beckett's shoulder. 'Oh, you really are going to make a good mom again.'
