A/N OK friends. This. This chapter is what I wrote this whole thing for. Because Kakashi needs therapy, and we all need a better attitude to mental health.
Sometimes it might feel like you have nothing to be depressed about, that you shouldn't be, but guess what? It doesn't matter what's happened to you. Chemical imbalances can just happen. Hormones can just happen. And this is out of your control, and equally not your fault. If you need to seek help it does not make you weak, it makes you a survivor. It makes you healthy. And I am proud of anyone taking this step.

This chapter comes from my own experiences with therapy, as someone with severe PTSD. It is something you have to do for yourself, to take charge of something when everything seems so out of control. And while no one person can just fix that for you, having support people is essential and life saving sometimes. Again, I implore you to seek help if you need it. Nothing is permanent, and there is so much on offer to help.

Sorry for the long note. This chapter has been in my head for years. I am very nervous letting it out. Here goes;

(the next one will have more fluffy happiness I SWEAR)


The midday sun bore down on his shoulders. The summer heat might have been unpleasant to the throngs of villagers around, going about their business, but to Kakashi it was just enough warmth to keep the numbness at bay. Feeling that fierce heat was far better than feeling the nothingness that had swallowed him that morning.

Ten years ago he would have simply taken a mission, or been too busy with one already. Avoidant coping. It had served him well his entire life, until recently anyway.

It was perhaps remiss of him to leave the office as early as he had, in light of yesterday's events, but he'd wanted to take the longer route downtown. Just to be certain there were no followers. This week especially the danger of being shadowed had increased. But Kakashi also selfishly wanted to enjoy that sunshine for a bit more, it was pitiable that he had to escape his own office in order to just breathe some fresh air. If someone had told him this ten years ago he would have laughed.

Thirty years of being a shinobi. And he was now only using these skills to escape his own office, to go to a scheduled therapy session.

The whole situation was laughable.

Three decades of missions, assassinations, undercover infiltrations, training genin, you name it. The stress of these missions had been intense, but then his mind and body had been sharpened to best of his ability. A weapon to be utilized. Which he now felt anything but. He was a relic.

In recent years Kakashi would have buried himself in the ever abundant Hokage busy work to avoid stress. But currently his stress was born from that menial labor. Failing that he would have adopted a new project to keep himself occupied enough not to think. But he'd already taken his frustrations out on Sakura in the worst way, their work pushed aside because of it.

How could he have stooped so low? What was even happening to him? It was deplorable to think that he couldn't even rein in his own terrible urges.

The only outlet he had found to calm himself, was Sakura. And now she wanted to spend time with him, not working, when she deserved someone infinitely better than an older man who couldn't control himself.

The guilt had been brewing overnight. As well as the confusion, just how a little pressure had caused him to overreact like that. While Sakura seemed to be alright about it, too alright actually, the last thing he wanted was to make her uncomfortable or shatter the gradual progress they had made.

She deserves better.

That had been the whole point of his self imposed mission, the whole reason this project had gained so much more value in Kakashi's mind. And it was already of great value to begin with.

Kakashi reached the building in record time.

Which to anyone who knew him, was an ominous sign in itself.

HIs thoughts were so scattered that he barely registered nodding to the guard at the entrance, going through the patients door to the inconspicuous office building. The green leather couch making that familiar squeaking noise as he sat, waiting.

Early to his own appointment, maybe he really had gone insane.

Kakashi managed at least to pull the little turquoise book from his pocket. Rather than reading, he stared blankly at the cover, seeking the usual familiar comfort from it's never changing facade. Lost in his thoughts so wholly he did not notice when Dr. Crane made his entrance. Only registering another presence when he took his seat across from him. Not a good habit for a ninja.

He was supposed to be the best.

The thought dashed across his mind as he met the doctor's probing eyes, Kakashi found himself wondering again if the man could actually read minds. The look reflected back at him was an odd mixture that Kakashi could not fathom.

"Well, this is unexpected. You're not due for another two weeks."

It was the first time in a few years that the man didn't immediately take out his patient note book, an odd detail that Kakashi couldn't help but notice. The undivided attention suddenly unsettling.

"Yeah…Well."

It might have been the tone of his voice from those short words, or it could have been the dejected way he was now staring at his hands, the tells were all there. Kakashi knew this, he wasn't stupid, but it still struck him off guard when Dr. Crane spoke.

"Something's happened I take it?"

A sharp nod. Words forming and disappearing before he could say them aloud.

The doctor sat patiently, watching quietly, not moving an inch. In a typical session he would begin with questions, but it was not typical for Kakashi to have something to actually discuss, to seek him out for extra help. His mind cycled through what needed to be said, mouth falling open to speak but it was lost somewhere between his brain and his lips.

Time was a variable that had been lost on him for the last few days, unsure at what pace it was passing, to him everything seemed slowed. He looked up apologetically to the doctor, hoping that look said more than he could with words. Kakashi knew he'd have to answer eventually.

"Take your time. I'm in no hurry."

No hurry. The words struck a chord with Kakashi. He had been in such a hurry to get here, wanting reprieve from the utter bedlam that was Hokage tower that morning. It was all he had been thinking about since leaving Sakura's, occupying a large part of his thoughts as he spent the rest of the night working at his desk, trying desperately to distract himself.

"Sorry…" the word slipped from his lips finally, "I'm, for once, not actually trying to waste time here. It's just…"

Kakashi trailed off, unable to complete the sentence.

"Kakashi, this is the first time in five years that I've seen you outside of the regular appointment. Usually you tell me everything you think I want to hear just to get out of the room. Whatever's happened, if it was stressful enough for you to seek refuge here, then I can wait until you're ready to talk…"

"Stressful." A surging bitterness in his tone surprised him, giving an edge to the interruption he hadn't intended. "This is nothing. I've been in two wars. Lost people… nothing compares to that. This should be nothing."

Kakashi had spoken quietly, unsure on what he was actually saying. It seemed to be coming out of its own accord. It was all true though.

"I'm aware of your past. But clearly, this isn't nothing." There was no false pretense in the way the doctor spoke, watching Kakashi with a deliberate and concerned gaze. "Stress builds in time and without a proper outlet, it manifests in other ways. Like you said, you've been in two wars, lost people, been in countless terrifying situations. And now you're running a village. Just because it's a different kind of stress doesn't make it any less real and damning. Exhausting even after thirty years of it chipping away at you."

A more comfortable silence ensued. Kakashi finally able to calm the brewing anxiousness which had rendered him useless all morning. The doctor beat him to the punch before his own voice returned to him.

"You have excelled in all aspects of your career, not that you'll agree to that statement, no matter how I put it. You are allowed to take a moment to be selfish after giving so much of yourself, you're entitled to your own feelings…"

"That's just it though."

Kakashi wasn't sure where exactly to begin. For the first time he allowed himself to admit out loud to the listlessness that had plagued him in the weeks prior to his last session. How all that had almost vanished with just the prospect of Sakura's hospital project. How Sakura had not just peppered him with kisses, but pep talks, dinners, kindness he was sure he didn't deserve.

He admitted to missing her while he'd been away, how he hated that his thoughts went to her without his express permission. The guilt prevailing even though she'd never once rebuked his gestures.

And with the explanation of yesterday's event, right down to his kissing her in frustration, Kakashi also admitted to the veritable mourning he was wallowing in. Doomed to be trapped in the white robe and hat for the foreseeable future. The realization consuming him to numbness, which in hindsight he was grateful for as it took away some of the terrible guilt he felt for acting on his feelings. For crossing a line with her. For not being able to control himself.

He left out no detail of the events of the last few weeks. All his feelings, everything said between himself and Sakura, nothing had been missed. Not once had Crane interrupted him. He'd asked no questions, simply maintained his fixed look on Kakashi, not taking a single note.

For a while after Kakashi had stopped talking, breathing hard as if he'd been running full tilt through enemy territory, he wondered if the doctor had been stunned into silence. Kakashi himself unsure if he'd ever spoken as many words altogether to one person like that.

Until the silence was broken.

"Why don't you just quit, if it's causing you this much distress?"

Kakashi scoffed a little at the words.

"Impossible. The foundation for this peace we're all enjoying is fragile at best. And while no one would certainly miss me, as the worst Hokage in history, it's not worth the risk. I wouldn't want to subject the other Kage to the uproar either. Though, pissing them all off would certainly be a fitting departure."

"That sounds a lot like an excuse. You said it yourself, if no one will miss you, just do it."

Crane had never spoken to Kakashi with such brazenness. While it was refreshing to hear from the subdued man, it sparked a little anger as well.

"It's not that simple."

"What's so complicated? Your doctor friend certainly agrees that you've done more than enough for the village. There's over thirty years of service under your belt."

"It's just…" Kakashi faltered and Crane took the opportunity to keep talking over him.

"It's just not enough? Is that what you were about to say? What counts as enough Kakashi? When does it stop?"

Each question bore down on him like a weight, pushing him down further into the sofa until the usually calm exterior cracked.

"I don't know!" It came out as an almost shout, his fists clenching. "I just don't know. When it's enough. When I feel…"

He faltered again. This time Crane paused before speaking.

"When you feel what? Content that you've fulfilled your friends last request? Satisfied that you've exhausted yourself enough to die in the field?"

"No, maybe…"

"If you need to feel something in order for it all to be enough, to finally be able to step back and stop, you need to be able to recognize what that feeling is."

Kakashi found himself struggling to follow a rational train of thought. So he allowed the first words that popped into his mind to be freed.

"When I'm happy, I'll stop."

Crane sat back in his chair. Raising an eyebrow imperceptibly. If Kakashi didn't know the man better, he'd chalk it up as a smug victory to the doctor. But it wasn't that at all. Rather the man was simply relieved that Kakashi had finally proffered an acceptable answer to lead them on the right track.

"Interesting. Although, will you allow yourself to be happy, Kakashi?"

In reply Kakashi raised his brow as if to say, what do you mean by that? The doctor knew him well enough to continue without a verbal answer.

"You just told me, in great detail, about the feelings of joy you found in spending time with your former student. And the guilt you suffered for seeking solace in that joy. After all she's told you, you still feel unworthy of her affection, and that outweighs your happiness."

Kakashi was beginning to grow impatient.

"What's your point?"

"My point, is that you don't allow yourself to be happy. You run from it, like you're running from your feelings for your former student. In short, you're afraid."

The words were so heavy to Kakashi it was as if they had physically dropped the atmosphere of that little room. Plunging him into a hole. He wanted to deny it but couldn't. His weary mind tried to fight back just a little, clawing to hold on to his logical thoughts.

Hadn't he earnt the right to be afraid? After thirty years of fighting, heartbreak and death. Just because the wars had stopped for now didn't mean it all couldn't happen again.

"What I want to know Kakashi, is what you're so afraid of?"

The answer appeared in a moment of sudden clarity.

"Loosing her."

He wasn't exactly sure what that entailed. Death or pushing her to hating him because of his uncontrollable urges. Finishing this project and not having her close to him any more...

"Things aren't exactly the same between the two of you now. How would you like to change your relationship with her? What would you like to be different?"

Kakashi had to think. More than anything he wanted only to be the person that she deserved, but it seemed an impossibility. He wanted her with him, always. But above that...

"I just want her to be happy."

"Just her, not for the both of you to be happy?"

Crane posed the question with a quirk of his brow. The doctor already knew the answer.

"Maybe I just think happiness is overrated."

"But not for her."

"No."

There was a slight upturn of the doctors lips into an almost smile at Kakashi's lack of hesitation in his answer. Above all things, Sakura deserved the absolute best of everything on offer. For all the love she poured into everything she did, for everyone she cared for, for all the horrible things people had put her through. She deserves someone who makes her happy, always.

What if he was the only one able to make her happy... If not him, then who?

She'd basically said as much when she'd asked him to that damned festival.

You're the only person I want to go with.

And he'd basically turned her down and avoided the subject entirely. What had he been thinking? He hadn't been thinking, he'd been stressing over that terrible day...over kissing her… Kakashi's eyes widened. His thoughts ordering themselves. Crane watched on, aware that a realization had taken place but he must have felt the urge to help it along.

Was he denying her happiness by feeling guilty for his own?

"Kakashi, in two or three short weeks, you've opened up more to this former student of yours than you have in all our sessions over five whole years. That is not an insignificant thing."

"I've known her a long time."

"Yes. Exactly." Crane appeared to almost be excited as he sat forward on his chair, "She is a constant for you. One of the few you've allowed close enough. She knows you well, and you know her. But the difference here, is that she can offer you the kind of physical and emotional comfort you've not allowed yourself to experience in a very long time. Something I certainly can't offer you. And you are looking for other outlets because you are afraid."

"What are you saying?" Kakashi could not fathom the smile on the mans face.

"What I'm saying, is two things. Firstly, as your healthcare professional. You specifically have always sought projects, missions, work as a form of comfort. A way to silence the demons. Now you have finally discovered that this is also possible with a partner. Someone you trust implicitly. And this, is okay. It is a very normal way to cope with stress and by continuing to strengthen that connection you'll find that even just the other person's presence can be calming. Again, this is okay. Having another person who makes you feel something isn't codependence, it isn't shameful. There is no reason to feel ashamed over a basic human need for closeness. You're still human, Lord Hokage."

Kakashi raised his eyebrow at the man for the title and the implication of closeness. But the words were hitting home in other ways.

"And the second thing?"

"Secondly, and I say this as someone who has tried to get to know you over the last five years, a friend persay." Kakashi smirked for the first time all day. "You've got to stop being so hard on yourself. Your wounds, mental and physical, are not your fault. But your healing is your responsibility. Listen to her, listen to Sakura. She's right. Let someone do something for you for a change and for god's sakes let it be her. Because you both deserve to be happy and you've found that in each other."

Responsibility. Even just the notion caused an involuntary shiver to rattle his spine.

Crane stood and stretched a little, he was very out of character today and Kakashi had enjoyed it thoroughly, though arguably he was also behaving oddly himself. But it added another layer of mystery to the man and Kakashi had always liked puzzles.

"As for the quitting thing, you'll know when the time is right. But you've no obligation to anyone to hold on to the job. Tsunade didn't even make it as long as you. And that woman had issues."

Kakashi snickered at the comment, finding himself on his feet with only one place he wanted to be at that moment.

"Thanks Doctor."

"Don't mention it. Oh, as an afterthought, you do realize she was asking you on a date last night, right? And you completely avoided answering her."

"Uh, yeah. I figured as much."

"Good, good. Flowers are always a good start, I find."

The man chuckled and opened the door for Kakashi. He paused briefly to shake his hand, it felt like the right thing to do.

"Don't hang around here any longer. She's probably waiting for your answer."

"Right."

"Oh, and Kakashi… My door's always open."

A sharp nod. He smiled before he left.

The afternoon sun sat on his shoulders, warming his skin, but there was an even more comfortable warmth growing within him. And he could only attribute it to Sakura. It was almost time for her to drop the reports off after all, and suddenly his office didn't seem like such a bad place to be.

There was a little guilt still lingering amidst the strange cathartic feeling now washing over Kakashi, but he figured it would probably all but disappear as soon as he made it up to her. And he was going to make it up to her somehow, make her smile, for as long as she'd let him.

He'd just have to ask her to be patient with him a little while longer.


It never got any easier.

She was no stranger to death by now, but telling an entire family that their loved one was not coming home to them, that grief was something she would never get used to. And she didn't want to.

Sakura sat on a bench outside the hospital. Allowing herself five minutes to wallow in the sadness, willing the sunshine to dry the last of her tears as they tracked down her cheeks.

When she'd arrived at the hospital that morning Sakura had been in some mood in between happiness and nervousness. As well as being still slightly baffled from the night before. She'd had a fitful sleep, heated from the imprint of Kakashi's warm masked lips on hers. Part of her worried that she'd been too forward after that and scared him off entirely.

But right now it didn't matter.

A patient had died, it had always been a probable outcome, but it didn't make it any easier. When Shizune had told Sakura to take some time out, she'd jumped at the opportunity. Relishing a moment to organize her thoughts before she would busy herself for the rest of the day just so she wouldn't have to think. It usually worked.

It was just unfortunate that the only thing she had waiting for her was paperwork. The piles on her desk eventually dwindled to nothing, it was probably the only time she'd ever felt bad about not having any to do.

By early afternoon Sakura was fed up. There was plenty of work waiting for her at home for the children's hospital, and if she left now she may even be able to catch some of the psychiatrists she had wanted to poach while they were on their lunch breaks. No one questioned her leaving, Shizune however forcing two days worth of medical reports onto her to go to Hokage tower. She'd forgotten how it had been impossible to get into the building yesterday.

Initially she felt an immediate apprehension in heading over there. That perhaps Kakashi had only been polite with her last night until his departure, and now he wouldn't want to see her at all. She tried to shake the insecurity but that had always been a difficult thing for her to do. Even with Sasuke. She had never felt so unwanted as she had with him, even after the proposal. Sakura had to shake the thought from her head.

Kakashi had never made her feel unwanted. He'd only ever made her feel the opposite of that. She felt needed and cared for. Last night had proven that enough with his desperate kiss, even if he felt guilty for it. There was no reason she should be apprehensive about seeing him. Actually it might just be what she needed right now. The man certainly had a knack for making her feel better after a rough day, even when his own had been hard going as well.

A smile danced over her face as she neared the building. She would make him realize, somehow, that it was okay to touch her like that. She wasn't going to break in his arms.

Sakura braced herself before passing through the gates, expecting the mayhem she'd stumbled upon yesterday. She hadn't even been able to get to the doors, but today all was eerily quiet. So quiet in fact that Sakura's kunoichi skills went into high alert. This was somehow even more ominous than when the place was thrown into chaos.

While she liked to think that perhaps it had all just died down faster than expected, Sakura knew Kage politics well enough to discern that it was an impossibility. Especially after the state she'd seen Kakashi in last night. As her thoughts lingered on him, and that horrible despondent expression before he'd left, she wished the man would just take it easier on himself. It wouldn't surprise her in the slightest if he continued to be Hokage for another decade in order to keep the peace. And he would do the job perfectly while hating every second of it, it was just his way.

The corridors were conspicuously empty.

As was the Hokage's chair.

The only signs of commotion were coming down the hall from Shikamaru's office. For a while Sakura just stood at the door, staring at Kakashi's desk and willing him to appear behind it, smiling at her. Stranger still, now she noticed that the place was even tidy.

Curiosity got the better of her.

After depositing the files in the usual place, noting the haphazard way Kakashi's white robe was thrown over his chair before she left, Sakura found herself standing at the open door to Shikamaru's office. Three chunins hanging to his every word before they were dispersed. She waited patiently before knocking on the open door. Whatever instructions he'd been giving must have been important enough for them all to leave immediately.

Shikamaru looked up at her briefly when she walked in. The other ninja rushing past her and out into the corridor.

"Hay Sakura."

"Hey Shikamaru, do you know where Kakashi is?" She had to cut the question off by biting her cheek, almost forgetting to drop the sensei part. It would take some getting used to still.

Shikamaru sat back in his chair and crossed his arms in defeat.

"You tell me."

Sakura raised a brow, then followed the pointed glare he shot the schedule on the wall. When she approached it for a closer look Shikamaru stood up from his desk. Her eyes quickly scanned to today's date before casting a confused look back at him.

"But it's not the last Thursday of the month...why has he…"

"Seriously Sakura, you'd need to tell me, because I have no idea. First thing he did the morning after we got back from the Sand Village, walked up to that board and blanked out every second Thursday afternoon."

For the rest of the year there was a blacked out scribble over the squares indicating the hours between two and five in the afternoon. Sakura cast her eye up to the clock above the door.

"I must have just missed him then, it's not even two."

"That's right, he left about twenty minutes ago. Surprising, considering the troublesome mess we've been dealing with all week. I didn't have the heart to stop him, he'd been here all night by the looks of it, answering messages and signing off on stuff. Powering through all the mess and sending people on their way. Probably just so he could disappear for whatever this is…"

Shikamaru flippantly raised a finger to the board, now standing next to Sakura and eyeing it with the same wonder. As if Kakashi didn't hold enough of an air of mystery about him, this only intensified that enigma. One that Sakura was starting to really feel concerned about.

Perhaps she'd been too clouded by her own feelings of joy when he'd sought her out last night and kissed her so tenderly. Too blinded by happiness to see just how broken and worn down the man actually was. And then he'd returned to his office for the rest of the night…

Her eyes darted to another glaring mark on that scheduling board that worried her. An entire day of inky blackness over every hour.

"What's this?"

"Hmm, oh that's Kakashi's one day off. I didn't realize it was coming up so soon, what a drag…"

It was soon, less than two weeks away in fact. Shikamaru returned to his desk with a huff as the phone rang. Sakura waved herself out, he nodded as she went. By the sounds of the conversation he was having it would be a while before Shikamaru would be free to speak to her again.

It didn't matter, she had places to be.

With one eye on the time Sakura promptly made her way back onto the streets with all the speed and grace of a kunoichi. While her conversation with Shikamaru had irked her slightly, to the point that she now did not know what to think at all, she decided to resort back to the original plan.

Get back to work. Research. Planning. Business.

If she was occupied enough then she wouldn't have to worry, or at least she could save it for later when she saw him, if she saw him. And that was the sudden thought that made her falter in her step, the concern beginning to quietly settle over top of her other thoughts.

She continued quickly, taking the shinobi route, so she called it, overtop of some of the smaller buildings. Chakra adding to her speed, the wind in her hair, eyes stinging a little after the earlier crying session. It was good she was avoiding the masses of people by going this way. The beginnings of a headache started to irritate her before she reached down town.

This would have to be a quick visit anyway.

Sakura had been in this building before, while she had shadowed Lady Tsunade, but years later the place still struck her as odd. It was an entirely below average, boring looking even, office building to the naked eye. But the place offered more secret entrances and exits than some of the more substantial fortresses Sakura had seen in her time as jounin. She chose the back entrance which was for staff purposes. She was technically staff after all.

The first obstacle had been one of the paid guards at the inner door by the intercom. Thankfully her reputation had preceded her. The pink hair and byakugou mark were a bit of a dead giveaway.

Through a labyrinth of corridors she was lead, until she found herself in the office of the man she'd hoped to meet. Laden bookcases surrounded an almost glaringly tidy desk, it practically shone under the lamps. The one window in the room looked out at street level, Sakura knew those windows were tinted to see outwardly only. This place held more secrets than Anbu headquarters.

Footsteps alerted her to a presence.

"Doctor Haruno I presume?"

She turned to take in the stout man, barely taller than her, slightly balding. His hand stretched out to shake. Sakura took it with a smile.

"Yes, apologies for the interruption, I really had just hoped to schedule a quick meeting with you." She wasn't lying, but she had also secretly wanted to plant the seed in the doctor's head about her project.

"No need for apologies. It's my pleasure to meet you, actually. I've heard great things about your current research."

"Oh, well thank you. But I really don't want to disrupt your day, I can come back another time to discuss it."

The man pulled his sleeve down to check the ornate watch on his wrist.

"I've one appointment due to start shortly. But this one's usually late so I have a few minutes at least. I take it this is about the children's hospital?"

Sakura nodded. Word had been getting out slowly as she approached many other doctors. He rounded his desk to sit, beckoning her to take a seat across from him.

"Yes, actually. Construction is due to start soon, but there are many other things to organize."

"Let me guess, you're looking for anyone able bodied or interested in supervising treatment programmes?"

Sakura liked cutting down to business, it made things so much easier. She could see why Tsunade had recommended this one so highly.

"That's correct. I really believe this will be an asset to the village, something that has been lacking for some time.."

"Sakura, let me stop you right there. Do you mind if I call you Sakura?" The man interrupted her so politely she could not refuse. "I think this is a wonderful idea, and you are one hundred percent right. It has been sorely lacking for a long while."

"You do?"

"Yes. Believe me, I see enough shinobi veterans that would have benefitted from simple mental health care at an earlier age. I would be delighted to help in anyway that I can."

Sakura felt a tinge of warmth on her cheeks as she smiled with pride.

"Thank you, thank you so much Doctor Crane. I have a few others to ask, but Lady Tsunade praised you so highly."

"Did she now?" He raised an eyebrow. "Pity I was never allowed to properly tackle her drinking problem though. Anyway, I digress, you just feel free to pop back in once plans are finalized and I'll lend you whatever help I can offer."

"That would be great. There are actually a couple of case studies I've been…"

There was a tap at the door. Six knocks at a speed Sakura guessed was code. The door never opened, then silence.

"Ah, my appointment has arrived." 's brow furrowed as he checked his watch and stood. "Two minutes early even, how strange. We will have to discuss this another time, but as I said, come back whenever you like and we can go over the details."

Sakura stood, shook the man's hand again, thanked him profusely then left.

It had gone better than expected. Mentally she ticked the list off in her mind.

Unfortunately, now she realized that the guard had also left. Obviously to accompany whichever patient had just entered. Utterly alone in the veritable maze of corridors Sakura felt her headache intensify as she tried to remember her way out.

At least once she was out of here she could down a coffee and a sweet treat. Maybe that would bolster her up. Even if she knew sugar was a temporary fix at best, it was something to look forward to, albeit a tiny something. Her spirits were much higher having the approval from such a renowned psychiatrist as Doctor Crane.

She wondered what Kakashi might think of it all. Then right as she was considering what to have for dinner, whether he would be joining her or not, the entire world paused.

At the very end of the corridor, illuminated by the light filtering in through the opened door, was the man in question.

White hair attractively askew, Kakashi did not look down the darkened and shadowy part of the hallway that she stood frozen in. He barely looked up from his feet as the guard ushered him immediately through another door.

The whole sighting lasted approximately five seconds.

But the world had stopped for Sakura. Her breathing stilled. The mental connections not forming quickly enough for her to actually move. So she stood there, alone, aghast.

What was he doing here?

The secrecy, the disappearing act, and yet here he was. She had seen him with her very own eyes, unless she had truly gone insane.

Sakura hurried herself out the hallway and into the sunshine, finally kickstarting her body into movement, the building had felt stifling all of a sudden. She needed to be as far away from it as possible. Needed the air to be able to process what she had just seen.

The further away she got, the more her mind began to comprehend what had just happened. The more her lungs filled with fresh air the better she was able to see the truth.

Kakashi was in therapy.

The way he'd talked about coping mechanisms.

That day they'd been walking together round the village. She had thought that odd at the time. He was self aware because he'd been talking to a doctor about it. Not just any doctor, a specialist in post traumatic stress.

Of course. That was why he'd jumped at this project. That was why he was helping.

The pieces of the puzzle all slotted into place before she reached her apartment. When she walked through her own door she took another deep breath. Leaning back against the frame, Sakura's first sight was the mountains of scrolls and books adorning her dining table. This project really was just as meaningful for him as it was for her.

It now struck her that Kakashi had been talking of himself that day, when he'd said if something like this had been around in my time.

The psychiatric form in that Anbu folder. The way he completely shied away from human contact unless forced.

But he'd managed to open up to her. Even if it was just a little. For a brief moment she was glad that they had grown close over the last few weeks so that she was able to be there for him in that way. Her own selfish wants and needs aside, she had wanted him to get help, just never expected that he was already seeking it.

Something terrible must have happened five years ago for him to willingly engage in therapy with a trained professional. Five years Shikamaru had said… Sakura's mind began to flick through what possibly could have pushed their Hokage to that point but she came up blank as another thought dashed across her mind

He must never know.

Kakashi could never find out that she knew about it. She could not risk whatever treatment he was getting. Wouldn't risk scaring him into reclusiveness.

While seeing him in that building on any other day, at any other time, could be written off as nothing it was too late now. Sakura had all the facts about his regularly scheduled disappearances, as well as knowing a little about his difficult past.

It's so cumbersome I feel like I'm losing my mind.

He'd said that too. Right after admitting how guilty he felt. Thirty years of constant stress was eating him alive, coming at him in new forms as Hokage… and now with her.

Sakura gulped. Solidifying her thinking now that this would remain completely secret. She would not mention it to anyone, or to Kakashi herself. Mentally she also removed Doctor Crane from her list of able staff members for the new venture. While he was an excellent doctor she did not want to risk any kind of unethical crossover that would make Kakashi uncomfortable. At least for now.

Maybe it had been a bad idea to ask him out to the festival like that.

With a mitigating sigh Sakura forced herself into the kitchen to brew tea.

She made a silent vow to act as normally as possible with Kakashi, even if it hurt her.

The more she tried not to think of it at all, the more proud she felt of the man. For being strong enough to go and get that kind of mental health treatment that men seem so oblivious to needing. For keeping up with it, assuming it was where he was every single month. For doing it on his own. Sakura was allowed to be proud of him for that. She guessed that was the kind of thing one had to do when they'd been on their own for so long. Something she may need to very well do for herself one day.

Alone. He'd been on his own this whole time...

Absentmindedly she stirred her tea. Shaking herself out of the stupor she'd fallen into.

There was still work to be done. More than ever she could use the distraction. It was with a snicker that she realized that four weeks ago she was doing this very thing to distract herself from loneliness. Now she was doing it to keep her mind off Kakashi.

Try as she might, the tunnel vision that usually captured and forced her focus would not humour her.

Sakura's thoughts were now distracting her from her distraction. It would have been laughable if she wasn't so annoyed about it all. She sighed again. Putting the cup of now cold tea to her lips. She didn't need to look at the time to know it had been one of the longest days of her year. Long, draining, confusing.

It was with a pang of guilt that she remembered the reason why she'd left the hospital so early in the first place. The loss of that patient. A lone tear tracked down her cheek and she was suddenly too tired to brush it aside. Overwhelmed.

It was hard to see positivity at a time like this. For some reason whenever she tried to give herself a statement of affirmation, in her own thoughts, it came out in Naruto's voice.

There's always tomorrow.

It was a start anyway.

A soft knocking sound distracted her. It was like someone had pressed play on a paused tape and she was suddenly aware of her surroundings for the first time all afternoon. Except it wasn't afternoon, it was evening. The orange light in her apartment made the dark shadows of overly large furniture grow up the walls, towering over her.

The knock returned a little louder.

How long had she been spacing out for?

Flicking the lights on as she made her way across the room, Sakura's hand grasped the knob at the same time it was pushed open. She almost startled back into her apartment, but the sudden closeness of the other person was not uncomfortable.

Kakashi stood just inches in front of her. White robes gone, headband gone. Just him in the usual gear.

Her mouth opened to speak but she was still so shocked at seeing him. Perhaps not as shocked as she'd been earlier today, but now as he held her gaze, it felt very different. Even his eyes looked wider, internally an immature impulse of hers was very satisfied at seeing him startled, even if it was just a little bit.

"Hi."

He said, not stepping into the threshold any closer. Like he was waiting for her approval. His eyes never leaving hers in a trance inducing way.

"Kakashi, hi."

She said it meekly, in a voice she did not recognize as her own. Watching as his eyes softened into something so utterly tender and shining it was all she could do not to wrap her arms around him.

"So. What time am I picking you up?"

Sakura felt her heart skip an actual beat. He was saying yes to the festival.

"Five, does that work for you?"

"Five sounds great."

Now he was smiling as well and Sakura felt like she was about to melt. She stepped back and went straight to the kitchen to throw water on her overheated cheeks, but she never made it. The door made a clicking sound as he shut it, when she turned he was standing very close to her, but not moving. Like he was waiting for something again.

Without thinking she bridged the gap, leaning up to place a slow kiss very close to his lips. His thumb immediately came to her cheek, wiping the trail that tear had left. For a silent and heated few moments they simply leaned into the others touch. Sakura letting out a breathy kind of sigh.

This day was too full of surprises, it left her head feeling light.

Kakashi pulled back ever so slightly. The concern in his eyes tugging at her heart even more. She watched it fade as she smiled widely, letting him know that she was alright.

That was when his eyes creased shut in a more familiar way. His hand reaching up to scratch his head.

"I do have one condition…"

The surprises weren't done with Sakura for the day.


soz for the cliffhanger. Find me on Tumblr btw.