I'm sorry if I have ever done anything that has hurt you at all in any way, shape, or form. I swear from whatever piece of real heart that I have that I hope you never held onto whatever horrible feeling that I put upon you. I'm so sorry if I ever did something like that. I'm so sorry if you have ever felt like no one cares or like you're worthless and you can do nothing. Don't ever think like that. And yes, I may be being hypocritical but I don't care. I don't want anyone to feel like I do or worse. If you ever feel like I have and do, try to walk away from it as fast as you can. Or it will tear you apart and keep you prisoner even while you feel as if you are happy. If you have no friends, find me and I will be there. If someone is pushing you down into a dark hole of misery, I will try my hardest to bring you out because no one deserves to be trapped in that awful state of mind. It kills me to know that there are others like me and I don't want that to be true. Don't let yourself get sucked into that void, because, believe me, it is hard to come out of. And it can slowly kill you as well.
*deep breath*
Okay. Be warned. These are the dark things that haunt my mind. This is your chance to look away from my horrible things. To walk away from my living nightmare. To just close your eyes to it all and pretend that it isn't happening like the rest of the world.
I never talk because it is just easier to fake happiness when I don't have to lie to people's faces about the things that I'm thinking or what I'm being forced to. I have also been a depressionist for a long time and I don't want to drag people down into the murky and painful waters of my darkness. I never talk because I know that no one truly cares what I have to say. I'm stupid but I do grasp some things. I don't talk because I've gotten so used to people making me repeat myself so many times when I don't want to speak anymore. I've gotten used to being so alone and trapped in a pitch black land where talking is useless. My words do nothing but make me ignored even more. Not talking keeps me from being looked at like even more of a freak. It also keeps me from having friends. Without friends keeps me from getting hurt more. Every friend I've ever had has ended up leaving me or hating me. I haven't had a friend stick with me since I was really little like everyone else I've ever seen. I kept friends longer when I hardly talked. Though, I've still lost them. And I feel as if I'm losing the only remaining ones more and more each day. I'm the last resort kid. I'm the one that everyone goes to when there's no one left. The one that they only talk to when everyone else is busy or won't talk to them. I'm the kid that causes the teacher to pick partners when it has to be a group project or I'm the one working alone. I'm the freak that sits alone during lunch and sits near the door of the classroom so that I can rush out of that horrid cell that chokes me. The one that's avoided by everyone and shoved or hit because no one sees me even when I'm right in front of them. I'm the frikin child that has been hated by her whole family forever. The one that has been suicidal since she was six years old. The freak that has come so close so many times to writing the letter and actually vaguely had something close to it in her last phone. The girl that tries to keep the bottom part of her hands hidden out of habit, because she used to bite her hands or stab herself with pencils just to feel pain and keep herself from crying. The one that fell asleep at night with tears on her face, because she couldn't bring herself to stay submerged in the pillow or keep her hands around her own neck or wrapped tight in the blanket covering her face or beneath the waters while her family watched. The monster of a human being that tried to kill her sister when she was little. I'm the child that hates faking to the parents that hate her. That doesn't believe in their god. I know there is something up there, but what they believe seems so wrong. But it's something that I've grown up with. It makes me so lost and confused and it hurts me knowing that I'm hurting them through not saying something. I hate living so much because I am doing nothing to help anyone. I'm just floating around feeling sorry for a life that so many others should have. I'm so useless and worthless. Yet I'm still the one living and it kills me knowing this. I should be dead and so many others should be alive. I should be the one starving and slowly dieing through a painful sickness. I hate who I am and all the things that I've done. I hate that I make this world worse. I hate this damn world in general but everything that the darkness brings me just makes it so much worse. I feel so sick of it all the time. So hurt and lost and confused and tired of it all. My only escape is music and the things I write and sometimes reading. I just wish it would leave me alone. That everything would just let me go. That way I can finally escape. So that I can get away from all the things that keep me a weak and horrible prisoner in their stupid grimy hands that I just wish I could break. So that I can finally do something good for this world.
