Of the 8 million people living in Sternbild, probably 92% of them had their televisions on at the moment. Out of that 92%, maybe 4.6 million of them were tuned in on the Mario Breakfast show. Perhaps a modest number in broadcasting standards, but only if they weren't counting on other social media outlets.
The news Mario was presenting that morning was sensational. People would be talking about it for weeks. He'd even thought of a clever tagline. Wild Tigress' Public Meltdown! It screamed from the screen below him in bold white letters as he smiled at the camera and crowed:
"Goooood morning, Sternbild! You're with me, Mario, your host for the Mario Breakfast Show! Hot news off the press: an unidentified bomber chose the wrong cruise ship when he threatened the security of Princess Anne and the lives of her 2,500 passenger and crew. Wild Tigress, the former dynamic half of the Tigress and Barnaby duo, happened to be on board, and she'd managed to diffuse the situation with the help of a male friend. But what was she doing there in the first place? This is where things get interesting, and you'll only get it fresh from me, Mario, your host! First, an exclusive footage our camera managed to capture after the incident."
A clip started to play, looking shaky and slightly blurred as if it was being shot on the fly, showing Tetsuko in the midst of screaming at Barnaby. He was in his suit with his visor up, looking equally pissed-off. He'd tried several times to get a word edgewise, but she wouldn't let him as she kept on lambasting him with an expletive-ridden rant.
"JUST WHO THE BEEP DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! It's not up to you to decide what I beep should and shouldn't do. I saw a beep beep dangerous situation, and I reacted, alright? What, you're beep angry now that I stole your beeping Hero moment? Get over yourself! You're nothing but a beepbeepbeeeep! YOU CAN JUST GO AHEAD AND BEEP YOURSELF!"
Mario reappeared, looking grossly concerned. "What just happened between Wild Tigress and our King of Heroes? If you can recall, there has been a considerable amount of speculation going on around them last year-"
Tetsuko shut the television off with a sigh. She'd saved lives and all they could talk about was her blowing her top. Why is it called 'public meltdown', anyway? If a man were to do it, they'd probably label it with a less degrading name.
She entered the bathroom, resuming her daily ritual of hunting and eradicating grey hair. She kept telling herself she should get a dye job and save herself all the trouble, but somehow after staring at the mirror, she'd managed to convince herself that her hair wasn't that bad. Then the whole vicious cycle begins again every morning.
Hmph, it's always a rotten affair everytime she quarreled with Bunny. That bastard could say the meanest things, and he didn't even have to work hard at it. Being unpleasant was his modus operandi.
Her rabbit came nosing around the door. Kaede kept reminding her that she should rabbit-proof her home, but she couldn't figure out what the hell that meant. "At least you'll never argue with me. That's a comfort," she said to it, eyes still fixed on the mirror.
Her cellphone pinged, causing her to miscalculate and pull the wrong hair. She cursed. It was a message from Ivan.
I'm sorry if I messed things up, Tetsuko-san.
Huh, poor kid. Caught in last night's crossfire. If she hadn't intervened, Bunny would've decimated him to pieces. She wasn't about to apologize to Bunny. Not in a million years. She'll just…wait till he'd come to his senses and then call her up.
If he'd ever call her up.
12 hours ago…
Tetsuko leaned against the railing, watching the lights dance over the water. The Princess Anne, a luxury cruiser meant to ferry people up and down the Eastern River, was moored at the quay. It was supposed to be one of Sternbild's tourist attraction. Dinner over the river, followed by entertainment and access to some of the most spectacular views of the city. Somewhere around midnight there was supposed to be a firework display of some sort. She looked at the bulky white and blue monstrosity, and hoped that she wouldn't get seasick. It's almost boarding time, yet so far she and Ivan were the only gokon participant who'd arrived.
A box of Pocky was proffered to her.
"Remind me again how exactly I got roped into a group date?" she said. She'd been prepared for a quiet night in, watching the latest dorama episode she'd been hooked on, then finally beginning her revision of the Hero Academy teaching syllabus. That plan went down the drain the minute Ivan's call came through.
The boy stared at the ground, clearly nervous from the way he gnawed on his lower lip. "Um, this is my first time, de gozaru. Another friend had cancelled at the last minute, and I'm not comfortable with meeting strangers on my own." He watched in dismay as she hijacked his entire box of Pocky and started wolfing down its contents. Looks like he'll never get it back at this rate.
"But you said you know them!"
"From an anime forum, de gozaru. I've chatted with them, but never actually see them in person."
"Oh, let me guess. You see somebody with a cute avatar and automatically think she's like that in real life, yes? Ivan…I can't tell you how many times people fall for that trick!"
"Ichigo-chan seemed like a nice girl, de gozaru. I've PMed her several times, and we have similar tastes. It was her idea to have a gokon. I think it wouldn't hurt to try it out, at least once, de gozaru."
"I really don't mean to rain on your parade here…but are you even sure that she's really a girl? 'She' could turn out to be a 40-year-old virgin with a weird fetish for used panties! Why can't you date girls you've actually met before? Like…like Pao Lin! She's a fun girl."
"Yes, she is, de gozaru. But…" Ivan paused, then muttered: "She tends to forget she's a girl sometimes."
"So you don't like tomboys. But I'll have you know she's getting into more girly stuff these days." Tetsuko shook her head, muttering: "Internet dating. Am I the only one who thinks that technology's making us dafter everyday?"
"I'm sorry if this bothers you, de gozaru. You can still leave if you want to," Ivan said in worried tones.
"And let you be molested by a group of hormonal teenage girls? I don't think so. I'm just here as a chaperone, you hear me? I'm keeping a close eye on you kids so that you won't do silly hanky-panky afterwards, like going to a love hotel, or fooling about in the bushes."
"There's a love hotel around here?"
"Yes," Tetsuko snapped. "But don't you go and Google it out. If you want to do it with a girl, you gotta make it as special as possible. Speaking of girls, I think that's your Ichigo-chan."
A girl with unnatural red hair was waving enthusiastically at them. She was heading a party of four. Tetsuko counted two boys and another girl. Great, so now there's an equal number of participants, just like how a gokon should be. But that didn't make her feel any better, because she really didn't want to be paired off with a geeky cherry-boy who's still living with his parents. The word 'cradle-snatcher' came to mind, and she hurriedly shoved it aside. She's just going to be friendly, rely on her rudimentary knowledge of the latest games and anime to get through the night, and hopefully the boys would be so put off by her big sister persona that they wouldn't even ask for her number.
"Sorry we're late! I misread the train schedule and got a bit lost on the way here!" said the girl. She spotted Tetsuko and smiled, extending her hand. "Hello, you must be Ivan's friend. He mentioned that he'd be bringing someone. I'm Ichigo. You can call me Ichigo-chan."
"Hello," said Tetsuko, shaking her hand. "I'm Tetsuko."
"Tetsuko. You seem kind of familiar. Don't shoot me, but I think I know you."
"She's the Wild Tigress," Ivan supplied.
A stunned silence followed. Ichigo-chan's eyes widened and she suddenly screamed. "Eeh? The Wild Tigress? You're really her? Does – does that mean that Barnaby is here too?" she asked, looking hopefully around.
"Um, no. Ahaha. It's just me and Ivan," Tetsuko said, groaning inwardly. Why was it that people always assumed they're joined at the hip? "I'm not on Hero business. I'm just here to watch over him-" she poked Ivan hard in the shoulder, "-and make sure he doesn't do anything pervy to scare away the girls."
"Ooh, looks like our chances are slim tonight, Nana," said Ichigo-chan to her girlfriend. "Tetsuko's gonna hog the boys all to herself."
Tetsuko laughed. "It's not going to be like that at all!"
The porter rang his bell and announced loudly: "All aboard! Princess Anne will set sail in five minutes!"
"Shall we?" said Ichigo-chan.
As they started to walk up the gangplank, Tetsuko yanked Ivan aside and hissed into his ear: "You just had to bring up the Wild Tigress part, don't you? This is supposed to be your night! I don't want them pestering me about Heroes or…him!"
"Who?"
Tetsuko surreptitiously looked around her, then whispered: "He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!"
Ivan's brow wrinkled. "Voldemort?"
Tetsuko closed her eyes, mentally shielding herself from the sheer stupidity of it all. If Voldemort were to join a gokon, it definitely wouldn't be to find a soulmate.
"Oh, just get up there!" she snapped. "Remember, in case of trouble, I'll be your backup. So quit worrying too much. You're making it obvious!"
She trailed after him, already feeling the sway of the water the minute she stepped onto the boat. Suddenly there was a tap on her shoulder. She turned and found herself looking at a gorilla-like face. He was part of Ichigo-chan's entourage.
"I knew I've seen you somewhere! You're really the Wild Tigress!" he said excitedly.
"Er. Yes?"
"You don't remember? Oliver McEnroy. We've met, two nights ago…at the bar where your daughter was playing. You blew me off."
Tetsuko's creaky wheels of recollection turned, and she said, "Ah, yes. Um, what're you doing here?"
"To participate in the gokon, of course! I didn't mention that I'm part of the anime chat group? Wow, I've a feeling that tonight's going to be my lucky night! It's ok, I know you're wary of strangers. But now that we've met for the second time, I think it's fate."
"Wait. I – I don't really see things that way-"
"Hey, can I ask you something? Hope it's not too personal."
"Am I going to like that question?"
Oliver leaned over, and said rather suggestively: "Are you Wild in everything?"
Tetsuko wondered if it was still possible to jump into the river and swim back to the shore. They'd seated themselves at a fancy restaurant on the deck, and she'd stated, rather emphatically, that Ivan should be the one sitting across her. There was another guy she was introduced to, a technophile who seemed to be more interested in his smartphone than the girls. She'd forgotten his name the minute they stopped shaking hands, and she doubted that she'd ever see him again after that night.
Something was bothering her, so she excused herself to the lady's room. Taking out her phone, she dialled Nathan's number.
"Hello hellooooo…."
"Nathan, remember that McEnroy guy you keep talking about?"
There was a sigh. "How can I ever forget my first love?"
"Is he by any chance an Oliver McEnroy?"
"Hm? How'd you know?"
"Sandy hair, around 6 foot-ish, face and body like a gorilla?"
"How could you say that? He's the sweetest, most-"
"I just met him. I'm at a gokon, and he's one of the prospective dates."
"Eh? So finally Ivan's asked you out to that thing. Is Barnaby there?" Nathan asked excitedly."
"Why on earth would he want to be part of a blind group date?" Tetsuko countered, annoyed. "Are you listening, Nathan? Your ex is here, and he's fishing for a new wife!"
"New wife?"
"He's divorced, with a kid. Didn't you keep tabs on him, after he left for his studies?"
"That was a really long time ago, Tets. We've lost contact ever since. Hey, maybe you can do me a favour and get his number!"
"He might get the wrong idea. He's already spending half the time having a conversation with my tits! I would've left if it weren't for the fact that Ivan would be all alone, and he's counting on me to get the girl that he likes."
"It can't be helped, then."
"Huh?"
"I'll call Handsome up and make him so jealous that he'll storm over there and whisk you away. Then my darling Oliver will be so brokenhearted that I'll be there to pick up the pieces and comfort him."
"How's he going to do that, huh? I'm in a boat, in the middle of the flipping Eastern River. If you look outside your office window, you could probably see me."
Nathan sighed. "Sure would be nice if I can talk to him now. How does he – how does he look like?"
"He's come a long way from his rugby days, I can tell you that. Packed on a few pounds here and there, but not too much. I don't know what he does exactly, but from the look of things, it's like a desk job. Sorry, but I have to go. Ivan's looking rather green, and I'm sure it's not because of seasickness."
"Hey, get his number!" Nathan squealed before he was cut off.
Tetsuko rejoined the party. Ichigo-chan was in the middle of talking about her job as a makeup counter artist.
"Every month there's, like, tons of free samples. I didn't have to – oh, welcome back, Tetsuko – spend a dime. And Nana here works for a famous fashion design house, and she sometimes brings home the most awesome stuff. Lucky thing we both have the same dress size. What about you, Tetsuko? Tell us about your job with Barnaby."
"Eh?" Tetsuko said, surprised at the sudden attention diverted towards her. "There's really nothing to tell, ahaha! We're really not that interesting. But Ivan here has a thing or two to say about himself, right?" she said, looking urgently at the boy and making a slight jerking motion towards Ichigo-chan with her head.
"Oh, come on…I'm sure you have tons of stuff to share!" said Ichigo-chan. "Don't hold back on us now. Is he still seeing that Melanie Thrask? Y'know, she said the meanest things about him once. Said that he's a lousy kisser and everything. She's probably jealous because he dumped her."
Tetsuko surprised even herself at her own reaction. She laughed.
"Huh? Did I say something wrong?" Ichigo-chan asked, confused.
"Sorry, I wasn't laughing at you," Tetsuko chuckled. "Am I even supposed to know who this Melanie Thrask is?"
"Meh, some half-rate lingerie model," said Ichigo-chan with a flippant wave of her hand. "I heard she only got her big break because she slept with some bigshot record producer. She'd denied it, of course. But their sex tape is still lying around somewhere, if you know where to look."
"What is it with people and sex tape these days, huh? Is it like some form of voyeurism?" Tetsuko mused. "Anyway, so…Ivan told me about this interesting anime he's been following. What was it, now? Ah, Chibi Chibi Kissu. Right, Ivan?"
"That one's not cute at all!" Ichigo-chan snorted. "The manga artist simply recycled some characters from his old work and claimed that they're new. I've already told Ivan I wouldn't watch that thing, even for free!"
"Eh? Is that so?"
"So, back to Barnaby-"
There was a resounding crash, followed by an earsplitting scream. Tetsuko was already halfway up from her seat, head darting around for signs of trouble. It was never a good thing everytime she heard that. Tableware clattered as diners swarmed towards the exit. That was when she saw him. A man in a trenchcoat, standing on a table in the middle of the restaurant.
"Huh, looks like someone's overloaded on beer again," commented Ichigo-chan. "What an idiot."
"EVERYONE DOWN ON THE FLOOR! I SEE ONE PERSON TRYING TO ESCAPE AND I'LL BLOW THIS GODDAMNED TUB UP!" The man twitched his coat aside, revealing bricks of C4 explosives strapped to his body.
Tetsuko groaned. Why was it that psychopaths always wear trenchcoats? Is there a secret club somewhere that makes the trenchcoat style compulsory? Ivan caught her eye, and he glanced meaningfully at his wristcom. She nodded.
First order of the day, she's got to distract the perp long enough for Ivan to call for help. She began to take a step forward-
-and kissed the floor as 230 pounds of rugby enthusiasm tackled her to the ground.
She tasted blood, and uttered an oath strong enough to shatter the world around them.
Barnaby scribbled into his daily planner, putting on the pretense that he was listening closely. The meeting had dragged on again, with the producer and director at odds on the choice of concepts. It was a commercial for a sports drink, for goodness' sake. Barnaby couldn't see how difficult it was to just pick an idea.
His wristcom buzzed. Casting an apologetic look at the people in the meeting room, he excused himself and stepped outside.
"Yes?" he said.
Ivan's voice filtered through, sounding very worried. "Barnaby-san! Thank goodness! You have to help us, de gozaru! We're on a boat, and a perp's taken over, threatening to kill us all if we escape! He's got bombs strapped all over him. He's already blown up the doors! We're over at the Eastern River, and if you hurry, you can-"
Barnaby sighed. He was seriously getting tired of this. "You're a Hero, aren't you? You do something for a change. I'll contact Bison and the rest, and-"
"No, you do not understand, de gozaru. Tetsuko-san's with me, and…and I think she's going to try to stop the perp."
"What?!"
Tetsuko coughed, shaking her head to stop the ringing in her ears. She felt as if an elephant was doing a trapeze act on top of her, and weakly tried to shoulder it off. McEnroy's face loomed anxiously over her. He was mouthing something she couldn't hear. She panicked.
"Eh?" she said.
"Are you alright?"
"Bloody get off me!"
McEnroy shifted, but still kept his hands on her. "He's rigged the door with explosives! I…I think somebody's dead."
"Not your usual rugby scrum, eh McEnroy? How're the girls?" Tetsuko looked at the mass of screaming Ichigo-chan and Nana. "They're fine," she added.
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU NOT TO RUN. STILL THINK I'M JOKING NOW?"
"Tetsuko-san!"
Ivan had crawled around the table to get to her. A bit of shrapnel had caught him in the face. "How bad is it?" she asked.
"Help's on the way," he said. "Um, what're we going to do?"
"You hide," said Tetsuko urgently. "And back me up when the time comes!"
"Are you sure about this? Maybe we should just-"
"THINGS ARE GOING MY WAY, OR I'LL TURN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU INTO FISH FOOD. SOMEONE GET ME A STRAIGHT LINE TO THE MAYOR, NOW!"
Tetsuko had heard this song so many times now. First the perp asks for someone from the authorities. And if negotiations fail, he'd probably start strapping people with C4's and start blowing them up just to prove his point. Well, she's cutting through the middle man right now.
She sat up on her heels, straightening out her clothes. Through the haze of smoke and plaster, she could just make out the perp's form.
"What're you doing?" McEnroy asked, trying to haul her back down.
She got to her feet, raising her arms as she said, very clearly: "You don't want to talk to the mayor."
The perp spun around. "Who said that?"
"Wild Tigress," she said, taking a cautious step forward. "The mayor gets confused very easily, and if you hit him up with too many demands, he'll get a headache. Why don't you talk to me instead?"
"Heh. Wild Tigress, here?" the perp said with a sneer. He looked at her up and down. "They say you've got no more Hundred Power. What're you gonna do now, huh? Claw at me?"
"Well, for starters, I'm going to lower my hands-" she said, doing so, "-and talk. Or rather, you talk, and I listen. First question: what's your name? I can't keep on labeling you as 'Anonymous Bomber'."
"I ain't gonna give you nothing! I'm talking to the mayor and nobody else."
"Okay, so 'Anonymous Bomber' it is, then. Kinda sad, isn't it? I mean, think of how tomorrow's headlines are going to sound like. Anonymous Bomber Terrorizes Boat. Doesn't exactly roll of the tongue. But if you have a cool name, now that's going to stick to people's heads longer."
The perp sniggered, and said to the room in general. "Would you listen to this idiot? Still thinks she's some bigshot Hero." He turned towards her with a snarl. "Back off, Wild Tigress. Or you'll be the first one I blow up."
"Before you do that, if I may…I'm a bit nervous now, and I've just the thing to calm myself down," she said, reaching slowly for her vest pocket.
"Hey, what're you-? Keep your hands where I can see them!"
Tetsuko produced a small box, and giving him an apologetic look, took out a slim, cylindrical thing from it. She put it between her lips, trying to affect a gritty cowboy persona as she took a deep breath and exhaled.
"Ahh…much better," she sighed.
The perp stared. Then started to chuckle uneasily. "Haha, you really are daft. That's a Pocky you're smoking."
"So?" said Tetsuko, unfazed. "People smoke bits of grass, and nobody's complaining. You want one? Here, catch."
There's just something about the word 'catch' that makes the hands react automatically. As the perp fumbled, a chair smashed over his back. Ivan appeared, glowing blue and wincing as he watched the man go down.
Tetsuko hauled the man up, and clocked him hard. His eyes rolled back into his head and he dropped to the ground, unconscious. Brushing off her hands, she looked at Ivan. "Alright?"
He nodded.
"Let's see if he's got any ID on him," she said, stooping down to turn the perp over. His pack of C4's rolled into view, along with the timer screen. It was glowing red, along with the number 10 counting down rapidly.
"Huh, that wasn't there before, de gozaru."
In the briefest moment of stunned silence, they both exchanged panicked looks before Tetsuko yelled: "Knife!"
Ivan tossed her a switchblade. She sliced through the layers of duct tape strapping the bomb to the man's body. She recalled seeing an entire chapter on this, inside the teaching manual, telling a Hero how to disarm a bomb. Oh, how she wished she'd read that part up now. Red or green wire, it didn't matter now, especially when all they've got were a couple of heartbeats away from death. Tossing the knife aside, she yanked the thing off him and scrambled towards the railing. 5 seconds to go now. Suddenly the river seemed too far away from her. If only she could make it…
4…
Oh, God…is she really going to die here, blown to smithereens while she was in the middle of gokon, and the last man to ever hold her was McEnroy?
3…
How she wished Bunny was here…
2…
She thought she heard a sonic boom, but it could only be her imagination. A streak of pink and blue flashed past, knocking her sideways. She staggered to the ground, suddenly finding her hands empty.
1…
Above her, the sky exploded.
Episode the next: The Kabunaby saga's heating up. Bunny and Tetsuko fighto! Will this be the end to the dynamic duo? Or will they be reunited in a passionate embrace? Plus…Tetsuko puts her head into the jaws of the beast as she asks for a favour from her in-laws.
