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Falling apart
Ana's POV:
The ICU was sterile and lifeless. We sat quietly next to each other watching our daughter's motionless body. The only noise to be heard was the rhythmic beep of the machines that monitored her breathing and heartbeat, alerting us if she code blued again. They had attached a second drip this time with a concentrated anti-biotic, trying to ward off the infection that was gripping her body. I don't know how long we have been sitting here silently time no longer became a factor.
"Mr Grey, there is a call for you, its Dr Trevelyan-Grey" said the nurse. I didn't want him to leave my side as I grabbed his hand. He leant down to me, "I will be right back". Christian was struggling to maintain his composure; I had broken down so many times today and was unsure if I could keep going. I watched my heart broken husband take the phone and put his hand on his head. I knew that if Phoebe died, it would have been my fault that I had been the support our children had wanted for them to attend camp, in help them devise the grade level plan to get Christian to say yes and then, even if it was indirect, I would have taken away his daughter.
Christian walked back and resumed his seat next to me, grabbing my hand. "Ted is with my parents and he is fine. They have told him that P had appendicitis but that's all. He is fine and Ryan is there with him." I nodded happily at the thought that he was ok, but I couldn't take my focus off Phoebe. "Taylor is also coming with some food, you need to eat, and you have to think of the baby"
I had almost forgotten of the little blip growing inside. At 14 weeks I was now showing and it was becoming obvious. I hadn't even told Phoebe that she was going to be a big sister and I wonder if she would ever know. An hour later Taylor and Gail turned up with several articles.
"I went into Phoebe's room and got her Disney princess blanket and doll. I thought she might like it when she wakes up", said Gail as she proceeded to lay the blanket down and the doll next to Phoebe. "Also I made you both some pasta". She passed me a bowl and a fork, but I couldn't even conceptualise the thought of eating.
"Eat some of it!" demanded Christian. He was getting angry. I ate a few mouth full's before stopping. I couldn't stomach it but wondered if I should keep eating to keep Christian from going nuclear.
At midnight the nurse returned and checked Phoebe vitals and replaced her IV bag. She gave us a sympathetic smile; I did a quick count and I determined that it had now been 16 hours since we had been first told of our daughter's condition. I felt fatigue taking over but I didn't want to sleep. I felt my eyes start to close and head drop as Christian held me.
"You should go home and get some sleep. I will get Taylor take you home. I will stay and let you know if anything happens", Christian said as his eyebrows narrowed. He wasn't asking me but rather ordering me
"I don't want to go. I can't" I pleaded.
"You need to sleep and you need to eat, there's no arguing on this one." Christian grizzled at me.
"No"
"Damn it Anastasia listen to me and do as I say. It's when people don't listen to me when this type of shit happens. You are pregnant and need to look after our child. I will stay here with Phoebe."
It was at this time that I got enough courage to ask the one question that had been playing in my mind. "Do you blame me for Phoebe being unwell?"
"What?" Christian asked as if he didn't know what I had said
"Do you blame me for Phoebe being unwell? Do you think it was my fault as I pushed for her to go to camp?"
Christian didn't answer me rather he looked confused and angry. Taylor entered the room and I started to walk out the door.
"Ana, do you realise why I try to protect everyone? Why I insist people obeying a set of rules? It is so I can make sure my family is ok, so I can monitor everything. I cannot handle lack of control. There are no more camps and such" He said while trying to prevent tears streaming down his face.
"I am going to go and see Ted. Taylor can take me to Grace and Carrick's house and I can sleep there" I looked down, and then left the room.
Christian's POV:
I can't feel parts of my body. I feel numb and alone. I am struggling to gain control in a situation I can do nothing. No matter what I have achieved, gained and am able to provide nothing I can do will help Phoebe right now. I have to sit and wait. At least I finally convinced Ana to go and get some sleep, but know I will have to struggle to get her to eat. I can't have the life of my unborn child endangered; I feel that I have already failed Phoebe.
I hold her hand and it's cool, so much so that I place another blanket over her and hold her hand in an effort to warm her up. I flash back to when I was 4 and my mother laid on the floor dying. There was nothing I could do for her and sit there, I use to hold her hand and try to warm it up but it wouldn't help.
I was at the mercy of time and waiting to see if my daughter was strong enough to fight this infection. Her system had already taken major hits today. I watch the heart monitor religiously, watching to ensure her heart doesn't stop and she doesn't code blue again. I looked at Phoebe's innocent face and wondered what she was dreaming if she could even in her state.
The nurse then entered and changed her IV bag and checked her vitals. She looked at me and sad, "You know sometimes talking to them helps. Keeps their mind going", and then left the room.
"Want to hear your favourite story? How about the story of your birth? It was a really warm day in summer and we were awaiting your arrival. You were to be born in two days via a planned caesarean. We were all out by the pool and Teddy and I were swimming. Your mom was on a pool chair and had fallen asleep. Then she felt a sharp pain and yelled out, you had decided that it was time to come. We rushed your mom to the hospital while Gail and Sophie looked after brother. He wanted to come and play with you as soon as you were born. Everyone loved you so much already, especially mommy and me. You were very eager to come into the world in the beginning but you just couldn't get out, so you mom was taken into the theatre and they delivered you there. You had the most perfect skin and brown hair. When we held you in our arms you we knew that we had been given the most perfect little girl in the world. We got to bring you home after 6 days and you were not a very good sleeper at all. You kept waking up every hour and then you demanded to be cradled constantly. But we didn't care, because holding you in our arms was one of the greatest joys ever." I could feel tears building up and I couldn't maintain my composure anymore. I placed my head on her bed and sobbed like I did when my mother died when I was 4. I was powerless and I felt like I was dying a thousand times.
It was daylight the next time I opened my eyes. I had fallen asleep crying with my head on Phoebe bed, I felt a hand on my shoulder and it was my mom.
"Why don't you go and have a shower or something, I can stay with Phoebe". Her voice was feeble, regardless of how long she practiced medicine she hadn't ever seen one of her grandchildren like this.
"I can't go. I send Ana away and promised I would stay with her". My poor Ana I had done little to help ease her guilt last night. The honest truth was that I felt guilty too, I had promised Phoebe when she was born I would always protect her and make sure she never felt any pain. I know it was an unrealistic promise, but she was so perfect.
"Ana is coming in soon. She fell asleep in bed your old be with Teddy"
"What does Teddy know exactly?" I asked wondering which would be the best course of action.
"He knows she is in hospital and about her appendicitis. He knows she is very sick. I think he will know soon considering that he is at our house and you and Ana being at the hospital so much."
"I want to wait and see how Phoebe goes before we tell him much more". I looked at her begging for her to tell me things were going to be alright, however I never got the reassurance that I wanted.
Grace's POV:
As a doctor I have seen it all, and after all these years I thought nothing could shock me, but the sight of my eight year old granddaughter in that hospital bed, being monitored and with no guarantee of survival was enough to make me walk out of her room to regain my self-control. I walked in and touched Christian's shoulder.
He had been crying and looked terrible. "Why don't you go and have a shower or something, I can stay with Phoebe". I pleaded with him but of course he refused to go and worse of all he was facing guilt and remorse on two fronts. As we talked about Teddy I went over and looked at Phoebe chart. She had suffered infection which was treatable but it was the seizure and code blueing that was a concern. This would mean a CT scan and an MRI. I must have looked concerned on my face as Christian looked at me, looking for assurances that Phoebe would be ok, and I knew that was something I couldn't give. Damn it I really wanted to but I couldn't. I then did the only thing I could do and that was to put my arms around my son.
Ana's POV
I arrive at the hospital in the morning after dropping Teddy at Kate and Elliot's house. They will keep him busy and Ava is there also. I have had some sleep and ate a bit of breakfast but I need to get back to Phoebe and Christian. I walk in at the same time as the doctor to find Grace and Christian there. As soon as Christian sees me he stands up and put his arms around me. I break down and sob.
"Excuse me Mr and Mrs Grey? We are going to take Phoebe for a CT scan and MRI scan. You can come with us if you like?" said the doctor.
We both shake our heads. We don't want to leave her, just in case she wakes up.
"Actually Christian you should have a shower and something to eat. You always at other people to eat and you should take some of your own medicine. There are some fresh clothes there in that bag for you. Ana and I will go with Phoebe". Grace said almost barking at Christian. I had never seen her be so straight forward and strong with him.
I kissed Christian and whispered, 'It's ok I will tell you everything. Can you have a shower and then get me something to eat with you. I am getting very hungry being pregnant". I knew that was the right thing to say, Christian's eyes widened and his need to protect me and his unborn child took over.
"Let me know what is happening! Promise?" Christian asked.
"I will"
Reviews are very much welcomed.. So should Phoebe die?
