Chapter Nine. Then.
What we put into every moment is all we have… - Gilda Radner
I panicked when I heard his voice and told myself to keep walking. I was scared. I was so scared that the person I had kept in my heart all those years wouldn't be there, that I would turn around and see a stranger. I didn't want to face that. I wasn't sure I could face that.
I stayed. I knew I would. I wasn't going to run away from another moment in my life, even one that might hurt me. I couldn't walk away, not again.
When I turned around and looked into those green eyes, those damn green eyes, I knew. I knew who was standing in front of me. I knew him. At that moment, I felt my heart open up to something I never thought I could feel again, one thing that only Edward could bring me - joy, absolute and complete joy. I found myself whispering, "Thank you." I didn't know who I whispered to or who I was thanking, but those two words never had more meaning.
I looked at him, touching his face to convince myself it was real, that he was real. I saw the same fear, the same questions I had mirrored in his eyes and whispered his name, hoping he would hear what was in my heart. When he put his arms around me, I felt like I was home. Words were not necessary. I didn't think about what it all meant. I didn't want the past or the future; I just wanted that moment. Just being next to him was enough. Without even thinking about it, I kissed him on the cheek, took him by the hand and led him into the sunshine. I wanted to be with him, somewhere, anywhere, and know him again.
I saw the boy I knew and began to know the man he'd become on that day. And what a man he was. Edward would always be the most beautiful person I would ever know, but it wasn't his looks that made him who he was. It was the way he had about him - his confidence, his dedication, his kindness. It was the way he looked at me and listened to me - the intensity of it, like he just found the universe's greatest treasure.
When I looked at Edward, I didn't see any glimpse or reminder of pain or heartbreak; I just saw the best of him. I didn't look ahead, and I didn't look back. I was completely present in the day, in the moment. There were no sad memories, regrets or even cancer. There was just Edward and sunshine and laughter. I was grateful. I knew I would not have allowed myself to do that a year before, even a month before. The cancer was already changing me, changing my life. It made that day possible. It made many things possible.
We talked about everything - school, our jobs, our lives, cancer. We took advantage of the beautiful day and went to all our favorite places in Seattle. He laughed when I ordered lunch in that quirky way of mine. He said he actually missed it, that going out to eat with someone normal wasn't quite so interesting. My mind immediately went to who he took out, and I was surprised by the twinge of jealousy I felt.
Alice called while we were at lunch to let me know she was in town and wanted to get together as soon as possible. I told her I was with Edward and laughed because she was left completely speechless for probably the first time in her life. Once she composed herself, she went into high speed planning mode and decided we all needed a celebration dinner. She said she would take care of everything, including getting my parents there, and would text me the where and when.
When I called my parents to let them know what was going on, I really, really wanted my mom to answer because of the whole Charlie/Edward thing. As usual, though, fate likes to fuck with me, and Dad answered.
"Hey, Bells. Your mom and I were just wondering where you were. That pre-op thing took this long? How did it go?"
"The pre-op went fine and no, it didn't take this long. I ran into someone, an old friend, and we've been catching up. We're eating lunch now."
Yes, I was kind of a chicken shit about mentioning the someone I was with was Edward.
"That's great, Bells. Who is it? Someone from college? Or Forks?"
I took a deep breath and thought, "Here we go."
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it is someone from Forks."
"Really? Who?"
"Uh, well, yeah, it's Edward, Dad. I ran into Edward at the hospital."
"Cullen? Edward Cullen?"
"That would be correct, Dad."
Silence.
More silence.
"Dad?"
"Yeah, I'm here, Bells. Well, that's just… it's so... super."
The sarcasm was dripping out my phone.
And then he was off.
"I hope he's treating you right. Did he make you cry? Tell me the truth. You know I'll take care of that little jerk, right? If that kid said one thing to..."
I cut him off.
"Dad, stop. We've had a perfectly wonderful day, and I was thrilled to see him. So knock it off. Please."
It was time to play the cancer card again.
"Damn it, Dad, we went through this the other night, remember? It will upset me if there's any tension between you two, and it's really not a good time for me to be upset. "
He actually groaned at the thought of having to be polite to Edward.
"Okay, okay. I won't do anything, unless he gives me a reason, of course."
He laughed at the thought.
"Not funny, Charlie. I'm counting on you to behave yourself because Alice is putting together a reunion dinner tonight. She's going to be calling you, and I wanted to let you know."
"Dinner. With Edward. Super."
"I'm hanging up now, Dad. Tell Mom what's going on. I love you. See you later. And remember what I said, okay?"
Edward looked at me for a minute and ran his hand through his hair a couple of times. I loved that he still did that.
"Wow, I'm really looking forward to this fucking dinner."
I started laughing. I couldn't help it. He looked like a scared teenager.
"Well, you did say going out to eat hasn't been so interesting, didn't you? At least this dinner won't be boring."
He rolled his eyes and started laughing. It was a good moment.
I saw the pain in Edward's eyes every time he looked at me and knew he was thinking about what happened to us, what he did. I left it alone until he brought it up later and told me he wanted to apologize, to explain things. I let him apologize because I thought that was what he needed. Maybe I should have let him finish, but I couldn't. I saw the weight of regret he carried all those years and knew we could never go forward – whatever forward meant – until we closed the door on that time. I realized he needed something more than time to apologize to do that. He needed something he would never ask for, something that could only come from me.
That something was forgiveness. It was not hard to give. I had forgiven him and let go of the pain and anger before that day. I wasn't excusing him – he knew that – and it was my choice to go beyond that one moment, that one mistake. He was worth it. It was that simple.
Those two words were so significant to him, to us, and we held onto each other and cried. We cried for many reasons – the pain, the regret, the days we lost. I think we also cried because they were finally over, those eight years of wondering "What if?" When he smiled, kind of a peaceful smile, and said thank you, I heard another door opening. We didn't talk about the future or that open door, though. It was obvious we were happy to be together again, but it was also obvious we were both too overwhelmed to be able to think straight. I knew I still felt the same pull when I was with Edward, but the reality was I still had cancer and was facing an unknown future at the end of that magical day. It was just about all I could handle, and I didn't have anything to give but friendship at that point. I think Edward knew that, and thankfully, he didn't ask for more.
Walking into the restaurant and seeing our families waiting for us was like déjà vu. It felt familiar, comfortable and right.
I looked around the table and smiled. Edward was deep in conversation with my mom. Jasper and Carlisle were talking about Jasper's job. My dad and Emmett were talking sports. Esme had her arm around Alice while she talked to Rose. Everyone together - it truly was a sight to behold. I thought about how crazy life could be and how many events and circumstances had to fall into place for that evening, that day, to happen. Edward looked at me and smiled, and I knew the same thoughts had been running through his mind. I threw him a kiss and laughed. I decided the evening called for something special, something memorable, and I ordered champagne for everyone.
I raised my glass.
"I've never made a toast, and I'm not sure what to say except what is in my heart. You are the people I have loved the most in my life. Being here with you, all of you, fills me with endless joy and amazement and makes me feel like I'm the luckiest person in the world. So, here's to my family, the Swans and the Cullens, together again, right where we should be."
I looked around, and everyone had tears in their eyes, even Charlie. I hesitated for a moment. Crying and almost unable to talk, I added one more thing as I looked at Edward.
"And to fate, love and magical moments… because I think I can believe in those things again."
Thank you for reading! xoxoxo
