Chapter 9: What did I ever come here for?

My heart was aching for home

'At least you have someone who loves you. But you're too stupid or scared or both to hold on,' Sam said without missing a beat.

'Lauren?'

Disgusted, Sam snorted and simply left. Or, at least, tried to leave, because after a moment of hesitation Dean followed him up the stairs and outside. The warm glow of the alcohol didn't really help against the cold. It immediately clawed at him. Bit at every inch of exposed skin, making Dean gasp in shock.

'Wait,' he forced out, furiously rubbing his arms. Sam spun around, face twisted in fury.

'No. I've been waiting for the better part of three years for you to come to your senses and you know what? Fuck this. I'm done.'

'He left me in Purgatory,' Dean protested. He shook his head while offering it up, because, really? It had been a weak excuse to begin with and it got less credible every time he used it. Sam proceeded to make a spluttering noise which consisted of equal parts outrage and saliva.

'Goddamn it, Dean! Will you please cut it with the bullshit? That's not why. You guys have been playing the most ridiculous game of chicken for as long as I can remember and that is just your latest excuse to swerve.'

He knows me so well, Dean thought. Okay, he resolved, I'm going to do it. Like a bandage.

'I just... I just want him,' Dean said. 'I wanted him even while I was having him.'

The truth, at last. Sam – God bless him – looked relieved. None of the other emotions that Dean had imagined his brother might display appeared on Sam's face for even a second.

'Now, was that so hard?' Sam asked. Dean snickered. Yes and no.

'Can we go back inside? I'm freezing my ass off out here.'

There was no more beer after that. There were words. A whole lotta words that explained what they both already knew, but Dean needed to say them anyway. And then, Sam floated the crazy theory that Castiel's corporeality might have something to do with how much Dean believes in him.

'Cas is not Tinker Bell. He doesn't wink out of existence just 'cause I'm not thinking about him,' Dean laughed. He didn't add, because that would be never. Sam shrugged.

'Just sayin'. Weirder stuff has happened. Where's Lauren?'

'She's gone to stay with her parents until she finds an apartment. She had an abortion.'

'Oh, Dean. I'm sorry.'

'It's no big deal.'

'Right.'

A little of the old sarcasm had crept back into Sam's voice, but Dean ignored it for the time being. He had gotten pretty good at ignoring things over the last few years. He did what he had to do to get by. His mind managed. If he couldn't forget, then he could at least ignore. He couldn't loosen his grip on the past, though. Where his mind succeeded, his body failed.

His bones missed Castiel. As far as his body was concerned they were still making love. They had never stopped.

(***)

Several days later.

They had made an appointment. They'd set a date. They had arranged to meet again, but Castiel didn't know why he chose to honour their agreement. It made no sense. Knowing as he did what Dean really thought of him, what he really thought of Dean. But he couldn't stay away. He was so tired of being away. He couldn't fight it. Instead, he fought Dean.

'Hi, Cas.'

'I thought you'd ask me to stay.'

The conversation immediately ground to a halt. Dean looked exactly the way Castiel had expected him to look. As if the music had stopped. As if his chair had been snatched away. Slightly off kilter. Castiel smiled. He smiled when he was angry now.

'That's easy,' Dean responded, after a lengthy silence. It wasn't a 'I have no problem asking you to stay' answer. It was a 'You want me to do all the work' accusation.

'It wasn't actually,' Castiel replied. Even saying that he'd expected Dean to ask him to stay wasn't easy, because it was tantamount to admitting that he wanted to stay. That in turn opened Castiel up to rejection.

'Yeah, it was. You could have told me that you wanted to stay.'

'I did.'

'Like hell you did!'

'I did here,' Castiel snapped, pointing at his heart.

'Well, I can't read your fucking mind. I can only interpret what you do and what you did was leave me in Purgatory!' Dean raged. Castiel glared and hoped that his eyes said fuck you, Dean as clearly as any words would have done.

'Why do you only ever talk about what I did to you? What about what you did to me? I remember the way you made love to me. Like I was all you would ever want. Just because you've changed your mind...'

Castiel's rant was interrupted by Dean's mouth against his.

'I didn't change my mind.'