The Republic consisted of more sentient species than I could ever count. This ambassador Vrook spoke of was one such species that I couldn't Identify... a small, furry creature that was nothing like I expected. The majority of aliens that made up the Republic Senate were either humanoid or so strange that twi-leks seemed 'normal.' This creature was about the size of gizka and didn't look like an intelligent being at all. S/he was cute, but I couldn't let myself stare.

S/he didn't appreciate me as much because I was just like the majority of the bipedal species that made up the Republic. A little 'bunny-cat' didn't appreciate the presence of giants like we appreciated small animals of which we could hold and stroke. I knew better than to treat him in such a way; his bodyguards would not have allowed me near.

I had walked halfway through the tunnel to leave the Council Chamber when s/he came through the door on the other side. I did what I haven't done in years... step aside for a non-force user. I've yielded to more powerful individuals because they were obviously not intimidated by me. Everyone else refused to get in my way because that's it was natural to get out of a sith's way rather than risk being disrespectful. Republic ambassadors didn't do that for some reason and I knew not to assume otherwise.

The ambassador seemed less afraid than his bodyguards as he galloped by and the two humans kept their eyes on me uncomfortably hoping that they weren't expected to stand up against a jedi in their own temple. Even after I had passed them in the hallway, they kept watching me.

After I reached the door on the other side of the chamber, I expected the liberty to let go of my emotional control, away from prying eyes. I wasn't that glad to see Trevelyan waiting for me outside. Likely, he only used the 'escorting the ambassador' excuse so it appeared that he just happened to be there after I left the Council Chamber. Instead of making it explicit that he wanted to be there for me, he wanted to be in my path so that I could not ignore his presence... it was a defensive move that I understood very well. Whether you confronted an enemy or a friend, it was best to let them make the first move so that you could read their psychology and adjust to them.

I knew that he was just concerned and didn't want to ask me anything directly, but I wasn't going to be played like that again. I looked directly at him, but walked passed without a word. He didn't appreciate being ignored. "What's wrong?" He grabbed my shoulder just firm enough to silently order me to stop. "What happened?!" He said with some concern and frustration.

After that, I just stood still and didn't turn around. "I thought that you didn't want to have to manage me anymore. You have your own problems to deal with... don't worry about me."

He pulled me completely around by the shoulder and seemed to take my words as though I had admitted defeat. "What did they declare? Don't tell me they rejected you again!"

I fought the urge to hold onto a false hope, but I held myself together to keep his in tact. "They didn't make their final verdict. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I feel that I have a right to know. I didn't get any bad impressions from Vrook, so I want to know why you assume the worst."

I stared at him for a while and decided that he was more important to save than I, so I declined his help to keep his fate autonomous from mine. "Stop trying to protect me. You've committed more for me than I ever deserved and I can't escape what I've done... what I chose to do. I'm not going to hide in your shadow any longer."

"You're not hiding..."

"Then what the hell are you doing?! Ever since you entered my life, you've detracted me of all responsibility... I can't do that anymore and neither can you!" I pleaded.

He was very saddened to hear me admit that I've become dependent on him ever since we met. All that I ever did that resembled a jedi was speak like one. I have not once had to prove that I was willing to stand up for the responsibilities of my actions. He had to leave me to my fate... for my own sake.

After nearly two hours of preparing for my impending exile, Trevelyan came by my quarters. Since I didn't answer the Council when they called me for their final verdict, they contacted him instead. Although he wanted to be with me for the time during their deliberations, I wanted to get drunk more than anything else. The stress of the last few days was just too great for me to handle without alcohol.

After all that I've been through, I was not concerned anymore with the consequences that would come. The temple had a few bottles in store for its guests, so I just stole a bottle of black ale and didn't bother with a glass. It was inevitable that I would hit the floor and not rise again.

When I woke up, I was still drowned and almost completely incoherent as he leaned over me. I didn't remember inviting anyone, but he had become more concerned the more I smiled at him drunkenly. "D'you know that Master Uthar said that I was the most exciting woman he's ever known? I think that's the reason he made me his apprentice... no one would have rolled around in bed with him willingly. He was so pompous."

"I guess you were right when you said I was foolish to try and save you. The moment I leave you alone, you get so slobbering drunk...!"

I lifted my head to make eye contact. "It didn't matter anymore. I tried to be what you wanted, but they wouldn't let me... they hate me..."

He held his hand behind the back of my head. "They don't hate you..."

I shouted. "They hate me! They wanted me to lash out so they could kill me... they wanted me dead, but couldn't execute me, so they wanted me to strike at them first." I smiled drunkenly and proudly. "And I wouldn't!"

"That's right, you didn't. That's because you knew it was what you needed to do in order to return. You restrained yourself as I knew you could."

"And it was all for nothing. I'm sorry, but I'm not as strong as you think." I paused for a moment. "I don't want to go through all that again. It's over."

He kept his eyes on me as though not shaken by any of that. "It's not over. The choice to go on has been yours ever since I acted on your behalf. When the Council came to their final judgment, I told them that if they didn't find you worthy, that I no longer wanted to be a jedi."

I didn't like where that was going.

"I threw my lightsaber on the floor in front of them and told them that I wouldn't take it back until they accepted you."

I closed my eyes and let my head hit the floor. After another sigh of exhaustion, I whispered back. "Still trying to protect me... even when I say not to. You're a better jedi than I could ever be. I hate you... I hate how great you are... both as a sith and as a jedi. Nothing I've ever done has measured up to what you do as easily as breathing does to me."

"You're drunk. I should just let you rest and I'll come back later. I'll carry you to the bed."

"No. I'm telling you truth. You don't think... you just act for what you believe is right. The Council can't stand how you set the standard that much higher for them. You are the reason why I came back... I owed it to you. Every time you sacrificed for me, I knew I had to be willing to give that much more in return. I don't want any more escapes."

He put his hand behind my head again to make me acknowledge something. "The Council talk about becoming a jedi like it's a desirable life... you've sacrificed everything to come here. You have the discipline and the commitment... now it's time for you to learn peace." He smiled joyously. "If you want to repay me, then become a great jedi. Be the best damn jedi there ever was."

I couldn't help but wonder if he believed that it was possible that I could surpass him as a jedi. He didn't say 'best I could become,' but 'ever.' If I could have, I would have done anything he asked, but there was only so much I could give. I could never provide what he just asked, but I was so drunk that I promised exactly that. From that moment on, I had committed myself to a promise that I had no intent to break, but knew I could never fulfill. It seemed the most appropriate way to repay my debt to him, but that was likely to never happen because I could not imagine ever surpassing him... his dedication to the jedi seemed to go beyond insanity.

--

It was only a matter of time before the intoxicants wore off. He waited with me in my quarters as he waited to hear from the Council that they would not risk losing one as important as him simply because they didn't want to retrain me. He said that I couldn't possibly have been dismissed again because they couldn't possibly have considered me too corrupted to risk losing the loyalty of the former Dark Lord. I guess that I was alright with that.

While I still had alcohol flowing through my system, he and I talked about some matters that I had never considered talking about. I was surprised how selfish I was to drop all my life's problems upon him that I never heard spoke about his. Despite a lifetime of false memories, I wanted to know about how he came to be the person he was through that life.

He seemed flattered, but surprised that I asked. "Why would you like to know about my... past? Anything I could tell you never really happened."

I smiled at him. "They're real to you. I'd like to know how you came to be the man you are." I rested my head upon my wrists almost like a child would at story time. "Come on. I told you almost everything of me. I'd like to know about where you came from."

He chuckled and grinned before sitting on the chair next to me. "What have I to gain by it?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "If you wanted to, you could give in to your animal instincts. I don't think you've ever been intimate with another, have you?"

He looked at me in shock, then understood that I was joking and we both laughed out loud. "How'd you come to that assumption?"

I stared at him as if we both knew why, but I said it anyway. "You're memories were created by the Council. Could you see any of them...?"

We both let out another burst of intense laughter. "Yeah. I guess that I'm a virgin. That might not have applied to Revan, but I wouldn't know."

I rubbed his shoulders and around his neck. "I know that you're not above that. If you want to, I'd be happy to..."

"No!" He said with no hesitation.

I pulled myself away in embarrassment. "It's not like there is anything wrong with it. It's not really that important or forbidden when you get down to it. It's just a pleasant sensation that is only harmful if the other is coerced."

He was seriously tempted, but still refused to do what he wanted. "Maybe. But I wouldn't do it under the circumstances. I don't want to needlessly do something foolish that would have lasting consequences."

I shook my head as if to clear it of the thought. I was not thinking straight and it was not his way to just give in to his instincts. Maybe I was just more drunk than I realized. "I'm sorry, I guess that my mind is maladjusted."

"Perhaps. I just want to try and get through this as smoothly as possible. Despite how it may seem, I don't push the Council unless they leave me no other choice. Although they're going to be stuck with you, you'll have to keep yourself in check and avoid giving the Council a reason to turn you away again. Your former life as a sith... that's over and you will have a chance to start over without having that held against your future."

I couldn't help but smile at hearing such great news. "Well whenever I slip away, I'll have you there to stop me. That's something you seem to do very well."

He returned a very stern expression. "No. Once you've allowed back into the Order, you'll have to abide to the conditions in which all jedi in training must follow. If you are committed, I will be there when you're in trouble; otherwise, you will have to do whatever the Council demands."

I was not expecting anything so... against what had been going on in the past few days. Ever since this began, Trevelyan had been defying the wishes of the Council. To hear him tell me to obey their wishes was a bit difficult to believe, myself. "And what if they're wrong?"

He seemed to recognize that I asked a question with a difficult answer. "Sometimes, the greatest victory is a battle not fought, but don't get into fights you're not likely to win. I stood against the Council only because I knew they were wrong... I wouldn't have been much of a friend or Jedi if I let them exile you when I knew there was something I could have done to prevent it. If you go out and do something to provoke them, then you'll be on your own."

My head felt much clearer than it was before. It had been about five hours since I downed that bottle of black ale and the intoxicants have mostly worn off. I was still weak, but in a much better mental state than before. "You know, I did ask about you and you never told me where you came from or what your life was like before the Jedi." He and I had been facing each other, me sitting on my bed and he in the chair next to the table. "Were you raised on a world like Nar Shadaa, One of the Core Worlds, or was your life just as common as it could be?" I hunched over as if to gesture that I was listening to what he had to say.

He looked at me with great sadness and leaned his head towards the floor. "If you wish to know... I was born and raised on Coronet. I was from an upper class family who could provide a comfortable lifestyle. Throughout my childhood, I was unique... not special, but different from others of my age."

"Describe your parents."

He nodded. "Both were intelligent people. They sacrificed much for me and my sister. I respected my father in almost every way... he didn't have a hard life, but he lived every day and taught me many of life's most important lessons. My sister was much like him, but she was very selfish... I hated her for that. I was much like my mother. She and I were very smart, but we both had many bad habits and frequently had to follow my father's example." He paused for a moment. "At some point... I don't know when... I came to realize that I wasn't as significant to society as I once came to believe. After that, I couldn't remain content to be just average... I wanted to be greater than myself and I knew that the only way I could was to use every opportunity I had for study and force myself to become my own worst critic."

"How'd you come to joining the Republic fleet?"

He smiled. "I used to love war and weapons and the technology behind it all. As I got older, I came to realize that behind all the war, glory, and..." He sighed in disgust. "I was stupid to ever think in such a way, but I came to see that joining the military seemed the best way to force myself to become someone I could respect. I was qualified to become an officer and I felt I owed it to myself to do what it took to reach my fullest potential. I fought in the Mandalorian wars and was decorated for my courage 15 times."

"Wow."

He shook his head. "The battles didn't really happen. The Council likely deposited several memories in order to train me before I ever stepped into the Academy."

We stared at each other for a long moment. "How exactly is the Council going to accept me? Are they going to call me when they make their final verdict or what?"

"I don't know. I was expecting that you and I would have been in front of the Council and that after they made their verdict, I would grandstand. I thought that throwing my lightsaber on the floor and saying that if you were not worthy, than neither was I... well it didn't work out that way."

"Then what should I do? Are they going to call me before them or is their decision already in effect?"

"I don't know. I think that if we just wait, they will call you when it's official."

I stared into Trevelyan's eyes for a long moment before realizing just how many times I owed my life to him. It was strange to me how another could care so much for me. Although strange, Trevelyan was not the first to make me feel like my life meant something. With all that has been going on in the last few days, memories of which I tried so hard to forget began to resurface.

It had been years since I had long forgotten the kindness of my former master, Alfred Kolchak. It seemed odd that I would have such reservations about remembering times before I became a sith, but happy memories were often tainted by the sense of loss. I knew that he was still alive and well, but I did not know if I would have wanted to start training with him again or if he would accept me back after what I've done.

I knew I was a coward, but I was not brave enough to face him and ask for his forgiveness. I did not want it from him and knew the only way to keep it that way was to either give him another reason to hate me, something that I didn't want to do again, or never give him the opportunity to forgive me. It was a terrible thing to receive forgiveness because it made me feel inferior to the one offering it. Although I was, it didn't mean that I wanted to keep reminding myself of it. I hurt him not just once, but many times... I did not want to do so again.

After letting my mind wander, Trevelyan brought me back to the moment. "I'm sorry, but I need to be leaving soon. I have an obligation that I need to keep and you seem to be alright now."

I nodded subtly as I accepted that I must have inconvenienced him greatly with my drunkenness. "Go now. Go and save the Galaxy however you choose."

Trevelyan smirked at the remark and stood up to leave. "Don't you start that as well."

"Start what?"

"Telling me that I can save the Galaxy. Although you meant it like a joke, I don't want to keep hearing my name, 'galaxy,' and 'save' in the same sentence. I am not Revan and I don't want everyone expecting nothing less than for me to save all life. Isn't that a bit unreasonable to demand so much from a single person?" He walked to the doorway and stopped just after stepping into the hallway.

I followed him to say one last thing. "I wasn't serious, but you do have the power to bring about change on a massive scale. You can do much if you wanted to."

He stared as though acknowledging what was just said, but realizing the difficulties that come with such expectations. There was no denying that Revan had an enormous impact on the Galaxy, so Trevelyan's potential was at least as great as his former self. I believe he was more concerned with the idea that he would forever be in the shadow of his former self unless he found a means to undo everything that Revan had set in motion. To escape that shadow, he had to surpass Revan.

In that moment, I saw something that seemed to torment him far greater than my past tormented me. I know exactly what I did as a sith and understood how I came to be the person that I was. Trevelyan likely had no idea what brought Revan to become the Dark Lord, but he knew that it happened once. Unlike me, he was left with only a clear outcome and a vague idea of how it happened in the first place. I knew how I became a sith and I knew how to keep it from happening again, but Trevelyan had no idea what could have caused him to become something so vile and no idea if there was anything he could do to stop history from repeating itself.

He nodded and smiled. "I'll do my best. That's about all we can do." Then he stepped out of the doorway and it sealed itself behind him. The level of technological advance was clearly apparent by simply having an automatic door when a manual door on a hinge would be much more logical. Considering how Jedi try to stay away from advances in society, such as keeping traditional robes and architecture, they seem to upgrade the simplest, and often most unimportant, things like doors and comm. systems.

I was left alone again, but somehow, things didn't seem as terrible as I dreaded. I felt safe for the first time in a long number of years because I knew that I had someone to turn to when I was struggling. There was never a time since the sith or on Sleheyron when I ever felt it was safe to have friends again. Omeesh went through slaves so fast that it was folly for me to get acquainted only to watch them break down or die.

Since then, I had shielded myself from others to assure that I would not suffer from losing loved ones ever again. Even on Dantooine, I never got close to anyone and was content to be ignored. The Sith... the reason was obvious. Now, after all that's happened, I think I had finally realized that being alone was a worse fate. If there is nothing or no one worth losing, then what did I have other than myself? In the end, my fear of loss was what drove me to the sith, but only because I had nothing worth losing to begin with. Perhaps I can start off my new life right this time.