9
Manhood Intervention
"Belle, sweetie, come on…we'll take you home," Mary Margaret and Ruby offered. Ruby considered shedding her red protective garments and going on a manhunt only this time it was to skin them alive, not strip them naked. Mary Margaret was ready to go home and retrieve her bow so that she could get in a little target practice, starting with her husband. There was no doubt in her mind he was involved in this little stunt and couldn't believe he would do such a thing to an expecting mother knowing the stress it would cause.
"Jealous, the lot of them," sniffed a former baroness. "I always knew that Rumple was a sexy one despite having that curse on him and looks like I was right. We'll get him back honey and those morons are going to regret they tried to deprive us of a REAL man."
"That husband of mine is going to be sleeping outside when I get hold of him!" threatened Mrs. Muffet.
"T...thank you..." Belle sniffled. "I...I just don't want them to do anything to hurt him...in his condition...I..I mean..he's not having the baby but...he's still..."
"We know."
Granny was sitting at the counter scribbling something. She handed it to Belle. It was a note.
Return Rumplestiltskin immediately or you're going to learn the meaning of the words payback is a bitch...quickly
The Furious Women of Storybrooke
"Mama, don't worry. Sheriff Swan's gonna run the license plate through her database and we'll find out where they took him and have Major track 'em down and I'm gonna kick somebody's ass! 'Cause nobody kidnaps my papa and gets away with it." Bae said heatedly.
Major barked in agreement.
"Even if it was a joke, it's not funny," Granny said angrily.
"Oh Bae...right now I would let you kick ass...since I can't and god knows I want to!"
"I'll show them a joke!" Bae growled. "Only THEY won't be laughing."
Bae hugged her. "Then I'll give 'em one from you, how's that? Right, Maj?"
His mother smiled.
The shepherd erupted in a volley of barks.
"Bae..give him something of your father's so he can follow the scent."
Bae pulled a tie out of his pocket. Rumple had given it to him before going into the salon, saying it was too hot to wear it. "Major," he called to the dog, holding out the tie. The shepherd sniffed it and whined. "Search!" he ordered. "Find Papa, Major!"
Major immediately put his nose to the pavement and ran over to where he'd last smelled Rumple, being dragged into the car. He began barking and whining.
"Be careful..." Belle pleaded. She knew the men wouldn't hurt their dog but she was afraid of him getting hit like poor Toto.
Major whimpered and barked.
"He's got the scent, Mama," Bae said, as the dog strained at the leash.
"Good...Find him, boy!"
Major watched for cars and when the coast was clear, pulled Bae down the road, tracking Rumple's scent through the air, as he'd been trained to do.
Several women smiled wickedly, intending to follow so that they could put a hurting of their own on the men.
Henry Mills who was walking out of the pizza shop was shocked when he saw what looked like an angry mob of women following Mr. Gold's police dog.
Bae jogged beside the police dog, murmuring, "Hell, boy, there ain't too many places they can hide in this town."
"What's going on, Bae?" he asked, catching up with the other boy.
"Some jackasses kidnapped my papa and are holdin' him for ransom or something like that," Bae told him angrily. "So Major and I are gonna rescue him and these ladies are gonna help take 'em down, cause most of the idiots are their husbands. They left my mama a note and said they weren't gonna return him until he was behaving normally. They made my mom cry!"
"Can I help?"
"Sure. You got a bungee cord anywhere? I need one in case I gotta climb somewhere."
"Yeah! I got one for my tree outside my window for when I used to sneak out to see Emma!"
"I got a hit on the car!" Emma yelled as she joined them.
"Cool! Can you get it for me?"
"Sure, Bae."
Bae pumped his fist in the air.
Major slowed when they came to a red light, sitting and waiting until it turned green. Bae petted him. "Good boy, green means go. Though I don't know how you know that."
Though the other women insisted she go home and rest, Belle didn't want to. She wouldn't be able to rest until her husband was at home where he belonged.
One of the women "borrowed" a wheelchair from the medical supply shop and put Belle in it.
Archie was going for a walk with Pongo when he spotted the mob and his mouth dropped open. "Ladies, what's going on?"
"Payback!" screamed Mrs Muffet.
"Yeah..no one tries to deprive us of a real man and gets away with it!"
"You got a choice boy...you're either with us...or THEM!" Granny warned.
"Dr. Hopper...they've kidnapped my husband...because they don't like that he's going through all this with me...being so wonderful about it all.."
"He's a REAL man!" Mary Margaret shouted.
Archie didn't know what the hell they were talking about, but he knew one thing-nobody messed with a bunch of angry women. It would be like walking into a cage of hungry lionesses with a steak around his neck.
"They-they kidnapped Mr. Gold?" he sputtered. "That's awful! Of course I'll help. There's nothing wrong with a husband being supportive and . . . and concerned and all when his wife's expecting! Nothing at all!"
"He's with us!" the baroness cried. "Let's get them!"
Henry raced back to Regina's house to retrieve the bungee cord. She was having one of her "meetings" and wouldn't be home until later on in the evening.
"Uh, Belle? WHO kidnapped him?" Archie asked.
"That asshole boyfriend of mine, my father and God knows who else...the 'Concerned Men of Storybrooke' they call themselves," Emma answered.
"Well we are the Furious Women of Storybrooke and here comes Operation Hell's Fury!" Mary Margaret proclaimed.
Emma smiled. Her son would be so proud.
Archie grinned. "I like the sound of that!"
Pongo barked and pulled him up to walk beside his friend Major and Bae.
One of the women made copies of Granny's demand, sticking it on every pole and post in the town and several windows.
Major paused and sniffed the ground when they came to an intersection. He was very focused and didn't even acknowledge Pongo. He cast back and forth for a few moments before deciding to go and make a left hand turn.
Belle caressed her abdomen lovingly. "Don't you worry baby...Bae and Major are going to find Papa and bring him home...and some heads will roll."
Page~*~*~*~Break
The sack was pulled off his head and Rumple found himself sitting at one of the tables in the Rabbit Hole. He scowled with disgust.
"Now," Jeff spoke up, the others standing behind him still in their ski masks. They didn't dare take them off, fearing Rumple's wrath.
"The way I see it, you need a bit of a reminder that you're NOT a woman but the biggest hard ass in all the realms."
"Hatter, what is the meaning of this charade?" the sorcerer demanded coldly. "Release me immediately and let me go home before I lose my temper."
"Long as we got the squid ink on you, you can't go anywhere."
"And you're not," said one of the men. "Until you get over this shit!"
Rumple eyed him furiously. "Then make sure you have a lot of it, dearie . . .because it wears off. And when it does . . .like my son always says, I'm going to kick ass and take names."
"Oh we do have lots of it because we're ready to spend all night...even days if we have to til we get your head on straight and your balls back in your pants."
Rumple goggled. "My balls . . . you stupid asshole . . .this is about my Couvade syndrome, isn't it? You think . . .idiots . . .I'm having symptoms because I'm BONDED to Belle . . .not because I'm turning into a woman, you imbeciles!"
"Lesson number one: YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. MEN DO NOT GET PREGNANT."
"I KNOW that, you prick! I never said I was! You don't understand a damned thing about what I've got!"
"Yeah so quit the puking shit."
"What—you think I like puking my guts up every morning? Like hell! I can't help it."
"Lesson number two: no bawlassing in public and over crazy stuff."
"In fact...no bawlassing..EVER!" spoke up Mr. Muffett.
"Oh, so all of a sudden I'm not allowed to show sympathy for a friend's loss? You're pathetic! And Homer, I've seen you bawling 'cause your team lost a game! How about that?"
"That's because it was a team. Men can cry over MAN things...not woman things."
Rumple rolled his eyes. "Well, excuse me for being a human being, Neanderthal!"
"Ummm. He kinda had a point on the last one, Jeff," David spoke up.
"Oh yeah...well Lesson number three: We DO NOT get our nails done! What's next? Makeup?"
"Unbelievable! I got a manicure, my nails were trimmed and buffed, it's not like I painted them, for crying out loud! Look!"
"You don't see any of us doing that!" yelled a masked Leroy.
Others nodded in agreement.
"Furthermore, people need to learn how to mind their own damn business! What I do is my business and nobody else's! Get it through your fat heads!" Gold growled. "Now you've upset Belle with your bullshit!"
"You're making us all look bad!" complained another.
"Well, you should feel bad! Kidnapping me? Whose dumbass idea was that? Yours, Nolan?"
"Probably just showing off like he always does," grumbled another.
"Nevermind whose idea it was," said Jeff. "Next lesson. We do not go to baby showers or cook like Martha Stewart."
"You're just jealous I CAN cook something edible and don't need to get my meals out of a box, Hatter!"
"He got you there, Jeff."
"You gonna take that, Hatter?"
Jeff grinned. "I see we're going to have to do this the hard way."
Rumple's eyes narrowed. "Anything you do to me, Hatter, I'll do back . . .threefold."
"You think. Put him in the car, boys...we're goin' to the Foxtrot!"
Several men hooted.
"Foxtrot! That's a strip joint!" Rumple cried. "You crazy?" He struggled to move, but the squid ink was still holding.
"Nope. Now you get the works."
"When I get free . .. you're gonna get the works from ME!" Rumple blustered, wishing there were a spell to negate squid ink.
"If he doesn't do anything when Electra gets on his lap, may as well be dead down there."
"I'd like to hear you tell your wife that, Homer!" snapped Rumple."And you can all expect an increase in your rent!"
"Once we're done with you, you're gonna stick to the biggest lesson...we keep each other's secrets. Right boys?"
"Right!"
"Help me God! It's like dealing with a bunch of teenagers on a football team . . . and it's why I never liked football to begin with!" Rumple muttered.
They were all convinced what he needed was a good time away from the wife or girlfriend like they all did once in a while and able to relive their bachelor days.
The sack was thrown over his head again and they dragged him back out to the car.
Rumple was furious . . . not the least because he knew this was causing Belle untold anxiety . . . and he didn't want her upset . . . it was bad for the baby.
They gave him another dose of the ink as soon as the other wore off.
The frustrated sorcerer gritted his teeth. The sack over his head smelled like stale beer and was making him nauseous.
Somewhere in all of it, the men had forgotten that they should have followed Rumple's advice and minded their own business but their jealousy was causing them all to forget common sense.
They heard groaning. "Aww, man pull over..he's gonna heave!"
"He's faking."
"Ummm...I don't think so..."
Rumple gulped . . .dammit . . .I will not puke all over myself . . .I'll wait . . .
"Cut the act Rumple, not buying it," Jeff taunted.
"I'm serious, man-pull the fuck over before he nails us!"
Rumple made a moaning noise, afraid to open his mouth just then.
"I am not getting puked on, Jeff, for the love of God...PULL OVER!"
Rumple was counting in his head, fighting not to vomit, and it took all of his concentration to do so.
"Still got ten more minutes, boys."
"You ass. He heaves you're fucking cleaning us up!"
"Aww quit bitching back there...he's faking it!"
But after an almost superhuman effort, Rumple lost the battle with his stomach. But he made sure to lean sideways before he vomited . . .and it all landed on the men sitting beside him.
"Jesus H. Christ, Hatter...I told you to PULL THE FUCK OVER...oh shit...he's not done!"
"Asshole . . . take the sack off me . . ." hissed the sorcerer, as the smell made his stomach heave again. Bile spattered the seat next.
David rolled down the front passenger window, fighting the urge to puke himself. One of the men ripped the sack off.
"You stupid dicks . . . I couldn't BREATHE!" Rumple gasped.
"Hatter, you stupid fuck. NOW will you stop the fucking car!"
Jeff slammed on the brakes and brought the car to a stop in front of the fire station.
The men in the backseat helped Rumple out and made him sit down on the sidewalk. Jeff grabbed a hose and sprayed all of them.
"Great, fucktard! Now we're all soaked!" snapped Rumple. "I hope all of you get pneumonia!"
Then Jeff turned the hose on the backseat.
"Ahh..you'll be hot enough once we get to the Foxtrot...IN!"
"The lights are all on but nobody's home upstairs!" Rumple coughed. He was shivering and wet and miserable.
"Least once we get there the girls'll give us some dry clothes!"
"You know . . . what your problem is? You're jealous . . .that your women are HAPPY to find a man who actually isn't afraid to admit he has feelings . . . and it scares you all spitless!" sneered the pawnbroker.
When they got to the Foxtrot the owner was waiting for them.
"What the hell happened to you guys?" Mr. Fox asked, ignoring the angry sorcerer. "And you're late."
"Well if that stupid shit had pulled over like we asked him to, we wouldn't have been puked on. You got some dry clothes or what?"
"Yeah...go on in and the girls will fix you up."
Rumple's lip curled. He detested wearing anybody's cast offs . . . God knew where they'd been. But he was freezing in his soaking wet shirt and pants. Cowards! The whole lot of them! he thought mockingly.
Miss Blue spotted a group of men walking into the club, one of them being Rumplestiltskin and dashed into her dressing room
She hated moonlighting at the awful joint but she'd been behind on her rent one too many times and needed the extra money.
Several girls, barely clothed sauntered toward them. "Well...looks like you all could use some warming up."
The woman named Electra, a brunette with a skimpy golden Greek costume, took Rumple's hand. "Been looking forward to seeing you in here for a long time, hot stuff."
"Really, dearie?" he sneezed.
'"Ummm...hmmm...but would've been nice if you had those amazing leather pants you wore back home...fit your ass real good."
"I'm flattered . . .you want to see me in them? Then let's make a deal . . .get me out of here . . . and I'll conjure some up . . ." Gold said with a sly grin.
Belle would kill him if she heard what just came out of his mouth . . . but he was desperate to get home . . .and he'd only wear them for her . .. not turn tricks in them.
"Kinda hard to do with that on you, sweetie," she said, pointing at the ink stain on his shoulder.
Not even the water had taken it off.
"Lectra...quit pissing around! Got a show to do!"
"Shut up! Conducting business here!" she yelled back.
He sighed. "Now, yes. But later . . ."
"Mmm...maybe we don't have to wait til later..I'm sure one of the guys has a pair you can borrow."
The bouncers wore them as part of their uniforms.
Damn! He hadn't thought of that.
She led the soaking wet sorcerer down the hall just as Miss Blue came out of her dressing room.
"Oh my God!" she cried in horror. "Mr Gold...ahh...I...errr...that is..."
"Miss Blue!" he exclaimed, taking in her costume. "You . . . work . . . here . . .?"
"Ummm...yeah..."
"In the gods name . . . why? You're a teacher . . ."
"We call her Aqua Mystique," Electra grinned.
"Well...ummm...this place pays more in a night than I can make in two days..."
"Tips, sweetie...tips," Electra supplied. "Now go back in your little hidey hole, Aqua and let me take care of this tasty morsel!"
"Dearie, I'm not your morsel," Rumple protested. "I'm here under duress." He jerked his head at the ink stain. "No offense . . . but I'm happily married and my wife's expecting. This was . . . a joke that got out of hand . . . played by some idiots with all muscles, no brains, and no idea of how furious their wives and girls are going to be once they figure out what went down . .. "
"No sweat, babe...I got you covered." She took out her cellphone. "Helloooooo...honey...you'll never guess who I have here with me."
"RUMPLE!" Belle's voice screamed through the speaker.
"Belle, calm down...he's okay...but you owe me big time for this one!"
"Let me talk to him..please!" Belle begged.
"Belle . . . sweetheart, I'm fine . . . just a little . . . frozen at the moment . . ."
"Oh god...what happened?"
"Squid ink, dearie. I'm like a damn cardboard stiff here," Rumple sighed.
"We're coming to get you...just sit tight...I love you..."
"Love you too . . . and don't worry . . .I don't want you getting all worked up . . .because if anything happens to you or the baby . . . I'm killing all these ignoramuses . . ."
"I'm all right. You're safe with Marie. She'll keep those other tarts away."
"Oh yeah, Belle...now what if I want to cop a feel on that sweet ass of his?"
Belle laughed. "Remind her you're mine, will you please?"
"Hands off the merchandise, dearie. No touching. Only one person's allowed to touch my ass, dearie, and it's the one who's carrying my child."
Marie snorted. "Just like ALL princesses, she gets the hot ones while the ladies in waiting get the frogs."
"Oh there are a few grooms back in my village who would have been happy to show off their muscles for you," Rumple smirked. "And they have an even sweeter ass than I do . . . all that riding, you know . . ."
"Yeah well I don't seem 'em here and Belle...you reeeeallly owe me for this! "
"I know..I'll tell you what...if Rum agrees you get to see him in leather pants."
"Way ahead of ya, Belle."
"I was going to make a deal with her for that, dearie . . ."
"So keep it and wait for the cavalry, sweetheart."
"Always, Belle." He blew her a kiss through the phone.
Marie hung up. "Ahh...here we go. Monty's about your size."
"ELECTRA QUIT STALLING AND GET HIM DOWN HERE FOR THE SHOW!"
"Shit!" she grumbled.
Rumple cocked an eyebrow. "It'll take longer than a minute to put them on, dearie . . . since I can't help . . ."
She smiled. "Be happy to do that. After all...who do you think got Belle into all those damned corsets?"
"But it could cost you your job . . ."
"Electra...two minutes!" bawled her boss.
"Asshole...he wants a show I'll give him one. How good can you dance, baby?"
"With this leg . . .not well anymore . . .but once upon a time . . . I could waltz you out of your shoes."
"Guess I'll just have to lap dance you a bit. But play along good...Belle would want you to."
He arched an eyebrow. "You naughty wench! Trying to get me in trouble?"
"You wanna ask permission?" she handed the phone back. "Go ahead."
"No . . .you would never make that claim unless she said so . . . All right . . .get me into something dry . . ."
She changed him into a blue silk shirt and leather pants.
"You see...me and Belle, we've done stuff like this before...covering for each other with her dad."she explained. "Don't get me wrong I love Maurice and he gave me a home when I didn't have one but he was so strict at times."
"You were his fosterling?"
"Yeah. Then this goddam curse hit and I ended up here instead of dancing in the ballet like I wanted to...can't now anyway." She pulled up her pant leg to reveal a long scar. "Car wreck...wrecked my leg just enough that I can't dance now."
"I could heal it . . ."
"You would?"
"Yes. I'm no longer the Dark One."
"Hold that thought...we got a show to put on."
"Lead the way, dearie."
The men were impressed seeing Rumple looking somewhat like his old self.
Marie gently pushed him down into a chair.
"Wooo hooo...c'mon Electra!"
Rumple gave her a smirk. "Do it, dearie."
"Play my song, Mickey!"
The DJ turned on the stereo and Billy Idol's Rock The Cradle of Love came on.
Marie hopped onto his lap and carded her fingers through his hair, wriggling around provocatively.
"Doing good," she whispered.
The men were cheering and pounding their bottles of beer on the table.
"If that don't get a rise outta him, he is dead down there!"
"Push 'em in his face Electra!"
It took everything she had not to laugh. She pulled his head down between her breasts.
She heard him chuckle. "Not bad, dearie."
"Yep...cost me a fortune to have these done..."
"Was there something wrong with the old ones?" he teased, wondering if he should just close his eyes and think of Belle.
"Too small...so everybody thought."
She stroked his leg with her foot.
He made a purring noise in his throat, like a happy kitten.
"Keep goin Electra...he's breaking!" Jeff crowed.
"Those idiots have nooooo idea..."
"No they don't. Shall we trick them?"
"What do you say we take things up a notch?"
She started unbuttoning his shirt.
"Holy sheeeeiiittt!"
Rumple made his eyes go smoky . . . and imagined being back in his bedroom with Belle . . .and she was unbuttoning his shirt . . .
"Goddmmit, now I want some of that!"
"That's it..." Marie encouraged. "Think of Belle..."
"How's it feel, dearie . . . to unbutton the Dark One?" he cooed, loud enough so they could hear him.
"Whooooo yeah...the BAD ASS IS BACK!"
"Very nice.." Marie murmured, trailing her finger down his chest.
"A little bit lower now . . ." Rumple sang, using his sexiest voice, the one Belle said melted her.
"With pleasure..."
"We are SOOO dead if she finds out..." cried one of the guys.
Her hands trailed down his abdomen . . . then he growled like a beast, a low rumble that reverberated through his chest.
"Now..when you get home...you take that wife of yours to bed ...You still can...right?"
"Belle's expecting, my girl . . . of course I can . . . and then some . . ." he laughed.
"I didn't mean it like that...her mum...wasn't in the mood once she found out she was expecting...And...that's how I got here."
"She's not that far along yet . . . so we can enjoy ourselves still . . . and do . . ." His eyes widened. "You're . . . Maurice's . . ."
"Yeah...I haven't told Belle...it would break her heart...he doesn't know either."
"She would never judge you," he said softly. "Look what she married."
"You think so?"
"I know it . . .family is everything . . .to her . . . and to me."
Marie hadn't meant for her secret to come out but she felt comfortable talking to him.
"Okay...big finish..you ready?"
"Bring it, babydoll!" he yelled.
She grabbed his hair and brought his lips down on hers.
Beer bottles clinked together as the men celebrated their success.
"Mmmm..heemm ..." Rumple said, giggling into her mouth as he kissed her. His brown eyes twinkled with mischief. Fooled you good, assholes!
"Oh gods..." Marie moaned when their lips parted. "If all men kissed like that..."
As they drew apart, Marie giving his behind a playful pinch, two young boys and their German shepherd were peering up at the side of the building.
"Whoa!" Henry cried.
"Maybe you oughta stay here," Bae said. "This place . . . it ain't for kids . . ." He uncoiled the bungee cord and prepared to throw it up to the second story window, since the others were shut tight and had no visible locks he could pick.
"But I wanna help. You said I could!"
Bae sighed. "Henry . . . I got my ass grounded for spiking your grape juice at your party . . .your mama would roast me over a fire if I let you go in there . . ." He thought fast. "Look . . . you take Major and show the ladies where we are . .. we kinda lost them for a bit . . .okay? And I'll climb in the window and find Papa."
"Got it!" Henry cried and ran off with Major.
Bae breathed a sigh of relief. At least he wouldn't be dead meat for letting eleven years olds see things like this. He tossed the hooked end of the cord up . . . and snagged it easily on the ledge.
He tugged it back, it caught and after a quick hard jerk to make sure it was set, he climbed up, quickly and easily, like a cat.
A brief stint with his picks . . . which he always carried in his shoe, and the window was open.
"I'd say this calls for a toast!" Jeff was saying.
"To the Men of Storybrooke...we RULE!"
You think, Marie thought, winking at Rumple when they weren't looking.
Rumple winked back.
"He' s ours again boys! Job well done!"
Bae balanced on the sill and flipped the cord inside, and then began to climb down the wall. The men below were all drinking and yelling and several half naked girls were dancing around the stage and inbetween the tables.
Bae would have looked a bit closer, but he was looking for his father, and he reached the end of the cord and jumped down to the ground, half-hidden behind a curtain.
Outside the women were yelling."They got him in the strip joint! C'mon girls...haul ass!"
"Papa!" Bae cried as soon as he saw him. Then he stalked out from behind the curtain and pointed a finger at Jeff and said, "Man, you are so BUSTED!"
"Calvary's coming..." Marie whispered.
"What the hell! Baelfire!" Jeff cried.
"We're dead!" David moaned.
Marie giggled. "They are gonna be pissing themselves now.."
"Let him go!" Bae growled. He twirled the bungee cord around his head like a bolo. "Or else I'm gonna kamikaze your ass!"
"Kid, watch where you're swinging that," one of the men cried.
"You watch it, mister! Before I shove it up where the sun don't shine!" Bae threatened.
"He's one of us again now, Bae. We had to do it. Even you thought he was nuts." Jeff defended.
Bae glared at him. "Nobody kidnaps my papa! Jackass! You made my mama cry!" He flicked the bungee cord out . . . and snagged Jeff's hat. "You want this back? Then you let him go! Deal or no deal?"
"He doesn't have to deal for anything," they heard Belle say from the doorway when they wheeled her in.
"Aww shit!" one of the men groaned.
"Your asses are GRASS and we're the lawnmowers!" Emma yelled
"HOMER!" screamed Mrs. Muffett. "You're a disgrace to society you . . . you . . .bastard!"
"He's OURS now and you can't have him back!"
"That's what you think!" Marie declared.
"What...?"
"You've been had gentlemen...he's OURS!" Belle shouted.
Jeff gulped and gave Emma sheepish grin . . ."Uh . . . hi . . .Emma . . .!"
"Hi...HI is that all you have to say?"
"Umm . . .sorry?" he gave her his best I'm-cute-so-won't-you-forgive-me-smile.
Mrs. Muffet stalked over to her husband. "You . . .dumbass! Whaddya mean, kidnapping Mr. Gold? I shoulda listened to my daddy years ago . . .he was right, you wasn't worth a lick and when it comes to brains you got the short end of the stick!" She started beating him about the head with her purse.
Mary Margaret shot an arrow at her retreating husband's form.
"Oww!" he yelped, clutching his backside. "Snow . . . you shot me!"
"You deserved it!"
"This really hurts!"
"Oh, quit complaining, you big baby! That doesn't hurt half as much as when I was in labor!" Mary Margaret growled.
"You're sleeping outside, buster!" yelled Mrs. Muffett as she chased her husband around a table.
"As for you Hatter, you are sleeping in a jail cell!"
"But . . . but . . . Emma . . .it was a joke . . .you're not serious!" he pleaded.
"You kidnapped my husband!"
Bae smirked. "Want it back so you can make a quick getaway?" he taunted. "NOT!" the he tossed Jeff's hat to Emma.
"So we could make a man outta him again!" Jeff protested. Then he yelped as Emma snapped cuffs on him. "Hey, baby, can't we talk about this?"
"Sure. Through the bars down at the station. Shall I read you your rights?"
Rumple could feel the ink starting to fade and he tipped his head back and said, "I'm still a man, Hatter . . . only now I'm little wiser . . . and more compassionate . . . and I see things from a different angle. That doesn't make me less of a man . . .it makes me more."
"Yeah! Tell 'em, Rumple!" yelled a woman.
"And here's my first lesson-it's not all about you in a relationship-it's about both of you . . .so treat her like she means something, or else you won't have her long!"
"And a lot of you won't!" shouted another.
"Lesson number two-follow the three C's for a happy relationship-compromise, compassion, and commitment." he continued.
He could now wriggle his fingers and he clenched his teeth at the pins and needles.
"Lesson number three-love what a person is, not what you want her to be."
"Right on!" cheered another lady.
"Are ya listening, Homer?" Mrs. Muffet yelled. "Or do I hafta beat some sense into your other ear?"
Her husband cringed. "Please, love muffin . . .I'm gonna go deaf . . ."
Belle couldn't have been more proud.
The ink wore off entirely. And Rumple was free. He stood up and glared at his would be kidnappers. "Last lesson, dearies. Never kidnap a sorcerer." His eyes glittered gold and magical power shivered through the air.
"Better pray fellas!" Emma laughed.
"Rumple...darling...you can't...you'll exhaust yourself..." Belle advised.
"Ahh . . ." he hissed. "And I really wanted escargot tonight." He grinned evilly.
She stood up. "You can have me instead..." she whispered. "I see you had Marie unbutton you...makes my job easier..."
He wrapped his arms about her. "I'll take that any night." Then he turned to the men again. "Don't think you're getting off easy . . .because you have your wives and girlfriends to deal with . . . and unless you take my advice . . .you'll be living in the garage a long time."
To prove his point all the women were glaring daggers and pitchforks at their menfolk.
"Take your husband to bed, Belle. He's earned it." Marie said.
"I still owe you one.."
"Not now...if your husband follows through on his promise."
"Come see me tomorrow, dearie. By then I'll be rested . . . and able to examine the damage and see what I can do. It might require a potion and a spell."
"As long as it doesn't wear you down..."
"Now do you see why I love him?"
"Absolutely."
"Rumple...let's go home.."
Bae was staring at some of the dancers with interest. "Whoa! Those are some serious-hey!" he yelped as Rumple covered his eyes. "Papa, I just wanted-!"
"Baelfire Gold!" Belle cried.
"YDNTK, Bae!" snapped his father.
"Huh? What the hell's that mean?"
"You don't need to know!"
"Awww . . . yes, sir." Then he allowed Rumple to steer him out the door of the strip club.
Marie wanted them leave with a smile. Someday she hoped to find a man who would love her as much as Rumple loved her sister.
Rumple wondered how many cases for separation and divorce he'd be seeing in the next few weeks.
They found Henry, Archie, and Major waiting outside.
"Thanks, Henry. You were a great help," Bae said, and handed him back the bungee cord. "Couldn't have done it without you, kid."
Henry beamed. "Really? Awesome!"
Major ran up and jumped on Rumple, breaking his training to lick his alpha under the chin, his tail wagging and making soft "talking" sounds in his throat.
"Okay, okay, dearie! You found me," Rumple chuckled, petting the dog. "Now down, boy! Before you make me need that wheelchair."
Major got down, but pressed close to Rumple's side, panting happily. Mission accomplished.
"He brought me right to you, Papa," Bae said proudly. "He's the best dog ever!"
Rumple caressed the pricked ears. "That he is, Bae. Now I'm tired. Let's go home."
Ruby pulled up in Gold's Cadillac. "Everybody in for Gold's limo service!"
"Ruby! How'd you get my keys?" Rumple sputtered as he climbed in the backseat along with Belle and Bae, letting Major ride shotgun, his preferred spot.
"She didn't, Papa. I hotwired it," Bae admitted.
"Baelfire!" Rumple cried.
"Mama said I could!"
"Just this once. For a good cause," Belle interceded.
"All right. Just this once," Rumple agreed. Then he put an arm around Belle and kissed her breathless.
Bae cast his eyes heavenward. "Dear Lord, is it rabbit season again?"
Behind the wheel, Ruby cracked up. "And people say I'M bad?" Then she muttered. "I need one of my own!"
"Well you can't have mine. I don't share." Belle murmured.
"Darn! Rumple, you got a twin brother nobody knows about?"
"No..he's one of a kind."
"Can you clone yourself?"
Belle laughed. "I am loving every minute of this. I have the best man in the town and now they all know it."
Ruby made a face. "It's so unfair!"
"Remake Victor, Ruby," suggested her friend.
"That'd take a miracle."
"Miracles, happen, dearie. Once in awhile," Rumple chuckled.
Bae made a gagging noise.
Their child and the deep love they shared was proof enough of it.
Now if they could just work on their son...
"Our shopping trip is going to be a family one," she said. "Since our boy has a dance...and a date!"
"No . . . no way! Mama . . .please! I was gonna just throw on something in my closet!"
"WHAT?" his parents exclaimed.
Then he smirked. "Gotcha!"
"Smartass!"
Belle swatted at him.
He gave her puppydog eyes. "Don't you love me anymore?"
"When you don't drive us crazy!"
"But Mama . . . I'm supposed to drive you crazy. I'm a teenager. It's my job!"
"And you do it too well." she giggled.
"Just like your father...only in a different way.."
She laid her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, taking a little nap.
"Okay everyone..home sweet home!' Ruby announced.
Bae jumped out and let Major out. The shepherd ran around the lawn like a crazy animal, barking happily.
"Better wake your wife...Romeo!" Ruby teased
Rumple did, in his traditional manner-with a kiss.
Belle's eyes fluttered open. "The best part to waking up...is a sexy beast."
"You said it, dearie. Rrrowrr!"
"Now take me to bed..."
"As you wish," he said affably, and he put an arm around her, and grabbed his cane from the floor.
As he got out, Ruby stared after him and pouted. "I gotta get me some of that." Then she flashed them a grin and walked back down the street, heading back to the diner.
Seeing his parents giving each other heated looks Bae decided he'd best stay outside a while.
He shook a stick and had Major come and try and take it from him, ending up getting knocked down by the over enthusiastic dog and rolling on the ground with him.
"Who's a good boy? Huh?" he giggled as Major washed his face.
Belle snapped a picture with her phone.
The shepherd triumphantly grabbed the stick and paraded around the lawn with it.
Laughing, Bae jumped up and chased him.
His parents agreed bringing the lonely police dog home had been one of the best decisions Rumple ever made.
The couple watched the boy and the dog frolic together for a few more minutes, smiling as Major ran circles around Bae, occasionally jumping up to lick his face.
Neither one of them wanted to think about how devastated they would be if they lost Major like Mrs. Gulch lost her beloved Toto.
It was like losing a family member.
Bae flopped down on the grass and Major came and lay down next to him, with his head in the boy's lap.
Belle snapped another picture.
Rumple smiled. "That's a great shot of them, Belle. A boy and his dog. The perfect combination."
"These are the moments that make me wish we hadn't lost all those years together..."
"I know . . . but look at it this way . . . now we appreciate every moment we have . . .and perhaps it was meant to be that way . . .so we learned to value what we have today . . . because it could be taken from us tomorrow."
"Always so wise..." she murmured.
She could still recall their last day in the Dark Castle . . .
All of them knew they couldn't stop the curse from coming and it shattered their hearts.
"Why does it have to be their child to break the curse...why can't we?" she asked through her tears.
"I don't know," he whispered, hugging her. "My Sight only shows me . . .partial things . . . but that much I know beyond a doubt. No curse lasts forever, and someday the savior shall free us all." He gestured and a large leather bound book appeared in his hand. "And with this compendium of stories . . .at least one of us will always remember what has gone before . . . and who we are." He waved a hand and the Once Upon a Time book vanished. At her curious look he said, "I've sent it on ahead, dearie, to reappear to the one who will have the Heart of the Truest Believer."
"I don't want to let you go..."
"And I don't want to let you go. You are my flicker of light in an ocean of darkness. You and Bae . . . you anchor me to my humanity . . ."
"Papa...what's going to happen to us? We're not gonna be a family now...are we?" a frightened Bae asked.
"No, Bae..." Belle said hoarsely. "Separating us...is her happy ending!"
Rumple hugged his son in his other arm. "But even if we're separated . . . no curse lasts forever . . . and in twenty-eight years . . .the Savior shall break it and we can be together again, like we are now."
"It's not fair!" he protested. "It's Snow White she's mad at...why do the rest of us have to suffer!"
The windows shattered and the purple storm clouds drifted closer...
"Because, Bae, vengeance is a double edged sword . . . and it poisons all it touches . . .Regina is mad at the world, son, and in her anger she'll destroy all that is good . . ."
"No...I don't want to go!" Bae screamed.
Rumple felt the darkness swirl about his son, dragging him out of his arms. "BAE!" he screamed, clinging to him with one hand. "Always remember-I love you!"
"Papa...noooooooo!"
His son vanished into the black mist. Rumple felt a piece of his heart shatter.
Now it reached for Belle.
"Rumple...!"
"Belle . . .
"No matter where we go or what we are...I'll fight to get back to you...I'll never stop! I love you!"
"You are my heart! And I shall love you forever!" He clung to her desperately.
She raised her lips to his.
He kissed her one last time before the curse took her from him, and then he let the darkness swallow him. . . .
She blinked and was back in the present once more. "Those fools in town...but we taught them quite a lesson, didn't we?"
"We did indeed," he chuckled. "Now it remains to be seen whether they'll learn from it."
"I hope so. But if they don't it's their loss."
"Yes. Now . . . I believe we have some celebrating to do." He smirked sexily. "And look . . . I wore my leather pants .. ." He twitched his backside provocatively.
She admired his new outfit. "Now why didn't you wear these colors back home?"
She gave him a playful swat.
He shrugged. "I don't know. It never occurred to me, I guess."
"You're buying more because you look delicious in black and blue...remind me to thank Marie again. She has you all ready for me."
His eyes twinkled. "Only for you, sweetheart. And no one else." Then he sashayed inside with that insolent strut she loved so well, that pulled his leather pants tight across his backside, even with his cane.
And while the other women of the town were probably contemplating divorce or separation, this one spent the rest of the day in the arms of her husband.
She knew in a few months they wouldn't have many moments like this and wanted to enjoy it as long as she could.
And Rumple was only too happy to accommodate her.
She was sitting on his lap giggling.
"You actually asked her how she liked unbuttoning you?"
"Uh . . . yes . .. I had to say something . . . to convince the yahoos around me that I was . . .getting it on with her. And that was the first thing that came to mind."
"Sooo...what else..."
"I want all the details, Rumplestiltskin..."
"Well . . . she told me something . . .about her past . . . but it's not my place to reveal her secrets . . .but I suggested she tell you . . .she also . . .told me she had implants . . .I pretended to growl when she wriggled all over me . . .and we almost died laughing when she kissed me . . ."
"I'll keep that in mind about her past. Maybe she will tell me. Now then I suppose she had your head in her bosom then. In that case..."
Knowing all the details they replayed those moments in the club only this time he didn't have an audience and he didn't have to be nervous with his partner.
Belle tossed his shirt into the corner. "Unlike Marie...I get stripping rights," she teased.
"And unlike those poor schmucks . . . I don't have to pay through the nose to get a lady to give me lap dance . . . or worry about getting my ass kicked when my wife finds out where I've been."
"I'm just glad they took you there and Marie was able to warn me. I would have spit a brick if Blue got her claws in you."
She noticed the surprised look on his face. "Yeah I know she dances there."
"I think she would have tried . . . if Marie hadn't been there," he murmured.
"Actually no...she said and I quote...I wouldn't touch that no matter how much he paid me...the bitch!"
"Well, we're even then, because I wouldn't touch her for all the gold I could spin!"
"Good...that means I still keep you all to myself and maybe if it doesn't drain you out...you could work a little magic to get out of those pants.."
He grinned. "Fortunately . . .I happen to be feeling frisky . . ." He stood up, gently depositing her on the bed, and did a long slow shimmy, moving his hands in a slow sensuous glide down his legs, and the pants came off in a slithering hiss, like a snake shedding its skin.
"Now come here you sexy beast!"
"Make me purr, sweetheart!" he challenged, and then he came into her arms.
"With pleasure." She brought her lips to the sensitive spot on his neck, leaving yet another mark for him to have to explain in the morning.
And he purred low in his throat . . .the way only she could make him do.
"Let's make a little magic again, my Rumple..."
"Every little thing you do is magic," he crooned, and then proceeded to give to her what he had never given anyone else-all of him.
When she was discussing what made him so perfect to the women in the shop, she omitted the part that meant the most. He'd given himself to her...heart., body and soul and she'd done the same and every time they made love, there was always something that made it feel like their first time again.
No matter how many times they did, there was always something new to be discovered, as they shared their most intimate part of themselves, in the eternal spiral dance of rebirth, renewal, and love.
