Disclaimer: I own a massive CD collection and all six seasons of 'Lost' on DVD. However, I don't own 'Castle.' Andrew W. Marlowe has that privilege.
Summary: Kate's walls begin coming down with help from Dr. Burke. She learns the reason behind Castle's cold shoulder following her revelation in '47 Seconds.'
A/N #1: Except for 'Undead Again' and 'Always,' I didn't like the few episodes that followed '47 Seconds.' I didn't like angry Castle. I mean, that I don't like angry Castle when he's mad at Kate. I was glad the old Castle came back in time for 'Undead Again.' It had one of my favorite Castle lines: 'That my friends, is a zombie. The killer's a zombie!' The events of 'Undead Again' segued perfectly into 'Always.' Anyway, I'm going AU on this one, folks.
A/N #2: I have to respond to the guest reviewer who reviewed Chapter 6 saying that they didn't understand what this story had to do with Kate coming back from DC. This isn't a Season 6 story. It's set in Season 4. I didn't like 'Watershed,' so I've opted to wait to see what Kate's answer is going to be. I do have a Season 6 story on this site that has nothing to do with 'Watershed.'
Chapter 9: The Walls Are Crumbling
May 1, 2012
"So, how are things?" Dr. Burke asked, looking at Kate sitting in her usual chair, her long legs tucked underneath her.
"Getting better," she bit her lip to keep from laughing.
"Are you going to let me in on the joke, Kate?" He couldn't help asking.
"We're working on a case that has some strange aspects to it. Castle seems to be having a good time with it."
"Does he still seem angry?"
"No, he seems to be the Castle that we all know and love."
For the last several weeks, Castle had appeared angry, but Kate didn't know the reason why. He'd been making sarcastic remarks and shooting her hard looks. And then just a couple of weeks ago he'd teamed up with Det. Ethan Slaughter, who'd almost managed to get him killed. After that, he'd come back to shadow her once again.
Now they were working this case involving supposed zombies. Kate knew that she could insist until the cows came home that there was no such thing as zombies, werewolves, vampires, or other creatures that go bump in the night, but her childlike partner strongly disagreed. Just like the vampire that they'd found in the graveyard two years before, he was once again in his element. Watching his exuberance as they worked the case made Kate smile. For some reason, seeing him happy made her happy.
***CCC***
Castle had been only too happy to don scary makeup and play the part of a zombie in order to catch a killer. It combined two of his favorite things; solving a murder and monsters. He'd gotten the boys to take pictures of him so that he could post them to his Facebook page. He'd then taken one with his own phone to send to Alexis. "Do you want one, Beckett?" He asked as he took yet another picture.
"Sure, Castle. Why not?" She looked up from her paperwork.
"Come on, Kate. Don't roll your eyes. Admit it, I look cool."
"Okay, I'll admit that you look a little cool," she conceded as he grinned. "Can I talk to you when you're finished sending your zombie pic to all of your contacts?"
"Sure," he said as he took one more picture as she couldn't help shaking her head at the nine-year-old in him.
"So, what's on your mind, detective?" He put his phone in his pocket before turning to face his partner.
Looking at him, she didn't know how she was supposed to have a serious conversation with someone who was dressed like he was about to go to a Halloween party. "Let's get some coffee," she got up and walked to the break room as he got up and followed her. "I'm glad that you're back as part of my team, Castle. I thought that Slaughter was going to kill you."
"Yeah, I was beginning to get that feeling, too," he smiled as she handed him a cup of coffee.
"Castle, I don't know what I did or what I said, but I'm sorry."
He looked down at his coffee cup when she started talking. He knew exactly what she'd done. She'd lied to him. She claimed that she didn't remember anything about the moments after her shooting. For the past several months it had been business as usual as he tried to bury his feelings for her. Then a few weeks before he'd overheard her interrogating a young man during their investigation of a possible terrorist bombing. He'd overheard her telling the young man about being shot in the chest and remembering every single second of what had happened. The news had angered and devastated him. He couldn't believe that she'd lied to him. He loved her so much. He didn't know why she was trying to push him away.
"You didn't do anything wrong. It was me."
"I know that we're not at our swings, but I have something that I need to tell you. I've been in therapy since after the shooting. I originally went because I had to, but when I froze right after I returned to work, I decided that I needed to go back."
"Has it been helping?"
"At first, it didn't, but that's because I was resisting. Once I decided to let him help me, it has been helping. Do you remember when I told you about the walls that I've built around me?" She reminded him as he nodded. "I think that those walls are coming down."
"Well, I'd like to be there when they do."
"Yeah," she smiled shyly. "I'd like for you to be there, too."
"Kate, would you like to go and grab something to eat?"
"With you looking like that?" She asked in amusement.
"We can stop by the loft first so that I can clean up, and then we can go out. Or we can pick up something or order in."
"Actually, I think that I'd like to go out and eat."
"Come on," he led the way out of the break room and toward the elevators.
***CCC***
As usual, Martha was delighted when Castle brought Kate home with him. "Katherine! How are you?" The older woman greeted Kate exuberantly. "Richard, you should really get more sleep. You look like the walking dead."
"I think that was the whole idea," Kate laughed as Rick glared at both of them.
"I'm going to clean up. I'll be back in a jiffy."
"Sit down and talk to me," Martha showed Kate over to the sofa. "How have you been?"
"I've been great. I'm always better in the spring once the snow finally ends."
"Oh me, too. So, what are you and Richard up to tonight?"
"He's taking me out to dinner. We wrapped up a case, so we're going to celebrate. Where's Alexis?"
"Working on a school project with her friend Paige. Did Richard tell you that she's valedictorian?"
"It's all that he's talked about. He has every right to be proud. He told me that she's worried about her speech. She's so eloquent that no matter what she says, she's going to be great."
"That's what we've told her too, but she so over thinks things sometimes."
"Okay, all ready," Castle re-entered the room as he finished tying his tie.
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to be underdressed?" Kate looked at Martha.
"For heaven's sake, Richard. Lose the tie," his mother told him.
"Okay. I really didn't want to wear one, anyway," he grinned as both women rolled their eyes.
Usually when they had dinner together, it was burgers at Remy's or Chinese. Going downstairs in the elevator, they debated their choices and finally decided on seafood. The place he took her to was nice and cozy. "I have this addiction to shrimp," she smiled when the waiter handed them their menus.
"Me, too. I'm kind of like that guy in 'Forrest Gump.' It doesn't matter how you cook it, I love shrimp. Can I ask a question?" She nodded. "Do you talk about me with your therapist?"
"That's supposed to be privileged, Castle," she reminded him. "I talk about lots of things. Yes, you are among the stuff that I talk about. But so is Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, my dad . . . my mom."
"Can I ask why you went back after you were cleared?"
"I told you. It started when I froze that one day. It made me realize that maybe I wasn't as ready to come back to work as I'd thought I was. So, can we talk about something else? Is Meredith coming to Alexis' graduation?"
"No," he said as the waiter brought their drinks over. "The first major milestone of her daughter's life and she has other plans."
"I'm so sorry, Rick," she placed her hand over his. "Alexis must've been crushed."
"No, that's just it, Kate. She's gotten so used to being rejected by her that it doesn't even seem to faze her anymore. It's been like this her whole life."
"I can tell you from past experience that Alexis might act like Meredith's rejection doesn't hurt, but I can tell you that it does. But, she's never going to admit it to you and she's certainly not going to tell her mother."
"Not that it would matter if she did tell Meredith. Deep-fried Twinkie, remember?"
"Rick . . . never mind," she shook her head as the waiter came over with their appetizer.
"What? You can ask me anything."
"Did you demand custody or did Meredith just hand Alexis over to you? I'm sorry, that didn't come out the way that I meant it to."
"I was going to ask for custody. After all, I stayed home all day, so I'd always be there for Alexis. At first, she fought me tooth and nail. I didn't want to drag my then two-year-old daughter through a decade long custody fight. We fought for almost a year. Meredith would make dates to see Alexis and then she wouldn't show up. Or, when she did pick her up, she'd call and tell me that she was flying her somewhere. It just got where it was too confusing for Alexis. We went to counseling and they convinced Meredith that it would be in everybody's best interest, but especially Alexis' if she gave primary custody over to me. I didn't ask for child support, and I agreed to let Meredith see Alexis as often as she wanted, which isn't nearly often enough in my opinion. I've watched over the years as she's missed birthdays, Christmases, school plays, and now our daughter's graduation."
"I'm so sorry, Castle."
"Kate, I regret the time that I spent, or I should say, wasted, on that woman. But, I've never regretted one moment of being Alexis' dad. I'd do that part all over again in a minute."
"Even if it meant deep-fried Twinkie all over again?"
"Maybe I could skip that part," he made a face as she laughed. "So, the walls coming down, huh?"
"Yeah, it is," she smiled.
"Does that mean there'll be no more playground therapy?"
"Oh, I'm sure that there'll be times when I could still use some playground therapy. I like your therapy better anyway, Castle. At least your brand of therapy is free."
***CCC***
As she lay in bed that night, Kate thought about her dinner with Castle. Tonight had given her the first real glimpse of how hurt he was by his ex-wife's treatment of their daughter. While she had no doubt that Meredith loved Alexis, she sometimes got the impression that to her, Alexis was just another possession that she could show off when the mood struck her.
Kate knew that she would've given anything to have her mother be there when she had graduated from college. There were times after her mother had died that she'd longed to have her there to talk to. She learned even before her father's alcoholism had gotten bad, that there were things that she just couldn't go to him about. She was sure that Alexis must surely feel the same way. Having the cool dad was great, but she'd learned that Castle was so overprotective of his daughter that she wasn't sure Alexis would want to talk to him about everything.
She also thought about what he'd said when she'd apologized to him earlier that afternoon about whatever she had said or done to upset him. He'd told her that it hadn't been her, it had been him, but she wasn't so sure about that. She was trying to pinpoint when Castle's behavior had started changing. Thinking back, she realized that it had been during the bombing of a few weeks before. They had all been on edge, thinking at first that it had been a terrorist attack or the work of protestors.
She'd been so busy interrogating suspects that she hadn't noticed at first that he had changed. But his biting comments and the looks that he kept giving her told her that something was wrong. It was only during this latest case that the old Castle seemed to have returned. She wondered if maybe he hadn't liked the way that she'd questioned some of the suspects. She knew that had sometimes bothered him in the past. She decided to go through the tapes the next morning.
***CCC***
She went into the precinct early and looked for the DVD's from the bombing interrogations. She then locked herself away and began examining the interviews that she'd done. It was when she got to the interview that she'd done with one of the young men that she thought that she'd found the answer she was looking for. He claimed that he couldn't remember anything after the bomb had gone off because he was in shock.
"Do you want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it."
Had Castle been standing in observation? She knew that he hadn't been in the room with her. She removed the DVD and took it back to evidence before going back to her desk. She was sitting there with her head in her hands when Ryan walked in. "Beckett, you look like somebody just shot your puppy," he sat down on the edge of her desk. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Ryan, tell Gates that I had to step out for a little while," she got up and headed for the elevator.
"Beckett, where are you going?"
"Therapy!" She called over her shoulder.
Ryan was still puzzling over her answer when Esposito got there. "Where's Beckett?"
"She said something about therapy. Do you know what she's talking about?"
"I wouldn't worry about it, bro," Espo told his partner. He'd promised Beckett after the sniper case had ended that he wouldn't discuss his boss' PTSD with the rest of the team. "She'll be back."
***CCC***
"He knows that I lied!" Kate was pacing furiously in Dr. Burke's office as the psychologist watched her with a contemplative look on his face.
"How can you be sure?"
"I went back through the interviews that I'd done after the Boylan Plaza bombing. One of the suspects claimed that he didn't remember anything after the bombing. He told me that he was suffering from traumatic amnesia. I said something about remembering every detail from the day that I was shot. I think that Castle was in the observation room. If he was, then he heard every word that I said and he knows that I lied!"
"Was that when he changed?"
"Yeah. At first I thought maybe he was angry because I was waiting too long. But I'm pretty sure that he heard what I said."
"What do you plan to do?"
"I don't know," she came over and sat in her chair. "What do you think that I should do?"
"Face some harsh realities."
"What in the hell are you talking about?"
"Kate, we've talked about your mother, her murder, your walls, your father's alcoholism, and Richard Castle. You said that he told you that he loved you, but you weren't sure whether he truly meant it or not. There's only one way you're ever going to be sure. You said that he knows that you lied to him. It's time for you to confront the lie head on."
"He's been as hurt by the women in his life as I have by the things that I've done in my life."
"Are you afraid of saying those three little words back to him, Kate?"
"If I say those words to him, it's going to change everything," she wiped at her eyes.
"Yes, it will. But, sometimes change is a good thing, Kate."
When she came out of Dr. Burke's, she drove back to the precinct. Castle was sitting in his usual spot when she stepped off of the elevator. "Hi," he looked at her. "Are you okay?"
"Can you come by my apartment when we get out of here today? I need to talk to you, and I have a feeling that the swings might not be a great idea."
"Why? Is one of us going to be yelling and screaming?"
"Maybe."
"Okay, I'll drop by at around seven. Is that okay?"
"Seven's fine."
***CCC***
Waiting for Castle to arrive, Kate thought about what she was going to say to him. Her mother had always stressed the truth. In this case, the truth was really the only thing that was going to work. She jumped when she heard his tap on the door shortly before seven. "Hi," she opened the door to let him in.
"What's going on? You sounded so serious this morning."
"I've done an awful thing, and I've hurt you badly in the process. For that, I'm truly, sincerely sorry," her eyes filled with tears.
"Kate—"
"No, please let me say this. Why didn't you tell me that you knew that I'd lied?"
"Because I was hurt," he confessed in a tight voice as he looked at his hands. "I was angry. I felt betrayed. I felt like we were making some kind of progress over the past 11 months. When I heard you talking to that kid that day and you told him that you remembered every second of that day, it felt like I'd just gotten punched in the gut."
"So, that's the reason for the cold shoulder. That's the reason why you decided to shadow Slaughter.," he looked at her as she held out a hand. "Castle, we've been through so much together. You're my partner. You're also my best friend. When I was lying on the ground that day and I heard you telling me that you loved me, I so wanted to say those words back to you. But until that wall comes down, I can't let you in."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to become a Meredith or a Gina and break your heart."
"Don't you understand that what I feel for you is so much deeper than what I felt for them? I was a playboy, Kate. When I met both of them, I wasn't ready to settle down. Even after I was given Alexis, I wasn't ready to settle down. When I met you, I was a clown. Like you told me before you got shot, I was the school's funniest kid."
"Castle—"
"No, it's your turn to let me finish. It was only after you told me how you felt about me looking into your mother's murder that something in me changed. Like you told me, I was too selfish to see that I wasn't looking at her case for you; I was doing it for my own curiosity. You've taught me that while it's still okay to be silly, I also have to be a grownup on occasion."
"I was so scared that day," she remembered, wiping at the tears that were leaking from her eyes. "One minute I was standing there talking about Capt. Montgomery and then I just felt like something slammed into my chest."
"I think that was me."
"No, it was before you tackled me. I saw the blood on my glove and then I saw how scared you looked. You kept begging me to stay with you. And then you told me that you loved me. Everything just hurt so much. And then it was like I didn't feel anything. I just wanted to go to sleep. But, I kept hearing your voice. When you came to the hospital that day . . . when I was with Josh, I was just so confused. It just seemed easier to say that I didn't remember anything. I'm so sorry."
"When you're ready—"
"Believe me, Castle, when the wall falls to the ground, you're going to be the first . . . well, make that the second person to know it. I just don't want to hurt you."
"So, there's maybe hope that this could go somewhere?" He raised his eyebrow as she reached for his hand.
"There's always hope," she smiled.
A/N #3: I got the idea to have Kate tell him from one of my reviewers, who told me I could take it either way. Doing it this way eliminates part of their major argument from 'Always,' but I wasn't planning on going in that direction, anyway. One more chapter will wrap this little saga into a nice, neat package. Thanks for all of the follows, favorites, and reviews. Please keep it coming.
Another tidbit from 'Nikki Heat:' Castle: 'She's committed to the role. You should be flattered.' Kate: 'Yeah, sure. Until she steals my boyfriend and kills me in my sleep.' Love that episode.
