Washington DC

Winter 2025

Chapter 9

Friday, the last day, of one of the worst weeks of her life. Senator Beckett had just been informed the limousine had arrived and was ready to take her to the airport. Her plane was due in twenty minutes.

She walked to the curb, her driver Ray was waiting, the rear door open for her, "Good afternoon Senator."

"Good afternoon Ray, thank you for giving me a ride."

"You're welcome Senator," he replied with a smile.

They both knew it was all arranged, but she appreciated the friendly face and his discreet manner.

As they sped toward the arriving plane she thought back to her last ride in this car, taking Castle to the airport after the news conference.

The short ride had been awkward. She has been buoyed in that dark day by his support, his protection of her. He was quiet during the drive, just stared sullenly ahead saying nothing at first.

Before they left her office, he had told her he needed to return to be with the kids. While it was doubtful anyone would go to the loft, he wanted to be there just in case. She agreed.

AJ and Lanie were oblivious to all that was happening, Anna was not. He needed to get back for her. Their eldest, his baby Kate.

She looked over at Castle as they made their way, she thought about his presence, just having him beside her during the conference. The support and strong arm around her shoulder as they left behind the hoard of reporters.

She remember his sustaining embrace in the passage way. She thought she would collapse, but without a word, at the exact moment she doubted she could even take another step, he had stopped and folded her into his arms. It had breathed life and strength back into her.

She had thanked him for being there, for his protection, but she was afraid to even look in his direction.

She remembered him stirring, but she did not lift her head.

Then she felt his hand come to rest on her arm, and he had said, "Kate, I promised you years ago"...his voice had faltered, and then, "I promised...I would always be there for you."

Then the words that hit her like a dagger, "Always, is always for me Kate."

She could not hold back the tears, suddenly she was flooding, as they began dropping off her chin.

Then he slide near her, put his handkerchief to her chin and dried her tears.

How could such a simple act mean so much. Her eyes began to water just thinking of it. She wanted not to cry this day. She felt like she had used up all her tears, for life time.

He had told her that during the conference, when the press went on attack mode, he could not take, it. He said, "I could not stomach those pompous asses laying into you."

"I found myself...I knew rage was taking over...and I did not want to punch someone out. But I wasn't sure I could stop myself."

"My only thought was to get between you and them."

When he went silent, she had laid her head on his shoulder and pulled up his hand, clutching it against her chest. She was drowning, she knew he alone could grant her any respite.

The had not spoken again for the rest of the drive.

When the limo pulled into the parking area near the plane, Ray had turned of the car and gave them a few minutes alone.

She knew he was about to leave and when the car door closed she became immediately anxious. It would be only minutes until he left, she was not ready for that yet.

She moved her arms up and around his neck and began to shake, the tears returning.

He soothed her, repeating her name, laying his hand against her head.

He had asked if he should stay for another day. She had stopped crying, told him she would like him to, but he needed to return, for Anna. She reminded him, "she'll be waiting for you, she's your girl, and she needs you...needs to be under her Daddy's wings."

She was so exhausted she almost had fallen asleep just sitting there. She rallied and thanked him again.

As he left the car, he kissed the top of her head. She held on to his coat sleeve until he was out of reach.

And then she was alone. She did not consider herself a crier, but today had proven that wrong. Once he was gone, the comforting environment of the limousine became cold and empty, a void without his presence. She has whispered, "My love...my love..." Over and over, a mantra of hope for her.

The ride back to the office was terrible. She wondered if she would die. The tears gushed with Rick out of the car, she had struggled to catch her breath.

She had upset Ray and when at one point she moaned so loudly, he asked if they needed to stop. She told him no.

She blinked and she was back at the airport, the plane was here for her. As the limo pulled up next to the jet, reality flooded in. It was time to go home. Time to face her family. She dreaded seeing Martha, Alexis and Jake, for she had hurt them as well as Castle.

XXX

After making the arrangements for Kate's return he sat down and poured two fingers of MacCallan. It had only been three days since he had seen her, other than on the news. They had not spoken but there had been text messages about the kids. But nothing about them.

He reflected back to Tuesday, she had seemed so small, so broken and vulnerable on the ride from her office to the plane. He told her she didn't have to make the trip, she insisted. He was hurting, his emotions has been all over the place. But he could not watch her wounded or at risk, it was beyond his ability to tolerate. He had always been compelled to comfort her, to hold her in her time of need.

As the M2 accelerated down the run-way he looked back as the ground slipped away. He didn't recall the airport, city or the famous moments, he had been fixed on the black limousine. He knew that all he was, all he ever wanted to be, was tied to the woman in that car. His heart literally ached within his chest.

In the time it took to start the plane, taxi and take off, he found himself languishing in the void of her absence.

He reconsidered the day and the damn press. The Washington vultures who had tried to attack his wife. His anger and rage had been boiling just below the surface since then. He was so mad at them. How could they dare to do her harm. He wanted to strike back, to hit someone, something. He had just wanted to unleash this rage. He needed to let it go.

But he knew the rage had been misdirected, the press was not the real source of anger, it was her.

In the next moment he gasped, as his volatile feelings had been replaced with a burning in his chest. He gasped, gritted his teeth and clung to the arm rests, swearing to himself.

For a time he wondered if he was having a heart attack but then felt himself began to shake. The eruption of tears was quick and he heard himself sob. Once started, he had been unable to stop the flow. He'd given Kate his handkerchief earlier, but it would not have helped. His nose ran, his cheeks had been flooded in agony.

He mumbled her name, asking, "Why my love...why?"

Then next thing he recalled from the flight home was the pilot announcing their arrival in ten minutes.

He had tried to repair his face at the small sink. The wet paper towels had at least cooled the burning, soothed his raw nose.

Just before they landed, the airport and city had come into sight and he had realized how exhausted he was, how the time with Kate had drained him.

His mind had stumbled over her name. His instinct has been to grab his phone, to call her. She'd know what to do. She'd know the way out of this.

And then the crushing reality of their situation struck him. Realization that he could not call. That she could not help. The weight of just how alone he was, was overwhelming. He wanted cry out, to scream over their circumstances. Even before he could think, his dried face was again flooded with tears.

The cycle of weeping and sobbing began again. As the tires squealed on touch-down he knew he was home, but so terribly alone. It was not the distance in miles that separated them, it was the chasm she had created. He wondered, on that dark Tuesday night how he could survive without her.

XXX

She was alone in the plane as it whisked her to New York. Her greatest fear was for him. She'd betrayed him for reasons she didn't really understand. Its was the worst betrayal, one she had never seen fixed. One she could not believe she had participated in.

In her fear of hurting him more, and her desperation to never cause such harm again, she'd contacted the attorney. She wasn't sure what to do, what it would accomplish, she didn't have a clear plan yet. But she knew she had to do something to protect them, from her. She was the weak link, she was the threat, she could not leave things to fate.

Her other fear, was him knowing. He'd always been able to read her. He seemed to know her thoughts and while she tried to figure things out, what was best to do, she feared he would sense her desperation while groping for an answer. She didn't know where to turn. She didn't want to harm him anymore.

The answer that struck her, was not an answer at all. It only reminded her of her terrible circumstances. What she needed, was the only person she could trust. The only person who had her back for years, the one who had saved her life, she needed Castle.

She was nearly home, glad to be out of DC. The apartment was cold and empty. She hated it, she hated the solitude. That fact surprised her. Before Castle she had relished the years of life on her own terms. She now considered those years her personal dark ages.

Her life had blossomed, she had a husband , children, their flesh and blood.

Early in the week she had awaken in the middle of the night by a pressure on her chest. She had awoken panicked and could not breathe. She had slipped to the floor, head between her knees, gasping for breath.

She knew what it was, an old demon, panic attacks. She had them after the the sniper shooting. There had been even more after the near drowning.

She knew the symptoms, the racing heart, pounding chest and shortness of breath. None of it was new, it was always the same, sheer terror.

Before the mess, she would have held on to him. His presence always calmed her. He didn't even need to be awake. She would ride out the attack in the dark, clutching his arm or hand. .

He had surprised her a number times. He seemed to have a sense of her stress. He would unexplainably wake-up and talk to her.

When she was away, if it happened she would text him, he'd respond. He had turned into a light sleeper, a vibrating phone would wake him, the product of the kids who had stolen the gift of deep sleep, from both of them.

But this week there were no text messages. She reminded herself that she'd given up her right to his midnight rescues. She'd betrayed the best thing in her life.

It had been months since she'd had a clear head. But now, looking back over the last year, it was as though she'd been living in a cloud, a personal fog, her own inferno like illusion. It had taken her to places she thought impossible.

XXX

New Yorks skyline stretched out beautiful and bright. It was always a welcome sight, but tonight even its beauty seemed to lack the normal luster.

She determined she would use the ride to Soho to calm herself and be ready, for whatever happen. This would be their first encounter since the events of Tuesday.

As the plane pulled to a stop, she realized she would not have to time to ready herself, Rick stood beside the family Yukon, waiting for her.

XXX

"Hey Beckett, ride OK." Giving her a show like hug, but without his heart in it.

"It was fine," she responded.

"Why didn't you just send the car, or call. I could've gotten a ride."

"I wanted to pick-you up myself, give us some time alone." He said nothing more until her bag was in the back and they headed out of the airport.

The talk was light, about school for AJ and how little Lanie was doing. Then he turned to their eldest.

Anna was ten years old. The private school she attended was for grades K-8, which meant although she was only ten, there were students as old as thirteen. The school was somewhat exclusive, but like every school there was always gossip. This week the buzz was about Beckett.

"My Mother had a talk with Anna yesterday. She told Mom that some of the older girls at school had taunted her, saying " You're Mother's a slut, or a variations on that theme."

"Anna asked her Grandma why they would say those things."

"What did your Mom say?" Kate asked tentatively, hoping Martha helped diffuse it some.

"She did the diva thing, told hr it was just girls being girls and they were probably just jealous because her Mom was a Senator."

"Did she accept that?"

"Mom said she seemed OK, but told me we should expect it to come-up."

"I didn't want it to blind-sided you", his tone remained neutral.

"Thank you Rick." Reaching out to touch his arm. He did not respond.

The subject changed to his next book tour and the scheduling issue.

"Do you know the number of days and general dates yet?" She asked.

"No, we're looking at March or April, it just depends on us."

And there it was, the million dollar word, 'us.'

She was quiet for a few seconds, "We need to talk about us."

For the first time in the drive he turned and looked at her, he saw tears coursing down her cheeks. He reached into his coat pocket and handed her his handkerchief.

She dabbed at her eyes and face, "Thank you."

"We do, but not right now." He said.

"Our three kids need to see their Mom. We can talk later."

"I look terrible, the poor things will be scared when they see me."

"Never Beckett, they need your arms, hugs and kisses. They can hardly wait."

XXX

The greeting was normal. Raucous and nearly dangerous due to the failing arms and legs.

She hugged them fervently, almost clinging. She had missed them so.

Again the banter was roar like, with all three trying to talk over each other. Trying to tell Mom a story about the week. She saw something in Anna's look that alarmed her, but let it pass, for now.

As was the custom Rick stood near, beaming, at the happy reunion. It was one of his favorite scenes each week. Mom coming home to her hoard. They had laughed about it many times over the last several months.

Shortly after their arrival the door bell rang. She didn't need to even ask. Friday night, babes in arms, it could only be pizza time.

More squealing, more chatter, now mixed with mouthfuls of pizza. The parents of the clan, laughing, like all was well, and for this time, it was.

But to too soon, the kids were down for the night. It was time, the broken couple needed to deal with their problems.

XXX

She opened, "Rick, I wanted you to know I'll be here at the my city office this week." She paused but he did not reply.

"Adrianna decided it would be best. Mark and a couple of the other staff members will be here on Tuesday."

"That's good, the kids will be delighted to have you in town and home each night."

"Let's go in the bedroom," he said without preamble and led the way.

She followed him and sat on the edge of their bed, momentarily lost in the comfort of the room. She had slept so terrible all week. She wished she could just crawl in, escape this all. But she could not. She thought, 'Oh, for a time machine.'

"So tell me Beckett, where do we go from here?" He leaned against the wall, arms crossed, faced now bereft of the early joy with the kids.

"I don't know Rick...I've thought about it all week." She paused, studying the floor.

"I was surprised you sent the plane, picked me up...even let me back in this house."

"What? Beckett our lives can be crap, we can be irreparable broken...but," and he stopped.

She looked up from the floor, his eyes were dark cloudy with moisture, a tear was running done his cheek. Her heart sagged. The wound she had inflicted, was open and bleeding in front of her. He was not a person who cried, but here he was before her, one sentence in ...and the tears were already here.

"Did you see...our children?

"Can you doubt your role in their lives...the need they have for you...for us."

"Nothing has changed for them, Beckett, they need you...you can't escape that..".

"The plane will always pick you up, the car will always be there...this is your home." He had gone from hurt to angry, but the tears continued to flow.

"I'm not suggesting anything different, I just didn't know what..." she countered.

"Really Beckett? really...because...I can see you working on some exit strategy...you know for the greater good."

"Why would you even suggest that Rick?"

"Kate, it's me...it's us...I know how you work ….how you think..."

"Never forget...if you took out you gun and shot me...they are still our children...there is no greater good."

Her fears were confirmed, he was already peering into her confused and grasping heart. Seeing things she did not want out.

He walked over and picked up their wedding picture. He shook his head in anger, and threw it against the wall. Shards of glass raining onto the floor.

He turned and glared at her, "That is what you did with us...damn you Beckett."

She did not move, she wished he had taken his anger out on her. She had been hit by suspects before, she could take a blow or even blows, but she knew he would never do that. Never. She saw him as a victim, writhing in pain, seeking relief, seeking answers. There were none.

You used to ask perps, "are you willing to do a nickel or a dime for something you didn't do? Throw away ten years of your life...for what?"

"What about us, can we ever recover Kate? In five or ten years...can we ever be repaired?"

"You thought so little of us...that you would throw us out, like nothing."

"You killed us for what? Tell me Kate for what?"

He stood silent before her, she would not even make eye contact. She just cried.

"Is it that I'm to old? Do you need a younger man than your 55-year-old husband? Is that it Kate?"

"No, no...Rick, you know that's not true?"

"How would I know that Kate?"

"Look at me! This is your blind, stupidly in love husband of yours. This is the guy who wants only you! The one they said, followed you like dog..."

"Rick, you've done nothing wrong."

"Your not old, not stupid, not some lost dog...please don't say such things"

He dropped on his knees in front of her, he winced as a piece of glass cut into his knee, "No one else on the planet will ever do... no one else...this three time loser only wants you".

"This fool who cannot keep his women." He was silent again, just shaking his head.

"Rick, stop...I'm the problem, this is my fault...your love for me...was never the problem..it's me...it always been."

"I told you, I've always told you, you deserved better than me..."

But he could not hear, he was drowning in grief and pain.

"There was no ones touch but yours for me..."

"If you came into a room, I struggled to keep my hands off you."

"Anytime you were near, I wanted you, I needed you...such a fool...such a fool...I thought you felt the same...thought you needed the same."

She did not look up, she could hear him struggling, breathing hard, sniffing back the tears effects.

Then in a calm, low voice..."when they showed me the pictures...something snapped in me Kate...something died...I suddenly didn't care if I ever touched you again."

"You don't feel like my Kate...you're a stranger in my arms"...he broke into sobs.

"Tell me, where is my Kate?...I need her so..."