Chapter 9: Buried My Love to Give the World to You
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
I was going to publish this chapter with events that will introduce another important subplot, but this chapter needed to happen. I wanted interaction with Jane and Logan over other events that will pick up in the next chapter. Review and save a Loki! No Lokis were harmed in the writing of this chapter. Chao!
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"I'm a cast away, and men reap what they sow. And I say what I know, to be true.
I'm living far away, on the face of the moon. I've buried my love to give the world to you."
― Jaymes Young's "Moondust"
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Jane's twenty-seventh year
Jane's cheek rested on her wrist, which held the edge of the bed where Odin slept while Thor was banished to earth years ago. The iridescent shield distorted the young boy who slept within. Her eyes itched and begged to be shut.
Each index moved as she stirred to stretch her body. As she glanced down, she noticed Logan's eyes open. The boy had first woken a few days ago after a solid week of unconsciousness.
"You're awake," he said softly. His voice was scratchy.
"So I am," she responded. Jane sat back down, "How are you feeling, my love?"
He gulped and smirked vacantly, "I am better, mother."
"Do you want to try to get up?" she questioned, and she smiled warmly.
"You look tired," he observed. He pulled on her hand and she leaned in. When his small hand touched her cheek, his eyes narrowed sadly, "I am sorry."
She grabbed his hands, a noticeable difference in their core temperature went unmasked. "You're not cloaking yourself," she uttered as she kissed his hands, "I'm glad. There's no need to be ashamed of who you are."
The boy leaned up, but winced as he did so. Jane assisted him upright, "Mother, everything is my fault."
The princess reached for his jaw and lifted his head up so he stared at her sadly, "What do you mean?"
"I heard things when they thought me asleep," he replied glancing away.
Jane shook her head and looked away to the large balcony. She moved her hands over him so she could pick him, "You're a growing boy. Help your mother."
When he did, she pulled him away from the barrier and out of the bed. She bent to set him on the ground, but he continued to hold onto her neck. To alleviate the tensing at her knees, she knelt down and wrapped her arms around her child. Her hands smoothed down his free, long black hair. "I'm so afraid, mother."
Her eyes watered, "You have nothing to fear." Her arms tightened, "So long as I am here, you will always be safe."
"What if the Aether kills you?" Logan cried. He locked his arms tightly around her. "What if you're not here!"
She softly quieted him and lowered herself to her bum. She sat on the cold floor and held him. No matter how much he appeared as his father, Logan possessed Jane's vulnerability. It was the same trait she tried endlessly to squash in her effort of being strong for this boy. "You are too young to feel this way," she mused.
A tense whisper of sadness washed over her features, "I'm sorry you are not able to live as a young boy should. You should be laughing and playing...not training for defending yourself."
"I want to protect you, mother," he sobbed. "I want to be strong for you."
Tears shed from her eyes, so she lowered her face into his hair. When she was sure her eyes were dry, she pulled Logan's hands down and held them in her hands. Slowly, she brought them up to her lips. Jane stretched her mouth into a genuine smile, "Just love me."
"What happens if they find out, Loki? What if you die away from me on your adventures? What if I never gain a long life, and I die in less than a century?" the young princess sobbed.
The dark prince brought her close and rubbed her hair. He hushed her gently and tightened his hold over her. "Jane," he started. She felt him swallow tensely, but she pulled away so their eyes locked. He smiled softly, "Just love me."
"Always, mother," Logan declared with a strong conviction that made his words sound as strong as a vow.
"Always, Loki," she vowed.
Jane glanced longingly at the shadow-consumed entryway and saw a figure standing, observing. The soft illumination from the lunar light beyond the window poured through the area where Jane and Logan lingered. She held her gaze over the dark figure.
The figure emerged, and she saw Calder. Her eyes narrowed. Logan placed his hand over her face, which abruptly snatched her attention, "Mother? You look pale." His eyes furiously examined her features.
Quickly, her expression lightened and her hands left his hands to his belly, where she tickled lightly. The boy's laughter bounced across the room. She loved that sound. "You're the pale one, little Jotun."
Calder stepped too loudly, and Logan turned around abruptly. Logan relaxed seeing the familiar guard. "Calder!"
The familiarity surprised Jane. "Logan, I had no idea you two were so close."
"The queen told me he was one of my rescuers!" Logan announced. The boy still stood next to his mother.
Calder approached the two slowly. Jane smile dwindled, "One of your rescuers?"
Logan turned back to Jane, but his smile faded. He appeared guilt-ridden. Jane stood up. "Uhm, I-I mean..."
"What do you know?" Jane demanded. Her hands balled and moved to her hips.
The boy swallowed, but eventually answered, "Loki found me and returned me to here."
Jane closed her eyes and looked away. After collecting her composure, she reached out for Logan, and he immediately joined hands with her. Her free hand brushed his cheek, "Loki is your father. There is no shame in calling him such."
"E-everyone else says..."
"Logan, do not listen to anyone except me for now," she snapped. When he winced, she paused to collect her patience, too. "Who told you this?"
"No one..." he quickly answered.
Jane knelt down again, and she made sure her eyes were leveled to his, "I'm not mad at you."
"I saw him, mother," the boy added as he stepped closer to Jane. "He held me and spoke to me." His features ignited. "I heard his voice. I felt his hands! I saw him!" he continued. He suddenly pried himself away from her and closed his eyes as if searching his mind. Quickly, Logan projected an image of Loki.
Jane stood up and her hands covered her mouth. She felt herself walking closer to the fuzzy image, which stood appeared mostly like the man she knew. Her hands moved to Logan and turned his attention away from his magic, "You're still not strong enough."
"I saw him! I saw him!" he joyed. "Mother! We have to find him!"
The image faded. Jane glanced down at him. "No matter how hard we try, we won't find him."
Logan's features hardened, "What are you saying? You don't want to?"
Jane's eyes fell and moved from left to right as she struggled to find the appropriate words to explain, "He won't be found unless he wants to be. We don't know what troubles from which he runs. We...we won't find him."
"But I want to know him, mother..." Logan uttered.
"You will," she forced. "Go back to bed, Logan," she whispered brokenly.
"I do not wish to go back to bed..." he fought mildly.
Jane grabbed his hand and swung it as she guided him back to the center of the room. "Tomorrow, I will take you to his room. You will know him slowly." Jane glanced down at the boy and saw his features ignited again.
"Really?"
She nodded, "But you need your strength."
The boy dramatically yawned, "I'll go to bed now!"
She helped him back into the large barrier, and he quickly forced his eyes shut. Jane smiled warmly as she watched him eventually fall back asleep. It never took long. The boy loved to sleep.
Calder stepped toward Jane. "You should get some rest yourself," he advised.
The princess glanced up and moved her finger over her lips while her eyes signaled his attention over to the balcony doors. He travelled to the double glass doors and opened one door.
Jane quietly moved away from Logan. She cracked the door as she stepped outside. "He always pretends to sleep. I can never tell anymore. He's like his father in that right."
"Jane, you haven't left this room in days. You appear better rested than in his absence, but you need to rest, too," Calder repeated.
The woman moved to the half wall lining the balcony. She leaned down and glanced down at the city. "Calder, I don't know who I can trust anymore."
He moved closer to her and sustained a slightly less than appropriate proximity to her. When she glanced up to him, she saw his features adapt to concern. "What do you mean?"
"The Aether connected with me when it transferred to me. I heard Thanos...saw Thanos. I also watched someone familiar very fearful of the bastard. I couldn't hear the words, though," she confided.
Calder swallowed, "Do you believe the person was Loki?"
Jane straightened her posture and shook her head, "I don't know who to tell."
"So you know who it was?" he inquired quickly.
"I know who is responsible for the attack on Asgard," she told Calder quietly. She saw his hand close in on her face, but as he approached within a few measly inches, he balled his fist and pulled away from her. "It wasn't Loki."
"I can help you if you tell me," he suddenly spoke, nearly cutting her off.
Jane scoffed and she pulled away from him. "You're duty is to Odin, Calder. Don't pretend otherwise."
His eyes fell over hers intensely. She swallowed nervously and narrowed her eyes slightly. When her heart told her to back away from him, she surrendered to the command instinctively.
That's when he caught her wrist, and his arm darted around her. His hand landed on her exposed arm, and she dreadfully noticed the warmth of his hand. His touch burned her like Thor's. She immediately felt dirtied as the familiar cold didn't bitterly chill her the way Loki's had in that final moment together.
"Jane, I cannot keep lying to you. There's something I need you to know," he hoarsely groaned. He sounded desperate and he clung onto her fleeting body.
The strength of the Aether wasn't needed to push him away from her, "Calder, lie to me." She swallowed and buried her heart beneath her words, "I do not want your truth. My son is my focus. I don't want to know. I need a friend, especially now."
And his features shifted, changing from vulnerable to a deep comprehending scowl. He released her, and Calder dangerously shook, "Dravice."
"What-what about him?" Jane tried to say indifferently.
"I'll kill him." He glanced toward the door as if he would flee.
But Jane grabbed his hand, "You can't. Asgard isn't ready for another betrayal like that."
"Jane!" Calder said disbelieving, "Asgard's tender heart be damned. He must pay."
"He can't know that I know. It would put us all in more danger," she warned, searching his thrashing eyes, "I don't want Thanos knowing."
Eventually, his eyes smoothed and he nodded. "I'll trust your judgement."
"Calder?" the princess lowly questioned.
"Yes, Jane?"
"I need more information on Dravice. He wouldn't just decide Thanos was a good idea, but I never saw him betraying my trust like this," Jane confided. She let go of his hand. "I don't trust you, but you brought me my son. That profoundly shakes my opinion of you."
"Name what you need from me," he replied.
Jane bit her lip. "Logan needs to know his father. I can't take that away from him," she started, "Not yet. He's too young to hate a man he now has the chance to meet."
"What is your request?"
"Watch over Logan while I'm gone. Loki can be anywhere, and I think he means well for now. I just can't predict him anymore," her eyes closed and her eyes felt heavy, "I've lost him and the ability to reach him."
Calder closely moved toward her, "Where are you going?"
"Thor is visiting earth tomorrow. I plan on going with him," she told him.
He apprehensively replied, "You just told Logan—"
The princess shot him a defensive scowl, "I know what I told my son."
Calder opened his mouth, but words failed him. They stared between each other until Jane sighed, "I can't take Loki away from Logan, but I can take myself away from Loki."
He swallowed, but she continued before he could speak, "I'm marrying Thor in six months. I can't keep dwelling on past feelings. It's not fair for him."
He stepped forward and grabbed her by the shoulders. His eyes were wide with fury, "I-I do not understand! H-how can you allow yourself to marry someone who won't love you?"
Jane defensively stepped back away from his touch, "This is between me and Thor. I cannot keep running from the inevitable."
"Does Logan know? What of him?" he fought. His eyes were glossy with bold emotion.
"I'm doing what's best for him. Odin holds my entire power within his hands. Without marrying Thor, I cannot protect my son," she countered. Her arms crossed over each other over her chest.
"You have no choice in the matter! You are being forced against your will," he reasoned.
"My will never mattered to anyone!" Jane seethed in a low growl. She became aware of their noise, and she couldn't afford to wake anyone up. Being there with an unmarried man was highly inappropriate, and she needed to remember that.
His features softened. "I meant no offense, Jane. I am sorry for being so candid. It is not appropriate that I express doubt in the family I serve."
The sudden change of attitude from him overwhelmed her patience, so she exhaled and moved closer to him. She didn't look at him. She didn't want to know what was there in his eyes.
Jane couldn't allow this to become more than a friendship. She couldn't give him reason to suspect things could amplify beyond a distant friendship. Love had burned her once, and she knew her heart would keep her prison to the heat forever.
Instead, she closed in and allowed herself a moment of weakness. Jane rested her head against his chest. Only then did she notice he wore town clothes instead of his hard armor. "Thank you for worrying about me. I'm not used to this," she spoke softly.
His hands remained still at his sides, "Of course."
"You can ask only friendship of me, Calder," Jane told him quietly. Eventually, she pushed away from him and held his unrecognizable gaze, "You will only get hurt, and I don't want to hurt anyone. I wish what I endure on no one."
Before he could reply, she walked away and out of the room. She needed to rest, as he suggested.
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Breviary-Rose
