"How's it going?" Sam asked suddenly in the middle of their match.
They had been sitting in front of the television playing Soul Calibur IV in silence until he had said that. Brittany was sitting upside down on the couch, her legs dangling off the back, the game was too easy right side up, but even so she was schooling Sam in the art of ranged attacks, which was why he was making conversation.
"How's what going?" she asked pushing her glasses back in place without missing a beat of her combo.
"Don't play, you know what."
She did, but she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about it. "Well enough," she said vaguely.
"Whatever, you're dating the woman you've been dreaming about since you first saw her, if you aren't talking about how awesome it is something must be wrong."
Sighing she made short work of Sam before letting the controller slide to the floor, "We're fine."
He frowned at her attitude, "Pick that up we still have a round left!" he snapped, which was his way of saying he still wanted to talk.
"I'm going to beat you if we fight, Cassandra doesn't have the range to counter Kilik effectively, at least not the way you play her," she sighed retrieving the controller.
"Yeah, yeah we'll see," he said partially focusing on the match, but they both knew he was determined to finish their discussion.
"I'm scared I might be losing her," Brittany admitted deciding not to try and duck his questions any longer or else he would keep her there playing until the wee hours of the morning.
"What? Why? You've only been on like seven dates."
"Six, I don't count the first one and it doesn't take long for people to realize they don't like me."
"What is all this negativity? You're awesome and she's totally down with our hardcore geek status, she likes you a lot, I can tell."
"I think she does too, but… at the same time I just have a feeling that it isn't going that great. It's the same feeling I got before all my other girlfriends broke up with me."
"You're used to that happening so now you're expecting it, keep on doing that and it may lead to the thing you're so scared of. If she isn't saying 'Britt, I want to break up' then don't worry about it."
The room was quiet save for the sounds of Sam's struggles to stay alive blaring through the speakers until Brittany said, "Do you really think she likes me that much?"
"You didn't see you two at Super Games. It was a little sickening honestly and I think it broke Rory's heart into a billion pieces."
She frowned, "But I told him I was gay a long time ago."
"He was still holding out hope that you only said that to get him to stop asking you out. He really hoped that with the right combination of charm, cologne and Magic cards he could win you over."
"Ugh."
"Rory aside you two are clearly digging each other hardcore so don't worry over past girlfriends."
She smiled with joy that was caused in equal parts by the knowledge that someone else thought Santana was interested in her and the fact that she had just killed Sam for a second time.
"Rematch!" he growled.
Brittany only grinned as they started another battle, "What about you and Mercedes? How are things there?"
"Friggin awesome! Did you know that she met Lucy Lawless? Like several times?"
She paused just long enough for his character to hit the ground before she lay into him again, "That is awesome and I would like talk about that later to discuss autograph possibilities, but I meant on a personal level."
He smiled widely, "She's great to be around and she can talk about regular every day stuff without boring me like regular girls. Mercedes is really special you know. Like I thought at first she was going to be a total diva like Rachel and piss me off after a while, but she's really down to earth like all the time, it isn't an act she puts on around other people and I love that about her. Plus we have amazing bedroom chemistry so that's a major bonus."
Hearing that she failed to execute her special correctly giving him a chance to escape and struggle a while longer. "That's good," she cleared her throat before refocusing on the game.
"What about you and Santana?"
The question made her slip up again and she had to spin around to sit upright because the sudden rush of blood to her face combined with the increased gravity was making her head spin. "I already told you," she mumbled trying to finish the match quickly to escape, but it was too late, he had left her too flustered and made short work of her leading them into a third round.
"You know what I mean."
"We… we haven't…"
Sam paused the game and stared at her, "Are you serious? Like not at all?" when she shook her head his eyebrows shot up, "With the way she was looking at you the other night I thought you guys had already-"
"We haven't," Brittany interrupted, looking fixedly at the pause screen.
"Britt," he said softly and she reluctantly turned to face him, "It isn't because of… you know, is it?"
She sighed and nodded partially. Sam understanding her need for a distraction unpaused the game turned back to the screen.
"I know she wants to, but whenever it gets that far I just…"
"Panic," he offered because he knew.
Sam had known about her anxiety issues since they were small and he had been the only one, even now, to believe they were a real thing. Her mother always said she was being silly or over dramatic and her father would only tell her to buck up and be brave. Sam was the only one who seemed to know that her fears ran deeper than the normal disquiet of new or embarrassing situations. He had also been the one who had taught her how to get over them, for the most part anyway. He was the one who brought her to conventions full of grown people who would dress as their favorite cartoon, television or comic book character and not give a shit what anyone thought. Her immersion into that world, though difficult at first, eventually led her to be able to be more confident and though she would still feel the tug of irrational fear every now and then it was under control enough for her to function normally and not feel like she was about to go into cardiac arrest every time she thought something embarrassing was about to happen.
Until Santana that is. Every time the woman touched her she wanted so badly to go further while at the same time she was so very scared of being less than adequate as a lover she had to put a stop to things. Her anxiety was so high she worried she might give herself an ulcer, it was at levels she hadn't felt in years and it worried her because she was quite sure that if she couldn't find a way to get over it her newfound relationship wouldn't go very far.
"I don't know what to do," she confessed quietly.
"Did you try telling her?"
"Tell her I have panic attacks when she touches me? Are you insane? I'm lucky she didn't walk out when she found out about our campaigns and by the way thanks for inviting her without telling me," she snapped but they both knew it was without real anger.
"I knew she'd be cool with it," he said with a shrug, "but seriously you should let her know what's going on with you or else she might think you just aren't interested."
"Maybe," she said before finally killing Sam a final time and winning the match.
He scowled at the screen, "This is bullshit you know, if we were playing Soul Edge I would have kicked your ass."
"Unless you want to whip out the Playstation and dig out the game to prove me wrong I'm just gonna say that the results would be the same," she laughed and got up tossing the controller onto the couch and moving to her bedroom.
Sam huffed in irritation as he moved to switch games, "You working on Rachel's blouse again?"
"Yeah, I've been a bit behind with Santana and all."
He sniggered, "Man when you two do start going at it Rachel's going to need to find a new seamstress."
"Shut up," Brittany laughed understanding his insinuation that she would get over her fears and that she and Santana would thrive as a couple. Sam always knew how encourage her without it seeming forced or condescending, his dogged unwavering belief that she could get better always made her believe she could as well.
The question that had been plaguing Santana for the better part of the week was; how does one contact someone that doesn't technically exist during all hours of the day?
She hadn't seen Felicia since their initial talk at Applebee's and she was ready for the promised answers, but she had no idea how to contact the woman. Should she call Brittany and drop hints hoping her other half was listening in? Leave a note addressed only to Felicia on Rachel's door?
Sighing she rearranged the papers she wasn't really working on and looked out over her balcony to the city below trying to refocus on her work, but finding it nearly impossible. With so many questions and all the answers one mysterious person away there was no way to do her job with any sort of accuracy so she gave up and threw her papers on the small table.
At that moment someone knocked at her door and, glad for a distraction, she got up to answer it. Cautiously she looked through the peephole before opening the door and was surprised her to see Felicia standing there.
It shocked her to realize how quickly she identified her girlfriend's alternate self, a point that drove home how unlikely it was that this was something she was faking. It wasn't just her makeup, hair, clothing and lack of glasses that gave it away, it was in her every motion down to the very way she stood. Her stance was rigidly confident and her eyes were sharp, staring at something off to the right of the door. Even the way she brushed her hair out of her face was with more defined purpose than Brittany's timid gestures, the differences were what transfixed her leaving her rooted to the spot instead of opening the door.
However her presence had apparently not gone unnoticed, "You know if you take a picture it'll last longer. Open up and I can pose for you," Felicia said coolly staring straight at Santana through the peephole.
She pulled the door open to find Felicia standing in another too tight skirt and shirt combo, "Why don't you just use Brittany's clothes?"
"You don't like?" she asked with an exaggerated pout as she walked in.
"I-" she wanted to lie and say no, but she was quite sure Felicia would see through that. "It seems like it would be easier to wear her clothes than to go all the way out to Rachel's to change."
Felicia laughed, "I only take clothes from her house sometimes. When I need to move straight from home I take them from her closet at the apartment, she's Brittany's roommate remember?"
"Fine. Okay, I have some real questions for you and-"
"No, not doing that right now." Felicia growled agitatedly, "I want to go on a date."
Santana glared at her, "You promised to answer my questions."
"I promised to answer truthfully if I did, I never promised to actually answer, but I will," she added seeing the disgruntled look cross Santana's face, "just not right now. I want to be taken out somewhere nice and treated to something sweet after. Like ice cream or something."
Santana stared blankly, "Right now?"
"Yes, right now."
It was 3 pm on a Sunday so the request wasn't exactly outrageous however she had planned a small dinner with Brittany the next night and she really did have work to finish. There was also the chance that they could be seen and whether the person recognized Felicia as Brittany or not it could lead to a long list of complications.
"I don't know…"
Felicia sighed and moved towards the door, "Another time then."
"Wait!" Santana shouted out desperately, she needed answers and she could not let them walk out the door, "What if I make you something?"
That got her attention, "A homemade dinner?"
"I have the ingredients for lasagna how about that?" she asked hopefully.
"Hmmm, do you have any ice cream?"
"Chocolate and vanilla."
"Perfect!"
"Okay, so I'll get started," Santana said, resignedly as she walked into her kitchen to try and remember where everything was.
It had been ages since she had actually bothered to cook anything so complicated and honestly it was a stroke of pure luck she had the necessary ingredients to make the dish. They were all from completely different shopping trips, purchased for a variety of reasons, but here and now they had to come together into a meal that would keep Felicia in her apartment. At first she was a little lost, however she had cooked for herself a lot in college and as she pulled out her phone and looked up the recipe it all started to come back as she moved around the kitchen.
Soon Felicia grabbed a chair from the dining room and sat, watching her hawkishly from the kitchen doorway. Santana felt her eyes everywhere and it was quite distracting, making her almost drop the meat twice on its journey from her freezer.
Clearing her throat she tried to get back on track, "You said the other night that you had only recently become active. Why is that exactly?"
The blonde rolled her eyes, "Do we have to talk about that?"
"I really need some answers Felicia," Santana said seriously.
"How about this, for every question I answer you owe me five minutes of making out."
Santana almost dropped the sauce on the floor as she attempted to pour it into the pot, "I said no sex."
"I didn't say anything about sex, I said making out."
"Three minutes and no marks," she bartered.
"Four minutes and I'll agree to no marks, that's my final offer."
Santana thought about that for a moment, somehow the notion of Felicia having her hands on her in a purely PG-13 manner seemed more frustrating than her previous 'questions equals no sex' proposition.
"Okay, four," she agreed finally.
"I haven't taken control of this body in…" she trailed off thinking back, "Actually I'm not sure how long, six, seven years or so. After college I kind of went on hiatus."
She was curious as to the why of that, but was trying to be cautious of the number of questions asked. "If that was the case then why start up again? I mean I get that you were attracted to me, but why wait so long? Were you still sleeping, or dormant or whatever up until that night at Stellar?"
"For the most part I was fully aware of what was going over the years, but I promised myself a long time ago that I wouldn't interfere with Brittany's life like I had been. It was doing more harm than good. So, yeah, I saw you and wanted to jump your bones like right away, but I didn't and even though it was what Brittany really wanted too. I figured starting a relationship with her boss without her knowledge would just be me repeating old mistakes with the added bonus of possibly getting her fired. But then you showed up one night looking all lonely and told Brittany exactly what you wanted in a woman and we both know you described me. After that I couldn't resist."
"You showed up because of what I said?" she asked absently. "That wasn't my question to be clear," she added quickly. "Does that mean that I made her condition worse?"
Felicia wrinkled her nose, "I'm not a condition, and no nothing changed. I was always there and I could have done what I did at any point, with or without your encouragement."
That made her feel slightly better, "Okay now answer this one. Does anyone else know you exist and if not, how?"
Her blue eyes danced, "I'm counting that as two questions, do you want two answers?"
Santana gulped realizing she was dooming herself to another eight minutes under Felicia's talented hands and mouth without hope of release, but she nodded anyway, "Yes."
"There are people who know I exist but they only know me as Felicia, they've never met Brittany. Like my friend Puck back in Ohio, he makes my ID's and we go out partying together whenever I'm in town. I've known him since Sophomore year, but since we never went to the same school he never knew about my other half. He's a good friend and a good lay when the pickings are slim."
Santana had to juggle the garlic to keep it from hitting the floor, "You sleep with men?" she knew that one would cost her four more minutes, but she didn't care.
"I'm bisexual, whereas Brittany's an outright lesbian," she said with a shrug.
Santana desperately wanted to delve into that further, but decided to pace herself because at this rate she was going to question herself into spending all of Monday pinned under the blonde goddess. "Back to the original question," she said quietly.
"Hmm, the second part was how does no one know right?" When Santana nodded she chuckled. "Well that is a wasted question, I already told you I haven't been active for years. But to keep this one from being a total bust, before this, when I was running around the city no one knew because I never told them. For people who knew Brittany, if they ever spotted me, either thought I was someone else or thought it was her acting weird. Though we never hang out in the same spots so overlap is rare."
"That doesn't really answer it. I mean what about her parents? And Sam has known her since she was little so he must have noticed."
She smiled at that, "Not necessarily, I learned pretty quickly not to bother trying to convince people who knew Brittany of who I was. Her little sister thought it was a funny joke, Sam thought we were playing a Marvel heroes game and her parents… they don't listen well," she said slowly. "It's actually easier than you'd think to pull this off, but I always found it easier on the whole to just pass as her rather than bother differentiating myself to her boyfriends or girlfriends, but eventually it started to mess up her life rather severely so I went back to being my own person. I like things much better this way anyhow."
"Hold on, and this isn't another question, this is just clarification. I thought you said Brittany was a lesbian, just now you said she had girlfriends and boyfriends."
Felicia sighed and leaned back in her chair, "The boyfriends are from middle school. She was caught up in the confusion of youth and dating the sex she thought she was supposed to as opposed to the one she was attracted to."
"I see," Santana needed no further explanation, she completely understood, "What triggers you to come out?"
"I'm always around, though it is easier for me to take control if she's anxious, asleep or tipsy. If she's having an extremely hard time I might get pushed into consciousness, but that's only ever happened a handful of times so I guess if you want you could say that's the trigger."
Santana wanted to ask about what those times were, but she was working her way past half an hour and had to make her last few questions count, "You made her run into the light post on our date?"
A laugh rang out, "That was all Brittany. I think normally that level of humiliation would have caused a switch, but she was so resigned to never being good enough to impress you she was able to let it go."
Santana wasn't sure why, but she felt a little bad about that, "If you aren't summoned into consciousness by some sort of trigger then how does it work? How is it you know what's going on in her life, but she doesn't even know you're there?"
"I don't know, it's like asking how I breathe. I know my brain sends signals to my lungs, my nose draws in breath, my lungs fill and let it out. But, I have no clue how my brain actually gets that to happen I only know that it does. I don't really know why I know all about her and she knows nothing about me, that's just how it is."
She nodded, that made sense, "Why can you do math while Brittany can't?"
Felicia's eyes sparkled at she dug up the memory, "Brittany spent a lot of time sleeping in math class and there was this cute girl who sat across from us so I would try and talk to her. But I kept getting in trouble so I would have to listen and do the work to be able to try again later. But that bit me in the butt because after school Brittany's mom would never let us outside until her homework was done correctly. She could do everything but the math since I was the one who learned the material so I would take over and finish it. Things went on like that until college, once we were out of that house I quit the homework BS. I'm good at math but I hate doing it."
Santana nodded, thinking hard about whether or not she should ask the question. The all-consuming question that she had asked once and never received an answer to. What had caused this in the first place?
She wanted to know, but then again she didn't, because if it was anything like some of the horror stories she had read about for other cases of split personalities she wasn't sure she wanted to know. Or to invade Brittany's privacy in that way.
After a solid minute of silent cooking she concluded she had to know, there was no way around it.
"Felicia… what happened to Brittany?" she asked quietly.
The other woman considered her for a moment then smiled softly, "I'm afraid that answer will cost you more than four minutes. By itself it's worth a solid hour with at least the promise of some grinding."
Santana gave a pained look, "It's that bad," she mumbled to herself.
Felicia waved her hand in the air, "Actually no. It was for her, but I wouldn't say what happened to her was all that bad. Her reaction was… obviously."
It felt like a weight had removed from her shoulders, she was immensely glad it wasn't what she had feared, which was a dark tale of abuse at the hands of a trusted adult.
"Some other time then," she said returning to the simmering sauce.
"I've already secured forty four minutes of sweet lady kisses so either way works for me."
"Hold it, I only asked ten questions!"
"Eleven, you asked how Sam didn't notice me, I counted that one."
"That was an elaboration on the previous question!"
"Elaborations count," Felicia said airily.
"No they don't! You did it before and didn't count it!"
"You asked me not to."
"Well, I'm asking you not to count both!" she snapped.
"You would have had to have done that before I answered. Besides are you really going to fight me over four minutes?" she asked licking her lips. "I promise I'll make you glad you asked every single question."
Santana visibly shivered and went back to her work, "Fine forty four, but not a second more, I'm putting you on a timer."
The blonde laughed again and rose to join Santana at the stove, wrapping her arms around the smaller woman from behind and kissing her neck softly, "I hope you have it nearby."
Spinning away Santana pointed her stirring spoon like a weapon to keep them separated, "I'm cooking, you have to behave while I'm doing this or I'll burn down my apartment."
"Only if you feed me my dinner."
Santana groaned, "Does everything have to be a negotiation?"
"As long as you're withholding sexytimes and kisses, yes."
Santana could not argue that logic, "I'll feed you, but your hands stay at your side until after dinner."
Felicia smiled and pranced off to the dining room to sit and wait patiently, Santana turned back to the food and contemplated the answers she had gotten while trying not to feel excited trepidation about the debt she owed.
It had been Santana's firm belief that the forty four minutes at the mercy of Felicia had been the most torturous of her life. The things that woman could do with her tongue… she could pick a random spot and make it into an erogenous zone. She'd had Santana whimpering, desperate to break her own rules after what felt like hours, and when the brunette had looked up to see only three minutes had passed she thought she was done for.
But she made it.
The whole time she managed not to go below the waist and kept her fingers above Felicia's scant clothing, though she had grabbed hungrily at the exposed flesh she was able to keep herself in check. The pleasure she was given combined with the intimate knowledge of how much better it could get had been exhilarating and frustrating to the point of being maddening.
It wasn't until after her date with Brittany the next day, when they had retired back to her apartment, that she realized what maddening really was. Maddening was making out with a woman who she was technically allowed to go all the way with, but stalling at a point even further back than she had managed with Felicia.
Brittany had wonderful breasts, they were incredibly soft and malleable, she loved the feel of them in her hands, and she was allowed by both women to handle them as she pleased. But Felicia wanted her hands under her clothes and Santana had to fight all forty four minutes to keep things from going too far whereas Brittany pulled away every time she ventured under her shirt and got close to the hem of her bra. It was a weird role reversal and it was making her literally insane.
However, she respected Brittany's wish to take things slow, and Santana was still set on trying to find an easy out of this relationship meaning that keeping things above the shirt was best.
Realistically stopping all together was best, but she could not talk herself into doing that just yet.
Instead she let herself kiss Brittany until they were both out of breath and then lean in to do it again. Felicia was all about being hot and heavy, but Brittany was slow and meticulous in a way that was equally arousing and it was this method that allowed Santana to get lost in her. Somewhere between Brittany straddling her and the soft kisses and gentle touches she would forget herself and push farther. And that was what was happening to her now, she forgot herself as she let her hands slide up Brittany's thighs. The woman moaned into their kiss and Santana felt her pulse grow more erratic as her hands moved up far enough to feel the heat radiating from between her legs. Instinctively she pressed her thumb to the center of that heat, but the surprised lurch and the pained sound that erupted from Brittany that was part gasp part moan snapped her out of her trance long enough to let her know she had gone too far again.
Embarrassed that she couldn't control herself any better she covered her eyes and flopped back onto the couch. "Fuck, Brittany I'm sorry," she panted trying to get her head to clear.
She shook her head, "No, I am. I know I shouldn't be so s-stuck but-"
Santana sat up again and gave her a silencing kiss, "You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with and it's clear you still aren't comfortable."
"Sorry," she muttered as she slid off Santana's lap.
"Don't be. I'm sorry I can't keep my hands in the PG zone." Santana said, still panting heavily and wishing she could discreetly take a cold shower. "Maybe," she paused to take a calming breath, "Maybe we should do something else, like I don't know Scrabble or something?"
"Okay," Brittany said equally out of breath.
Santana hopped up and grabbed the aforementioned game, bringing it back to the living room while turning on all the lights she could to kill the sexually charged atmosphere they had created.
"Are you any good at this?" she asked conversationally.
Brittany ducked her head, "Not really."
"Me either so it should be fair," she said with a chuckle.
That made the other woman perk up a little and in no time Santana had the board and tiles all set out for them to pick. Brittany tilted her head to the side as she surveyed her options and seemed to consider every tile carefully before she chose it, even though there was no way for her to tell what letter it had. Santana watched with a small smile at how everything she did was with care, Brittany was the total opposite of Felicia and she could no longer pretend it wasn't fascinating.
Scrabble was supposed to have been a way to keep her from taking their relationship too far or crossing a line she wasn't supposed to. Instead it became a fun spirited game that had her wondering why she didn't play board games all the time. And it was not lost on Santana that this was the second time she had found an unusual pleasure in something simple with Brittany.
As the blonde stared steadily at the board while tacking 'uni' in front of Santana's previously played 'corn' with her brow furrowed in a look of intense concentration Santana decided that there really was no rush. Their relationship wasn't exactly taking leaping bounds forward and didn't seem like it would anytime soon. For the moment she was enjoying Brittany's company and there was no need to ruin that by breaking up with her now.
Brittany was at the very least a good friend to have and a unique one at that, besides she still didn't have the whole story on her. On top of wanting to help she needed to know what was at the heart of Brittany's problem and she was pretty sure Felicia would clam up if she broke things off with Brittany. So in the interest of Brittany's health and their continued friendship Santana decided that it was for the best that they stay together a little while longer.
And when she saw the way her face bloomed into a smile when she realized she could tack 'bow' on the end of 'rain' it made her wonder if it was really that big a deal to date someone who had split personalities.
A/N: When it comes to DID the main thing to remember is that every case is unique, there are similar symptoms across the board, but even then what those are is argued over by authorities on the subject. So Felicia's account of what is happening is how her experience works, but it isn't how they all are. Some with DID do have specific triggers for their alters, in a lot of cases it's stress/axiety (or a specific person or thing that causes it). Some like Brittany don't necessarily have something definitive that will automatically cause the other personalities to come out.
In all the cases I know of the alters have a complete (or nearly complete) knowledge of their hosts life (though not necessarily each others if there is more than one).
People with DID aren't often initially treated for it, usually they will seek help for exhaustion, anxiety, memory loss or a list of other symptoms, in the course of treatment their psychiatrist would diagnose the disorder. So to answer a common question, yes it is completely possible to have DID for years and never know it. I mean really who would naturally jump to that conclusion?
It is even harder to detect if the alter(s) want to keep their existence hidden, which happens from time to time.
I think one of the scariest parts of the disorder is that the dominant personality may not in fact be the real one, the original may have retreated inside themselves and only appear briefly at random intervals. There are cases of alters that go to a psychiatrist seeking to rid themselves of an 'alternate personality' that is actually the original. Which, I think, would totally suck...
