Dedicated to carriemehome. My apologies if it falls short of your original request.
It took me forever to write this little piece. It started off so technical that several of my friends were cross-eyed by the third sentence. A few rewrites later, we have this little bit of madness. Enjoy.
Keep in mind, most of these would've been written at or before the beginning of Naruto and updated/edited as necessary afterward.
Disclaimer: This site is called Fan Fiction dot net. If you cannot figure out from that that the following is a work of fan fiction, and the characters and the setting do not belong to Khalida-dae, please contact your village head and inform him/her that your village is no longer missing its idiot. If you fail to understand the above, print this out, sign it, and take it to the nearest tattoo parlor.
Dear Tattoo Artist,
I've found the village idiot. Please tattoo IDIOT in block print on my forehead.
Sincerely,
Your Signature Here!
Fiscal Responsibility
By Kakuzu
Edited and Maintained by Kisame
Edited by Pain
Revisions by Madara
As a member of Akatsuki, you, and only you, are responsible for tracking personal expenditures, filling out reimbursement forms, and submitting those forms for approval. No form, no approval! Keep in mind, we do not spend our money lightly. Each member receives a monthly stipend for food, clothing, and shelter. When combined with your partner's stipend, the amount is more than sufficient to provide adequate lodging and food. There is no reimbursement for food, shelter, or clothing. Use your stipend. For all other expenses, please fill out the form at the end of this document. More than sufficient? He calls barely being able to get a haystack for the night sufficient! He's insane! The miserly little pittance he doles out isn't enough to feed a small goldfish, much less two grown men! As painful as it to admit, you are right. Stop complaining, Pain. At least your partner's female. All Akatsuki members will be completely reimbursed for out of pocket lodging, food, clothing, and weapons expenses incurred while on assigned missions. For all other expenses, you're on your own. Due to Kakuzu's demise, the monthly stipend is no longer in effect. Please use the generous mission accounts setup for each team. Karin, we will not reimburse you for the resort. Just for the record, I do not now, nor will I ever, desire your genes mixed with my bloodline, so don't expect reimbursement for any future seduction attempts. In fact, I'd highly recommend that you think prior to submitting any more spurious requests. You may want to refrain from calling him a senile old bat, as well. That would be advisable.
All members are required to deposit their pay in one of Akatsuki's numerous investment accounts. Allow me to translate. This means you never see your paycheck. Kakuzu takes your paycheck and 'invests' it. Now, there is little distinction between his personal accounts and the organization's accounts, so I highly doubt you will ever actually see your paycheck. He doesn't take mine or Konan's. News Flash, Leader. He takes everyone else's. It's like being an indentured servant. Kakuzu, I realize not everyone has lived as long as we have. Thus, they may lack the cash reserves necessary to support an adequate lifestyle. Give them their money, as in withdraw it from the bank, count it out, place it in their hands, and allow them to walk away. Before you ask, no, you may not simply create clones of the members and give the money to the clone who would then return it to you. Kisame, I hope this satisfies you. You forgot to mention the interest… Revise the above to include all monies and the interest accrued on them held for any member of the organization. Happy now, Kisame? Quite.
All members are responsible for identifying new financial opportunities. Common opportunities are bounties, potential missions, extortion opportunities, blackmail, protection offerings, information gathering/sales, theft, and investment opportunities. As some members are unclear what constitute the above, allow me to clarify.
Bounties are the most wonderful opportunity. You chase down your subject and deliver them for the required fee. This is an easy way to make money! Please note, if the bounty requires that the subject be alive and you deliver them dead, you will not be paid. I recommend the dead or alive scenario. If you can tolerate the stench, dead bodies are blessedly silent and trouble-free, as opposed live ones. The live ones will do anything to save their necks including offering you cash. If you have one of these, take the cash. Release them. Track them back down a few minutes later and deliver them to the client. Getting paid multiple times is never a bad thing! Keep in mind that as an organization filled with S-class criminals, you always have ample bounty opportunities at your fingertips. Itachi and Deidara both have a wonderful knack for ticking off entire villages in thirty seconds or less, and the bounties on their heads reflect this. Unfortunately, not all members have high bounties. Madara, Pain, Konan, and Zetsu do not have known bounties at this time, but I expect that to change in the near future. Under no circumstances will you or anyone else collect a bounty on a current member. If you are attempting to collect one on Orochimaru, I get him first! No member may collect a bounty on a jinchuriki! In response to Kisame's recent inquiry regarding Sasuke's bounty, yes, Kisame, if you can persuade Sasuke to peacefully accompany you to either Sound or Leaf, I see no reason why you shouldn't collect his bounty, provided the escape plan for both of you is fool proof. Oddly enough, I'm okay with this idea. Just keep the annoying brats out of my way!
All potential missions must be approved by senior management before they are accepted. We will accept any mission, including menial D-rank tasks like dog walking, if the price is high enough. All potential missions must be listed out and reported to Leader on a weekly basis. I prefer a spreadsheet with the following columns: Date Requested, Requestor, Pay, Mission Description, Mission Ranking. Finding potential missions is relatively easy. You should use your spies in various villages and steal the missions from the village.
Extortion opportunities are easy to identify. Walk into any business, identify yourself as Akatsuki, and offer to not destroy the premises if they will pay your fee. You must actually be willing to follow through with your threat! Deidara, it is not ethical to accept the money and blow up the establishment. You must choose one or the other. The Organization has a reputation to maintain, and your recent actions damaged it! Until further notice, all extortion opportunities must be cleared with a senior member. Senior members are Pain, Konan, Zetsu, Kisame, and Madara. We know who we have established relationships with and who we don't. Until you learn this, you may not engage in extortion.
Blackmail is just as valid in adult life as it was during childhood, and the same principles apply. Take pictures or video or steal damaging documents. Then, offer to not reveal the documents to whomever your target is concealing the information from in exchange for money. Overtime, escalate the price, but keep in mind that your subject must be able to pay the price. Blackmail works best on kages, daimyos, heads of criminal organizations, and the second-in-commands of the previous.
Protection offerings are similar to extortion opportunities except the you are being paid money to prevent someone else from attacking. Itachi, Kakuzu would like me to remind you that dango coupons are not an acceptable form of currency. In the future, please demand cash, as opposed to a five year's supply of dango. Hey! At least we can eat dango. Ever tried getting money out of Kakuzu?! What was that… a 'no'… I didn't think you had! In light of Itachi's demise, the dango coupons are now in the community kitchen, top drawer next to the refrigerator. Members are encouraged to demand cash, but goods are acceptable.
Information gathering/sales (aka spying) is an excellent way to acquire additional cash. All information is for sale, and we do expect you to sell that information to the highest bidder. All information is not for sale. If you sell any information on Akatsuki, our members, activities, or personal hobbies, we will personally hunt you down and mount your head on a spike overlooking Rain's main gate. Pain, please keep a spike reserved for this purpose. Kisame, after much discussion, Madara and I have decided it is permissible to sell pictures of Suigetsu in his SpongeBob underwear. Yes! There is a god!
Theft is generally not a good way to acquire money, unless you are stealing money. If you must steal, please do not steal rare items. The rarer the item, the harder it is to sell. Items have no value to the organization unless they can be easily sold. Please do not steal the following: rare scrolls, rare jewels, and rare weapons. No live animals either!
Investment opportunities are my specialty. These include currency markets, bonds, stocks, corporate lending, small start-ups, and other market oriented investments. If you become aware of one of these, please bring it to my attention via letter. I will not discuss your pathetic attempts at investing in person. The letter should include the name of the company/individual, their contact information, and a brief business description. You are not qualified to determine whether or not an investment is suitable, and I neither need nor want your opinion. Do not offer it! Someone was a bit full of himself. Presently, Zetsu and I are acting joint treasurers. Please bring all investment opportunities to our attention and provide as much analysis as possible on the investment. Thank you.
— Reimbursement Form —
The Reimbursement Form should be submitted for each item you purchased, not each receipt. If there are multiple items on a receipt, you must submit multiple forms. Staple the original receipt to the back of the Reimbursement Form. Photocopies may be used for subsequent forms.
Name
Date Form Submitted
Date of Purchase
Purchase Location
Item Description
Expenditure Justification Why was the purchase necessary?
Three Nearest Shops within a 100 Mile Radius Who Carry Said Item and Their Price for Said Item
For Administrative Use Only
Approved/Denied/Returned for Further Information
Failure to fill out this form in accordance with the instructions will result in a denied request. All decisions are final. If you request is denied, you may not resubmit the above paperwork!
In the past, stapling your receipt to the front of the form was grounds for denial. Honestly, I do not care were the staple goes. Please put all items on the same form. The above was Kakuzu's attempt to deny every request. Too true! He actually told me that even though I have six active bodies, I only needed to clothe one! It's not like you couldn't afford to buy the clothing. He wasn't appropriating your paycheck. As entertaining as this is, this is not the appropriate forum. If you two wish to reminisce, do it on your time, not mine.
