Trials of the Heart

Chapter 9 - Not So Perfect: Leila

The wait was the worst thing. As the train made its way through the countryside winding through the trees. Leila rested her cheek on her scrunched up fist watching the fields flick past the window vanishing in the blink of an eye.

Running away full stop had probably not been the best of plans after her Nan's collapse but then deciding to vanish to London for a casting had probably been an even worse idea. She knew she was acting selfishly but sometimes distance was a good thing. Things never seem so bad or so real if they are happening miles away.

She wasn't going to stay. She was just going to pop in. See her. Check she was still breathing with her own eyes. Maybe sit with her for awhile. Apologise repeatedly. Explain about the great opportunities she was being given in London an how she hoped to be able to help support the family with the money she was going to be earning from the shoots.

And then she'd be on the next train back, putting some distance between herself and reality before reality could bite back and make her realise exactly how serious the situation was.

She felt so guilty for not visiting. Even guiltier for being so far away. She had been so worried that her condition would have worsened that she had waited three days before ringing the ward to check up. She had been relieved to be told her Nan was completely stable

At least that was the benefit of ICU. No limits on the visiting times. She could appear at ten o'clock when her brother was nowhere in sight and visit her alone. Leila pushed open the chipped wooden door and peered in carefully. She felt rather ashamed partially for taking so long to come back to visit, partially because she was sneaking in after dark to avoid bumping into any other members of the family.

She was rather ashamed about how she had abandoned them. Even more embarrassed about the nasty words she had used against her little sister and the slight screaming match in the middle of the hospital with her brother.

Leila scowled slightly as the younger girl scratched at her arm. She still couldn't get why anyone would cut themselves, why would you want to damage your skin so badly and cause so many unnecessary scars. She was almost ashamed to be in her presence as they took the lift from the emergency department up to ICU.

She didn't let her disgust show as they walked in a companionable silence down the corridors following the arrows towards ICU where Jay was pacing the corridor sipping on a coffee having obviously been told he wasn't allowed any drinks in the unit.

"How is she?" Ellie asked worriedly looking up at her big brother nervously as they approached.

"Stable." He replied simply still lost deep on his thoughts.

"Which bed is she…" Ellie started reaching towards the door handle.

"No." Jay snapped suddenly grabbing her wrist tightly.

"Let go!" Ellie panicked squirming in his grasp.

"Go home!" Jay hissed

"No I want to see her!" Ellie protested but he tightened his grip on her wrist.

"Go away. Your not going anywhere near her!" He said defensively

"Don't talk to us like that!" Ellie yelled back angrily "She's our Nan too and we have the right to see her!"

"Just.." He took a short sharp breath "Just go cut yourself." Jay hissed in a tone neither sister had heard him use ever before.

Ellie recoiled. Shock evident on her face. Leila didn't stand up for her sister but she didn't back down, she stood tall.

"Get the hell out of here!" Jay spat "The pair of you! This is exactly what she doesn't need!"

"You may be our brother but you aren't our dad!" Leila told him angrily "You have no right to order us about!"

"Well right now I'm the responsible one here…" He started

"That's questionable, you are acting like child!" Leila responded and he glared at her as he drained his cup.

"Don't let me catch you in here…" He said throwing his empty plastic cup on the floor and vanishing inside.

Ellie ran tears rolling down her face. Leila sighed peering through the door's window into the ICU and staring at her brothers back as he slumped against the bed she pondered walking in but then turned away, she wasn't sure she wanted to see the state her Nan was in anyway. So she followed her younger sister away.

As she entered the ward and headed over to her Nan's bedside she was hit by the smell of disinfectant. The steady rhythmical beeping noise of the machines filled her ears and the roar of the breathing apparatus overwhelmed her.

The nurse in charge had pointed her to the bed in the corner, she approached nervously ignoring the slight glare of the nurse who seemed annoyed with her visiting so late and peered over at the bed warily, unsure of what she was about to see.

Her breath caught in her throat as she finally saw her. It choked her and made her eyes fill with tears. Her Nan was hardly recognisable, it was only as she got closer that she was able to make out the familiar features beneath the mask but even then she didn't look quite the same. Wires and tubes were everywhere and they were in such a tangle she was surprised the doctors and nurses were actually able to distinguish between them and work out what each one was.

It was the first time she realised Jay's job as a nurse was not quite as simple as she had always thought it to be. She had believed that doctors did the hard part treating the patients while the nurses just patched up the wounds and kept an eye on the patients in the wards, with so much equipment they must have to have a level of knowledge. The sheer amount of equipment being used on her Nan alone was ridiculous, She wondered for a moment if Jay knew the names and functions of each little piece of equipment and a wave of sadness encompassed her.

It was almost like looking at someone she didn't know at all and the fact that her eyes were closed only made it harder to recognise her. She looked peaceful in a rather spooky sense as the moonlight from the window flickered across her face, her chest rising and sinking rhythmically.

She closed her fingers around the side of the bed and lent over placing a kiss on her forehead as the breathing mask was covering her face keeping her alive. She stood up straight and smiled slightly as she noticed the little worn rabbit teddy tucked into the sheets. It was a sign her little sister had been here and it made her relax for some reason. She took a seat in the chipped chair and examined her surroundings warily.

"Sorry I haven't been to see you sooner." She licked her lips nervously. "Jay was being a bit… Protective. Of you or us that's anyone guess…" She watched her chest rise and fall for a moment. "I know I shouldn't have runaway. I know you'd be screaming at me for being so petty and stupid if you were awake right now but its for a good reason. To start with I just needed the space but now I've got several shoots booked in London. I'm going to be making some money so I can finally contribute to the family. I can support everyone once your awake again." She announced proudly. "I know you don't approve of my modelling. But I am finally earning enough money to pay my own way and I know you would be proud of that."

Tears were suddenly flowing down her face.

"Please be proud of me Nan, I'm doing this for the family as much as for myself. I enjoy it and I'm good at it. I'm going to be successful. Not like Mum. I am not turning into her. Not ever."

She wiped at the tears as she stood up. Kissing her goodbye on the forehead sadly. She may look perfect but she was not so perfect really. She had just as many insecurities as the her brother and sister and she was worried that her Nan would never be proud of her.