Hello my lovely readers! I know I was supposed to have this up last week, and I'm sorry it's late. I hope you'll forgive me.
By the way, I went to see New Moon yesterday. I have to say, I was NOT disappointed. It was so amazing! If you haven't gone to see it yet, I strongly suggest you do. I'm a way bigger fan of the books than of the films, but New Moon was so true to the book. Kristen Stewart's acting was just phenomenal; she made me cry like a baby. She's seriously my girl crush. GO SEE NEW MOON!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its fuckhawt characters. I just have fun playing around with them. Everything is property of Stephenie Meyer.
*
BPOV
I swallowed convulsively as Edward and Mike walked toward us. They seemed to be moving in slow motion, and it was agonizing. With every step he took, Edward's expression grew even more confused. With every step he took, my heartbeat picked up, beating faster and faster until I thought it would leap right out of my chest. I was terrified, and yet, I still found myself in awe at how beautiful he looked in his charcoal gray suit. He looked like he just stepped off the set of a GQ cover shoot.
When they reached us, Tyler stepped forward to embrace Edward in a man hug. "I don't believe it! Edward Cullen. How've you been? I haven't seen you in years."
Edward patted his back noncommittally, his eyes never leaving me. "I'm good."
I shifted my eyes to Alice anxiously, desperate to escape his penetrating eyes. Alice's eyes were still frozen wide and locked on Edward. I returned my gaze to him just in time to catch him following my glance to Alice. His eyebrows knit together even more, to the point where they almost seemed to become one. He looked back to me, questions burning in his emeralds.
Mike must've noticed the loaded glances, because he chose that moment to jump in. "Do you two know each other?"
Edward opened his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. "No, not at all." Edward's eyes narrowed skeptically.
"Well, ladies, this is my old friend Edward Cullen." Mike said.
I reached out and grabbed his hand from where it hung at his side, shaking it. I looked straight into his eyes, hoping he would be able to see the pleading in mine.
"I'm Sophia. It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Cullen." His top lip twitched and his eyes narrowed even more. I could see the frustration taking over confusion as the dominant emotion on his face.
I had to actually use effort to pull my hand from his grasp. After I yanked my hand away as stealthily as I could manage, his hand just stayed there in the same position, hanging in midair. His eyes were intense and probing.
Alice grabbed his hand then, and he shifted his eyes to look down at her, releasing mine for the moment.
"I'm Rachel." Alice said sweetly, but I knew her well enough to hear the tension in her voice.
"Sophia and Rachel?" Edward said hoarsely, looking back and forth between the two of us.
"Yes. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Cullen." Alice answered.
Mike moved to my side and put his hand on the small of my back, a little lower than was necessary. I jumped at the sudden contact amidst the extreme tension that had built up in my muscles. I didn't miss the way Edward's eyes flashed when they flickered to Mike's arm.
"What've you been up to, Cullen?"
"I don't think I've seen you since the summer after graduation." Tyler added.
"Yeah, I know." Edward answered, and finally tore his gaze away from me to look at the guys. I folded my arms across my chest and gnawed on my bottom lip, all tension.
"Uh, me and Rose opened up an auto body business in Brooklyn. I just moved into my own place. So, yeah, everything's…everything's great." Edward's eyes seemed to flick back to me every time he blinked.
"That's awesome, Edward. I'm happy for you man." Tyler said.
"Thanks."
"So, you're living in New York now, huh? When did you move out here?"
"Like five years ago."
"Huh. What about Tanya? I bet you two are still together, right?" Mike asked.
It made no sense, given the situation, but a wave of annoyance spread through me at Mike's question. Who the hell is Tanya? Obviously his ex-girlfriend. And apparently, they had been pretty serious, if Mike had expected them to still be together. Am I… jealous?
"No. Tanya and I broke up a few years back."
"Really? I thought you guys would be together forever."
Edward shrugged. "Guess not. Look… I have to go out for a smoke. I'll see you later." He half turned his body to walk away.
"Want me to come out with you?" Mike asked. "I mean, dude, it's been years. We have some catching up to do."
"Maybe some other time, okay? I just… I really have to go." He said as he backed away from us.
"All right." Mike answered, confused. "Later."
With one last, hard look at me, Edward turned around and strode briskly away from us, out the open doors.
Alice grabbed my arm and leaned into me. "You go do damage control. I'll hold down the fort." She whispered.
I nodded at her and turned to Mike with what I hoped was a smile. "I'm going to go freshen up."
"Don't be too long." He said low in my ear.
"I'll be fast." His hand slid down my back and he palmed my ass as I walked away.
As soon as I was out the doors and into the lobby, I whipped my head around frantically, searching. I caught sight of a flash of bronze and gray disappearing behind the door to the stairwell. I ran toward the door, almost barreling straight into a group of women as I did so, and yanked it out of my way. Just as I got inside the stairwell, I saw the minute light from the floor below diminish with a subsequent slam of the heavy metal door. Damn, that man is fast.
In that moment, I was glad the party was taking place on the second floor of the hotel and not the umpteenth. I ran down the steps to the bottom landing, taking the steps two at a time. I really shouldn't have been doing that, and I was lucky I didn't go tumbling to my death.
There were two doors at the bottom of the stairwell, and I chose the one to my right, figuring he would've went outside rather than into the main lobby of the hotel. I burst through the door into the alley and looked around. Sure enough, I was right. He was several feet ahead of me, stalking off toward the street, one hand shoved in his hair.
"Edward!" I called, running after him as fast as I could in my heels. "Edward, wait!"
His stride slowed, but he didn't stop walking. I finally caught up to him, panting loudly. "Edward, look, I can-"
He turned around abruptly and closed the last few feet between us. "What the fuck was that?"
I flinched back from the force of the fuming anger on his face. It was the first time I'd ever seen him this angry, the first time he'd ever raised his voice to me.
"I'm sorry. I know you weren't expecting to see me here, and I-"
He snorted. "No, I was expecting to see you here. Or at least, I wanted to." I furrowed my eyebrows. "With me. I asked you to come here last week."
My eyebrows shot up. I felt so guilty. "Here? This is… fuck!" I finished quietly.
"What are you doing here, Bella? And who the fuck is Sophia? That's the second time I've heard you being called by that name, and I want to know why."
"Look, I promise I'll explain everything later. I just need you to go along with it for right now."
"Go along with it? So, pretend I don't know who you are?"
"Yes." I said evenly.
He looked at me in disbelief. "You're serious? What the fuck is going on?"
"I will tell you everything, but not right now, okay? I just need you to-" Trust me. I couldn't say it. The words got stuck in my throat. I recovered, clearing my throat. "I need you to be patient and go along with this. Please."
His eyes widened. "Bella-"
"For me. Edward, please."
He ran his hand through his hair. "You'll tell me everything?"
"Later." I nodded.
He stared at me for a long moment, his forehead creased in agitation, his eyes smoldering, even in the poorly lit alley. Then, he exhaled loudly and shook his head infinitesimally, as if to clear it. He suddenly started undoing the buttons on the front of his suit jacket, then pulled his arms out of the sleeves. He walked over and draped it over my shoulders.
"You should get inside. You're going to get sick, standing out here dressed like that." His voice was bleak, and as freezing cold as the air outside.
I hadn't even realized how raw the air was; I had been too busy concentrating on getting to Edward. I shivered reflexively.
"Come on." He put his hand on my back and urged me toward the door.
Instead of drawing back, I leaned into the contact of his hand on me. I glanced up at his face; I'd never seen him like this before, but I could read the emotions on his face as well as if they were my own. His eyes were locked forward, cold and hard as stones; his jaw was clenched tight, and his nostrils were flared ever so slightly. It was too controlled. Rigid. He was beyond angry. I quickly looked away from his face, recoiling from his severe expression.
When we got into the stairway, I started up the stairs, expecting him to follow. I stopped when I realized the only footsteps I heard were my own. I turned around and looked down at him where he stood, at the foot of the stairs, one hand shoved in his hair. His other hand was gripping the railing, and he was looking up at me. It was too dark to see his expression.
"Aren't you coming?" My voice echoed through the vacant space, lingering deafeningly in the long silence that followed.
"No." He said finally, low and breathy. "I already turned in my father's donation. I can't just be there and-" He exhaled in a frustrated huff. He didn't make a move to finish his sentence.
I chewed my bottom lip. "Okay. Ah, I guess I'll see you at home." I shrugged out of his jacket and held it out to him.
He snapped his head up to look at me levelly. "Yeah, you will." It was almost threatening. He took his jacket and turned to open the door.
The obscured moonlight from outside gleamed silver beams on his copper tresses. He glanced back at me once more, and then he was gone. The door slammed shut, loud and resonate in the empty stairwell, taking the light with it. All he left behind was a cold gust of wind, and darkness. I shuddered, and turned to make my way back up to the benefit, feeling strangely off balance.
*
Alice, Tyler, and Mike had already taken their seats at a table when I got back upstairs. Mike stood up and pulled the chair out for me to sit down, while Alice cocked a worried eyebrow. I pointedly kept my eyes on the tablecloth.
Throughout the rest of the evening, I tried to keep a fake smile on my face, to keep up appearances. I smiled my way through the speeches and the auction, clapping when necessary, laughing when appropriate.
When it was time for dinner, I pushed my food around the plate rather than eat it. My stomach was in knots. If someone happened to look at me, though, I would take a small bite just to keep them from asking. From the wavering looks Alice shot me, I guessed I wasn't doing a very good job of acting normal. It seemed fitting, since every time I tried to smile, it felt like a grimace.
As much as I tried to keep my focus on the task at hand –my job- my mind had other ideas. My thoughts kept wandering back to Edward; the look on his face when he first saw me here, the anger in his voice when I caught up with him outside. And worse, what the fuck was I going to tell him? I knew he would most likely be at my door first thing in the morning, demanding an explanation. How was I supposed to tell him that I was a call girl?
Or would I even tell him?
I knew he deserved the truth, but I was selfish. I proved that when I told him I couldn't be with him, but that I still wanted him in my life. And I would prove that selfishness again if I could, because I didn't want him to hate me.
I found myself trying to scrape up some passable excuse to tell him. But I wasn't a very good liar, and I was coming up blank. Maybe this was my subconscious telling me to stop hiding from myself. Edward was in my life now, I had forced him to be a part of my life, and now I needed to give him the choice. Being truthful was my only option, and I hated it.
After the benefit was over, Mike and I took the elevator up to the hotel room. His hands were all over me as soon as the door closed, his lips kissing my neck, his hands moving up and down my sides, pushing me back toward the bed. It took a lot of effort for me to pretend to be into it.
Being with Mike was hard, not only because my numbness was completely nonexistent as of late, but because he knew Edward. That connection that he had to him, however they knew each other, made me feel guilty for some reason I couldn't explain.
His hands felt too rough on me, squeezed me too tight. His breath was hot and uncomfortable on my face and neck. His actions were too fast and drilling as he moved over me, hasty, like a jackrabbit. I had to bite the inside of my cheek just to get myself through it. The only thing that kept me from jumping up and running out of the room was the fact that this was my job, and I had to do it. It was an appalling experience, because I felt it too completely. I faked my way through an orgasm, and as soon as we were done, I pulled on my street clothes, got my cash, and left.
*
It was only just before three in the morning when I got off the subway, and I was grateful that I would get a few good hours of sleep before having to face Edward. The ride home gave me some time to clear my head and think, but I could still find no solution other than telling him the truth. I knew it was the right thing to do, and I was scared, but determined to do it.
The elevator doors slid open in front of me, and for a second, I honestly considered pressing the button to bring me back down to the lobby. I took a deep breath and stepped into the fourth floor hallway, looking at the floor as I walked. I heard an exasperated sigh, and my steps faltered because I recognized the sound. I raised my head, and thoroughly wasn't expecting what awaited me.
Still in his suit, but significantly more disheveled, Edward sat on the hallway floor with his back pressed against the wall, next to my door. His long legs were sprawled out in front of him, arms resting against his knees, his suit jacket strewn on the floor beside him. He had his tie loosened and his white shirt untucked from his pants, the top two buttons undone. His hair was even more of a mess than usual; my guess was it was from pulling his fingers through it repeatedly.
He looked so fucking sexy, it would've been damn near impossible to resist grabbing him by the hair and pulling him into my apartment, if not for one thing. The look on his face was livid. The anger he had controlled earlier was now plain and in full force on his face.
I studied the floor intently as I walked around him to my door, feeling his eyes on me. In my peripheral vision, I saw him get to his feet. I pulled my keys out of my bag and concentrated on unlocking the door.
"Okay. Let's talk." He said.
"Can't this wait until morning? It's late, and I'm tired. I don't feel up to talking right-"
He scoffed. "You're tired? I chain smoked my way through a pack and a half of cigarettes, sat in this hallway waiting for you to get home for hours, all the while having to think about what you could possibly be doing with Mike fucking Newton of all people, and now you're not up to talking? Too fucking bad."
I knew he had every right to be angry, but his antagonism set me off. I whipped around to face him. "What the fuck do you care, anyways?"
*
EPOV
I barked a laugh at her. Was she serious? What the fuck did I care?
"You know exactly why I care. Now, who the hell is Sophia?"
"Keep your voice down!" She hissed. I glared at her for a moment, then shoved past her into her apartment. "Sure, Edward, come on in." I heard her mumble as she followed me in and shut the door.
I walked into the living room, dropped my jacket on the couch, and crossed my arms over my chest, waiting. I heard her drop her keys with a 'clank' into the little bowl on the hallway table. She came into the living room, and dropped her purse on to the coffee table. Without a glance, she walked past me, hooking her heels off her feet and putting them into the closet. She finally turned toward me, her hands working the pins out of her hair, her face wary.
"Start talking." I said.
She sighed and her hands dropped from her hair. "I don't know where to start."
"You told me you couldn't go with me because you had to work. Start there."
She ran a hand through her hair, raking it out of its stiff style to hang wildly around her face. "I wasn't lying. That was the truth."
"But you were there." I pointed out.
"I was. Working."
"I don't understand." I said, shaking my head.
"I know." She whispered.
I walked forward and put my hands on her shoulders. Her crumpled stature was depleting my anger. Now, I was just painfully curious. I needed to know.
"Then help me understand."
She looked up at me, taking her bottom lip in between her teeth. "I don't want you to hate me."
"That's not going to happen."
She scoffed. "You say that now." She pushed my hands off her shoulders and started pacing across the room.
I took a deep breath, trying to hold back the anger that was building back up in my chest at her evasiveness.
"How do you know Mike?" I asked her slowly.
She stopped pacing, and stood with her back toward me, looking out the window into the blackened night. "I just met him tonight. How do you know him?"
"We went to high school together."
"Ah." She said.
"You just met him tonight, but you were at the benefit with him." This was starting to feel like pulling teeth.
"Yes." Her back was still to me.
I was getting more and more aggravated with her short, nondescript answers. I walked over and put my hand on her shoulder, turning her around to face me.
"Bella, you're giving me nothing here." I ran a hand through my hair, for what felt like the billionth time that night. "Okay. Who is Sophia?"
"Sophia is me. It's my… working… name." She said carefully.
Working name? "So, what? Are you, like, an undercover cop? A PI? Witness protection program? What?"
She snorted and looked down at the floor. "Wrong side of the law."
I sighed in frustration and put a finger under her chin, urging her to meet my eyes. "Bella."
She stared into my eyes for a long moment, contemplating. The fear in her eyes made my stomach turn uneasily. Suddenly, she ripped her chin from my hand and walked as far away from me as the room allowed. She turned to face me, but kept her head down, eyes on her bare feet. I watched her shoulders rise and fall as she took a deep breath, and then cleared her throat. When she finally looked up again, she squared her shoulders, and looked straight at me. I could tell she was trying to put on a determined face, but she just looked nervous.
"Edward, I'm a call girl." She said quietly.
It felt like the world had stopped spinning on its axis, like everything stopped in that moment. Call girl. That was a fancy way of saying hooker. Bella just told me that she is a hooker.
Even though her voice was quiet, her sentence hung in the air between us, heavy and poignant, deafening in the silence that followed. My mind was in a complete stupor, trying to comprehend the words she just said, but not being able to piece them together in a way that made sense.
I shook my head, trying to clear it. No, it didn't make sense. Bella was the most self-protective, guarded, defensive person I knew. Having sex with guys for money didn't fit into that formula. I tried to change the equation around in my head, trying to make it fit, but nothing I did could make it add up to the answer she was presenting me with.
I looked at her face carefully, studied it, searching for any trace of humor. Maybe she was just fucking with me. But there was nothing there but fear and pleading.
She was serious.
Bella had sex for money. And tonight, she had been at the benefit with Mike Newton.
"So after I just saw you, you… you just… you slept with him? You had sex with Mike Newton… for money?"
She nodded, and I couldn't stand the images that invaded my mind. "I-I can't handle this." I had to get out of there. I turned and started to walk away from her.
"Edward, you can't just leave!" She shouted. The frantic desperation in her voice made me stop. "You wanted to talk, and I'm talking. You can't just walk away!"
I slowly turned back to face her, but I didn't make a move to get any closer. I squeezed the bridge of my nose between my thumb and finger, and closed my eyes tightly, hating the images that flashed behind them. I didn't want to think of his hands on her body or his lips on her skin. Bile rose in the back of my throat, and I swallowed it down. It felt like lead.
"I'm sorry." I heard her say quietly.
I opened my eyes, and she was looking down at the floor. Her shoulders were slumped, her face defeated. I hated the pain that twisted in my chest at seeing her like that. I shouldn't be the one feeling sorry, but it wasn't a choice. My feet started moving, bringing me closer to her without me ever having consciously decided to go to her.
When I got to her, my hand twitched to reach out and touch her, pull her into my arms, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just stood there in front of her, clenching and unclenching my fingers at my sides. She looked up at me, her milk chocolate eyes troubled and beseeching.
"I don't want you to be sorry. I want an explanation." I said, low and firm. I was surprised at how much anger was in my voice, how tight and constricted my throat felt.
"You got your explanation. I was there tonight because Mike Newton was my client. I was his… escort."
I shook my head, inwardly cringing at the detached voice she used when talking about it, like it was nothing out of the ordinary. A business deal, and nothing more.
"I want you to stop lying to me."
Her chin raised a fraction at my tone, and her eyes narrowed slightly. "I never lied to you."
"Really? You told me you worked at a nightclub in Manhattan, when actually, you sleep with men for money. Where exactly is the truth in that?" The anger was pumping through me now, spewing brutally from my mouth. I flinched as the words came out, and so did she.
"That's the only thing I've ever lied about. I've been completely honest with you otherwise, Edward, you have to believe me."
"Oh, well, as long as it was only that one little thing." I said sarcastically. "So you're secretly a prostitute? Who cares; as long as you're truthful about everything else."
She bristled at that. "I'm not a prostitute. I'm a call girl."
"What's the difference?" I spat bitterly. I shook my head and put a hand through my hair. "Fuck, Bella, do you know how dangerous that is?" As angry as I was at her for lying to me, that did nothing to diminish the fact that I cared about her.
"Look, it's not like I'm standing on the side of the road every night, flagging down random cars and giving blowjobs behind dumpsters. I work for an agency. They screen the clients before they book them for us. It's safe."
I gaped. "Safe? What about STDs? Getting pregnant? Have you even fucking considered-"
"I get tested once a month. I always use condoms, and I'm on the pill."
"So what if one of those guys decides they want to do more than just have sex with you, huh? You don't know who the fuck you're dealing with. Bella, what if someone decides to use you as a punching bag? You could be fucking killed!"
"I can take care of myself." She said stubbornly.
"DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING DEATHWISH?!" I screamed. She flinched back.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella's cat jump off the couch and dart across the room to hide under the bed. I had to remind myself that it was the middle of the night, and people were sleeping. It took a lot of effort to try and keep my voice down.
She looked at me evenly. "No. I do not." Her voice was venomous.
"Well, you could've fooled me." I hissed back.
She shook her head at me. "You're impossible."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying, however minutely, to control my temper. "How long?" I asked.
"How long what?"
"How long have you been doing… that?"
"Three years."
My eyes widened. "Three years?"
She nodded. "Since I first came to New York, when I was eighteen."
"Why do you do it? Why do you let guys use your body just to make money?"
She just shook her head. "So, you moved 2000 miles from home to start over on your own, to make a better life for yourself. And what? The better life you had in mind included having sex for money? Is that what you dreamed about doing?"
"No, it wasn't my intention coming here to become a hooker, thank you very much." She spat. "It just happened."
I stared at her incredulously. "How exactly does a person just fall into that profession?"
"I was a waitress when I first came here. I was out at a club one night, and a guy approached me about becoming an escort. The money is great, the hours are flexible, so I said yes." She shrugged, like it made perfect sense. Like it was that simple. I knew better.
"Bella… you are smart and beautiful and young. You're only 21 fucking years old. Do you really think this is the best thing for you to be doing with your life? There are a million other things you could do. You shouldn't waste yourself doing something so… so degrading, and lawless. You're better than that. You owe yourself better than that."
She laughed without humor. "You know nothing about who I am or what I'm worth, Edward. Don't kid yourself."
"You know what, if you're so fucking determined to exploit your body, why didn't you just move out to LA and start doing porn, huh?"
"Edward, you know as well as I do that life isn't all sunshine and fucking butterflies, okay? It's cold, and cruel, and jading, and unfair. The people who are supposed to love and protect you, don't. The ones you rely on, leave. And if you hold out hope, you'll only be let down time and time again until you realize that the only person who you can really depend on is yourself. The sooner you figure that out, the better off you'll be."
"What does that have to do with anything?" I asked, taken aback by her seemingly random outburst.
A strange expression crossed her features. Her eyebrows furrowed, her lips stretched taut, and she swallowed hard. It was almost like she was going to be sick.
"Sometimes, you have to do what's necessary to get control of your life. It's as simple as that." She turned her face away from me.
"And how exactly does having sex for money help you gain control of your life?"
She shook her head. "You don't understand."
"No. I don't. That's the point. Let me understand."
"I can't."
"Can't, or won't?"
She was silent for a second. "You know what, maybe you were right. Maybe you should just go." She said suddenly.
"I can't. Because believe it or not, I care about you. And you owe me an explanation."
Her eyes widened in disbelief. "Owe you? How the hell do I owe you anything? I was perfectly fine before I met you. I was at peace with my life, I was okay, and then-" She cut herself off, shaking her head, seething. "You are so fucking frustrating."
I laughed without humor. "Oh, okay, so you're frustrated? I'm so sorry about that." I threw my hands up at my sides in exasperation. "I walk into that ballroom tonight, thinking I'm going to drop off my Dad's donation check, talk to some pretentious businessmen about things I don't give a rat's ass about, eat some good food, and leave. And then, I see you and Alice, with two guys I went to high school with, calling yourselves Sophia and Rachel, and pretending you have no idea who I am. On top of that, I'd actually asked you to come to that same benefit with me, and you refused. And now, you're turning this whole thing over to make an asshole out of me for caring about you. Now, can't you see why I'm just a little fucking frustrated?"
Panic filled her eyes suddenly. "I know. But, Edward, you can't tell Jasper."
This was the missing link, I realized. This was the facet of their relationship, the quiet closeness that I didn't understand before. Bella trusted Alice so implicitly because they were both hiding the same secret, both living the same lie. They were in it together.
I scoffed. "Are you serious? What kind of brother would I be if I didn't tell him that the girl he's dating is a hooker?"
Her voice was frantic now. "You have to let Alice tell him herself. Please. She's been planning on telling him, I swear she has. Give her the chance to plead her case to him. Please, Edward. Alice really cares about Jasper."
"When was she planning on telling him?"
"Soon."
I nodded and folded my arms over my chest. "And when were you planning on telling me?"
She bit her lip and looked down. My eyes went wide as understanding washed over me. "You weren't." I stated. It wasn't a question. She shook her head, eyes still on the floor.
I laughed bitterly and started pacing, running my hands over my face, through my hair, and back again. "You weren't even going to tell me. I can't believe it." I said it more to myself than to her.
"You don't understand." She plead.
I turned on her, shouting, angry. "You keep saying that, Bella. 'You don't understand, you don't understand.' Then make me fucking understand! I can't understand unless you fucking explain it to me."
My yelling set her off, and her face turned red with anger. "I don't have an obligation to you. You're not my boyfriend, Edward. You're not my father… hell, we're tentative friends, at best!"
"You're really going to pull that card? We're barely even friends? Then what the fuck are we, huh? Tell me!" I clenched my fists at my side. "I thought… no, I know that I felt something real and palpable between us. I wanted you from the moment we met, and when you told me it couldn't be like that between us, I accepted it. I kept being your friend because that's all you could give me, and I never complained. After all that, you didn't even give me the courtesy of considering telling me the truth?"
"Don't make me sound like such a cold-hearted bitch, okay? I thought endlessly about telling you. But there are things that you can't even begin to understand, and I can't even begin to talk about. You don't understand because you can't. My priority is to myself first, and I won't rip myself open for you."
"Your priority is to yourself? Yeah, Bella, you take real good care of yourself. Look at the fulfilling career you've gotten yourself into."
"Don't patronize me."
"I'm not. I'm stating facts. You're not doing yourself any favors, Bella. Unless you're hell bent on self-destruction."
"This has nothing to do with self-destruction."
"Really?" I grabbed her left arm and pulled it between us, turning her forearm upward. I jabbed at her arm. The scars weren't very visible, but her eyes widened, and I could tell she knew exactly what I was meaning to point out. "You seem pretty well practiced in the art of hurting yourself."
She jerked her arm away and pulled it to her chest. "How do you know about that?"
"I saw the scars."
Her face morphed into a mixture of embarrassment and irritation. "That was a long time ago."
"Yeah, because you don't have to take a blade to your arm anymore, you just demean yourself with meaningless sex for money. Good trade." I spat.
She shot me a glare and turned her head to the side, crossing her arms over her chest. "You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about."
"What do you think your father would say about this?" I said. I knew that was hitting below the belt, and I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. Bella's face contorted in pain and anguish, and fury flashed in her eyes.
"You have no right to bring him into this."
I faltered. "Bella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone there."
She shook her head fiercely. "No, Edward, you aren't. You're not sorry."
"I just want you to think about what you're doing."
"You don't think I have? I've been doing this for three years. I came to terms with what I am and what I do a long time ago." She said curtly.
"So what you are is a prostitute? I'm sorry, a 'call girl'." I formed air quotes with my fingers. "That's how you define yourself, and you're okay with that? You're proud of that?" I scoffed.
"This is my life, Edward. I'm going to do what I want with it. You don't agree with it? That's fucking fine with me. I don't need you to be in my life. And I definitely don't want or need your God damn approval, or anyone else's for that matter."
"Even though what you apparently want to do is just open your legs to any guy who comes along to make a quick buck? That's really pathetic."
Her face grew livid, and suddenly my head was snapping to the side as her fist collided with my jaw. She didn't smack me; she full on punched me in the face. I was surprised at how much it hurt. She must've put some real force behind it.
I turned my face back to her, rubbing my jaw with my hand, eyes wide in surprise.
"You're such a fucking bastard." She hissed at me.
"And you're a slut." I said scathingly, spitting the last word at her.
Her eyes popped wide for a second, then almost as quickly, they narrowed. "Get. Out." She said, low and angry.
Without a word, I turned and strode down the hallway. I yanked the door open, and shot a glance over my shoulder. Bella was standing at the end of the hallway, staring after me. She was completely enraged, but there was something else, some other emotion in her eyes. The sides of her mouth were turned down, a deep worry line creasing between her eyebrows. It almost looked as if she were going to cry, and for a split second, I was torn. But I was angry, so I looked away from her and walked out the door, slamming it behind me.
As I walked away, I heard a loud crash coming from inside her apartment. Even though part of me wanted to, I didn't go back to check on her. I didn't even spare her front door a last glance. I didn't even stop walking.
I walked down the hall and to the stairwell. I ran down the four flights of stairs, and into the lobby. I walked out of the lobby, and down the street into the cold, dark, early New York morning. I kept walking.
*
BPOV
With that, he was gone. He swept out of my apartment, slamming the door behind him. For the second time that night, he left me, alone and cold.
I grabbed the glass key dish off the hallway table and hurled it across the room. It smashed loudly as it hit the wall, and fell in a million pieces to the carpet below. My keys fell with them. That was going to be a bitch to clean up later, but I'd worry about that tomorrow. I didn't have the mindset to deal with anything right now.
I hated the man who just walked out of my door. That wasn't the Edward I'd know for the past month and a half. That ruthless, hurtful man was a stranger to me.
I was surprised by the force of the pain that came over me, like a giant wave crashing down, abrupt and consuming. The tears started stinging in my eyes before I could even register that the unfamiliar ripping sound assaulting my ears was the sobs coming from my chest. I buried my face in my hands, and suddenly I was sinking to the floor. I pulled my knees tightly to my chest and buried my face in my hands.
I knew I deserved every word he threw at me, every cruel thing he said, but that didn't mitigate the pain it caused. It felt like every word was like its own knife, cutting me deeper with every slice of the blade.
I cried harder than I could remember ever crying, since my father's death. I was shocked by it. Had I really only known him for a month and a half? Then why did he have this effect on me? Why was I overcome by guilt and anger and hurt, from just his words alone?
I don't know how long I sat like that, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out. When I finally turned my face toward the window, resting my cheek against my knees, the light outside was the dark, pearly blue-gray of predawn. By then, the uncontrollable sobs had all but stopped, though the tears still poured freely down my face.
I watched as the light on the building across the street turned lighter and lighter, then darkened again as the rain clouds infiltrated the sky. Even though I'd been up all night, I didn't feel tired. I don't think I had enough energy to be tired, as crazy as that sounds.
Eventually, Paul came over to me, and started rubbing himself against my legs, telling me it was time for breakfast. It brought me back to reality and the realization that I had to snap out of it. I couldn't let this angry, frustrating pain cripple me. I had responsibilities.
I moved mechanically through the motions of the morning. I got Paul his breakfast. I had no appetite, so I just made coffee for myself. I took a shower and dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, deciding that I wasn't going to get anything done today that required leaving the house.
I decided that I should probably call Alice. Knowing her, she didn't get much more sleep than I did last night. I found my cell phone and dialed her number.
She picked up on the first ring. "Bella? Oh my God, are you okay? Last night was insane. Have you seen Edward?"
"Yeah. He was waiting for me in the hall when I got home."
"Are you crying?" She asked, incredulous and worried at the same time.
I touched my cheek, and was surprised to feel the moisture there. Hmph. I hadn't realized I started crying again.
"I…I…yeah."
"I'm on my way over."
She sounded like she was already making for the door when we hung up. She was worried and anxious, and I understood why. Alice was different from me; she would cry if she scuffed her shoe. But I wasn't a crier –it just wasn't a part of who I was. In all the time she'd known me, I think Alice had seen me cry only once, and that was from the painful story I had been telling her at the time. She knew me better than anyone, and she knew that I was uncharacteristically hurting, and that meant I needed her.
I was sitting on the couch now, and my eyes scanned the room idly as I tried to find something to think about that would stop the tears. I noticed a charcoal gray wad of fabric on the arm of my couch. Apprehensively, I reached over and grabbed it, pulling it into my lap to inspect it. No, this is definitely not the thing to be thinking about right now. This will not stop the tears.
It was his suit jacket.
I held it in my hands, running my fingers over the fabric, inhaling the scent that came off of it. It smelled just like him, like soap and tobacco, with that inexplicable hint of cinnamon that made my mouth water. I held it close to me, contemplating the way his presence in my life had changed me.
After only about a month and a half of knowing Edward, he had altered me so completely that I felt like my world was turned upside down. Everything was changing, I could feel it. I can feel it. That was the biggest change.
Being numb wasn't even an option anymore. I had spent fourteen years perfecting this shield; this action of self-preservation that I thought was the key to my survival. A shield that he was able to effectively tear down in less than two months. Either I wasn't as strong as I had initially though, or the way he effected me was just a lot stronger.
But on top of that, it felt like my insides were literally changing. They were shifting and contorting, to the point where I didn't even recognize myself anymore. My heartbeats felt a little stronger, my stomach a little weaker. I felt lighter and denser at the same time, and it both scared and thrilled me.
I heard a key rattling in the door, and I pushed the jacket under the couch cushion, not wanting Alice to see how pathetic I was. It would just worry her more. I heard her come into the door, and pause in the hallway. She always put her keys in the bowl in the hall when she used them, just like I did. Surely she was wondering where the fuck it was.
She came into the living room, her eyes going straight to me. "Bella, are you okay?" She said concernedly. I could only imagine what I looked like to her right now.
"I don't know." I answered hoarsely.
She put her purse down on the table. "I just took the elevator up with Edward." She said apprehensively, obviously afraid of setting me off.
My head jerked up. "You saw him?"
"Yeah. He looked pretty rough. There were bags under his eyes and his hair was all messed up. It kind of seemed like he was out all night or something."
"Why would you say that?"
"He was still wearing the suit he was in at the benefit."
I furrowed my eyebrows at that. Where had he gone after he stormed out of here this morning? Why was he out all night? Was he hurting as much as I was? Was he sorry?
"How did he look? I-I mean, did he seem… was he-"
"He looked pissed off. Sounded it, too."
"What did he say?"
"Not much, really. The whole ride up was kind of awkward. I was trying to think of something to say, but I didn't know how much he knew, so…" She shrugged. "Then, when we were getting off, he said 'I'm not going to tell Jasper –yet. But if you don't do it soon, I will.' And he just walked away."
I sighed. "That's good. I was worried that he'd tell him before you had the chance to." My voice was just a monotone.
Alice sat down beside me. "So, are you going to tell me what happened last night?"
I took a deep breath and gave her the rundown of everything that happened, starting with when I left the benefit to chase him down. My voice broke when I told her that he called me a slut and I hit him, and her eyes shifted toward the wall behind me when I told her about the smashing bowl incident.
"I was wondering why he had a bruise on his face." She said nonchalantly.
If I weren't so conflicted, I probably would have smiled from smugness. "He was just… he was so angry. And I know I deserved everything he said, but-" I took a shaky breath. "I didn't even recognize him Alice. He was like a completely different person."
"I'm sure he didn't mean it. He was just overwhelmed and he lost his temper." She soothed.
"He meant it." I shook my head and raked my hands through my hair. "You should've seen his face, Alice. He hates me." I let my hands fall to my thighs with an audible slap. "I knew this was going to happen. I knew he'd hate me."
"Why don't you hate him?"
I looked at her disbelievingly. "Why would I?"
Her eyes widened. "Bella, the things he said to you… the way he talked to you. You have every right to be just as mad at him as he is at you. At least you weren't saying things to hurt him. You hurt him with the truth, but he hurt you because he could."
"I am mad at him. He's an asshole, and he needs fucking anger management classes or something. But if I hadn't been so selfish, I wouldn't have been able to hurt him. This is all on me."
"Why do you always do that? You always blame yourself for everything. This isn't all on you Bella. Some of it is, yes. But not all of it."
"You're entitled to your opinion." I said quietly.
Alice sighed and shook her head, but she knew that arguing with me further wouldn't do any good. I was stubborn. "What are you going to do?" She asked.
"I can't really do anything. I told him the truth, right? I can't force him to be okay with it." I paused for a long moment. "Maybe it's better this way. Things were getting too…comfortable."
"It is not better this way. You care about him. He cares about you."
"Yeah? Well both of our lives would be a whole lot simpler if we didn't. So maybe this is our chance to just stop. I can't give him what he wants, anyways. We can both just get on with our lives like it never happened."
"You don't really believe that."
"I want to." I said, a little less firmly than I'd meant it.
Alice shot me a loaded look. "What?" I asked.
"I've just… I've never seen you like this before. I'm worried about you."
I lost it then. Tears started streaming relentlessly down my face, like a water faucet had just turned on inside of me. Through the tears, I saw Alice's eyes widen, like she was witnessing a car wreck and could do nothing but sit and watch it happen. Her expression only made it worse, and my chest racked uncontrollably, the loud sobs breaking free from my chest. I was trembling with the force of them, and Alice pulled me into her skinny arms.
"Shh, baby, it's okay. Bella, you're going to be okay."
"I don't know why it hurts so much." I whispered through the tears.
Alice held me while I cried, rubbing my back and whispering words of comfort to me. I'd done the same for her a thousand times, but being on the other side of it, I realized just how much it meant for someone to be there for you while you're breaking down. It makes you feel like you're not alone. My love for my best friend, my sister, grew even more in that moment.
After I had gotten myself under control enough to stop sobbing, Alice went to make me some tea. Tea was her cure-all remedy, and I had to admit, it did help most of the time. She sat back down next to me, handing me a mug.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"I don't know why I lost it like that. I just…" I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "I'm a mess."
"Yes, you are."
"See, this is why men suck. I'm not even dating the guy, and he already has me moping around like a lost fucking puppy. God, I hate feeling so pathetic."
"You're not pathetic, Bells. You're-"
"Alice Brandon, if you say human, I will rip your scrawny little arms off." She pursed her lips and folded her hands in her lap.
I took a sip of my tea. "So, when are you going to talk to Jasper?" I asked quietly, changing the subject.
"I called him this morning and told him we had to talk. He's going to come over tomorrow afternoon."
"Are you nervous?"
She nodded. "I just really don't want to lose him. I can't imagine what I'll do if he reacts the way Edward did."
"Jasper wouldn't do that."
"What makes you so sure?" She asked, sipping her tea.
"You two have a good thing going. He knows that. It's easy to see how much he cares about you."
"Edward cares about you, and he flipped out." She pointed out.
"You're comparing apples and oranges, here."
"I hope you're right."
"I know I am. You and Jasper have this… you're trying to build something. You're laying the foundation for something that could potentially be really beautiful. And beauty doesn't come without a few bumps in the road, right? If he's worth it, he'll understand."
She shook her head incredulously. "I don't understand how you can be so insightful when it comes to my life, but when it comes to your own, you're Miss Negativity."
"I prefer the term 'cynical'." I joked lamely.
"I'm serious, Bells."
"I'm fine." She cocked an eyebrow at me. "Okay, maybe I'm not fine right now, at this very moment. But in general, I'm okay." I mulled it over for a second. "You know what, I'm just going to blame all of this over emotional drama queen shit on that time of the month."
"Do you even have your period?"
I glowered at her. "Alice, don't put a damper on my justifications."
Alice stayed for a while, and we both deftly avoided talking anymore about Edward or Jasper. After she left, I went out on to the fire escape to have a cigarette. The day had gotten away from me, and now it was five o'clock, and I was only having my first one. The sweet burn of the smoke in my throat was relieving, and after a few more puffs, I felt lightheaded. I leaned my head back, blowing smoke upward to join the rest of the ominous gray clouds covering the sky. It hadn't started raining yet, but there was supposed to be a thunderstorm tonight. Or maybe snow, since it was December. Fucking global warming.
The raw breeze felt good against my face. It smelled like cold, and dead leaves, and winter. I closed my eyes and leaned into it, pulling my hoodie tighter around me. I sighed at the sensation, getting lost in the feeling of the wind caressing my cheeks and blowing my hair around my face. I tried very hard not to think.
When I opened my eyes, I looked down toward the ground, and wished I hadn't. A spot of bronze caught my eye, and I focused in on it involuntarily. Sure enough, it was Edward, lighting a cigarette as he walked away from the building. He turned his head to look back toward the building, and he was a bit of a distance away, but I could swear he looked up at me. He turned his head back around, and I watched his retreating form until he rounded the corner at the end of the block, disappearing from sight.
My vision became blurry all of a sudden, and I realized that, once again, I was starting to cry. I snubbed out my cigarette, realizing I was pretty much smoking the filter by now, and climbed back into my apartment. I crawled on to my bed and curled up on my side, pulling the covers over me. Paul jumped up on to the bed and kneaded himself into a spot, curling up next to me. I stroked his silky fur while he purred contentedly, and I was plagued with unavoidable thoughts.
What the hell was I going to do? It wasn't like I could avoid seeing him for the rest of my life, and I wasn't even sure I wanted to. He lived right across the hall from me; the distance from my door to his was no more than ten feet. We practically breathed the same air. I was bound to run into him, sooner rather than later, and I preferred not to bawl my eyes out whenever I did. That was ridiculous.
I'd talk to him, I decided. Not right now, of course. I couldn't talk to the man who had left my apartment early this morning. It was impossible. I'd give him a few days to cool off, maybe a week. And that way, I'd give myself time to get over this overly emotional bullshit.
There had to be at least closure for this, if nothing else. I couldn't just leave it the way it was; every tear I cried for him was evidence of that fact. The new, raw emotions in me wouldn't allow it. I needed a goodbye, if it was really the end of this… whatever this was.
So, I'd talk to him, and maybe we could figure this out together.
*
This chapter killed me. I wanted to end it with a kiss and makeup so BADLY, but it just isn't that simple. Sigh.
Next chapter may take a bit to get up. I hope to have it up next week, but seeing as it's Thanksgiving week and I have a ton of stuff to do, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get it up here. So leave me reviews, and I'll see you soon my lovelies!
