There was a smack of my forehead against the plastic table and the clunk of a tipping over water bottle.
"The fuck do I do Rose?"
My voice was muffled by the table, but she understood me and gave a small pat to the back of my neck.
"You do what you always do."
"And that is?"
"You whine."
My head swung back up, knocking her hand away and- ow, okay, bad idea. Head rush. I blinked a couple times to get over the sudden dizziness before staring back at her.
"I do not whine."
She sat, twiddling a piece of disgustingly thick and saucy cafeteria pasta around her fork. "Oh, of course you do. You just don't think so. You probably interpret your whining as an excuse of irony or something, but Dave, please, you whine. Quite a bit I must say."
My arms folded on the table, and I rested my chin on top of them. "Do not. But either way, this isn't something whining will fix in any case. I mean fuck- I forgot John. And he didn't even care. He acts like nothing's changed."
"Well, about the fact you forgot him; that would be your own subconscious' fault. You do seem to push negative memories into the depths of your psyche. And in regards to the latter, are you sure that many things have changed? Despite your physical attributes and some, minor, maturity, what has changed all that much?"
I really didn't have a response to the statement so I just made a few noises into my arm that sounded somewhat like a rebuttal.
"However, I have been meaning to ask you something all day." Or great, she's not done. "It pertains to those messages you sent me last night."
My chin popped up so and I turned my head while still being hunched over.
"Let's not talk about that."
"Oh no, no, we are not simply going to do a once over of those and then completely forget they ever happened." She actually laughed. "You are definitely a lot worse off than I first thought."
"And what does that mean?"
"Well, if you remember my small nudges to address your feelings of romance towards John, you can see with those I thought this was just some simple liking. A crush you could say, but now- well, let me just say I think things have progressed a little further than that of crush standards."
"Are you saying I love him or something because-"
"Heavens no." How dare she fucking cut me off like that. Nonetheless, I shut my mouth and let her keep going. Again. "I would not go that far. We are still juveniles. I am merely saying your affliction towards John is a little stronger than that of a crush. Though, I would certainly not say it is to the criteria of love yet."
"Whatever. You just keep thinking that. This is nothing I can't handle without your babble."
"Suit yourself. I will always be here to gladly pick apart the Strider mind set."
"Yeah, well-"
"Hey, Dave!"
My mouth shut and my body went rigid. Rose's grin flicked that much wider at my actions before I sat up and turned with the clearing of my throat. At my side, John was beaming down at me, his arms wrapped around a couple books.
"I'm coming home with you, aren't I?"
"Yeah. Just meet me outside."
"Alright, make sure you don't forget your books. We can't exactly do much studying without them."
I gave a short nod to which he returned and took off again. Probably to go sit with people who were even mildly interesting. Not saying we weren't, hell, Rose and I can be a riot, but he had other people he enjoyed talking to. I never knew how he came to be liked by so many people. Okay, it wasn't that hard, what's not to like? But more the question that I denied ever crossing my mind: why doesn't he want to talk to me more?
Because I never thought that. Nope. Never.
Once he was gone, I slumped back into my arms until a quiet hum floated around my head.
"So, he is coming over tonight, hmm?"
"Not now." I snipped back, but she merely snickered and continued on.
"I am only teasing you. I wasn't assuming anything further than a platonic time of, how should I say, 'hanging out' to occur. He sure has you in a state of frenzy."
"I don't even care enough to understand what the hell you just said; per usual."
"Shall I comment on the body language displayed at the mere sound of his voice?"
"No."
"Because I think it is quite intriguing-"
"Can it."
"I am taking to almost observing your reactions to these sorts of things-"
"Lalonde."
"Of course, romance is only a small genre that I dabble in, but still-"
"Stop."
"I am finding your current state of disarray rather amusing. Maybe I should begin taking notes. It would pose for a very informative essay-"
"Come on."
"The one sided relationship of a young male and his newly found sense of blossoming homoeroticism-"
"Rose!" Now what came out wasn't exactly a shout, but I was definitely louder that the normal mumble I pushed my words through. It caught her attention, so it did what I meant it to. "Stop." I added after pausing to make sure I really did stop her.
"Pardon me David," She began up again like nothing had even happened. "I apologize if I in anyway pushed the boundaries of your comfort."
"It's fine." I pushed back from the table and gathered up my trash. "Come on, we should get to class."
I knew the look she was giving me was incredibly skeptical, but she followed anyway. I wasn't telling her any more than she had already pried out of me. It would be hard to anyway when I didn't even know what was going on up in my head.
The only thing I could keep looking forward to was summer being just around the corner. The whole reason behind John coming to my apartment was to study for our finals. After this next week, we would be free. Damn straight I was ready for summer. It didn't take much to know I wasn't much of a school person. I would much rather be home with my laptop, music, and food that would surely rot my stomach over being bored shitless in front of a teacher I may or may not have a developed hatred for. With Bro being gone for most of the day, and night for that matter, I was perfectly fine with being on my own. Though, the summer also brought something I was secretively (not) going to enjoy much more than not having school. Maybe I was a tad too hopeful, but it didn't show outside of my whirling thoughts. I had an entire summer where I could do anything I wanted; I had an entire summer with John. From what I knew, I was one of the only friends he had that lived so close. Being mere walking distance from each other, I knew we'd already be seeing quite a bit of each other. Not that I was bothered by this in any way.
For right now, I just had to get through next week. Decent enough grades on my exams would push me to the next year. I wasn't necessarily bad in school, but the average grades I did get are acceptable enough for me to care less than some people. Some people including John. He cared a relatively a lot more than I do. Thusly, I was spending my Friday night studying instead of doing what I really wanted to; nothing.
But I couldn't exactly complain about everything, because hey, any time with John was fine with me.
By the time school was over and I was outside, shifting my weight from one foot too the other, I was just ready to go home. It was hot and the dry breeze wasn't helping anything. My tongue was getting rough and the dryness of my mouth is one of the worse feelings I could imagine. People were scurrying out of the school, down the street and into the various cars or busses. My back pack was growing uncomfortably heavy, so I switched the shoulder I kept it on. John seriously needed to hurry up or I was going to leave his ass. With another minute of complaining in my head I was ready to go after him, but then he came bursting through the front door with two other guys, laughter tumbling down the concrete steps. The immediate reactions set in: jaw clenching, grip tightening on the strap of my backpack, glare already threatening to form. I would never admit to the sickening jealousy I got every time I saw something like this. It didn't make sense. I had no ownership over John nor did I have control over his actions, but damn it I wanted to be the cause of that laughter. But there it always was; wiggling in the pit of my gut and making my feet move without consent. I walked, harder than my normal lagging pace, until I was at the base of the stairs. They stopped in their tracks, John on one lower than the other two. I had two gleams of blue and a grin on me, but also four other eyes were staring me down with perched brows and the anticipation for the reason of my presence.
I shrugged my backpack on a bit more, clearing my throat. "You ready?"
He looked back to the other two who promptly said their goodbyes before the three of them waved. John popped down the few steps between us. Landing with a smack against the concrete beside me, he hooked both thumbs in the straps of his bag.
"Ready." He announced just after we began walking.
"Got your books?"
"Yes mother, I have my books."
"Not trying to be your mother, I just don't want to be the one studying while you laze around and fail your exams next week."
My hand waved flippantly. "Eh, I'll pass."
"Yeah, yeah, sure you will. But there are petting things than just passing you know." He muttered after he pushed my shoulder, laughing and shaking his head.
"Like sitting on my ass and doing nothing maybe?"
"No!" He exclaimed. "More like, oh I don't know, getting an A?"
"Sounds boring."
"God, you're so lazy."
I smirked with a small snort. "You know it. I make being lazy cool."
"Sure, because you're Dave motherfucking Strider- coolest cool guy of cool."
"Damn Straight."
"Really, you're more insufferable than anything else."
"You say that with a laugh." I noted, hearing the small chuckle through his words.
"Because it's funny."
"And hy's that?"
"Just like I said, you're insufferable. And yet, I'm still best friends with you."
"We're friends because I'm insufferable." His face grew a little confused. "You couldn't stand being around nice people."
"Oh really?"
"Really." I continue with a short nod. "Nice people are boring."
"Hey, I'm nice!" His protest added with the balling of his fists didn't even make him look mad. My mind- damn the things- only made it look cute.
"You're an asshole Egbert. No questions about that."
He opened his mouth, but then just laughed with that lovely grin. "Yeah, that's true. I cant even deny it."
"That's right. So me being insufferable and you being an asshole makes our broship what it is."
Another loud laugh came, making the corners of my mouth twitch upwards.
"Broship? Sure, when is that a word?"
"Since forever. You kidding me? The gods used to bask in the glory of their broships. Primitive races drew memorials to the great broships of their ancestors. From the beginning of time-"
"Okay, okay!" He was already thrown into a small fit of laughter. "I get it."
I merely stuffed my hands in my pockets and let the tiniest, proud smile come back to my lips because damn, I was glad I was the one making him smile and laugh this time.
"Just shut up will ya?"
"Since when do I ever do that?"
"Oh right I forgot." He stuck his hands out in front of him and lowered his voice. "Dave Strider, closet rambler."
"Since when am I I the closet about being a rambler?"
"Since you only do it around me Jade or Rose."
I shrugged, but he shook his finger at that.
"No it's true. Everyone else I know thinks you never talk. And when I tell them that all you do it spout nonsensical bullshit all the time they don't believe me! Some of them told me they've never even heard your voice."
"Well, maybe they're just not the people I feel the need to talk to." Shit, there I go. Defensive wall: activated.
"Besides there's special about what I say or how I sound so they shouldn't care either way."
"But they don't know how cool you actually are. Like I'm sure they'd all want to be your friend if they knew how funny you are."
Ohoho isn't he wrong on that fact. The only way they'd find me funny is if they could get past the dickish facade of my personality. There was a reason I didn't like to talk to people. A reason John apparently didn't see.
"Yeah, I guess I just don't need that many friends."
"You should still come eat with me at lunch one day. They're super cool guys."
"No cooler than me though, right?" I said it strongly and full of convincing sarcasm, but I really just felt the need for reassurance right now. Not so much that I was cool, but more along the lines that I desperately yearned to always have a significant place in his mind. And if that meant hiding behind an egotistical facade, so be it. I was just glad it didn't show through my voice.
"Oh of course not." He replied cheekily, nudging me with his elbow.
I can't explain nor did I want to recognize how much relief that brought to me.
Later that night, I found myself knee deep in books with a fried brain. I hadn't studied this much in years, and now I remembered why. I wanted to throw the books against the wall at this point and give up- oh but John wouldn't have that. Every time I'd try to slack off, he'd call me some name and make me read something to him. We were sitting in the floor while I was reading through vocabulary that I really only half paid attention to before mindlessly turning the page as he was working through a bunch of math problems I had completely forgotten from last semester. I smacked shut the book in my hands and tossed it to the floor, leaning back against the side of my bed.
"You hungry?"
He finished scribbling down a few numbers before looking up. His brows were still scrunched from concentration, but they soon loosened. "Huh?"
"Are you hungry?" I repeated, jumping up to my feet. "You know, food? A necessity for life and all that?"
"Screw you, I know what food it. I just didn't hear you, but yeah- I guess I could eat something."
I hummed as a response while opening the door to the hall.
"Oh hey Dave, do you have a calculator I could borrow? Forgot mine."
I turned back around and pointed to my desk. "Top drawer."
"Thanks." He got to his knees and pulled it open before I left.
Walking a few steps down the hall, I stood in front of Bro's door knocking my fist against it. "Bro, open up." No answer came, so I knocked a little harder. "Bro." I kept knocking, continually making them louder before the door swung open. My head has to tip back from his height once he towered over me. Headphones around his neck explained why he didn't answer the door. He removed his hat, giving a scratch to his head before twisting it back on. "We're hungry."
He stared down at me for another moment, but eventually turned and wandered back to his computer. "I'll order some pizza in a minute. Just shut the door, alright?"
"Yeah, yeah. Just tell me when it gets here."
I spun back on my heels, to return to my room. After walking in the door, I stopped when I was met with an unwanted sight. John was sitting where I last saw him, but in his lap was a box he never should have found. Photos were strewn across the floor and he had a couple in his hands as he dug through the box. I shut the door behind me and his eyes flicked up. I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.
"Did you take these?"
I hesitated for a minute before sitting in front of him and nodding. "Yeah."
"They're amazing! Like, wow, you're really good at this."
I couldn't deny the fact that made me want to smile. Photography had always been something I didn't tell many people about. I never really saw a reason in showing people the things I took pictures of. I had first started at the beginning of middle school to pass the time, but when it really stroke my interest, Bro pulled some extra money together and bought me a pretty amazing camera. Even though he doesn't say much about it, he takes a look at them every now and then. I kept them in that box and stowed away in my desk. You'd think no one would snoop through it, but I guess I was mistaken. And oh god, now he was looking at them. It was an odd feeling of exposure that I got from this. He was just looking at them, but something about it made me slightly uncomfortable.
"These are crows right?" He commented, pulling me out of my thoughts as five or six pictures were tossed onto the pile.
"Uh, yeah." I picked them up, inspecting them like I'd done ten times over. I always looked back over them, seeing what ways I could make them better and which lighting or settings worked better. "I've always found them cool. Solitary and tentative, but they're so intelligent. It's scary how smart some of them are, or how big they are. Definitely wouldn't want one to attack you. Jackdaws, Rooks, Magpies, Ravens; something about them is just- interesting. Like holy shit, you'd think 'how can a bird actually be cool', but they are. You can apparently keep them as pets and shit, but I like just seeing them outside. I think seeing a Raven would be awesome one day. They're huge and menacing. Who wouldn't want to see one-"
"Dave."
My head rose. He was staring right at me, blank expression before a small smile curved his mouth.
"You're rambling about birds."
My mouth was still open from talking, but I promptly shut it and cleared my throat. Damn I was. Really, I had half-forgotten he was there. I was more just speaking my thoughts out loud. I really needed to stop doing that.
"But I do agree, they're pretty cool. I didn't know those things, but yeah, they're definitely cool. And so are these pictures. I'd love to see more of them." He glanced down to the pile, picking them up and returning them to the box. "If you take more, can I see?"
"Sure." The word left my mouth before I gave it consent, but I wanted to show someone. It felt nice being appreciated for once. And being appreciated by John was even better. "Let's finish up though- pizzas coming soon."
Dinner came and the three of us devoured two pizzas before collapsing onto the couch and fighting over what lame movie we were going to watch. Eventually we flipped a coin and John won, (of course he won) so we were left watching some shitty movie he had packed that was called something I don't care about. It was unfairly long, and by the end, we were all but passing out on the couch. As the credits rolled, I shut the t.v. off before we wandered tiredly off to my room. He gathered up his clothes and went to bathroom while I changed into sweat pants and an old t-shirt. When he returned, he didn't even ask before climbing up in my bed and wiggling over until he was up against the wall. Given my bed was big enough for two people, but I hadn't had a sleep over in years; probably ever since John stayed over last in like fourth grade. I tried not to let my hesitance show as I slipped in next to him and pulled the covers up. Reaching over, I flicked the lamp on my nightstand off before turning on my side and curling an arm between my head and the pillow. He rolled over as well- his glasses were somewhere else. He probably left them in the bathroom but damn, even in the dark his eyes were bright. It was almost taunting how close he was, but I knew well enough I could do absolutely nothing about it.
"Are you kidding me, Dave?" His voice came out quiet and with an almost silent laugh.
"What?" I replied in an equally quiet tone. My voice seemed to do that. I would only be as loud as the other people around me; usually quieter though.
"You're really going to wear those silly shades to sleep?"
Well shit, I had completely forgotten. Half the time I never remembered they were there because I got so used to the feeling of them being on my face.
"Come on, I've seen your eyes before. You know I think they're cool. And don't even blame it on the light, it's completely dark in here. So you have no escapes Strider. Remove thy shades. King's orders."
"You're no king Egbert." I scoffed, trying my best to distract him.
"You don't think I could be a king?"
"Nah, you need a little less power than that."
He thought for a moment, humming before grinning. "How about a prince?"
I mimicked his hum and replied in the same tone. "Yeah that works."
"Alright then I, Prince Egbert, Heir to the throne order it."
"Taking things a little too far." I mocked.
"Stop stalling Dave. I never understand why you put up so much of a fight about this."
"Fine, Jesus. Don't get your panties in a wad about it." I grumbled, reaching up and pulling them from my face.
Oh, there was definite reluctance in the action when I stopped just before sliding them completely away. However, he sighed and it made me slip them completely off and fold them. Reaching behind me and placing them on the nightstand, I rolled back into place. It took me another few seconds entirely to actually make my eyes go back to his face, but once they did, he was staring and grinning at me. Damn it I always felt so exposed without them on, but I couldn't be a completely pansy about it. But he was just staring at me and I wanted desperately to look away. I couldn't though; I was trapped by the blue again. And oh for god's ever loving sake all I wanted to do was reach up and touch his cheek, brush his hair back, and holy shit, I really just wanted to kiss him and there was no denying it anymore I was completely lost in my affection for this kid.
"Welp, g'night Dave." He whispered, once again breaking my train of thought, before snuggling down into his pillow, curling the cover up under his chin, and closing his eyes.
After countless minutes of me not being able to sleep while he was laying there with only the quiet sound of his breathing, I let my hand snake out from the cover and carefully poke his cheek. I wanted to make sure he was awake, and when I got no movement of speech in response, I retracted my hand. As quietly as I could, I slid from the bed and tiptoed over to my desk. Slowly opening the bottom drawer, I pulled out my camera. Moving back over, I sat back down on the bed with one of my knees up and my other foot still on the ground. Turning it on, I blacked out the screen and turned the flash off before pulling it up to my face. I didn't care if this was creepy or invading of his space, I really didn't want to forget the calm face he had right now. So I took the picture and stowed my camera away and slid back into bed before he could suddenly wake up or I would do something I would ultimately regret. And I turned my back to him, not being able to look at his face any longer without the tiniest pang of hurt running through my chest knowing nothing more would come out of any of this. I shut my eyes, and despite the minutes I laid there not being able to do anything but listen to him breathing, I stopped thinking and finally fell asleep.
Before I knew what was happening, my mind stirred, but my eyes remained closed. The nerves on the underside of my arm tingled. Four points of contact, four finger tips. They brushed up my arm. Slowly tracing pale, freckled skin and tickling as they went. Only did they stop at my wrist to run over the soft bumps of veins before moving on. Dipping down into my palm and back up. Each finger fell in between one of mine making my hand splay open and welcome them. Just then, all ten digits curled and hands interlocked. There was a light squeeze that made my eyes flutter open. Two pairs were void of any coverage. Glasses gone from both of us. Even in the darkness, that blue was unbelievably bright as it met red. Just over our hands I could make out his smile. Softer than usual and held a certain affection that I longed for. Those long lashed blinked slowly; breaths were quiet, keeping my nerves calm enough not to completely flip out. We laid there, staring softly at each other until he moved. Pulling our joined hands down, he wiggled closer. I could feel the warmth of him making my throat close and swallowing difficult. Though, he never once stopped smiling. Those teeth jutting out just barely. I watched them come closer and closer until my eyes dared to cross. I looked back up then, eyes slowly scanning over his features. Once they locked with his eyes, everything was lost. The tiny amount of space between us was going to be gone. The feeling of his breath near my lips was almost too much. It was taunting more than anything. But he was coming closer still, inching forward bit by bit and soon the desperately wanted contact would be achieved. Finally he would close the final inch and- just-
My eyes shot open when a thud hit my chest. The ceiling was above me, not John's face. The warmth was farther away. His hand wasn't grasping mine; it had just clumsily landed on my chest. Sunlight shone through the room not the dark moonlight. My head fell to the side to find a snoring John sprawled across the other side of the bed. A long sigh clawed its way out of my throat as I tossed his hand off me. Almost instantly, the heels of my hands dug deep into my eyes.
What the fuck kind of dream was that?
I groaned a bit as I moved and made my libs crack and pop as they stretched out. Sitting up, the cover fell from my chest and my eyes blinked before squinting a bit. The sunlight was harsh and especially since it was early, it made my eyes burn. With one hand cupped over my forehead, shielding them, I pulled the covers down and under my legs. Sliding down the bed, I landed on my bare feet before walking around the bed and grabbing my shades. Immediate relief washed over them as the tinted lenses allowed them to open as it blocked out the light. I then turned, half stumbling to the door before opening it and continuing the muggy-legged wandering down the hall. A hand ran through messy hair, trying my best to at least fix it a little until I gave up and let it smack back against the side of my leg. When my feet reached the end of the hall, they stopped as my nose was met with an overwhelming sensation of sweet and salty aromas. The sizzling of oil in a pan mixed with the bubbling fry of eggs was enough to wake my senses up all the way.
"G'morning Strider!" An overly chipper and accented voice called out way too loud for this early.
I winced away from the voice a bit before turning my head to stare at Jake who has happily shuffling a few pieces of sausage around in a pan. Clad in an anything but manly apron, he turned to flip a few pancakes before going back to the pan and beaming a grin at me.
An arm wrapped around my throat, jerking me back into the hard surface of my brother's chest. "Good to see the little shit stain finally decided to grace us with his presence." He said, a chuckle slipping in as he tightened his hold before dropping it completely and walking into the kitchen with the scratch of his stomach. Winding his arms around Jake's waist, he put his head on his shoulder but continued to talk to me. "Where's your little 'not boyfriend'? Bet he's tired from the inevitable hardcore cuddle jams you two probably had last night."
I could feel my face growing hot, but I pushed away any notion that I may blush. I would not let that happen. Instead, I tucked my chin down just in case to walk over and stiffly sit into one of the chairs at the small table we had.
"Can it with that already. I won't be having him hear your asshole bullshit."
"That's not denial." He cooed, obviously more than amused by continuing his incessant taunting. My eyes cut up; just enough to send a warning glare of the top of my shades. His grin just grew a bit before he hummed to himself. "Thought so."
Bro one; Dave zero.
He dipped a finger in the large bowl of batter on the counter, but a hand quickly smacked the back of his wrist.
"Dammit Dirk, keep you filthy mits outa there!"
But that only made him snicker quietly while licking the batter off.
"Well, all and all, it's good. I guess I'll keep you around." He hummed a little, walking back out from the counter and sitting across from me.
There was a loud guffaw that tumbled out. "Special recipe from dearest Jane. Her baking skills are so exceptionally superb. When she asked if I wanted the recipe, how could I ever say no?"
While they continued on with their pointless banter, I was still off sulking from the previous close call I had with my damned brother spilling the secret (apparently not so secret), foolish crush on the biggest dork I'd come to know. This sulking of course meant an even more placid expression that usual, squished up by the fists on either of my cheeks.
Within a few minutes, the shuffling of feet traveled down the hall before John emerged. Hair all ruffled and one hand rubbing his eyes and pushing his glasses up before yawning, dammit, dammit, just dammit- too cute for a geeky guy.
My arms fell, crossing on the table as I raised my head. He straightened his glasses back out, flashing that grin at me before being struck by Jake's bellowing voice. It snapped me right out of my momentary lapse in concentration of not letting these feelings get the better of my judgment.
"Well, hello there!" Cutting off a couple burners, he came whipping around the counter and straight over to John with an extended hand. "Jake English, pleasure to meet you.""
John stared at him, wide eyes, for a moment. Almost hesitantly, he reached forward but soon broke back into a wide smile and grasped his hand.
"John Egbert."
"Well isn't that nifty! Our initials match."
"Yeah- I guess… I guess they do!"
They both fell into a fit of laughter before John moved to sit beside me and Jake returned to the kitchen. Plating things and bringing them over, he put them down before sitting on my other side. Almost immediately the two of them plunged right back into conversation about the most random of things. The copious amount of topics seemed to always come back to a wide array of the shittiest movies in history. Bro and I stayed relatively quiet, eating what we could as while observing the two. When either of them said something and made the other one bust out into laughter we always shared that special look of confusion hidden under condescension. It began to become apparent how scarily alike they were. Despite Jake's- interesting, way of speaking, the mannerisms and the quality, or lack thereof, of their jokes were almost identical. Jake spent time telling stories of his adventures through the wild across the country (I'm seriously not kidding about the whole mountain man spiel, I mean come on, really? Can people not see it?) and these just awed John. But in return, hee shared much of his knowledge pertaining to pranking; much to my brother's discontent. He's about as fond, and maybe even less, of the pranks as I am.
And by the time breakfast was over, they had covered every topic imaginable. I was almost surprised how well they hit it off, but taking their interests and over all persona into consideration, I really souldn't have been.
"Well, this was great, but I've got o be off. Duty calls. It was mighty fine meeting you, John." He pushed back from the table, standing and turning.
"It was- uh, jolly good meeting you too!"
A large barreling laugh erupted from Jake's throat at the use of the words. "Exactly! You're a swell fella, I hope these two don't scare you off." He opened the door and waved. "Goodbye Strider- ah, Striders. Heh."
Bro hopped to his feet, swallowing a bite of food and hurrying over to the door. Layering a quick peck to Jake's cheek he returned the goodbye and moved into the kitchen to begin cleaning up the dishes. John tapped my shoulder, and gave me a questioning look as I turned my head back. I tilted my head a bit, unsure what he needed but he just flicked his head up. I looked back to Bro who was busily washing dishes, my expression just as confused when my eyes fell back on him. He gave a quiet sigh, taking hold of my arm and pulling me up. He tugged me down the hall without a word until we were in y room and the door was shut.
"So…" He began, but trailed off, seeing to lose all his momentum for talking.
I paused to see if he would continue, but as usual, he didn't. "So?"
"Your brother." He finally spoke up, but those two words were apparently all I was going to get.
"What about him?"
He stopped again, giving me a look I wasn't exactly sure how to describe.
"And Jake."
Now his eyes were down cast and his fore fingers were pushing against each other in front of his chest. "They're…"
"They're-" The lack of eye contact, awkward movements, sudden flee from the room. It clicked. "Oh."
His eyes flicked back up, but immediately shot down yet again. "yeah, so that's a thing?"
All I could do was nod. "That's a thing." I repeated. "Has been for, hell- I don't even know how long. A couple years at least."
"I see." He began moving around, picking up his things and putting them into a bag on my bed.
I turned to face him as he scurried about. "Something wrong with that?"
"No- I mean, I guess not. I just… wasn't expecting it."
I shrugged, plopping onto my bed beside his bag and leant back on my hands.
"I'm used to it."
"Is it not weird?"
"Nah, they're pretty disgustingly affectionate all the time. You're lucky; that was the PG showing. You don't want to know what I've accidentally witnessed." I cringe just at the memory. I will never come home early again. Even if I was sick, that was an overly hairy site that no one should be mentally scarred with seeing.
He grimaced at the comment before shaking his head. "Oh god, no- just, I meant in general."
My brows furrowed a bit, but I didn't exactly know what he was asking (surprise, surprise)
"You know…" He fidgeted. This kid was so awkward sometimes. "With them being guys and all."
Oh-
Oh.
Oh.
So that's what bothered him,
Well-
Shit.
"You mean to ask, does it bother me that they're gay?"
He nodded slowly, taking a bite at his lip.
"No." Maybe that answer came a bt too fast, but it didn't. How could it? Sure, the affection made me want to gag, but I'm pretty sure that's the normal reaction for someone seeing their brother sucking face with someone. We're not even going to mention the fact of me still trying to suppress my maybe-slightly-kind-of-definitely-for-sure-no-denying-it home feelings towards John.
"Does it bother you?"
"No!" He chirped back. His answer was even quicker than mine, but his tone was a lot higher and clipped. Not very convincing in the least. "I mean, it's their life, and I guess they can do whatever they want. It was just- just a little shocking. I wouldn't have expected it just looking at them. Not that that's a bad thing! Like it's totally cool. I just-"
"John."
He snapped his jaw shut and the shortness of my voice and stared at me.
"Stop blabbering, it's cool. I get it."
He took a deep breath and nodded.
"I wouldn't choose that life, so I guess it's just a tad weird to me."
And there it is.
I can't say my stomach sank, but those words surely didn't make me feel good.
"Yeah, I got that. It's-" Tie to swallow my pride and any shread of emotion I still have that isn't complete denial. "Weird. It doesn't bother me… but- I don't really like it either."
Relief seemed to wash over him, but I could only feel rigid.
"Oh, good. I was afraid you were going to think I'm like some homophobe or something." He laughed a little awkwardly, zipping his bag up. "I'm not- just making that clear- I'm just a little uncomfortable around that kind PDA… You know?"
My chest was tight, jaw clenched, and hands in tight fists behind my back, but I managed a stiff nod anyway.
"Yeah, totally."
Combing his hair down and slinging the bag over his shoulder, he smiled brightly with a wave. "Well, either way, I should be heading home now. This was fun, so we should do it again. But hey," He pointed at me, giving a serious expression before it melted quickly back into a grin. "My house next time."
"Mhm. Definitely."
Good thing my voice was solid. He may have sensed something (probably not) if it hadn't been, but his feet were moving so I stepped out of his way. He popped on his shoes and left my room with another wave, but I remained in my room even after I heard the front door shut.
Damn it all to hell
My eyes stayed on the floor, staring blankly until I calmed my nerves. One of those fists uncurled and ran tugging fingers through my hair before swiping it back into place. The sigh that escaped was shaking as it pushed through parted lips. I quickly brought myself back with the abrupt shake of my head. Heavy feet drug me from the room and back out through the hall. Bro was finishing up the dishes when I returned. He turned his head up with the sound of my footsteps and my voice.
"John left." I said deadpanned.
"I saw." He replied before continuing to scrub at the plate. "He and Jake seemed to hit it off." Pushing the facet handle with his wrist, he shut the water off and placed the dish in the drainer. He then dried his hands off, moving over to the couch and falling into it.
"Yeah, that was clear. It's like they're the same."
"Exactly. Pretty much what I expected."
My brows twitched as I moved closer to the front of the couch.
"Why's that?"
His head titled back so he could look up at me.
"Because, he's your dork."
The statement was so blunt, and he thought it would make immediate sense to me by the tone in his voice. However, when I just stood there silently, he sighed.
"You're a Strider." He paused, giving a light shrug. "We have a thing for dorks."
"Bro, I'm-"
"Ah, shut the fuck up, will ya Dave?" He waved his hand as his voice reigned over mine. "You don't think I can see things about my own brother? You seem to forget I can tell everything you're thinking pass that wall of 'cool and irony'. And right now, I know you've been fawning over that boy for months now. So stop being a little shit about it and denying what's pretty damn obvious."
I stood there with my jaw a little slack and an obviously confused daze. He just stared right back without saying another word. I collapsed into the space beside him, a defeated sigh leaking out. Bringing my knees up, I wrapped my around them and huffed quietly.
"What's the big deal with you admitting it little man? I mean, shit- you don't have to worry bout me or nothin. You know this won't even register on my give a shit bar."
Damn, he was trying to be supportive. I couldn't just blow him off, but it was creepy unusual. Tentatively, I reached up and slid my shades from my face. He needed to know this wasn't the time to push me or make jokes. We had this sort of deal. If either of us removed the very thing that made us feel secure, those iconic masks of assholery, the other did as well. Then was the time to do some serious talking; no pricking or prying, just listening. It was one of the only times when we weren't at each other's throats and being utter dicks. We were actually brothers for once.
Customarily, as soon as I had started the action, he was right behind me. Both pairs were folded on the back of the couch when I turned to face him with my legs brought down to a crossed position. It certainly was intimidating; staring into light orange irises instead of walls of black. No shades. No shield. His eyes were even more fierce than I had remembered from the few times I've seen them. I swallowed hard, opening my mouth repeatedly before the words finally toppled out.
"Yeah, alright. I'm gay. Or- at least I think. I don't really know." My eyes strayed. To the ceiling, the kitchen, the couch. Basically anything that wasn't his face. "It's new? I don't know what to call it."
"You like him though? Oh, wait. I said that wrong. You like, like him."
Obvious mockery.
My fingers began to twiddle a bit and my eyes still wouldn't meet his, but he cleared his throat loudly. That made me snap back. I straightened up and my hands stopped. Head flicking back with my eyes staring at his again. His furrowed brows loosened. I was back in the right mind set. If ever let my emotions get the better of me, he'd set me straight. I need to be strong and solid- not timid. Timidity was weakness to a Strider. Emotions weren't something that could get the better of us.
Well, at least that's what he led me to believe.
"Yes." I replied, but then layered on the annoyed tone. "I like, like him."
"Then what's the problem? Because frankly I feel the strong need to punch you every time you come moping around here."
"John's not gay."
"And?"
My face scrunched. What does he mean 'and'? You'd think the problem would be obvious- apparently not to this dickwad. "And he made it pretty fucking clear he's not." My hands moved out in front of me, point to myself and back out. "And thusly: I. Am attracted. To a guy. Who is straight. Problem seems clear as fucking day light to me."
"Ah shit, that's not a problem." He all but scoffed, eyes actually rolling. That's definitely something I'm not used to seeing. "You think I won Jake over willy-nilly? Hell no, but you're a fucking Strider. We can get anybody we want. Now stop being a little pussy and buck up. Besides, you'll have plenty of chances, so it's not like you have to do it right now."
"And why will I have many chances?"
"Like I said, he's your dork."
"I still don't understand what the hell that means." I shrug, slumping back into the arm of the couch.
"We find a dork, and that's it. You can't get away now." He stood up, giving a hard pat to my shoulder. "You may think it's nothing right now, but it's not going top go away. So don't stop because you pansy ass feelings are hurt. And good luck kid. This isn't going to be easy."
With that, he pocketed his hands and strolled off down the hall I was left on the couch with the shut of his bedroom door.
There was my brother being helpful- and damn was he right. All I could think about were how true those words felt.
This wasn't going to go away-
And it sure as hell wasn't going to be easy.
