A/N: This is not a happy chapter. Feel free to skip it if you feel like reading something fluffy.

Major Angst Warning™.

Disclaimer: I do not own skins. Whatever. Any and all typos, blah blah blah.


(Emily POV)

"Who was that?" Katie asked, as she followed me into my flat.

"A friend." I replied, tossing my keys in the dish by the door.

"Friend? What sort of friend? I know all your friends, and I've never seen her before!"

I shrugged. "What do you want, Katie?" I asked, somewhat tired after the day I'd had. All I wanted was a moment to myself, and now I had my sister in my face. Not that I didn't love her, you understand... But she had a habit of showing up at the most inopportune time, with the most inconsequential bullshit.

"Do I need an excuse to visit my little sister?" She asked. I stared at her, seeing through her question. She hesitated before her shoulders slumped. "Ok... I had a fight with Danny. I just needed some sister time. Is that too much to ask?"

I walked to the sofa and sat down. "Right, so is this the point where you make me tell you what a wonderful guy he is? Katie, I can't even say that with a straight face anymore."

"But, Em-"

"No, Katie. If he's being a cunt to you, just dump the loser already." I sighed. "You deserve so much better than him."

Katie sighed and sat down next to me. "What's wrong with you, then?" She asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Why are you asking when you don't care?" I asked.

"Of course I care, bitch!" Katie snapped back.

I sighed. "Just leave it, Katie... It's nothing you haven't heard before."

"Oh, right. Still going through that phase, then, huh? Babes, it was cute at seventeen, but you really need to get out there and find a blo-"

"Katie!" I said, cutting her off. "It's NOT a fucking phase! What part of 'I'M GAY' do you not understand? Or do I have to dive some muff in front of you to fucking prove it?!"

Katie stared at me in shock. "You're serious with this, aren't you?"

I huffed. "As serious as fucking cancer. Look, if you're going to be a pain, would you just go? I really can't handle your shit right now." I said, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the back of the sofa. I heard movement beside me, and then footsteps moving away from me, and then the click of the front door as it closed. Opening my eyes, I found myself alone.

"Perfect." I muttered to myself. "Can't even be bothered to stay and fight with me."

I looked at the CD that Naomi lent me, sitting on the coffee table. I thought for a moment about listening to it, but quickly concluded I was in no mood to be open minded about new music. I stood up and went over to the stereo, my fingers landing on the first CD on the top of the pile, opening the case and then pushing the button to open the CD tray. I pulled the disc out of its cover, and placed it on the tray, pushing the button so it closed. I skipped to the track I wanted, set it to repeat, and turned up the volume.

As I laid back down on the couch and closed my eyes, the gentle, yet melancholy echoing, repetitive piano tones that I knew so well filling the room. The sounds of steam that served as the songs percussion started up as the voice singing became filled with plaintive emotion. I knew the words of it backwards, it was so simple, yet such a painful lyric, but it matched my mood completely, and I found myself becoming more lost in it as the strain in the voice increased, into a more tortured expression.

Over and over I listened to the song, letting the anger and pain of it filter through me, as an odd form of catharsis that was easier than breaking something, or even writing something at this point. I was wallowing in sorrow, and I bloody well knew it, and didn't much care, either.

And my sorrow was my own fault. My twisted fucked up mind had exposed a part of me that I didn't want anyone to know about, and it cut me so deeply, that I didn't know what to do. I had no idea why Naomi had tried to help me, and I pitied myself that it was even necessary for her to try and do so. I didn't deserve her as a friend, and I wasn't sure I was fit for anything more with her, even though I liked her a lot and wanted it. It felt like I was diving into something head first, but instead of it being a pool of clear water, it was a murky swamp that I couldn't see the bottom of, unable to gauge the depth.

By the fifteenth or sixteenth time the song had played, I pulled myself up off the sofa and switched the CD player off. It was just sound, now. The words that meant so much didn't really make sense anymore, at least not for today. But I had realised something... In the midst of my turmoil, Naomi, for all her attempts at cheering me up, did, in a sense, make it all go away.

I spent the rest of the afternoon moping about my flat, I did some laundry and cleaned up a bit, in an effort to distract myself. It was a vain effort, but I still tried anyway. Tomorrow was Monday, after all, and as much as I was knee deep in my own problems, I had to bloody work tomorrow. By the time it started to get dark, I was partway through a bottle of vodka that was in the freezer. I probably shouldn't have been drinking, but fuck it, I needed some peace before I went completely crazy. But even the alcohol wasn't helping, it just made the sick feeling in my stomach become amplified, and I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. I finished the rest of the glass and stood up, swaying slightly as I did so, putting the vodka back into the freezer. I grabbed my keys and locked the door behind me as I left barely making it down my front steps. Ok, maybe too much vodka, then.

So, I started walking. I pulled the hood of my jacket up over my head and shoved my hands in my pockets, the alcohol heightening the sensation of the awkward movement of my limbs as I walked. My head was spinning, and I was almost on the verge of breaking down, my anguish feeling like a lump in my throat that I couldn't dislodge, no matter how hard I tried to swallow it down. I wasn't even entirely sure where I was headed, but the preoccupation with making sure my feet landed steadily at least slightly distracted me from my own mind. But there was still that tiny voice at the back of it, spouting the same mantra I'd been hearing for years now.

You are truly nothing.

You won't ever be anything.

You are so fucked up, Emily. No one will ever truly love you because of that.

Yeah, that last one was Katie's little piece of wisdom as she left the flat, the day she moved out. Nice, huh? I doubt she event remembered saying it. But me... I never forgot anything. It's always the shitty things people say that stick with you, no? We barely remember the praise that people bestow on us, or if you're like me, it just rubs at you the wrong way, even if you know deep inside how brilliant you are at something. It's much easier to remember the negative, it almost feels right to do so, whereas the good things people say get swallowed by your own misconception of just how good you really are. That was what happened that night. That's what put me into this dark hole that was so overwhelmingly pitch black that I couldn't see a way out of it. Not even a sliver of light in the darkness that served a guiding purpose.

At least...not since Naomi had left that afternoon. As dreadful as I felt, I did feel a little bit lighter around her, and I suppose that's why I eventually found myself standing outside her flat. Somehow I'd managed to remember the way there, I don't know if it was my mind playing tricks on me or what.

I stood there for what felt like a long time, trying to talk myself out of knocking on the door. Naomi didn't need my bullshit... She was a happy enough person it seemed, and I really, really didn't want to drag her into my mess. She was too good for it, and I was no good for anyone, and especially not her. I turned to walk back down the steps, when the door opened behind me. Fuck. I turned around to see a brunette leaning against the doorframe, eyeing me curiously.

"Um..." I said, not sure what to say.

The brunette smirked at me slightly. "You...must be Emily."

"Ah... Yeah." I said, slurring slightly, seeing as there was still a large amount of vodka in my bloodstream.

"And you're here to see Naomi." She said, matter-of-factly.

I opened my mouth, but the response of 'no, it's fine, I'll come back later' which I had intended to say wasn't managing to break past my teeth anytime soon. I closed my mouth again and sighed, nodding.

"Come in." The brunette said, standing aside to let me in. I hesitated, and then walked inside. "I'm Effy, by the way."

I nodded in reply. "Yeah, Freddie's girlfriend, right?"

"Yeah." Effy replied. "Naomi's in her room. Don't mind me, I'm about to go out. Go on through."

I managed a weak smile. "Thanks."

Effy nodded, and left me standing there. I walked down the hall and stood in front of Naomi's door. I sighed, because my mind was hesitating to tell my arm to lift itself up and knock. But, it seemed my body knew by instinct what it wanted, and the hollow sound of soft knocking reached my ears, as I registered the contact on my knuckles. The door handle rattled, and then the door itself swung open.

"Effy, I've told you, you don't have to kno- Oh. Emily." She said, with a surprised smile on her face. It quickly faded, though once she took in my expression. She took my hand and gently pulled me into the room, closing the door behind us. She led me to the bed and sat me down, sitting next to me and holding my hand in her own. "Are you alright?"

I swallowed hard, trying to fight back the flood, but it was useless. I was going to break, and once again I was going to do it in front of the only person who could mean something good to me. You fucking idiot, Emily.

"It's all dark." I said, almost choking on my words.

"What is?" She whispered.

"Everything." I said. "Everything is dark... But you... You are the light." Tears began to slide down my cheeks. It's a really horrible feeling when you are trying your hardest not to crack, but the tears just slip out of the cracks that are already there, spilling down like little rivers of sadness. I laid back onto her bed, unable to stop my drunken emotions from flooding out. So, I lay there, my eyes screwed shut and salty tears trickling down my temples and into my ears.

I felt Naomi lie back next to me, her arm sliding across my stomach, holding me as I cried. Out of instinct, I turned onto my side and curled into a ball, and she pulled me closer to her, gently stroking her fingers through my hair as I sobbed into her chest.

I'm such a fuck up.

But, fuck up or not, she still held me as I cried. And that was the sympathetic nature that Naomi seemed to have. She was already taking care of me, as though we had been together for ages. She just knew how to make it better, even if only by a little. I couldn't explain why, but she was functioning as the calm in my personal storm. The logical part of me was grateful for it, but the emotional side was a total wreck over it.

I thought I was stronger than this.

I lay in her arms for a very long time, I don't know exactly how long... It could have been minutes, or hours, but, being half drunk, my sense of time was all fucked up anyway.

"You don't deserve this." I finally croaked. "I don't understand how you want to be with me when I can't function properly."

"Oh, Emily... I know there is much more to you than your mood right now... I like you for who you are."

"Yeah, but you can't say that this is much fun. I'm a fucking mess."

"You aren't always, though." She said softly. "You are also a wonderful, talented person. I know you have a big heart, too." I exhaled a shaky breath against her neck. She pulled back from me and wiped the tears from my cheeks with her thumbs, looking into my eyes. "You've been drinking?"

I blinked hard and nodded. "Just a little." I said. "I'm sorry."

"Bit hard not to notice, hun... The smell of vodka is a bit of a giveaway."

"Yeah well... I went for a walk to clear my head and somehow ended up here. Sorry if I'm barging in." I explained.

"Oh..." Naomi said, kissing my forehead softly. "I'd never think that you were barging in at all. I'm glad you came."

"Why? I'm a drunken blubbering mess." I said, sadly.

"True, but you're my friend. And even drunken and blubbering... I don't let my friends down when they need a shoulder to cry on." She said.

"I don't deserve you." I muttered.

"So you keep telling me." Naomi replied.

"I just want something I can never have." I said, echoing the words of the song that had become so well-known to me, it felt like it was part of my bloodstream.

"And what's that?" Naomi asked, softly.

I sighed, deeply. "To be able to be with you and not drag you down with me. I'll do it, Naomi. It wouldn't be a conscious thing, but it happens with everyone I know."

"What if I told you I was different?"

"I know you are different. You wouldn't want to give up on me, and that's why I'll drag you down. I'm just poison, Naomi... I'm like that dark bottle with a skull and crossbones painted on it."

"I don't believe that for a second." She replied, kissing my forehead. "You have problems, but then, so does everybody."

"Yeah."

"Why won't you let me help you, baby?" She asked, her eyes meeting mine. I saw the concern in them, and it nearly broke what I felt was left of me.

"I'm a lost cause, that's why." I whispered. "I'm just no good."

"You can't honestly believe that?"

I looked into her eyes, and saw the concern in them as she registered the coldness that I knew was in my own.

"Oh." She whispered, as her brow furrowed.

I sat up, and ran my hands over my face to get rid of the moisture. Naomi sat up next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. But it didn't feel right, at least not to me... It felt as uncomfortable as the coldness inside me felt. It all felt so wrong. I shrunk away, and couldn't stop the next words that came from my lips.

"Can I have my journal back, please?"

"Um... Sure." She said, standing up and moving to the bedside table to pick it up. She handed it to me as I stood up, and I placed it into the pocket of my hoodie.

"Thanks." I whispered. It felt so wrong to be here with her... I just had to leave. I looked up at her, and she looked back at me, with worry in her eyes, as well as pity... Or maybe sympathy, I wasn't quite sure. Either way, I didn't like the way it made me feel. If I'd felt cold inside before, i had just been pushed into mountainous territory, complete with jagged rocks, snow and ice. She lifted her hand to cup my cheek, but I shied away from it. "Don't." I whispered. Her brow furrowed in confusion, but she dropped her hand anyway. "I'm sorry." I said, and turned to the door, opening it.

"Emily..." She said, and I turned to look at her questioning eyes.

I simply shook my head and walked out of the room, closing the door behind me. I made my way out of the flat, too choked up to even say goodbye to her flatmate as I left.


A/N#2: More eventually. The song Emily listens to is 'Something I Can Never Have' by Nine Inch Nails, from the album Pretty Hate Machine, if anyone wishes to listen.

Until next time...

~GN~ xo