The Uncanny Avengers

Chapter 9: It's a Madhouse! A Madhouse!

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.


Murderworld-

Carol Danvers woke up with a groan.

'Oh God. I hope I didn't have a relapse and end up going on a bender…' Carol groaned as she rubbed her eyes.

'You are not the victim of an alcoholic drinking spree.' A robotic voice explained. 'I believe we have been kidnapped.'

Carol blinked a few times as her vision adjusted to her surroundings. She was stranded in a clearing in the middle of nowhere. She was also surrounded by a forest of weirdly-shaped gnarled trees.

'That cab driver…' Carol began.

'Yes. He was our kidnapper.' The synthezoid Avenger known as the Vision nodded. 'I believe we are presently located in a place known as Murderworld.'

'Arcade…' Carol surmised. 'Just wait until I get my hands on that little freak…'

Carol then looked down at herself.

'Wait… Why am I in my Warbird gear?' Carol scratched her head in confusion.

'I have surmised that Arcade enlisted one of his lackeys to change our attire.' Vision deduced.

'It's all right for you, Vizh.' Carol sniffed. 'You can change your form at will. The damn pervs most probably saw me naked. I bet there are pictures plastered all over the internet by now…'

'Vengeance will have to wait, Warbird…' Vision told the blonde former Airforce cutie as he cocked his head as if he had just heard something. 'We are not alone…'

Carol looked up into the trees around them and saw many sets of beady yellow eyes leering back at her.

'Yeah, I kinda got that feeling…' Carol sighed.


Elsewhere-

Simon Williams and Felicia Hardy were running for their lives across the beach that they had woken up on. No sooner had Arcade finished his introduction, machine guns burst out from the ground and let rip. Simon barely had enough time to dive in front of Felicia to protect her from the hail of bullets with his invincible ionic form.

'You really know how to show a girl a good time, Simon.' Felicia huffed as she dove behind a palm tree at the beach's edge. 'What do you do for a second date? Give me a tour of Castle Doom?'

'I'm not sure this is the right time for jokes, 'Licia.' Simon panted as he leant against the tree and tried to regain his breath. 'We have to find Carol and Vizh.'

'That's if either of us survives this party.' Felicia grunted as she scratched her back. 'Damn catsuit. Leather and sand so do not mix.'

'Makes me glad that I'm made out of ionic particles.' Simon remarked gratefully.

'So, what's the game plan?' Felicia inquired. 'Or are we just going to run through this gauntlet and hope for the best?'

'Well, I think that following the signs to the exit would be a good idea.' Simon told the ex cat-burglar as he indicated a big yellow sign above his head.

'That's exactly what Arcade wants us to do.' Felicia pointed out. 'We'd be walking into a trap!'

'And just what would you like us to do, sweetie?' Simon sighed. 'Go back onto the beach and get machine-gunned to death?'

Felicia just rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

'Fine, let's go with your plan.' She huffed.


Warbird and Vision-

Carol's hands began to glow with unreleased energy.

'Wait... are those things… squirrels?' Carol blinked.

'It would seem so.' Vision nodded.

'A little unlike Arcade to send fluffy animals to kill his enemies.' Carol blinked.

'These are not mechanical constructs.' Vision pointed out. 'They are real squirrels.'

'Okay, so the guy's started to mind-control animals.' Carol shrugged.

'I do not believe these creatures are under Arcade's control.' Vision surmised. 'I have detected another individual nearby…'

Carol turned around as she heard a series of squeaks emanating from the tree right above her head. Much to her amazement, there was a human figure crouching in the branches above her head. The figure was a young brown-haired female dressed in a brown bodysuit with fuzzy white highlights, boots and claws. What was most unusual was the fact that the young girl had a bushy tail as well.

'It's all right…' The stranger explained. 'They won't hurt you. I've told them to stand back.'

Carol stepped back as the stranger leapt down from the tree to land in front of her. Carol could tell from the way the girl landed that she was injured: the girl was leaning heavily on her left leg.

'I'm Squirrel Girl, by the way.' The girl introduced herself, smiling sweetly. 'And you guys must be Avengers.'

'You learn quick, kid.' Carol nodded. 'I hope you don't mind us asking, but how did you get dragged into this mess?'

'The last thing I remember was interrupting a mugging in Central Park.' Squirrel Girl remembered. 'Then… nothing.'

'We were kidnapped on a night out.' Carol sniffed. 'You must think lots of us, the World's Mightiest Heroes getting kidnapped like rank amateurs.'

'We all have our off days.' Squirrel Girl shrugged. 'Heck, even Iron Man does. I even rescued him from Dr Doom once.' (1)

'Yeah, we heard about that.' Carol chuckled slightly. 'Poor Shell Head. It wasn't his day.'

'You guys do have a plan, don't you?' Squirrel Girl asked with some concern.

Carol scratched the back of her neck in embarrassment.

'Umm, truthfully… No, I've drawn a blank.'

Squirrel Girl held her face in her hands.

'We are so screwed…'


Wonder Man and Black Cat-

Simon and Felicia had finally made their way off the beach and were now in some kind of weird maze.

'Oh, mazes.' Felicia groaned. 'Just lovely.'

'Not feeling claustrophobic, are you?' Simon asked.

'No.' Felicia shook her head. 'I just don't like mazes. I got lost in one as a kid.'

'I got lost in Wal-Mart once.' Simon pointed out. 'Okay, it was only a week ago, but still…'

'You suck, Simon.' Felicia snickered.

'Oh, just you wait until the next time you go into Wal-Mart.' Simon sniffed. 'Getting around isn't as easy as you think.'

'You can fly, though.' Felicia countered. 'Why didn't you just fly out of there?'

Simon cleared his throat nervously.

'Umm… because I was drunk?' He smiled innocently. Felicia dropped in astonishment. 'What? It was Wanda's birthday and we had a big party. I still can't remember how we ended up in Wal-Mart though…'

Felicia decided to change the subject.

'So, how do we get out of this maze?' Felicia asked. 'I don't think it's worth you flying us up there. Arcade's most probably got some kind of safeguard against that…'

'I could smash my way through the walls…' Simon suggested.

'Good plan.' Felicia grinned. 'Well? Don't just stand there, get smashing…'

Simon did as he was told and punched a hole through the maze wall.

'Well, go on…' Felicia ushered him onwards. 'Get on with it…'

Simon opened his mouth to reply but decided that he may as well get on with it. Simon popped his head through the wall and pulled it back in just as a giant axe came swinging past.

'Let's not go that way…' Simon pointed out with a wince.


Warbird and Vision-

Carol and Vision were flying through the forest. Squirrel Girl was hot on their heels as she leapt across the branches with her squirrel friends. They were being chased by chainsaw-wielding tree monsters.

'I knew this was too good to be true.' Carol groused as she turned around and blasted one tree monster into splinters. 'It was just too quiet.'

'Saying that everything is too quiet is a sure-fire way to jinx it.' Squirrel Girl quipped out as she leapt onto another tree monster and bit it, making the creature howl in pain.

'Blech. Splinters!' Squirrel Girl spat with a wince. 'Not to self: don't do that again.'

'We cannot keep this up forever.' Vision said as he phased his way through one more tree creature. 'These creatures will soon overwhelm us.'

'Then I think you two had better shield your eyes.' Carol instructed.

Vision and Squirrel Girl both did as they were told and covered their eyes as Carol took out the whole lot of tree creatures with a huge energy blast.

'Is it over?' Squirrel Girl opened one of her eyes cautiously. 'Are the tree monsters finished?'

'Not enough of them to make a toothpick.' Carol put her hands on her hips with a pleased grin.

'At least we have a clear path to the exit.' Vision noticed. 'We should depart before more of these creatures appear to take the place of their fallen comrades.'

'Sounds good to me.' Squirrel Girl nodded as she called her squirrel friends around her. 'The sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can eat. I lost my nut pouches in the battle.'

'Don't worry, kid.' Carol patted her young companion on the shoulder. 'Jarvis has got a whole barrel of nuts back at the mansion.'

Squirrel Girl looked at Carol in disbelief.

'You're actually letting me into Avengers Mansion?' She sputtered.

'I don't see why not.' Carol shrugged. 'You did good work out there. The Avengers need somebody just like you on the team. Hell, you beat up Dr Doom. Who apart from the Fantastic Four can honestly say that they've done that?'

'Are you sure that the others will let me join?' Squirrel Girl asked.

Carol just smirked at the girl.

'If not, we'll just tell the other Avengers about the time you saved Iron Man from Dr Doom.'


Wonder Man and Black Cat-

Simon and Felicia had found their way out of their maze without too many major injuries. They were now heading for a giant flashing exit sign.

'You do realise that this is most probably gonna be another trap, don't you?' Felicia pointed out. 'The whole place is one giant freakin' trap!'

'Did Spider-Man ever tell you that you are an insufferable pessimist?' Simon asked.

'Did the Scarlet Witch ever tell you that you have the cutest tush?' Felicia retorted with a cheeky smile.

'More often than not, yes she did.' Simon nodded. 'She often waxed lyrically about my tush.'

'Waxing lyrical?' Felicia frowned. 'What the heck does that mean?'

'I have no idea.' Simon admitted. 'I just like using big words.'

'Indubitably.' Felicia smirked.

Simon led Felicia on as the cautiously entered what could only be Murderworld's control room.

'Okay… This isn't right…' Felicia narrowed her eyes. 'Where's Arcade?'

'Gone for a pee?' Simon suggested.

'I don't like it…' Felicia continued. 'It's too quie-mmf!'

Simon quickly put his hand over Felicia's mouth.

'Don't even finish that sentence, 'Licia!' Simon hissed. 'Or you'll jinx it.'

Felicia just rolled her eyes.

The pair turned as one as a nearby door swooshed open.

'Whoa-whoa-whoa!' Carol hissed. 'It's us. Friends, remember?'

'Nice to see you guys got out of this place is one piece.' Felicia sighed. 'Not that we're actually out of here yet.'

'This is the control room, right?' Carol scratched her head. 'Then where the heck is Arcade?'

'I cannot detect his presence nearby.' Vision reported as his inbuilt sensors completed a scan of the room. 'Arcade has vacated the premises.'

'Does anybody hear that sound?' Felicia cocked her head. 'It sounds like… beeping.'

'It's a bomb!' Squirrel Girl yelled in realization.

The quintet of heroes dashed about as they tried to pinpoint the source of the beeping.

'I've got it!' Squirrel Girl called from her position under the control desk.

'You don't happen to have a degree in bomb diffusing, would you?' Felicia asked hopefully.

'No…' Squirrel Girl shook her head. 'But I have watched a lot of TV.'

Felicia groaned into her hands.

'We are so screwed…'

'Cut the red wire!' Carol instructed.

'No, the green wire!' Simon added.

'There isn't a green wire here!' Squirrel Girl retorted.

'I believe it is invariably the blue wire.' Vision contributed. 'At least in incendiary devices such as this.'

'Okay, I'm gonna cut the blue wire…' Squirrel Girl nodded.

'Cut it how?' Simon asked. 'We don't have any wire-cutters.'

'Then I guess I'll have to chew through the wires.' Squirrel Girl looked down at the bomb solemnly..

'Please tell me you're kidding.' Felicia said.

'I don't think she is kidding.' Carol shook her head. 'Chewing through the wires of a bomb. Heh. That's a change.'

The four Avengers held their breath. Well, the Avengers that could breathe held their breath, the Vision just waited patiently. One false move and they would all be blown to bits. Their lives were in the hands of Squirrel Girl now…

Simon reached out to hold Felicia's hand. Felicia looked back at him and bit her lip nervously. This was one of the most unusual dates that the vigilante known as Black Cat had ever been on, and she had dated Spider-Man!

'Done it!' Squirrel Girl breathed a sigh of relief as she popped her head out from under the control desk. 'We're safe.'

The Avengers all exhaled in relief. They could breathe again.

'Thank God for that…' Simon sighed. 'I think I need a new change of pants.'

'I'm not even wearing any.' Felicia added before looking around at her fellows' expressions. 'A little too much information?'

Carol just shook her head and helped Squirrel Girl to her feet.

'Well Squirrel Girl, you did great work back there. Kicking butt and defusing that bomb. So, if it's all right with you guys, I'd like to offer you a place in the Avengers.'

Squirrel Girl beamed happily.

'Omigosh! Are you for real? Can I really join the Avengers?'

'Yup.' Carol smiled.

Squirrel Girl bounced up and down excitedly.

'Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigosh! I'm gonna join the Avengers! Yay me! Woo-hoo!'

Felicia smirked at the sight and leant over to whisper to Simon.

'Well, I'd say that was a positive, wouldn't you?'

TBC…


Next: Welcome To The Avengers, We Hope You Survive…

Squirrel Girl's first mission with the Avengers is a doozy! Savage Land Mutates break the Lizard out of jail and lead the Avengers on a merry chase all the way to the Savage Land. Guest starring: Spider-Man!


Author's Notes-

(1)- Squirrel Girl saved Iron Man from Dr Doom in her first appearance, Marvel Superheroes #8: Winter Special.