GOD DAMMIT WE TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS STORY! Well, no, Raquel's been working on it, trying to make it all deep and shit. It's her life story after all, more exaggerated on the love stuff though. Everything else is the same.

Just a disclaimer: we don't own the mortal instruments :P

Sorry if we didn't edit this well. We wanted to upload it so desperately we just did a quick skim through.

Shoutout to xxAmnaxx who had sent an amazing PM relating to this story. Those tears of sympathy :') Love ya 3


At the end of the school day, Clary grabbed her things from her locker and ran. No eyes escaped her and it was scaring her out of her lace underwear. Walking as fast as she could, she made it to her bike and started unlocking it with her keys.

"Calm down, you don't have a stalker going after you," came a familiar voice.

"I think that stalker is you." Clary lifted her face up from the lock and stared at the golden figure in front of her.

"Ouch," hissed Jace, holding a hand to his heart. "Izzy wants you to come over tomorrow for training. Don't decline because of me, I came to apologize for this morning anyway. If you're not gonna accept it though, I guess I'll be going then."

"All right, all right." Clary knew she'd only feel guilty for not accepting an apology so sighed and said, "I'll go. Apology accepted, though you haven't actually said anything."

"What do you want me to do then? Beg on my knees for forgiveness? Give you a ride home?" Jace started rambling on and on about the possibilities until she stopped him with a simple request.

"Hold my bag for a second." She took her schoolbag off her back and stretched out her hand to him.

"Is that it?" She nodded. Jace took the bag, accidentally sliding his hand over hers. "Uh, Clary?" She quickly moved her hand away but Jace's free hand was quicker. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, Jace." Covering that scar of hers wasn't very easy, she knew. That knife she used to cut her wrist that time, 4 years ago, was a demonic blade. It would never heal, and she knew it would always leave a deep scar. His hand wrapped around her wrist firmly, almost covering the pale white line. His eyes landed on the tiny pale line and curiosity struck him in the head.

"I'm not talking about your wrist, I'm talking about what's on it." He slipped his hand further up on her arm, moving the bracelet she always wore over it, and forced her hand to relax so it would expose the scar. "You did this to yourself," he knew.

"Why do you care?" Clary snapped, forcefully pulling her hand away and slipping down the silver bracelet.

"I'm a friend," Jace replied tersely. "When did you do this?" He was serious and angry. No, he was pissed. Clary didn't know how to answer until her sharp tongue brought her back.

"That's none of your business." Quickly, she bent down to tie her shoelaces, fighting to stop the tears. A closed wound in her heart just opened because of her recklessness, as well as Jace and his ever so stubborn attitude.

"Am I the only one who knows this?" She shook her head. Slowly, her body began to rise from the ground and she stretched out her hand to take her schoolbag from the Shadowhunter. "Jon? Your Mum?" She shook her head again. "By the Angel, give me an answer, will you?!"

"Why should I?" Her voice cracked as she pulled on the straps. "You're just an egotistical bastard who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. I'll give you an answer when I can actually see that you care. I'll let you know one other thing." With a small hiccup she looked into Jace's eyes. She could feel tears about to form but kept his gaze. His mouth hung slightly open and his eyes were wide, pupils dilated.

"I don't let people in easily. Remind you of someone?" She got onto her bike and started pedalling away, the back of her hand wiping the tears from her face, strands of flaming hair sticking to her cheeks, and a bleeding heart that has released the nightmares she called memories.


That night, Clarissa scrambled through to the bottom of her closet, finding an old box full of dust. She quickly opened it and found letters and a leather bound book. She carefully brought it out of the cardboard box and opened the lock at the push of a button on the side. Her childish handwriting filled the page and her the memories that she had buried so deep inside had come back to her.

Dear Diary,

I've just started to go to school and even though I haven't made any friends, I can see the difference between the people here and back home. I can't seem to adjust to this fact, saying Canada is where I'll be living from now own. It's done me good, really, but I can't seem to grasp that very well. I miss Sophie. She's held the burden of keeping my secret for the past few years and I wish I could use a rune to make her forget all that. Then again, I don't want to use my stele. It's still locked in its box and won't be opened until I'm fully healed. I don't know when that time will come but maybe soon. I haven't held a knife to cut myself in a while. Not since that last one. It's healed and as expected, it left quite the scar. Quite the finale, might I say. I don't think I'll ever go back there again. I might make one friend soon, maybe. I don't know, but I can surely say that I'm not as glum here.

I'll go back to see Grandma and Sophie one day. I can't go on without them knowing of my improvement. My academic abilities are better and I can't wait until I see their faces again.

~Clarissa Adele-Fairchild Morgenstern


Tears streaked her face at the diary entry she randomly opened too. Her last entry was the start of high school. Even through the blur, she managed to read it.

Dear Diary,

I don't have many pages left but that won't be a problem. I'm starting high school today and I think I'll make some friends. I've been watching others make friends and I think I can do that too. There isn't enough space for me to write more so I'll keep this short. I'm deciding to write 3 promises that won't ever break for myself. (1) Never cut myself again. (2) Never lose my first real friend. (3) When I'm ready, use my stele, and train like Dad taught us. To be the best Shadowhunters of our generation.

These are the promises I will never break and will fulfill. So, there it is. I'm done with this diary. I won't open this until someone asks about my past or seems to notice that I actually hide it. I wonder who that'll be. But I know it'll be someone who honestly care about me to the depths of their heart. Whoever it is, I'll tell them everything, that's a promise too. I will never lose their friendship or trust. That's my last promise.

~Clarissa Adele-Fairchild Morgenstern


The last part struck Clarissa in the heart. It was Jace who saw it and questioned it. He was the one who pushed on the subject but she rejected him. I will never lose their friendship or trust. How was she supposed to keep that promise? The thought only made her cry more.


Wounds, blisters, rashes, why is it that I need to make more of them? The sounds of twitching lights, the creaky hospital bed. Isolation. Anyone, help me? I want my stele back, but it just hurts even more. I want to run away, but the surface of my skin prevents me from doing so. Can I escape into my mind? I'll need to burn these memories away soon. But how can I let go of something so painful yet sentimental?

Sweat, heat, and clothes stuck to her skin. Unable to bare the pain any longer, she forced open her eyes, waiting to see the bright LED lights that greeted her. No, it was just a dream, a memory. A memory from 4 years ago.

"Are you all right?" Clarissa turned her head at the soft voice. It was her mother.

"I… don't know." Gently, her mother dabbed a towel she had found in Clarissa's bathroom and dabbed it along her forehead.

"I can tell what you dreamed of just by the look in your eyes," she sighed. "Don't worry. It won't happen again." Her mother helped Clarissa sit up slightly, leaning her body against her. It was all from reading that god damn diary.

"How can you be so sure?" Clarissa gripped onto her mother's shirt tightly. A tear went down her face. Ones that haven't appeared ever since she left Hong Kong, her birth place.

"I'm your mother. That's all the reason you need." It wasn't long before the teenage girl was in her bed.


The next few weeks at school, passed and she was still getting unwanted attention. 2 months passed and nothing changed. People continuously gossiped and both Simon and Izzy were trying to force Clary into talking with Jace. He was keeping his distance too after that day he ound out about her scar. She was thanking all angels he respected that part and wouldn't pry. At least he has a tiny heart, thought Clary each time they passed in the halls.

Clary got out of her brother's car and rushed to her locker while ignoring as many glares and stares a possible.

"It's true what they say," came Izzy to Clary's right. "A girl in love makes them prettier." She dropped her books.

"Excuse me?!" Her head slowly turned to the dark haired girl and found her with Simon, arms linked. Well, they sure weren't trying to hide their relationship.

"You like Jace, right? You just don't want him to force himself into this relationship thing," Simon explained.

"No. You've got it all wrong. Give me the lecture and I'll be on my way," sighed Clary, packing her satchel. These talks about not confronting Jace in any way was starting to infuriate her best friends. She only had minor friends and these two (which she prayed wouldn't force her into a third wheel position).

"He isn't going to talk to you again until you do," said Simon sternly.

"I can't focus on that right now. We're getting closer to exam week and I'm still behind in Mathematics," argued Clary.

"A wave or a smile would be enough to satisfy him. Do you know how often he just sits in his room staring playing with his chains? Its like he's thinking about you which is kinda weird since he doesn't think at all." Izzy tried and tried but Clary shook her head no nonetheless.

"All right, I've had enough. Would it help if I slept over at the Institute? I'd have no choice but to see him somehow and I need to help Alec with his Two Heavens Technique anyway." Clary never invited herself over but Izzy would never refuse. She always accused her of being too composed and uptight around people she didn't know (which was true) and that she needed to be more of a risk-taker. Yeah, not going to happen.

"Yes, yes, yes, I'll make dinner too!" offered Izzy, a lightbulb on her head.

"I'm the one intruding, I'm making dinner. You can't stop me. See you at lunch." The redhead made a break for it before her future parabatai could protest. No one would see the light of day again once Izzy's food was in their mouth. The least she could do was save everyone a day with her cooking.


That day, after school, Clary walked home to gather her things (training clothes in particular) and waited for Izzy to come by and pick her up. Even if she knew the way to the Institute and it was at a 30 minute walking distance, she insisted anyway.

When the doorbell rang, she pulled over her tiny bag and walked to the door, prepared for verbal harassment from the dark-haired girl. Yeah, no, it was more like tensional silence with a golden featured guy.

"She told me to pick you up," he muttered, hands shoved in his black jean pockets. I should have known, thought Clary bitterly.

"Fine." I closed the door behind me and locked it, checking off things in my head that I had done before leaving the house. Texted her mother that she'd be going to Izzy's place, check. Finished all homework and assignments, check. Left some dinner out for Jonathan, check. Locked the door, check. Mm, she was all set.

Clary walked past Jace and waited for him to unlock the door. Instead, he came around and opened the door for her…? She muttered 'thank you' and got in the brand-new-smelling car. Jace pulled out of the driveway and began to drive to the Institute.

"I'm sorry," said Jace quietly. "I shouldn't have pried." The look on Jace's face looked utterly sincere and Clary just couldn't stop staring at him. The way he leant over the window and had a lazy right arm against the wheel. How his golden tousled hair blew in the wind as the car sped off on the streets. Clary just couldn't stop.

All of a sudden, with those thoughts, heartfelt words from her two best friends had come into her head.

He told me once that was how he could see you were different and was grinning over it…You're the closest anyone has ever gotten to being 'friends' with Jace in such a short amount of time… It's a good thing that he has a closer friend than just me and someone who isn't his brother…

"It's okay," she replied. "I shouldn't have been so hard on you." Clary rubbed her hands together and sighed. Whoever it is, I'll tell them everything, that's a promise too. Why did that line have to come up in her head now? She only read that entry once so why did it stick in her head so clearly? It that was a promise though, to herself specifically, she couldn't bring herself to break it.

"I did it few times before I came to Canada. The one on my wrist was the last." She shamelessly looked down at her hands and refused to look anywhere else. A bracelet covered that scar and always had whenever she went out. Maybe some people took notice of it but Izzy didn't really bring herself to care about her choice of accessories.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I've hurt you enough," assured Jace, his eyes landing on her heartbroken face.

"I think I should." The words slipped out before she could go against them.

"If you want to, I'll listen. I doubt you'd ever repeat it." Clary sighed and was grateful that these were the times where he didn't act like an egotistical bastard. She knew he could be sympathetic and understanding, especially with his past that only she knew. He was right about repeating this. She never would. If so, she'd get Jace to explain it.

"When I was younger, my Dad wanted to use my brother and I to help take over the Shadow World. But before that could happen, we were both diagnosed with eczema. Do you know what it is?" Clary finally let her eyes focus on Jace. He nodded in response.

"Jonathan told me about it once. He said it was a skin disease both of you had." Clary nodded.

"It made a pretty big impact on his plans which resulted in his death. That's what Izzy knows, but she doesn't know the deeper meaning of that." Jace's eyes widened at that. By the look on his face, Clary could automatically read what his mind was saying. Izzy doesn't know this? She trusts me that much? How should I react to this? Clary didn't know how to react either, but she thought this was for the best so she continued on.

"He made my brother and I feel like shit. That's when I started to… cut myself. Sophie, our maid who has the Sight, she knew about it and made me promise not to cut myself for any small issues and only if I really felt that I needed too. She's the only other person who knows about this. I don't know how Jonathan took it though." She paused for a second and looked up at Jace. He was keeping his eye on the road but the multiple expressions on his face made Clary realize he wasn't missing a word she said.

"I had stayed at the hospital a multiple of times before we moved and our dermatologist had told me to tell the rest of them his suggestion of moving to Canada. Jonathan didn't take it so well and I lost it. We started yelling across the dining table and I don't remember it so well but I think we both said some things we didn't mean. After that, this scar happened and that was that."

A tensional silence filled the atmosphere between them and neither of them looked each other in the eye; until Jace stopped at a red light and was able to bring his attention to the broken redhead.

"Clary, you didn't have to tell me all that, but if it made you feel better, I'm glad. I know how hard it is to open up to people. I mean, I did runaway and my parents didn't exactly have the best relationship. I had thoughts about cutting myself at a point, the day before I ran. I could never bring myself to do it though. When the Lightwoods took me in, I said nothing about my past and only said what I wanted for my future. They didn't push on the subject anymore and I think they knew why. I'm not sure about that though."

The two looked at each other and once the light hit green, Jace pulled his face towards the road and Clary's eyes went back down onto her lap.

"Simon said you never told anyone about your past," started Clary. "Why did you tell me?"

Jace hesitated for a second, reluctant to talk about it.

"You don't have to answer that," Clary said quickly. "I was just-"

"No, its fine," Jace shook his head, a sad smile on his face. He looked out at the open road and said, "You told me the past you didn't want to remember so I should tell you mine." Clary listened just as he did to her story.

"Ever since I was small, my parents both fought and always hid it from their friends. I kept quiet about it because I knew that whoever knew would take me away from them. Despite their attitude towards me which was quite loving, they could never get along with each other. So, I was basically the bridge that connected them both. One night after a party with their friends, they started arguing till morning and by then I knew it would never be resolved if I was around. From what I heard around school and stuff, I knew it wasn't healthy to have parents that argued over the littlest of things and thought it was best if I left the house. And that's what I did. When I found out they had hurt each other to death and were almost unrecognizable, I went through this state of depression and brought myself to a psychologist, therapist, whatever you call it, without telling anyone about it. They helped and I still see them sometimes, just not as often as I use to. Up till this day, no one but you knows that so keep it to yourself, please."

"Same goes for me," Clary agreed. He nodded and continued.

"When the Lightwoods took me in, as I hope you remember, I didn't tell them a thing about my past. I guess I was just scared to talk about it."

"I totally know how you feel," chuckled Clary, lighting the mood a bit.

"Are you feeling okay?" asked Jace wholeheartedly. "I just, uh…"

Saving his embarrassment scene, Clary smiled and said, "Jace, calm down. I'm not going to kill you or anything. I'm glad you asked. I'm not sure if it means you care or not but I'm going to assume it does." Jace made no response to that. With her strong Voyance rune though, she could see the faintest amount of pink on his cheeks as his eyes focused on the road.

"Well, you sure are tense," muttered Clary.

"I was just thinking of apologizing about that scene I caused for you. I didn't really expect that to happen. I went too far."

"Nah, it's okay," she reassured at the sight of Jace's worried face. His eyes wavered and ran his hands through his hair. "Loosen up will ya? I'll spar with you later. I'm fine, really." I am, but he doesn't look so good.

"As long as you're fine, I guess I'll live as well," chuckled Jace sending a small smile in her direction. He pulled up to the back of the Institute. "I don't want to get my ass kicked by a girl," mumbled Jace.

"You're admitting defeat? Who are you and what have you done with the egoist of a Shadowhunter?" Clary joked.

"Oh, you want the bitchy version of me? That won't be too hard, but be prepared for the dirty talk," he winked. They both laughed as they got out of the car.

"Fine, let's make a deal. We spar once and if I win, you're not allowed to be the general egotistical bastard until after the sleepover."

"If I win, I can harass you with my dirty mind however I like until after the sleepover as well. Deal?"

The shook hands on it.


Raquel and her guy friend who she refuses to name, also had this going on. They played League of Legends and had a similar deal. Apparently, we're not allowed the details. Hope this chapter was worth the wait. If it's not, tell us what we could improve. No flames please :)