Hello.
Im so tired all the time now...
its been so long since we've talked
So much has happened.

I finally decided to experiment
I got a knife and gave myself a little cut on my hip
when my mother was out getting my father

it hurt
but it felt so good
then later that day
i stole on of my mothers old serrated bread knives from the kitchen
And sliced at my thigh.

God it felt good.
And the cut is about four inches long...
im a bit worried though
Because my mother speaks of going swimming
And Im not sure If the thigh cut would be hidden
However that is something that I will worry about another time

Right now im just going to talk
The cutting felt so good
So deep
and bloody

I made a page in my diary for my blood
I also made a cut on my arm
Just above where the first scars are
so thats nice

the page has the blood from every cut on the page
and a little message about how it felt
How I loved it
How terrible I felt after a while
when I realised what I had done

I think im going to redo the cut on my thigh though
Im not sure its deep enough to scar
I've always been obsessed with scars
When I was little I would pick my scabs deliberately so that I would get them
I really was a weird child.

Dorky to
Wearing velvet dresses to school in the winter
and everyone laughing at me

But thats not important now
Whats important is that now I have a knife,
and I dont want you to hang onto them
because now I love cutting
I do it almost every night

sure
They're not deep
sometimes I just run the edge of the knife up an down my leg
but the point is that I do cut every night.

Hmm...

I never though I would get so detachted from everything
Life
School
My parents
pain

But really...
Its not that bad is it?
Its my body to do with as I please
People who drink alcohol alot arent told that they're poisening their body with every sip they take
or that they'll become addicted if they have one night of heavy drinking
so why should it be any different with cutting?

Oh well
No one listens to me anyway
or even hears me

Except you

Your quite pretty
You know that?
I always wanted to look like you do
My hairs to fluffy
My mothers talking of buying me a straightener
But what good would that be at Hogwarts?

So I'll say goodbye to you
even though I still want to talk
its been so long
and theres so much more to tell

goodbye for now at least

ill miss you

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