Chapter 9 - Pity
A/N Hmm… kind of spoily for episode 4… but not too much still it's your choice to read it. Not really very spoily but the next ones definitely are going to be filled. Also I hate the fact (or this is my thought) that Adeline is a bit like Jane… even the hair which came in to my mind because I just got a new hairstyle…I (or the hair dresser?) mutilated my hair cutting it really short and now I feel sorry… but crap happens even without walkers to fuck everybody up :D I guess it's not right to compare a bad haircut with the apocalypse but I can't help it.)… it's going to be fun to make the girls communicate with one another… hmm. Anyhow thx for sticking with me and don't forget… SPOILER ALERT ahead for episode 4 which just got out today. YAY AND NO YAY BECAUSE I HATE TELLTALE! Because they fuck up with everybody's feelings and I don't want to spoil GO PLAY It! =))
Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears… but you can always stich yourself… you can always lick your wounds and make an OD on pain killers… but when you break there are no cures but your own will. For every wound, every infection the important part is to find it and as humans are the most prideful shits on the planet when we break down there are no signs so the wound just tears open more and more… there is nothing worst or better.
"Ok… so this is the plan? "
The others were already setting the details of their soon to come escape so Luke kind of got a bit panicked. He got up but soon his hand came to his side as he contorted his face in pain. "Dammit… can you move? We need… I need to talk to the others…"
"You don't need to babysit me, okay?"
"What?"
"I know that face, Luke." It's the same look Tom always had when he looked at her. Pity.
"Del… please."
"Please what?"
"Stop this… I ain't liking the look on your face right now either!"
"Luke…"
"Adeline… please."
"No… no 'please's! Luke… we really have to talk." She stopped and closed her eyes to take a few breaths in until she finally opened them back. "If you would had been smart enough you'd had listened to me… now that god damn… I don't even know what to call him won."
"He ain't won anything yet."
"Yes… he did… even if we are to escape… He had his ways… Alvin is surely dead… you are just too weak to do anything… I am not speaking about myself right now… just thinking of it makes me feel so damn dirty… Damn it!"
Looking back, it's easy to see when a mistake has been made. To regret a choice that seemed like a decent idea at the time. But if we used our best judgment and listen to our hearts, we're most likely to see that we chose wisely.
"Where do you want to get, Del?"
"I don't know, Luke." Her head was pounding hard as if a ball of needles has entered through her eyes to turn her brain in to mush and now as all of her senses started to come back she brought her knees to her chest. Everything hurt like hell!... she surely had a few broken ribs… her shoulder seemed a bit dislocated… her neck burned in some spots like an infection that men let in to her… and her legs were simply putting heavy… no mentioning about her private parts and the fact that she could feel the man still in her. "All seems like a bad dream." The man tried to put his hand on her shoulder, to comfort her but raising her palms she stopped him. "Luke."
"Just tell me what I could do. I'll help you with everything I can."
"Stop this… stop trying to help…stop being all protective…Stop feeling guilty… you have a part in all of this but you are not going to find retribution by babysitting me. Thank you for what you did until now… I was in a dark place and I don't know what I would have done without you but I also realized something…" She didn't know how to get the words flowing and Luke's tired, sad features weren't helping one bit. "I am alone in all of this… and anyone else including you is just a… just a way to get me killed, a liability."
"What?"
"I am sorry Luke… I can't keep on with this charade we're fucking up here… I… We… I was right from the start… I should have listened to my guts." The man tried to open his mouth but he soon closed it as he realized there was nothing to say. "I am sorry… I really had fun… and I really… care… for you." He shifted on the bed turning his back slightly to face her. "You must realize… that this wasn't really… as I thought at the start, a one night stand up with no 'string attached' but still… this fairy tale we've… we've been living this past few days…en-ends now… with no happily ever after and no love and kisses… it just… ends… it's not your fault… neither is mine here… it's just…"
"I get it… Stop looking for ways to justify all of this."
"I am not looking for ways to justify myself… I just don't want all of this to hurt you… as it hurts..."
"Well it does." If he'd had waited a little more… Luke would have realized just how hard this choice was for Adeline… but fate didn't want that to happen.
They stayed there in silence for a while… maybe Adeline expected him to say something and Luke for her to just change her mind but none of these happened.
The waiting can kill you more than the outcome. You make a decision and then the world has its turn. The consequences unfold out of your hands. There's only one thing that seems clear in those quiet moments while you wait. You chose wrong.
"I... I…"
"Ok... I get it… something bad happened to you and you were expecting me to come to the rescue… WELL I COULDN'T!"
"Fuck YOU… From what I remember I was there running to save your ass."
"I didn't ask for your help, you should had left… I told you if you weren't sure you wanted to stick around you could have left… not fuck up everything and then choose to back away!"
"I didn't back away I am still here and I didn't fuck up ANYTHING! If you want to know, your Bill offered me a place in his community, he said that he likes my guts that I am what he needs and you know what I did? I SPAT IN HIS FACE AND TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF AND STICK THAT OFFER WHERE THE SUN DOESN'T SHINE BECAUSE I AM A STUPID SHITHEAD LIKE THAT! If I wanted to leave you alone guys I would have… and I can't believe you'd think I am such a worthless bitch."
"Then what the fucks are you talking about… what's with all the better off alone and all that crap… I don't get it!"
"When shit happens like back there next time I won't run like a fucking nutcase after you and I will look out for my own ass."
"What the fuck? So this is it? Cause you believe this thing we have here is getting you killed you are just stopping it?"
"Kind of."
"Dammit Adeline!" He left angry at her, angry at Bill, angry at this whole situation and at life itself but there was no say for him in this… Luke already knew Adeline well enough to realize that she made up her mind.
"So what is the plan?" Taking a sit in the circle the group created, Luke was already introducing himself in to the discussion.
"The same that we spoke with Bonnie."
"What? No! We can't do that… not now." Holding tight to her bones Adeline slowly walked there as well. Nick was kind enough to offer his chair to her. He emanated the same energy as everyone else there pity… it made her sick.
"And why is that?" Rebecca was clearly on edge.
"Look, I know part of this is my fault… I – I know. I was hungry, I got reckless tryin' to steal some food and I got caught…"
"Mostly what you did wrong was not listening to me." And so Adeline earned once again one of Luke's 'the fuck?' glares… but she didn't care. Maybe this was some way of taking her mind off from everything… picking on Luke was harmless and fun most of the times. And in this moments in time the only thing that remained for her to do.
"Most of us are beat to shit, or pregnant, or… well" Now he looked pitifully at Adeline who for everyone seemed so small and frail. She hated the feeling… she is not so down… not so pitiable just yet"… You know… and besides that it's risky as hell."
"It is pretty damn risky, guys. " Nick finally spoke from behind her. She could feel the warmth of his body emanating, His hand on the edge of the chair.
"Risky? Did you see what that sonuvabitch just did? Look, the plan works. Nothing needs to change. It's all set up. The hard part is done. This guy is fucking crazy. Who knows what he'll do next."
"Yeah, but now we're dealing with a guy beat to shit, Sarita in no shape to do anything, and…"
"Don't you DARE look at me again, Luke. Or you'll get one fucking big slap over your fucking broken ribs… And the rest of you stop staring!" There was this awkward silence that Adeline's outburst created quite easily… still the pity that could be felt in there was tangible. Soon Luke managed to attract the attention.
"I am sorry… I guess… anyhow… both me and Adeline are just a goddamn mess. Look, we should rest up, okay? We should bide our time, and we should wait for an openin'!" God! his voice broke filled with so much exhaustion at the end that Adeline was actually feeling bad for just snapping at him but she is simply done with the pitying thing… she's been a bit rape and she might had cracked under the pressure but shit happens!
You can't prepare for a sudden impact. You can't brace yourself. It just hits you! Out of nowhere and suddenly with no warning!
"Hold on! She's the plan!"
So Clementine was the one to get them out of this situation… again. Adeline didn't move from her chair even though everyone left to see what Clementine was going to do. Luke observed that but he was still pissed so he didn't do anything but Nick wasn't going to let her alone, not now that she looked this fragile.
"Hey… are you ok?" He sat in one of the chairs next to her simply waiting for her answer.
"No… Of course I am not."
"Kind of dumb from my part to ask that question."
"Kind of." The girl's hands slipped through her hair to grab it in frustration. "I now understand you, Nick."
"Tsk-tsk… Now that I changed my mind?"
"You did?"
"Not much but… a little there." Her gaze left the ground to look at the man which took off his cap. "I hate that new haircut… here." After stuffing it painfully on to her head he looked proudly at what he got.
What are you doing Nick?" The thing was covering her eyes so she slowly raised it. Now she could see the man… his hair was a bit longer than Luke's and darker almost black and wavy… somehow it fitted him. He was a handsome man when he wanted to.
"What's ya looking at?"
"I never saw you without this thing… "
"So ya like it?"
"Yeah… as long as it hides my hideous hair. Thx Nick."
"No problem." His hand bumped the peak of her cap making her head ache even worst but she laughed followed soon by Nick's chuckling.
It's scary, simply putting, just how quickly you realize that this world is meant to fall apart, how quickly everything can fall to crap!
"You wanna run off with this dogshit group of crippled fucks, then fine! Be my guest! But I will put a bullet in you and that baby before I let you leave again with my child!"
Sometimes it seems like everything just won't come together, like the pieces of the puzzle aren't meant to unite… I don't know if I am the only one feeling that way in this world… but finally as my heart actually mended itself the world crashed to bits.
"KILL HIM!"
"Rebecca, Rebecca sweetie, my god! How did we get here, you and me?"
"SHOOT HIM! Just shoot him!"
Luke was staring at Adeline begging her with his gaze for an answer but the only thing she could offer was even more uncertainty. There was rage in her eyes but it seems as if she doesn't want bloodshed… she doesn't want this man to die. In his madness he had an idea and he thought he was doing something right… He didn't deserve to survive… but he didn't deserve to die such a meaningless death. She shook her head for him to stop. Adeline didn't found up if he has listened to her as Kenny shot both of Carver's legs.
I thought I changed… I thought I was stronger than before, that I can manage this fucked up life that I am living but now having once again a shoulder to cry on and someone to depend on it seems as if all of my weakness resurfaces… that is what I fear the most… I feel once again as if I am a nuisance… everything just happens so fast around me that I feel like I'll be left behind.
"That girl's already seen more than you can imagine."
"SHUT YOUR MOUTH BILL!" So Luke was still a bit pissed at the man. "You're all just gonna let him do this?"
"Luke." Deep inside Adeline still wanted the man dead so she made a quick attempt at shutting Luke up. He simply turned around angry, even outraged at the fact. "There ain't one part of that son of bitch I don't hate, but that does not make this right!"
"Nothing is right anymore Luke…" Her voice was lost but it was only meant for the man anyway. Finally he gave in.
"I don't want nothin' to do with this!" He made a few steps to get out but Carver won't leave silent.
"Look at you… you fucking ingrates. You don't even know how good you got it. "One by one the others left… Adeline pulling Luke by his arm. "That's all right. You'll learn! Lambs to the slaughter… no shepherd to guide you! Clementine knows exactly what I'm talking about." That is when Adeline's as everyone's heart sunk in. Luke turned around begging Clem not to listen to the guy.
"Come on."
"Fuckin' big man now, huh?"
"I'm staying." The girl said her voice silencing everything around her for a few seconds.
"Atta girl… she ain't afraid to look it in the eye. You go with that feelin' ya got right now, Clementine. It's what makes you stronger than the rest of them. Oh… and good job Luke… you finally found a whore worthy of you! "Luke stopped in his tracks to shake off Adeline's hand. She released him quickly remembering her talk with him… now she felt guilty but she knows it's best for the future.
An hour… that is all it took to change everything. A fucking hour! Sixty minutes, thirty six hundred seconds… That's it! but what should I had expected anyway? How do you beat the odds when it's one against a billion? I tried to keep on pushing but I quickly got lost. They all screamed, they all moaned and growled nothing for me to just pint point… to just hold on to it and keep on moving until I heard Nick screaming.
„I am going after Sarah!" The two were running like hell. In his tracks Nick grabbed Adeline's hand.
"You don't know how worried you got us!"
"Sorry…"
When I was little I used to play around with these two boys. They were older than me… and playing boy's games but I didn't care... So we used to have a lot of fun. That is what I had in mind at that whole fucking picture… that chaos was really close to a child's game… or how their imagination used to make it. When I knew I was close to losing I used to call out 'Uncle 'and the boys would stop. Too bad that can't happen here… best case scenario you just get eaten by one of the lurkers… ops… I should have said worst case shouldn't you? No… I was right... I said it right…
