Chapter 9 – i'll help you carry on

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
Bill Withers - Lean On Me

Dr. Kishimoto stares at him.

Katsuki stares back, arms crossed, unwilling to do much else. He doesn't want to be here, keeps his mouth firmly shut as if that will make the reality of his presence on this couch less real. He's also feeling particularly stubborn today and wants to see how Dr. Kishimoto will react.

Dr. Kishimoto is a professional, however, and so she simply smiles at him. "I heard you had an argument with Izuku," she says conversationally.

Katsuki grits his teeth, glares at her before he directs the heat of his stare at the wall instead. "I don't want to talk about it," he nearly hisses.

"…okay," she agrees with a smile.

Katsuki's jaw drops. That's…that's it? She's not going to make him? Not going to keep asking questions, or pressing for answers? "Huh?" he says, terribly confused.

Dr. Kishimoto shrugs. "I can't make you talk about something you don't want to," she says. "We can find other, more important things to do with our time in today's session."

Katsuki bristles like an angry cat. He narrows his eyes at her, then shrugs violently. "I didn't mean to hurt him," he grits out. His eyes water a little, and he angrily brushes them away. "I just wanted to make sure he was okay, and he started yelling at me."

"And how did you hurt Izuku?"

"It wasn't my fault!" Katsuki immediately defends. "I just…my dad does it all the time, and I thought it might help him feel better! But when I touched his hair, some of it came out! But it's not like I pulled it out, so I don't know why he's so angry with me. I did nothing wrong!"

There's a moment of silence.

Dr. Kishimoto's face doesn't change, remains calm and collected. "Sometimes the medication that cancer patients take, called chemotherapy, can cause symptoms, or make the patient's body react in certain ways. Have you seen Izuku's medicine make his body react in a particular way?"

Katsuki's eyebrows furrow in surprise and confusion. "You mean…like when the medicine makes his belly hurt?"

Dr. Kishimoto nods. "Yes, I mean exactly like that," she says. "Sometimes, the medicine can even cause cancer patients to lose all of their hair."

"So…so his hair fell out because of his medicine?" Katsuki feels oddly relieved at hearing that. He knew Deku's hair falling out wasn't his fault, but a part of him worried that he had somehow been the cause of it, and that's resulted in quite a few restless nights.

"It did," Dr. Kishimoto says softly. "And I know it might seem silly, but sometimes losing hair can make cancer patients feel anxious, sad, scared, and even angry."

Katsuki thinks back to Deku screaming at him, frowns. "But I didn't do anything," he says again, feels his own frustration and anger rising. "He didn't have to yell at me!"

"No, he shouldn't have," she agrees. "But sometimes, when our emotions overwhelm us, we don't always handle them very well, and sometimes we can even be mean to the people that are closest to us."

Katsuki angrily scrubs at his leaking eyes. "That doesn't make it right," he says bitterly.

"No, it doesn't. And I'm sure when he's had a chance to calm down, he will feel sorry for yelling at you. Just like I'm sure there have been times when you have been sorry for saying something you probably shouldn't have."

Katsuki wants to deny it, but he can't. "I was just trying to help…" he complains, his lower lip wobbling. "It's not fair."

Dr. Kishimoto offers him a small, sympathetic smile. "It's not fair, and you should tell him that."

Katsuki sniffles. "I should tell him what?"

"Tell him how you feel," she says. "Be honest."

"I…we haven't talked in forever," Katsuki admits. "And I…should I do that?"

"Why shouldn't you?" Dr. Kishimoto counters.

Katsuki shrugs his shoulders awkwardly. "Because I used to be mean to him," he admits quietly. "And because he's sick? Does it…he's…" He cuts himself off, frustrated.

"Yes?"

"Does it even matter?" Katsuki asks.

Dr. Kishimoto leans back against the couch. "Your feelings are valid," she says softly, "so, yes, it matters. And I understand that with Izuku being sick, you might feel like your concerns and worries are not as serious as his. But, Katsuki, that doesn't mean you should let him be mean to you any more than you being mean to him."

Katsuki flushes angrily. He doesn't know what to do. "Okay," he says because he doesn't know what else there is to say.

Dr. Kishimoto eyes him. "Sometimes we have to decide whether it's more important to be right, or to be sorry," she says. "I don't mean that you should apologize, but maybe you should think about your friendship with Izuku is important, and if, maybe, this is something that you can forgive him for."

The rest of the session is spent in near silence, with Katsuki contemplating her words but not speaking up again. He…he didn't like Deku yelling at him, still thinks of it with a pang in his chest. It hurt, a lot more than he thought it ever would. But does he think it hurts enough to stop him from being friends with Deku?

"…staying friends with Izuku while he goes through this could hurt you in ways that I can't protect you from."

That's what his mother had said, months ago. Katsuki hadn't understood her then.

He wishes he still didn't understand her.

He's quiet on the car ride home, stares out the window despondently. He knows his parents are worried about him, but he can't help feeling listless. His birthday is in two weeks, and it might be the first where him and Deku aren't on speaking terms.

Were his hurt feelings enough to stop him and Deku from being friends?

No.

No, they weren't. Not a chance in hell.

Katsuki can't imagine life without Deku, doesn't want to start now.

"Hag," he says quietly, "can you help me with something?"


Katsuki is in his room, laying on his bed and reading a comic book when Deku walks in.

He's so surprised that for a few moments, he just stares. But when the surprise leaves him, Katsuki continues to stare impassively at the other boy. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings, about the entire argument. It's bad enough that his parents made him talk with Dr. Kishimoto. Katsuki isn't even entirely sure what he wants, to be honest.

He wants to make up with Deku, to apologize. (But he didn't even start the fight, why should he be the one to apologize?)

He wants to stay mad at Deku for yelling at him. (But he keeps thinking about the pain, the anguish on the green-haired boy's face.)

He wants to ignore Dr. Kishimoto's words. (But she has a point, and Katsuki hates the truth when it's something he doesn't want to hear.)

He wants to take Dr. Kishimoto's advice. (But he doesn't know how, feels lost and so alone.)

Katsuki is a jumbled mix of emotions, and it feels like he's being pulled in a million different directions. He reads his comic books to take his mind off things (doesn't draw, hasn't picked up a pen since he threw his sketchbook at Deku's feet) and for the most part it helps. Kind of.

Not really.

But Deku looks like he hasn't taken the separation any better. He looks like he hasn't slept in a while; there are bags under his swollen, puffy eyes. He looks like he's curling a little in on himself, like he used to whenever he thought Katsuki would make little explosions in his face. Deku is wearing a soft looking cap, not a strand of green hair in sight. Katsuki doesn't know if the rest of it fell out, can't really tell.

He hates the awkward silence that descends upon them.

It doesn't last long. Deku speaks up, warbles out, "Kacchan, I'm sorry." He's already crying, sniffling as the tears drip down his face. "I d-didn't mean to y-yell at you. That was r-really m-m-mean of me, and I'm sorry!"

Deku starts crying in earnest, and Katsuki finds that he can't keep his cool façade. He sighs softly, stands up and envelopes the other boy in a hug. Deku's breath hitches, and then he's squeezing Katsuki tightly, wetting the fabric of Katsuki's shirt. Katsuki feels his throat tightening, his own eyes becoming glossy, and he clears his throat a little.

Be honest with him, Dr. Kishimoto had said.

"You…really hurt my feelings," Katsuki admits softly. "I didn't mean to make you sad, or angry."

Deku cries harder, shakes his head. "It's my fault," he says miserably. He pulls away a little, paws at the swollen, reddened flesh of his eyes. "Mama said…she said I might l-lose my hair, and I th-th-thought it would be fine. Because it's just hair. But then…then it s-started falling out, and now it's…it's real. I'm really sick, Kacchan…I'm really, really sick…"

Katsuki says nothing as Deku hugs him again, feels the shorter boy's nails dig into his sides a little. He closes his eyes and viciously bites his lip to stop his own tears from falling.

When they pull away, Deku's face is a swollen mess. Katsuki is sure that he's not much better.

"Let me see," he says quietly.

Deku stiffens, shakes his head vigorously. "I don't…I don't want anyone to see," he says, panicked.

"I'm not anyone, Deku," Katsuki replies. He uses his sleeve to blot some of Deku's tears dry. "I'm Kacchan," he says, "and we made a promise, remember? Together, no matter how hard it gets."

Deku's lower lip trembles, and he looks torn in his indecision. He reaches up with trembling fingers, touches the brim of his cap and then sort of freezes. Katsuki reaches up, slowly so Deku can push him away if he needs to. When his hand is hovering just over Deku's, he hooks their pinkies together. He leans forward until their foreheads touch, maintaining eye contact, and he brushes his nose with Deku's.

Deku's entire body seems to tremble, but then his little shoulders square up. Katsuki offers him a small smile, holds his hand, and together they push back the soft black cap.

There are patches of his curly green hair missing, allowing bits of his bald head to peak through. He doesn't look bad necessarily, just different. Deku averts his gaze, wilts a little under Katsuki's scrutiny as if Katsuki is disgusted with Deku's new appearance. But Katsuki hasn't ever been nor will ever be disgusted with Deku. He brushes their noses again.

"You still look like Deku," he whispers in the dead silence of his room.

Deku flinches a little, reaches up to touch a bald spot. "I don't feel like Deku," he admits quietly. He looks at Katsuki's face, at Katsuki's spiky blond locks, and his shoulders slump, defeated.

Katsuki frowns a little, but then he nods his head. "I don't understand what that feels like," he confesses. They're quiet for a few moments, and then his scarlet eyes catch their reflections in the mirror on the back of his bedroom door. And then an idea pops into his head, and he knows what he needs to do. "Do you trust me?"

Deku blinks at him, confused. "Huh? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Do you trust me, Deku? Yes or no?" Katsuki insists.

"Of course I do," Deku says. He sounds almost a little exasperated, and that makes Katsuki smile because anything is better than the sad, depressed tone he's has.

"I have an idea," Katsuki says. "And I'm not going to tell you what it is."

Deku frowns. "But why—"

"Nope!" Katsuki covers Deku's mouth, almost laughs when the other boy pouts, puffs his cheeks angrily like a gerbil. "You said you trusted me, so you'll have to wait and see. Okay?"

Deku looks at him, stares at him for almost an uncomfortably long amount of time, but then he's nodding his head. Katsuki smiles widely, grabs his hand and leads him downstairs where he whispers his plan in his father's ear.


Deku hesitates when they get to the barber shop, but that's okay. Katsuki holds his hand, waits patiently for Deku to stop his anxious mumbling.

"Trust me," he says, and Deku stares at him with wide, scared eyes. Katsuki smiles reassuringly. "Have I ever tricked you?"

"Yes," Deku retorts. "There was that time in class when you said the glue was blue because it tasted like blueberries which it did not, and there was that time when you said a tree was going to grow in my belly because I swallowed that apple seed, and there was—"

Katsuki covers Deku's mouth, scowls at his father's quiet laughter beside them. "Well, I wouldn't trick you about this," he says with a pout. "I wouldn't trick you about something serious." He crosses his arms over his chest.

"I know," Deku admits. He still looks nervous, still eyes the barber shop like it's going to jump out at him. "I just…"

Katsuki's face softens, and he grabs Deku's hand again. "Come on," he says gently, and when he takes a step forward, Deku follows.

The barber shop isn't particularly full. His father must have called ahead of time because there are two chairs pressed together. Katsuki unzips his sweater, hands it to his father, and hops into a chair. He pats the one next to him, waits for Deku to join him.

A barber puts a gown over each of them, smiles at them with that sad/pity look that Katsuki is beginning to instantly recognize and hate. "Who first?" the barber asks, shaking the clippers at them.

Deku shrinks in his chair even further.

Katsuki sits up straighter, makes eye contact with the barber. "Me," he says firmly, keeps a tight hold on Deku's hand. "I want it all gone."

"Kacchan, what…?" Deku gasps, looking at him with wide, shocked eyes.

Katsuki shrugs his shoulders, tries to look unconcerned. "If you lose your hair, I lose my hair," he says confidently, and he means it. It's just hair; it'll grow back, and there will be nothing to worry about. And if Deku is too scared to get it done on his own, then it is no hardship for Katsuki to get it done with him.

It still doesn't stop his belly from churning nervously, fluttering wildly when the clippers turn on. Deku squeezes his hand tightly, and it's almost enough to hurt, but Katsuki doesn't let anything show.

The first lock of hair that gets cut off falls with anticlimactic silence. It just sort of drifts, slowly, all the way down to the floor, and then more are joining it. Little by little, all of Katsuki's hair is sheared off. It makes his head feel lighter, which is funny to him because it's not like he had much hair to begin with. It also makes his head feel a little cold, which he knows will take some time to get used to.

Soon enough, he's as bald as the day he was born, and he surveys it with a critical eye.

It's just hair. It'll grow back.

He looks at Deku, who of course is blubbering in the seat next to him, and he smiles assuredly. "It doesn't hurt," he says softly.

Deku sniffles, looks at Katsuki's bald head, looks in the mirror at his own hair, and with a shuddering breath, he nods.

He cries, silently, the entire time, watches as his fluffy mess of green curls gets cut off little by little. Katsuki keeps a tight enough hold on his hand, absentmindedly starts talking quietly about all the bald heroes he knows.

When it's all over, when the last strand of hair makes it descent to the floor, Deku gives a shuddering, breathy whimper.

It's all gone.

Deku's hand shakily reaches up, touches his scalp with trembling fingers. "I d-did it," he whispers, his voice hitching and cracking. He bites his lower lip. "I did it, Kacchan."

"You did," Katsuki says. He looks at their reflections in the mirror, and he grins. "We look great! Who needs hair, anyway?"

Deku smiles weakly at him. "Y-Yeah."

His enthusiasm is lacking, but that's okay. Katsuki can work with that. He turns to his father, who is standing off to the side watching them intently. His father smiles softly at his new haircut, his eyes slightly glassy, and he hands Katsuki a plastic bag.

Katsuki grabs it greedily, peeks inside with a smile. He clears his throat, turns to Deku. "We made these," he says, pulls out the colorful squares of cloth. He hands them both to Deku. "Pick the one you like the most."

Deku stares at the cloth curiously, unfolds them. The first bandanna is jet black with a big red 'x' on it. "Is this…?"

Katsuki nods. "It's what I want for my hero costume," he mumbles, suddenly abashed by his idea. "We also made one like All Might's costume, Endeavor's flames, and this one," he grabs the last bandanna, "is my favorite."

It's green, similar to the color of Deku's eyes, and it has swirls of a brighter, more electric green all over it. "It looks amazing," Deku whispers.

Katsuki blushes; that was the one he specifically designed. "Until our hair grows back, we can wear these," he says, folds it corner to corner so that it looks like a triangle.

Deku rubs his eyes gently; they're puffier and even more swollen, but Deku is smiling a little. "You're the best," he says quietly. "I don't know what I would do without you, Kacchan."

"Your life would suck," Katsuki agrees. But he's blushing a little, and he feels inexplicably warm at Deku's words.

Deku snorts, then bursts into a fit of watery giggles. It takes him a few minutes to calm down, but when he does, he grabs the black bandanna. "I'll wear this one," he says with a nod, "because you're my hero, Kacchan. And I want the whole world to know it!"

Katsuki blushes even harder, and he grumbles under his breath because he doesn't really know what else to say.

His father helps them put the bandannas on, and Katsuki decides that he really likes Deku wearing the 'x' that will one day be a part of his costume.

Auntie Inko cries when she sees them, because of course she does, and Katsuki endures her long hug and kiss on the cheek with the grace of a King. When it's time for Deku to leave, he hugs Katsuki extra long and extra hard, and Katsuki doesn't mind it one bit.