Chapter 9

Congress Against the Smashers

The day had come. It was time to see the US Congress and see what the subpoena was truly about. With the top eight acting mostly normal in the morning—minus Pikachu, Kirby, and Pit—they with the help of Mark and Red led the Smashers to the Capitol Building. For some reason, the sight of it sent Falcon into greater tears.

An attendant was waiting on the steps to bring them inside; there was also a horde of reporters. The Smashers squeezed closer together as the reporters swarmed them, praying to various deities that they wouldn't lose their souls. "What do we do?" Link asked, hiding behind Samus. "I can't even see that attendant anymore!"

Then the relentless questions stopped as Altair suspected a reporter of harassing Kirby. He leapt into the air and stabbed his hidden blade into the reporter. The reporters were silent, and then they ran for their lives as the other assassins went after them. Kirby waved at them. Did they taste good?

"Well, that's-a one way of-a doing it," Mario offered to the Smashers. "Mark, where is the attendant-a?"

Mark said nothing but gestured in front of them; the attendant had been trampled to death by the reporters. Ganondorf grumbled. "Great; we don't even know why we're here and we already have a body count of one attendant and three reporters. Four. Five. Seven. Whoa; that was cool: eight. Ni—"

Zelda banged Ganondorf's into the pavement. "Stop counting!" she wailed. She choked Isaac in a death hug. Toon Link wondered why all the adults were crazy.

Another attendant came out warily and led the Smashers inside before the reporters or assassins could return. There was trouble with Bowser getting through the doors as well as Falcon straying, but they eventually managed to reach the hearing chambers.

The Senate was sitting down as they arrived, and Link didn't need to weigh the number of good looks they got versus bad looks. They all were bad looks. DK restrained Pit from demanding their allegiance to Palutena. Pikachu hopped onto Samus's shoulders and she noticed Pikachu was unusually calm. I hope he isn't just biding time until Mark sends some attack team after conference or something.

Speaking of Mark, he and Red had opted to help present whatever was needed as much as possible. The top eight were good, but they were also slightly nuts. Red was sane, and Mark was a creepy genius; they would help add to their case, whatever it was. And they were representing all of Nintendo after all. There was no telling who the Senate would want to speak.

A pair of guards sat by the main microphone, which was being occupied by a Senator. He gestured, and more guards closed the doors behind the Smashers to keep the reporters out. Instead they all filled in the upper balconies to watch. The head Senator picked up a gabble and banged it lightly.

"This hearing is now in session," he declared. "We are here to discuss the validity of Nintendo characters being allowed to survive and spread their influence throughout the world and so on and so on—"

"Hey hold on! What's this about allowing us to survive?" Ness shouted, jumping onto DK to get a better view. There were several murmurs through the Smashers and reporters, both shocked by the casually slipped in statement.

"Nintendo has been accused lately of corrupting generations of all ages and lowering values in the country," the Senator said. "We told you that in the letter."

"That wasn't in the letter!" Samus answered back.

"Really? Huh. Either way, the hearing is in session for that purpose."

"Come on; we're the friendliest console system out there," Red offered. "What could be accusing us?"

The guards at the doors were knocked unconscious as the assassins burst into the room. "We have killed the assassins for Lord Kirby!" Altair declared.

"Venusaur poop."

The Senator cleared his voice. "Now then. Before we continue, there is a matter of business to address. Mark must be arrested and placed on separate trial for his crimes," he announced, banging his hammer. The rest of the Senate nodded their agreement.

"WHAT?" the Smashers shouted. "What for?"

Lightning and Lyn gave Mark withering looks as the Senator's face turned cross; they had a bad feeling they knew. Suddenly Link realized why Mewtwo, Roy, and Crazy Hand were terrified of him. "He butchered all of Wonderland! Why else would we be calling him a serial killer!" the Senator spat.

The Smashers all turned to stare at Mark in wild confusion. "Mark is that true?" Lightning demanded.

"I lost my temper," he admitted. Lightning and Lyn groaned, and the Smashers edged away from Mark.

"Wait-a; I thought Mark couldn't-a fight," Mario frowned.

"He can't," Lyn agreed. "When Mark loses his temper he picks up any nearby sharp object and proceeds to stalk and kill every annoyance by hacking them into tiny volume equal pieces."

The Smashers stepped farther away from Mark.

"Arrest him!" the Senator declared. The guards ran at Mark, who knew he had no chance of fighting them off. However, Lightning did. She jumped and kicked one in the face before punching another in the groin. Then she grabbed Mark by the hand and ran.

They made it outside where Lightning punched another guard out before continuing. She gave Mark a glare. "You're still in trouble, just so you know," she warned. They jumped into a car and drove off.

"I predicted as much," Mark said.

(**)

Mario sighed as the guards were replaced the doors shut again. "Great; we've lost the-a man we meant to have do the talking-a," he mumbled.

Marth raised his hand, and everyone stared. "What? Snap, just because I'm Sith don't mean I'm not royalty. I know my words," he assured.

"You're also a prissy gangster frat punk rocker," Nana pointed out. "And you corrupted my brother."

"Details, girl," Marth assured. He stepped forward, cleared his voice, and spoke. "On behalf of the residents of the Smash Bros Tournaments and the greater lands of Nintendo, we are ready to begin the hearing."

The senator frowned at Marth. "What is your name, Miss?" he asked.

Marth's face turned dark. "B%^$! You paintin the floors with blood!" he howled. It took Ike and Link to hold him back; DK had to hold back Popo. "You bald crusty old fool!" The Senator banged his hammer angrily to instill order while the Smashers held Marth and Popo back. Kirby stared, attracted by the noise. Hmm. He is bald. His head is lumpy, too, like a... rock. Kirby's eyes began to change.

A howl split the noise and everyone watched as Kirby leapt from where he'd been standing towards the Senator. He shoved the Senator's face down, and Samus got a good look at Kirby's eyes; they were wild, like whenever he'd been in a flashback during their last adventure...

"Someone stop Kirby!" Samus shouted, but it was too late.

Splitting eardrums, Kirby began taking advantage of the back of the Senator's head.

There was a moment of silence, and then everything burst into uproar. The Senator began screaming and flailing madly as he tried to get the howling Kirby off. The Smashers stumbled over running to get Kirby while fighting the assassins, who were 'protecting' Kirby's so called enlightened state. The Senate was screaming horror at Kirby's actions while the reporters were dead silent, filming every second of it they could.

(**)

Fifteen minutes later Kirby had been forcefully removed from the Senator's head and his flashback had ended. The Senator who had suffered from the nightmarish activity was laying on the floor bleeding out, the back of his head bashed in from Kirby's enthusiasm. Mewtwo was using his psychic to keep the assassins from trying to return Kirby to his enlightened state.

As a new senator took the main microphone—it was a woman this time—the top eight exchanged glances. "Well, that's one more point against us," Fox muttered. "And chances are the rest of us are going to follow soon. It's just how our luck is lately."

"At least they don't know about what happened to us in Barbie world," Samus whispered, shaken suddenly.

Link paled; Samus's bus went to Barbie world? No wonder she didn't want to talk about it. "What happened, exactly?" he asked slowly.

"Pretty much what happened to Wonderland, except out of fear than anger," Samus answered.

"Pika!" Pikachu agreed. We have begun our conquest starting with that place! My rule shall be absolute!

"Shut it, Pikachu," Pit said. "We don't need the Senate picking up on what you say. Not to mention Palutena already rules all."

"Pi pi pi chu!" Then Palutena will fall and be cast down like all my enemies!

There was a short silence and then Pit drew his blades. "No one threatens Palutena! The fight is on!" Pit shouted, and then he attacked Pikachu, only to be stopped by the defenses of the Black Knight, Gardevoir, and Zero. Ike threw himself into the battle at the Black Knight, true fury in his expressions. Link tried to break it up and got hit by a stray shot, causing him to bleed. He was immediately set upon by Samus. Meanwhile his blood stained the ground; Fox began yelling mine while peeing on the ground. DK saw a flash of yellow and thought it was a banana. He began attacking everyone while Mario's timer went off.

Toon Link watched in wonder. What's wrong with the adults?

(**)

After they had settled again—the reporters were having a field day and the Senate just kept tallying up everything against them—Zelda was called by the Senate. She stood up, a sour look in her expression. Senator 2 gave her a wary look. "Are you pregnant?" she asked.

"What does it look like?" Zelda spat. "Isaac, I want ice cream."

Isaac had predicted something like this would happen and held up a tub of Zelda's favorite ice cream. He was really dedicated to the continuing of his life.

But instead of accepting the ice cream, Zelda used magic to blast him into the wall, hysterical. "No I said I wanted pickles! You never understand me!" she wailed.

Isaac panicked; he hadn't brought pickles. And now his girlfriend was going to murder him. Link had no clue what to do, either. He had a responsibility to protect Isaac as the heir's father, but he really couldn't do anything to Zelda either.

Ganondorf sighed and stepped forward. Before Zelda could say anything to him, he smacked the back of her neck. Zelda's eyes rolled into the back of head and she passed out, falling into waiting arms. Link gave him a dirty look but Ganondorf didn't back down. "What? Someone had to do it. And you couldn't," Ganondorf grumbled.

A hammer banging caught their attention again. "If I may," Senator 2 declared crossly. The Smashers glared at her; they were disliking this hearing less and less. Granted, most of the damage had been done by them, but they had a reputation for disliking anyone who was at odds with them. "We wish to get to the actual hearing. We left off at your opening statement."

Link gave Senator 2 a look and grabbed their microphone. "You know who I am. I'm Link, and I've done more things to stop that guy with the haircurlers there in order to protect my home. You called us here because you think we're unfitting as role models. Then let me say this: what of it? Who chose to make obscure figures who tend to their own lives high profile people? You all did. And you let it happen. We only went about our lives. In fact, it's since the Smash Brothers tournament began to appease your people that our issues and adventures you're referring to began. We've had to fight for our very existence just to have the right to fight for your viewing pleasures. I can really only say a few good things about this tournament. The first is that I have met these people, many of whom have become close friends; especially dear to me is Samus Aran. Second is that I have had the grand ability to stand against the various threats together with my friends and comrades. But as for the issues you declare we must be executed for, that is no way for you to treat your own folly and poor desires," Link spoke.

The Smashers looked at Link with an expression of awe; they had never heard Link say so much before in his life, let alone anything so grand. Samus had her helmet on and wouldn't admit, but when Link turned and gave her a friendly smile, she wept quietly. Then a sound broke their concentration.

Across the room, the Senate had fallen asleep for the duration of Link's speech, rendering it moot. The Hero of Everything glared and folded his arms. "You're-a kidding me," Mario added darkly. Link turned to step away from the microphone, only to have someone tap Link on the shoulder. He whipped around.

Adam Malkovich was standing there with an iron pipe and a none too happy expression. Link swallowed nervously; Adam hooked a thumb at Samus. "You made her cry and brought her to a hearing where her life is threatened?" he accused. "You're dead."

The Senate awoke to see Link running for his life from Adam, with Samus running after them trying to calm Adam down. "That's your speech? Very well, Link of Hyrule," Senator 2 stated haughtily. "Some speech. Onto the hearing then. Our first questions involve the man known as Captain Falcon. We would like to hear his sentiments on the activities at your tournament."

Mario took the microphone. "He's uh, incapable-a of answering," he explained.

"Oh not for long. We had a doctor reapply his manhood after your brutal and medieval punishment."

The Smashers immediately protected Zelda and Lyn. Fox frowned. Where is Falcon if he's had his manhood restored? Usually he would have responded by now.

Fox got his answer as Falcon used Up+B on Senator 2. She was so shocked he did two more times. Then she dropped to the ground screaming as Falcon posed to the guards coming at him. "FALCON BACK, FALCON BLACK!" Captain Falcon announced to much groaning. He had been biding his time to secure his women, and of course had chosen the hearing to play his hand.

Falcon killed the guards with phoenix fire and looked down for Senator 2. He had to take her away before someone brainwashed her after all. However, she was busy. Fox was peeing on her, snarling at Falcon. "My Senator my Senator my Senator my Senator..."

"Falcon Fifth Truth Power!" Falcon announced. For those of you just joining us, the Fifth Truth declared that Falcon would kill anyone who 'stole' his women from him. And with that Fox and Falcon began to fight among the Senators.

"We are so boned," Red complained.