I can't believe I'm on chapter nine already, but here it is! I would have had this chapter up a couple of days ago but I've been distracted with the return of Doctor Who (I don't know if anyone watches but omg Capaldi is BRILLIANT) and the last ever episode of True Blood (I still feel like someone died. It's been a huge part of my life for years and...It's over. I feel horrible.)
But anyway, this chapter kinda did it's own thing. I planned it one way and then before I knew it, something completely different had appeared on screen so I just kinda went with it. If anything's unclear just ask, I know I have a tendency to explain things in too much detail. Anyway, I hope you all like it, and please let me know what you think!
Sometimes you think things just can't get better no matter how hard you try. You search high and low for answers, for ways to fix everything, you run endlessly after the light at the end of the tunnel but you trip and stumble so often that you just stop running, sit on the ground and curl up. Sometimes you just feel yourself give up, because you spend years looking for answers and then when you do find them, they are your worst nightmare. Sometimes everything about you is a lie, sometimes you are left alone to bear the ugly truth and hold the weight of what seems like the entire universe on your shoulders. No one seems to understand what you are going through, even though they say they do. Sometimes looking in the mirror hurts more than anything in the world. No matter where you look or what you do, the weight of the pain crushes you to a point where you feel you cannot breathe. The tears came and came again until there were no more tears to cry. The nightmares never cease, and you walk the corridors at night to evade sleep only to wonder if you are awake or dreaming. You eat but cannot taste, and people talk to you but you cannot hear them. It feels like there is nothing else in the world but you and the pain, the endless, excruciating, unforgiving pain that knows no boundaries to what it can destroy.
Bucky's hands trembled as he closed the notebook Liz wrote in and put it back on the dressing table in his room, taking a deep breath as he processed what he had just read. He turned his head and looked out the window, watching her as she sat on the grass by herself, her head hung low and her blonde hair flying in the wind as she stared into space.
He sighed and made his way into the kitchen where Steve and Sam were playing chess, dragging a chair away from the table and letting himself collapse into the chair, resting his head on his metal arm with a large sigh. "We have to do something about Liz... About Lovisa." He swallowed, using her real name that he had still not adjusted to.
It turned out that the information Nat and Clint had extracted from the Hydra database had everything about her on there. After escaping the base and finding a hotel they could crash in, Natasha had offered to let Liz read the file in private, but she couldn't bear to do it. Sam sat on the armchair, his chest cleaned and bandaged, Clint stood in the doorway, and Liz sat on the sofa between Steve and Bucky, both of them worn out and bruised.
Bucky remembered how hard she had squeezed his hands as Natasha started reading the information, about how a committee of Hydra scientists had been brought together in order to conceive the idea of the perfect Hydra agent - one that was indoctrinated with their ideals, who could fight as well as the Winter Soldier, who could infiltrate anywhere and convert others to their cause and, most importantly, do it all willingly. They had decided that the best way to achieve such perfection was to indoctrinate from birth, to create the perfect Hydra baby. After months of research and testing to find the parents to bear such a child, the parents were finally chosen.
Her mother was a S.H.I.E.L.D field agent, with high level infiltration and combat skills, an I.Q of 121, spoke twelve languages and was a very well-liked, professional woman who had joined S.H.I.E.L.D after leaving university in Oslo, where she was born on June 12th, 1952. Her name was Felicia Björnsson. Natasha clicked to bring up the attached picture of her, and Liz felt a her heart skip a beat as she looked at the young blonde, blue eyed woman smiling at her. Everyone in the room agreed that Liz looked a lot like her, except for her eyes. Felicia had almond shaped blue eyes, yet Liz had round green eyes, presumably like her father.
Next came the file about Liz herself, or rather Lovisa Torunn Björnsson. Apparently her mother had been unmarried when Lovisa was born, and so inherited her mother's surname. Steve had found it odd that she had chosen the name Liz when it was so similar to Lovisa, and she said she just felt close to the letter L, and her hunch had been right. She was born on May 5th, 1985, so by calculation she was currently 29 years old. There was not much more information about her there other than a whole diary of what happened to her at Hydra, which Lovisa - Liz - didn't want to read. She remembered most of it, and what she had forgotten was either because she was too young to remember or simply because it was too traumatizing.
The file to her father was encrypted and took Natasha a minute to unlock, but when she did, a heavy, uncomfortable silence fell on them as they looked at the picture of Lovisa's father. Staring at them was a younger, more handsome picture of Hirsch. Lars Hirsch, one of Hydra's most important young scientists.
Bucky remembered how Liz had frozen, staring up in horror at the screen to where Hirsch's green eyes - the eyes he had passed onto her - stared down at her. He had been about to say something when she had jumped up off the couch and ran to the bathroom where she had vomited up the entire contents of her stomach.
Over a week had passed since then and she had made no progress. Liz - or Lovisa as they should now be calling her - had all but excluded herself from the others. She had made no attempt to find out what Hydra had done to Bucky, no attempt to help Sam recover from his injuries, no attempt to even talk to any of them. They had flown back to the states and gone back to the house they had restored. Clint and Natasha were staying with them temporarily until they were feeling better, as Sam was still injured and needed a lot of help - particularly with washing and changing clothes and moving and... Well, doing anything really. Bucky had everyone worried, and no matter how much he assured them that he was fine, they could see the glassiness of his eyes whenever he drifted off into his own thoughts.
In truth Hydra hadn't actually managed to do anything to him, as he had put up too much of a fight for them. They had sedated him and put him back into cryo while they waited the delivery of the chair so they could wipe him so, other than some ugly flashbacks and panic attacks, Bucky shrugged the whole thing off as if it were nothing. The truth was not so simple though, as everyone could see the change in him - his nightmares came back in full force, and his paranoia had returned to some extent - but the most radical change was his shift in character. Before their trip he had been calm and relaxed, you could even say he was laid back and maybe even a little lazy. But now? Now he was strict and calculated, every one of his decisions was thought through and precise, like a soldier.
He spent a lot of his time talking with Steve and, surprisingly, with Natasha. The whole ordeal had unlocked a great deal of memories for Bucky, and he found himself reminiscing a lot with Steve about the Howling Commandos, a period of his life which he had previously remembered nothing about. He also found in Natasha someone who understood him and was a lot like him in many ways. Just when he thought she was angry, the corner of her lips would turn up and he'd understand that she was joking, and he realized the tone of her voice was slightly different when she was being affectionate - even though being affectionate for her was insulting someone. They would speak Russian to each other, because even though Bucky only knew Russian because of Hydra, it was comfortable for him. But no matter how much both she and Steve tried, Bucky needed Lovisa.
Lovisa had stopped sleeping by his side, simply grabbing a thin blanket and curling up on the sofa, but she never slept much. No one knew if she ignored Bucky's screams when he had a nightmare, or if she simply couldn't hear them - but the truth was she thought he deserved better than her. The only thing going through her mind was that Hydra was in her blood, she was the living, breathing creation of Hydra. No matter what she did, no matter she went or what she said, she would always be Hydra. Whenever she looked in the mirror, her eyes were the living proof of what she was, and when she stared too long, the dark circles under her eyes vanished and in their place appeared wrinkles, and her face slowly morphed into Commander Hirsch's smug, smirking face, laughing at her because he had succeeded. Where Bucky had been manipulated into being Hydra, she was born Hydra, pre-bred, perfect for their cause - and Bucky needed someone good, pure and kind. She avoided Bucky more than anyone else simply because she thought it was better for him, she didn't want to be the one to drag him down, couldn't bear the thought of holding him back when he was so clearly born the most wonderful man to have ever walked the earth.
At the kitchen table, Steve put his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "I know Buck... How about we watch a movie tonight? Maybe that movie about pirates that she loves so much?"
"I think it'll take more than a movie, Cap." Clint said carefully, watching the two men before him swallow. Clint didn't know Lovisa well - heck he barely knew her at all - but it was as clear as day that Steve, Bucky and Sam loved her. The pain shone in their eyes whenever she snapped at them or blatantly ignored them, and no matter how many times Steve attempted to help her, she always shooed him away, needing space, her voice unsteady. "If she doesn't want help, you can't force it on her."
"We can't just leave her like this." Steve argued. "She needs help, look at her, she's barely aware of what's going on around her."
"Maybe Barton's right..." Bucky muttered quietly, staring at the floor. "After the Helicarrier attack, I just wanted to be alone. You came close to finding me a couple times but... I couldn't face you."
Steve stared at him for a few seconds, then sighed. "So what do we do? Tell her we'll ignore her if that's what she wants?" He shrugged, not having the slightest clue of what to do.
Before anyone could answer him, the back door slammed open and they could hear Lovisa and Natasha arguing. " - needs you! Do you even know what he's going through right now?" Natasha shouted.
"You help him if you know so much about what he needs!" Lovisa shouted back, appearing into the kitchen looking furious. "I'm the problem here!" She growled, turning on her heels to glare at Natasha who was frowning deeply. "I think there's enough people under this roof to deal with the shit that's going on, you're all better off without me." Lovisa finished in a eerily calm voice before stepping into her bedroom and slamming the door shut.
Bucky jumped out of his chair, pushing Natasha out of the way and knocked on the door. "Lovisa!" He called strongly. "Lovisa!... Liz please..." He whimpered out desperately.
The door opened a few seconds later and she appeared before him, gritting her teeth to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down her cheeks, and slung a backpack over her shoulders. "Goodbye James." She said in an extremely final voice, easily stepping past him as he stared in shock at the place she had been standing a few seconds before.
Steve stood up, about to say something when she looked around at him. "Don't call me. Don't look for me. Just..." She took a deep breath, closing her eyes for a second before continuing. "I did what you asked me to do and found Bucky for you. Make sure he gets better, and say goodbye to Sam."
"Lovisa..." Steve shook his head, taking a step towards her.
"No." She shook her head strongly, stepping backwards towards the door. She looked over at Clint who was watching curiously, then over at Natasha who was shaking her head. "Goodbye Captain Rogers, it was a honor to serve with you." She finished, nodding her head before turning on her heels and heading out of the door.
Not a second later Bucky let out a heart wrenching sob and fell to his knees, his body wracked with tears.
The weeks passed by and Lovisa travelled around the states. She was running, away from her past, away from the present... Away from herself. She took buses to various states, stayed in motels, saw some beautiful places. The first place she went to was Las Vegas, not because she wanted to see it - because in truth she hated the place - but because it was crowded and easy for her to change her identity. It was there that she dyed her hair a deep vibrant purple and changed her clothes to some torn jeans shorts or long cargo pants with some fitted tank tops and the occasional sweater. She hacked various bank accounts and made sure she was high on cash, replaced her phone and buried her old one in a secret pocket inside her bag. From L.A, she made her way to the coast in California, saw San Francisco and it's Golden Gate Bridge, the Yosemite national park and Death Valley. She hitchhiked and backpacked through Nevada and Utah and saw the Zion national park and the Bryce canyon.
After two weeks she met a group of three women backpackers at the Horseshoe Bend in Arizona. She had met and spoken to many other people but these three women were the first people she chose to stay with because when she was with them, she felt the pain in her chest ease away a little for the first time since the whole event in Stockholm. Lovisa had been sitting on the rocks, simply staring out into the distance with her camera by her side, when she noticed someone sit beside her. She turned her head to find a skinny young woman wearing thick rimmed glasses, her hair in a pony tail. "Jaysus it's pretty darn hot today." She panted in a French-Canadian accent, shaking the Star-Wars t-shirt that she was wearing beneath multicolored suspenders. "How do you not get sunburn in this weather?"
Lovisa shrugged. "Good sun screen."
"Yeah... I keep forgetting that. I guess that's what happens when you travel with two sisters with skin as black as theirs." The girl snorted, pointing to two athletically built women a few meters away, arguing over a camera. "See the shorter one with the long black braid and pink shorts? That's Camilla. She's my girlfriend." She grinned.
Lovisa watched the two sisters as they continued arguing, taking various pictures and frowning at the result on the screen. She didn't really know what to say, she had never met these people before and yet this skinny little woman was talking to her as if they were friends.
"I'm Yvonne, by the way." She suddenly said, taking out a bottle of water from her bag.
"Lovisa." Liz nodded, taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, enjoying the heat.
"Urg, Dawn is driving me crazy." Lovisa opened her eyes and saw Yvonne's girlfriend Camilla sit beside them. "Just because she's two years older than me she thinks she can take better pictures than me. It's utter bullshit."
"She does have a nice hairdo." Yvonne teased, handing the water over to Camilla who shot her a death glare. "What? She has the whole short curly afro thing goin' on, it's pretty."
"Then why don't you date her instead of me." Camilla groaned as she extended her legs on the rock, stretching them.
Yvonne laughed. "I would, but then I'd miss driving you crazy." She said.
Lovisa watched the two and smiled. They were so obviously in love, it was beautiful to watch. They didn't need to spell it out for it to be obvious, just the way they looked at each other, the way their fingers lingered over the other's as they handed each other things, the way they sat close to each other. Lovisa sighed sadly, remembering how she used to do the same thing with Bucky. She missed him, she never thought she would ever miss someone but her heart was pining for the warmth of his embrace, the smell of his hair after he washed it, to hear him sing off-key with Sam in the mornings... Just to see him smile.
"Hey you wanna go back into town with us? You look like you need some company." Yvonne's voice broke through her thoughts and Lovisa looked at her, finding the two sisters grinning at her as well.
That's how the three women took Lovisa under their wings and let her into their lives without asking a single question about who she was. They hadn't planned it, but as Dawn explained, backpackers need to stick together, especially women. After getting a meal together, they found they were all booked on the same bus that took them to Colorado, so they stayed together as they visited the Maroon Bells–Snowmass Wilderness, then got on a bus that took them to Montana. It turned out that Dawn was a professional tennis player whilst Camilla was in athletics. They had met Yvonne the year before on their summer holiday, and had never separated since then. Yvonne was in computers, though currently unemployed.
Thanks to them, Lovisa was starting to smile again, participating in conversations and finally starting to enjoy the travelling. Up until then she had tried her best to forget her past, forget Hydra and Steve and Bucky and everything else she had been through, and she finally felt truly free. She felt independent, reveling in the fact that she could go anywhere and do anything without anyone holding her back. She had seen some of the most beautiful places in the world, taken some extremely beautiful pictures, spoken to some wonderful and bizarre people, but one day when they were sitting in a diner, the television screen was on and Lovisa froze in her seat.
"Officials have yet to confirm or deny their involvement with the secret government agency, but it seems Captain America has taken things into his own hands." The news reporter read, while in the corner of the screen a video was playing of Steve fighting against what Lovisa could only presume were Hydra agents. The video switched to a phone recording of Steve, and Natasha could be seen behind him. "It has been reported that the metal armed assassin that was seen fighting against Captain America in Washington DC eight weeks ago is now fighting alongside him. " The camera zoomed in onto what was undeniably Bucky ducking behind an exploded car and recharging his gun, and Lovisa excused herself from the table.
She had been extremely, unforgivably selfish hadn't she? Just leaving without notice like that, leaving them all to take down Hydra by themselves whilst she took a holiday. Leaving Sam injured, leaving Steve confused, leaving Bucky... She had been so wrapped up in her own misery that she blinded herself to everything else. She knew Bucky had gotten worse, his screams still haunted her at night, and she regretted not rushing in to soothe him... Regretted not being in his bed in the first place. Ever since Steve had forced them to meet, before they even truly knew each other, they had both slept better together. There was just something between them, something inexplicable, but it just felt... Right. And she had left... Left because she couldn't face her own truth, convinced herself that she was bad for him simply because of what ran through her blood.
In doing so, she had let Hirsch win. She may not be the perfect Hydra agent that he wanted, but she was no good at anything else. She had screwed up her job - never even got a phone call after she got attacked there - screwed up her relationship with Bucky, screwed up the attack on Hydra and nearly got her friends killed... What hadn't she screwed up? She couldn't do anything by herself, the only thing she ever actually succeeded at was the missions she carried out for Hydra. Hirsch had, in a way, succeeded. The thought alone made her burn with fierce anger, anger at Hirsch, but mostly anger towards herself. She sobbed in her tent that night, and didn't bother to move when she heard the zipper. "Lovisa?" She heard Yvonne's tentative voice.
Lovisa looked up, pulling her knees against her as she sat watching the brunette. "Hey, it's okay, we've all been through some shit in our lives." Yvonne said softly, sitting beside her. "Why do you think we're here? My parents kicked me out when I told them I'm gay. I lost my home, my friends... I lost everything. But you know..." She shrugged. "Things get better, they always do."
Lovisa swallowed hard, her vision blurred by tears. "Not for me." She sniffed. "It's my fault."
Yvonne shook her head. "It gets better for everyone, and that includes you, Cat-Woman." She smiled.
"Cat Woman?" Lovisa blinked.
"Sorry, huge Batman fan." Yvonne grinned, pushing her glasses up her nose. "Camilla's always moaning about my Batman underwear but I ain't gonna change it, it makes me feel safe."
Lovisa smiled sadly, sniffing again. "I don't know what makes me feel safe."
Yvonne smiled again. "Come on, we've got marshmallows." She said, beckoning her out of the tent.
After eating a few burnt marshmallows, the four girls started playing truth or dare, which turned out to be more of a truth or truth as none of them felt like moving at all. After a few rounds, it was Lovisa's turn once more and she asked for truth. "Hmm..." Dawn hummed, twirling her fingers round an invisible beard. "Tell us about your first kiss." She grinned.
"My... First kiss?" Lovisa frowned, feeling herself tense up.
"Yeah, how old were you and where was it? Everyone has a crappy first kiss right?" Dawn smiled.
Lovisa smiled softly and dropped her head, thinking back to the night Bucky had ran off, how she had found him sitting on the side of the road, soaked to the bone. "It was raining..." Lovisa started, tears shining in her eyes as she smiled sadly. "He ran off after some bullshit argument and... He was sitting there, soaking wet, with bare feet and his hair just clinging to his face..." Lovisa chuckled as she wiped the tears from her face.
"How old were you?" Camilla asked softly.
Lovisa laughed, lifting her head to look at her. "It was a few weeks ago actually, I've lived a... A pretty sheltered life." She shrugged. "But... He was just so..." She bit her lip, her gaze drifting off into space. "As soon as his lips touched mine, it was like... Fireworks. Lighting up the entire universe. The most beautiful, breathtaking thing I've ever experienced and I just... It was like there was only him, like he was the only person in the entire universe..." She smiled, softly, visualising Bucky in her mind. "He's the most beautiful person you could imagine. He just makes everything better, when I'm with him it's like... Everything is going to be okay, no matter how bad things are... If he's there, there's hope."
Silence fell among them as the three girls watched Lovisa, small smiles on their faces. "What happened?" Camilla asked quietly.
"I left." Lovisa laughed to cover the sob that racked her body, sniffing and biting her lip again. "I thought I was doing the right thing, I mean... He deserves better."
"So you broke his heart." Dawn said flatly. "And your own."
Lovisa nodded reluctantly, fully expecting the three of them to tell her how stupid and selfish and crazy she was. Instead, she felt arms wrap around her, and she looked up to find Dawn holding her against her, Camilla sitting down beside her to wrap her arm around her shoulder as Yvonne stood beside them. "It's not too late to make things work out." Camilla said as she rubbed her hands on Lovisa's back as she cried silently against Dawn's shoulder.
"It is..." Lovisa swallowed, her body shaking as she tried to suppress the tears.
"It's never too late, not for love." Yvonne added, running her fingers through Camilla's dark hair. "Just go see him, call him, anything, just... Talk to him."
Lovisa closed her eyes. Maybe they were right, maybe things could still be fixed.
The next morning, the girls went to a Laundromat as they were running low on clean clothes. Lovisa dug to the bottom of her bag for the last clean t-shirt she had, and found the Captain America t-shirt that Sam had bought her. She hesitated before pulling it on, and looked at herself in the mirror. She didn't look anything like she had before leaving - her pale skin was now nicely tanned, her blonde hair was still a deep, vibrant purple, and the Captain America t-shirt that hung over her torn jean shorts made her look a lot younger than she felt. Made her looks... Normal. "Hey, you ready? If we put our clothes in together it'll save us a few dollars." Dawn called.
Lovisa pulled out her old cell phone and put it in her pocket before picking up the dirty clothes and putting them in the wash. After getting some approving remarks about her t-shirt, she stepped outside and hesitated for a few seconds before pressing the button to turn her phone on. She knew as soon as it was on she could be traced, but she figured after a month, they would have given up tracing her. She put in the password and her heart skipped a beat as she stared down at a picture of her smiling at the camera with Bucky's arms wrapped around her waist as he stood behind her, his chin on her shoulder as he smiled not at the camera, but at her.
Twelve missed calls and five unread messages. She skipped through the calls - either from Sam, Steve or Natasha - and got to the messages. They were all from Steve.
- We need you, please come back. Call me.
- Running doesn't solve anything. We're here to help, just call me.
- Things aren't so good without you. Please call. We miss you.
- I hope wherever you are, you are feeling better. I guess you won't be calling, but we're thinking of you.
Lovisa's heart broke as she saw the hope slowly fade from the messages. As she opened the last one, she felt the tears prick her eyes. "I love you. B." So simple, but so incredibly powerful. She quickly closed the message and took a deep breath, looking up at the sky.
"Hey Lou, we were thinkin' of - whoa is that the guy you're in love with?" Camilla's voice came, and Lovisa looked over her shoulder to see her sticking her head over her shoulder, staring down at the picture of her and Bucky.
"Yeah, that's him. That's Bucky." She sniffed.
Camilla's eyebrows raised as she took the phone in her hand to get a better look. "Hot damn, he's gorgeous." She laughed, handing the phone back. "Reminds me why I'm bisexual."
Lovisa chuckled as she put the phone in her pocket. "You were going to say?"
"Eh? Oh, yeah, er Yvonne and Dawn wanna go see New York which I know is completely on the other side of the states but uh, yeah. D'you wanna come with us?" Camilla shrugged, playing with the long braid she almost always had hanging down the side of her head.
Lovisa pursed her lips, thinking. "Yeah, why not." She shrugged. "Got nothing better to do." She smiled softly.
Camilla grinned. "Great! Well we haven't decided when we're going or anything, I mean I know you wanted to go see the springs and stuff -"
"We can decide that over dinner. I just gotta... I gotta go make a call, okay?" Lovisa hesitated as she spoke, biting her lip as she stuffed her hands in her pockets.
Camilla nodded in understanding, watching Lovisa as she walked down the quiet street by herself, her purple hair blowing about in the wind.
This number has been disconnected.
Lovisa's heart sank as she hung up on Steve's number. She tried calling Sam's number, and got the same message. She decided to go on the internet and typed 'Captain America' in the search bar, ploughing through the fan sites and speculation forums to find the news reports. In the month since she had left, he had been sighted in Richmond and Philadelphia, even Atlanta and Miami. There were rumours that he had been seen at an airport in Miami, and Lovisa cross checked the time of the sightings with the flight destinations, and found three possible flights - Qatar, Dubai or Detroit. Maybe she really was too late to fix things.
