Chapter 9
My everything - Part 2
∿∿ For FrenchBenzo ∿∿
"Look Caleb, there is something I need to tell you, she started, but a loud ringing interrupted her.
Caleb looked at her apologetically and said, "This will only be a moment, sorry." He said whilst reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone and walking off to take the call. Before Hanna could contemplate why he even walked off to take the call, something he never used to do before, he was already back to where she was waiting.
"So I have some good news, I was going to surprise you with it, but seeing how you are here now and we're still supposed to have brunch I might as well tell you. That was the garage, I had your car picked up to be fixed and it's already done. We can go and pick it up."
"Wait, you had my car fixed?"
"Yes, after I dropped you off at 77th, I called to have it picked up and fixed. You weren't planning on keeping it at that burger place forever were you?"
"No of course not. I was just not, I wasn't thinking about the car yet."
"Well then I'm glad one of us still has a functioning brain." Caleb scoffed, still a bit miffed at Hanna for being so evasive. Do you want to pick it up now, it's just outside the city so it might take a while before we have it and I have the car keys at my house, so we need to pick those up first." He said, pointing towards the street that he started walking towards. Hanna following his lead.
"Uhm… sure." Hanna said, thrown off guard by the shift in atmosphere, a moment ago she was on the verge of telling him about her engagement being off and now he was taking her to his house. Hanna did a mental double take.
"Wait, what house?" She asked, trying to catch up with him.
"What?" Caleb asked her, his eyebrows raised.
"You said the keys to my car are at your house. What do you mean your house?"
"Well, maybe that's something for you to find out. He said indifferently, in a way that reminded Hanna of the Caleb that she first met when he just moved to Rosewood.
"How many blocks is it?" Hanna asked, curious to find out if he still lived in their old neighbourhood.
"Gosh I don't know Hanna, quite a lot. I rather not walk to find out."
Hanna was getting more and more confused by his answers. "So if we're not walking, are we taking a cab?"
This actually made Caleb laugh, "Is that what they do on the lower east side? Take cabs everywhere.
"It is the fastest way to travel in Manhattan." Hanna protested.
"No it's not, but this is…" Caleb said, pointing at the entrance of the subway.
Hanna laughed loudly. "I don't even own a subway card anymore."
"Luckily for you I always carry a spare." He said, reaching into his back pocket and pulling one out of his wallet.
Hanna groaned, she really didn't like the subway that much and Caleb knew it. Hanna disliked the crazy people that sometimes rode the subway and the mess people seemed to leave behind. Not to mention people that loved to stare, tourists and people who ate smelly meals on the trains. Caleb was still holding out his hand with the card and Hanna took it reluctantly. Her mood deteriorated when she found out which train they were taking.
"The F train? Are taking me to Brooklyn?!"
"Just wait and see Hanna banana." Caleb teased. He would never admit it, but Hanna's hatred and annoyance with riding the subway had always been a great deal of comedy for him and he was fully enjoying the one he was getting at the moment.
The ride, to Caleb's dismay had been uneventful. He was however happy to find out he and Hanna could actually get along as friends. Even though he would always want to be more than friends, it was definitely an improvement from yesterday when he picked Hanna up from the burger restaurant and she had only spoken to him with one word answers.
"So Brooklyn, we meet again." Hanna said with a huge sigh after they climbed the stairs leading from the subway.
"Brooklyn is happy to have you." Caleb said, pointing Hanna in the right direction and walking towards his house.
"Isn't this the same neighbourhood where you once tried to convince me we should live?"
"The same, yes."
Hanna looked around the neighbourhood, it was greener, posher and more beautiful than she remembered. The neighbourhood was a mix of amazing brownstones that reminded her of sex and the city and colonial esque houses that seemed very well kept. The residents seemed very similar to their old neighbours and friends in the East Village, except the people here seemed to have more dogs and children. Caleb did tell her that the neighbourhood was up and coming when they viewed the house all those years ago.
"How do you like it now? Caleb asked her as he had been studying her face.
"It's amazing! It's truly amazing, it reminds me so much of our old neighbourhood. I can't believe I was being so difficult about you wanting to move us here before."
Caleb chuckled. "Apology accepted, you were seriously hormonal back then, so maybe asking you to uproot your life even more than it already was, might have been the wrong move. I mean, we only just found out we were expecting.
"Yeah." Hanna concurred, unable to say more.
"So here we are." Caleb suddenly said, pointing at a stately three story brownstone that looked way too familiar to Hanna.
"This is your house?"
"This is where your car keys are." Caleb joked, not answering Hanna's question and climbing up the stairs to the front door, which Caleb opened with the key he pulled from his back pocket, Hanna following close by. Caleb stepped into the hallway, which had high ceilings with a beautiful chandelier illuminating the rustic looking wooden floors and the stairs leading up to the first floor.
"Honey I'm hoooome." Caleb sang into the hallway as he stepped aside for Hanna to move further down the hall. However his words stopped her in her tracks. Before she could question him about this weird greeting a door to their left banged open and 2 small children came tumbling into the hallway.
"Uncle Caleb!"
Hanna looked at this weird exchange, Caleb seemed unaware by her surprise, not that he was able to see her anyway. The children, a girl who was about 4 years old and a boy who looked like he must have been 2 were hanging off him as if they hadn't seen their favorite uncle in ages.
"Now now, let him come in first, a voice came from the doorframe. Hanna looked up at a very friendly looking and she noticed instantly, extremely attractive black lady. She had her hair tied back into a perfect bun which seemed to highlight her amazing cheekbones even more. Hanna noticed her legs seemed to go on forever and Hanna thought to herself this lady must be a model. The woman smiled at her and Hanna noticed perfect white teeth.
"Hi I'm Joanne, she said in a kind voice, reaching out a hand to Hanna. "And these are my children" She pointed at the children who were now looking at her curiously. The girl had the most beautiful auburn colored curls Hanna had ever seen.
"Who are you?" The boy asked Hanna from Caleb's arm. He clearly felt safe around Caleb and Hanna was still trying to figure out how Caleb knew these people.
"I'm Hanna, she said to the boy and girl. In the corner of her eye she saw Joanne shooting Caleb a knowing look but decided not to question it. Clearly she was the stranger in this company. "What is your name?" She asked the small boy, but he buried his face into the crook of Caleb's neck instead.
The girl however stepped forward and shook her hand, "I am Courtney and that is my brother Caleb. She said very matter of factly. And that is also Caleb, but he is not my brother" She giggled.
"Why don't you guys come in, we can't stay here in the hallway forever." Joanne said, nodding towards her guests and disappearing into the house. Caleb looked at Hanna and nodded at her to follow him. The living room was just as large as she had remembered and it had been beautifully restored. The wooden floors extended into the livingroom and the once run down walls had clearly been plastered to the highest standards.
Caleb had already followed Joanne and the children into the kitchen toward the back of the house where he opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of soda, all of it with little Caleb still on his arm. Hanna was impressed by Caleb's ability to maneuver around with a toddler on his arms, but he seemed undeterred, like he walked around with a toddler on his arm every day. Unwillingly, her head travelled to a place where it imagined Caleb walking around the house with their daughter in his arms. Hanna swallowed hard and pushed those thoughts to the back of her head
"Hanna, do you want a drink?" Caleb called from the fridge.
"Sure." Hanna said, still unsure of herself. She felt like she just walked in on a family and was only here to observe. She walked over to the kitchen island and stood there watching Caleb poor her a drink and placing it down on the counter for her.
"Come and sit down Hanna, make yourself at home." Joanne said and held up what looked like a massive club sandwich on a plate. "Hungry?" She asked Hanna and Caleb.
"Yes!"Caleb and little Caleb exclaimed at the same time.
"I could eat." Hanna said.
"I was just making club sandwiches for the kids, so it's nothing special. But there is enough for everyone. Sit down Hanna, let me make you a plate. Joanne said pointing at the seat next to Caleb.
"Thank you Joanne." Hanna said and sat down next to Caleb, taking in her surroundings as Joanne busied herself with making more sandwiches. Hanna looked out of the french doors into the garden, like the living room, it was much larger than she remembered. She realised full well all of this could have been hers and Caleb's hadn't she been so difficult about moving to Brooklyn. Hanna's thoughts were interrupted by Joanne who placed a plate in front of her.
"Thank you Joanne."
"No problem, I like having people over."
The two women smiled at each other. "You have a very lovely home."
"Well thank you Hanna, I must say, it's all thanks to this one, Joanne said, nodding towards Caleb. Our very own angel."
Hanna looked between Joanne and Caleb, she was shocked to see Caleb flushing and deliberately not meeting her eye.
"Your very own angel?" Hanna dared to ask and Joanne shot Caleb an annoyed look.
"You didn't tell her?" Joanne asked him angrily.
"Tell her what? Caleb said with his mouth full.
"Oohh uncle Caleb, you can't speak with you mouth full." Courtney told him, taking the stool next to her mother and tucking in.
"You just brought her here, walked in and forgot to tell her how we know each other? Gosh Caleb don't you know what that looks like?" Joanne laughed exasperatedly as Caleb shook his head. Now it's going to look like we are your family or something weird, the way you walk in with your stupid honey I'm home, holding my kids and ransacking the fridge like you own the place."
"I do own the place, Caleb half laughed and Joanne rolled her eyes. Hanna was getting more and more confused by the minute but was glad Joanne had understood this situation was a it awkward for Hanna.
"Hanna knows you're not my family, Caleb continued, I've known Hanna since I was 16 and she's met all the few people in my family." Caleb explained smiling at Hanna.
"Let me explain all this seeing as Caleb is still not getting the hint, she winked. "This man is a friend of my husbands. She started, pointing at Caleb. They work together, well actually, Caleb is my husbands boss. He manages Caleb's company.
Before my husband, Brent, got his current job with Caleb, he was working IT for a big corporation that went bankrupt. For a while we were really struggling, we just had little Courtney over here and me being a model, I was out of work until I got back into shape. At one point we needed to rely on help from others and even had to visit a soup kitchen a few times. Joanne continued and Hanna could tell she still found it hard to talk about it. She wasn't sure if she should tell Joanne she wasn't obliged to tell her anything, although Hanna was anxious to find out how Caleb came to be "their very own angel."
"We stopped by a soup kitchen one day where coincidently, Caleb was volunteering. We got talking and Caleb told us he just bought a house that he was renovating, but he was about to leave for Europe and he wanted to speed the process up. He asked us if we knew some handy people that could really use the money to help him out. Now I know I might not look it, but I'm very handy myself, not as amazing as Brent, but I am."
"So anyway, to make a long story short, we ended up agreeing to fix up this strange man's house so he could go to Europe, Joanne laughed, however Hanna felt like she was going to be sick.
Hanna realised all of this happened only a few days or weeks after she had left Caleb, which meant he must have bought the house when they were still together, knowing full well she would come around after she had seen the end product. Hanna looked towards Caleb as Joanne continued enthusiastically, but he was not meeting her gaze. He was staring intently at his sandwich and picking at the lettuce that was on his plate. Hanna understood full well why he was not meeting her gaze. After she had left him, he had been left with a house and no family, for which he had bought the house, which must have hurt him more than he would ever admit. Hanna wished she could make Joanne stop talking, but Joanne was oblivious to Caleb's inner turmoil.
"So now we have been living here for about 3 years, we have saved up enough to find our own place, but seeing as Caleb is only here for a few days every other month or so, he convinced us to stay until he ever finds the need to move into this house. Joanne added and smiled, but her smile faltered quickly when she looked at Hanna and Caleb and saw their faces.
She looked down at her kids and said; "Courtney, why don't you take your brother into the tv room and eat your sandwiches there."
"But mom…" Courtney protested.
"Now! Come on." Joanne said with a stern voice and ushered the kids out of the room.
Joanne waited until the children had disappeared through the door before she looked at them again. "I put my foot in it somewhere didn't I?
Hanna laughed at her direct approach and Joanne looked between her and Caleb. "So this is her, isnt it?"
Hanna glanced at Caleb who now met her eyes, although he was unreadable to her.
"This is her." He said simply.
"So what was it that I said, because the tension in this room, well it's undeniable.
"I never told her about the house." Caleb said quietly and took a large gulp of his soda, as if he wanted to swallow the words he had just spoken.
"You what now?" Joanna asked incredulously, but Caleb's silence was answer enough. Hanna noticed her eyes seemed to bulge a bit and she spoke again, this time there was definitely a trace of anger in her voice. "Caleb you bought a house for your girlfriend and you never told her about it?"
Now it was Caleb's turn to look at Hanna and she clearly saw the hurt in his eyes now. It all made sense to her now, he had bought the house behind her back after they had seen it, probably as a surprise, but then they had lost Jasmine and days later she walked out on Caleb. Everyone he had bought this house for, his entire future, had disappeared from his life in a very short time. Hanna could feel the prickling of tears in her eyes and wasn't surprised when Caleb stood up without a word and left the room. The door banging in the process. Hanna wiped angrily at her eyes and stared down at her plate. She didn't dare look at Joanne.
"I'm such an idiot, Joanne said and reached out for Hanna, placing her hand atop hers. Hanna I am so sorry. I didn't mean to mess things up. I just assumed you knew."
"Joanne, you have nothing to be sorry about. It's just…, me and Caleb have just recently reconnected and there is clearly still a lot of things we need to talk about."
"I am sure you'll work it out Hanna, Joanne said as she walked up to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of white wine and poured two glasses, handing one of them to Hanna who accepted it gladly.
"I know we've just met Hanna, and to you I'm just a bystander. But I know Caleb well enough to know he's loves you a lot. I don't think he ever stopped loving you."
"Why would you say that?"
"He doesn't really like to talk about personal things, but when you do come up, his entire face lights up and he just can't stop talking about you. He told me and my husband about how you were there for him when no one else was. That you saved him."
Hanna looked over at Joanne and managed a small smile. I can't believe he still talks about me that way after I treated him the way I did. Hanna admitted solemnly and taking a sip of her wine. "I hurt him so much, I left him Joanne, I walked out on him when things got rough." Hanna admitted.
"And yet here you are. Joanne said simply. That must mean something, besides, you might not have noticed the way he still looks at you, but I certainly have. She added winking at Hanna and moving over to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of beer and pushing it towards Hanna.
Hanna looked at her confused. "I haven't finished my wine yet."
"That's for Caleb, which you will bring to him. I'm pretty sure he's in his room."
Hanna laughed and nearly choked on her wine and coughed a few times before she managed to speak again. "His room?"
"I know that sounded bad, Joanne laughed, but this is officially still his house and he needs a place to stay when he's working in New York, so he kind of co-lives with us when he's here. Not to mention he's a great babysitter, but don't tell him I told you that! Joanne added. His room is on the first floor, first room on the left." She said, pushing the bottle into her hand and nodding towards the hallway.
"Thanks."Hanna said kindly and smiled at Joanne.
"Glad to help."
Hanna walked into the narrow hallway and started her way up the stairs with the beer and wine in her hand. A small flutter in the pit of her stomach as she decided, then and there it was finally time for them to talk…. About everything.
When she was halfway up the stairs she could hear excited voices coming from upstairs, one of them definitely Courtney's.
As she reached the top, she noticed the sounds came from Caleb's room, the door was slightly ajar and she peeked in the room as she walked towards it. She stopped right in front of it when she saw the scene in front of her. Caleb was sitting on his bed, leaning against the headboard with both Courtney and little Caleb on his lap and a massive book in his hands. Both children looked captivated by Caleb's reading who was using all kinds of voices to entertain them. Hanna smiled at the endearing scene in front of her and stood there for a while just enjoying the scene. It didn't last too long though, as Courtney had spotted Hanna standing outside of the door.
"Hanna! She shouted excitedly, look uncle Caleb is reading my favorite book, come and sit."
Hanna looked apprehensively at Caleb, not sure where they stood at the moment, but he smiled encouragingly at her and she stepped into the room. Setting the beer and wine down on his dresser.
"Come and sit next to me." Courtney said, patting the bed with her little hand. Causing Hanna to look at Caleb again, not really sure what was appropriate, but he was still looking at her with a smile on his face, so she took off her shoes and sat down next to Caleb, stretching out her legs on the bed.
"Caleb is reading about princesses, do you like princesses Hanna?"
"I do, very much so."
"You look like a princes, Courtney added, looking shy.
"Thank you Hanna smiled at the little girl, so do you." Which caused Courtney to smile broadly at her. "Caleb says he doesn't like princesses but I know he does."
Caleb laughed and looked at Courtney. "Why would you say that?"
Courtney looked at him like he was crazy and pointed at his dresser. "Because you have a necklace and shiny things in a box and only girls have necklaces and shiny things." Courtney said innocently however Hanna had seen his reaction at Courtney's words and noticed how Caleb had suddenly had gone nervous.
"Boys can have shiny things too. Your daddy wears a ring." Caleb tried, to in order to save himself but knew Courtney had completely sparked Hanna's curiosity by the way her eyebrows had gone up and he had not been quick enough to cover it up. However, he never suspected Courtney would ever go snooping in his room when he wasn't there. He knew she wasn't allowed, but it didn't surprise him. Courtney had always been inquisitive.
"I know boys can have rings, but your shiny things are like mommy's."
"Maybe the shiny things are for a girl?" Caleb challenged her, although he knew it was dangerous to challenge Courtney in front of Hanna, he wasn't sure how much she had snooped and therefor had seen.
"Are they for her?" Courtney asked, pointing at Hanna. Clearly Courtney had seen more than enough and Caleb wasn't prepared to find out how much of it she had seen and he wasn't prepared to tell Hanna about the contents whilst having to explain it to a four year old as well.
"Well, if it is for Hanna, it is a surprise, so let's stop talking about it before we spoil everything." Caleb tried in a playful voice he was glad to see worked when Courtney looked at him with big surprised eyes. "Shall I continue the story, we were nearly finished." Caleb said and Courtney snuggled closer into his lap and leaned against his chest in answer. Hanna sat beside them silently, yet her mind was racing. Ever since she had stepped into this house, she had found out a lot about Caleb since their breakup, although even more questions had formed at the same time. It was like she was there with Caleb, but with him holding a smoke curtain in between them keeping her from finding out the real truth. She knew of course she had no right to know anything about Caleb after she had walked out, but she wasn't enjoying watching from the sidelines either.
After Caleb had finished the story, he kindly and skillfully enthused both Courtney and little Caleb to go back downstairs and see their mom. With a quick promise to Hanna that he would be right back he scooped both kids off his bed and walked them downstairs. Returning within 5 minutes and looking at Hanna intently who hadn't moved from her spot the bed. He closed the door behind him and picked up the beer and wine from his dresser and sitting down on the side of the bed, turning slightly to hand the wine to Hanna. Caleb took the cap off the beer, talking a few gulps before speaking.
"So?" He asked
"So?" Hanna asked back, suddenly becoming very nervous and unable to speak. The last time they had been alone together was when they were in the car on the on the way to New York and that didn't go all too well.
"Hanna you came here, holding a glass of wine and a beer, please tell me they weren't both meant for me. I actually like to think you came looking for me for a reason.
"No, Hanna smiled. I mean yes, yes I came looking for you for a reason." She said, watching Caleb sitting down on the side of the bed, watching her struggling with her words. He took another sip of his beer still watching her, a clear sign that he wasn't going to talk and was waiting for Hanna to continue.
"Jordan and I broke up, she blurted out. I thought you should know."
Caleb on the other hand nearly choked on his beer and let out a few loud coughs before regaining his composure again.
"Are you okay?" Hanna asked concerned, this was not how she had imagined telling Caleb.
"Maybe I should ask you the same thing?" Caled said genuinely, looking at her. Hanna could tell by the way he was looking at her that he was feeling sorry for her.
"I'm okay." Hann said quietly, taking a sip of her wine.
"Are you really?" Caleb asked with a more concerned tone in his voice this time.
"I will be." Hanna finally admitted, telling people is the hardest part I guess."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Hanna looked at him for a while before speaking again. "I don't know."
"What is holding you back?"
Hanna snorted slightly and looked at him incredulously. "I'm not sure you are the person I feel like talking to when it's regarding my break up with Jordan.
"But we're friends right?"
"Friends… yeah." Hanna trailed off, not sure what to even think anymore. How could they be friends when they had never actually been friends. When they had met, they went from strangers, to classmates, and then from hating each other to dating each other. Hanna didn't think there had ever been a day in her life, after meeting Caleb where at least a part of her didn't still love him.
"So talk to me Hanna," Caleb said.
He wasn't sure if this was actually something he wanted to hear. He didn't like to think about Hanna being with anyone else but him. He knew how selfish and hypocritical he was being for even thinking it. Besides, he had just promised her they were friends, something he never wanted to be of Hanna's but it was better than being an ex. If neither of them hadn't been so stubborn and reached out to each other in their time of mourning, none of this would have happened. They would still be together, maybe even living in this house, maybe even having another baby. Instead they were here, two broken souls trying to to find their way back to each other. Although sometimes it felt like he and Hanna were on different roads completely. There was nothing more he wanted than being back together with Hanna, but for some reason she felt more disconnected from him than she had ever done and he didn't know what he could do to fix it.
Hanna looked at him apprehensively, opened her mouth and closed it again, picking her words carefully. "It's just weird being so close to someone and then having to cut them out of your life completely. It's like losing a limb or something or a part of you."
Caleb looked at her for a while before speaking, "It will get better Hanna, I promise."
"I'm not talking about him." Hanna said softly, her big blue eyes piercing his brown ones. As the words and their meaning finally got through to Caleb, his heart started racing and all he could do was stare at Hanna as he tried to ignore the deafening sound of his thumping heart which filled itself with hope again. He wasn't sure how long he'd been lost in her eyes, but he came to his senses when Hanna spoke again.
"I knew I shouldn't be talking to you about this, she said uncomfortably, misinterpreting his silence. Caleb didn't miss the disappointed tone in her voice.
"No Hanna, he started, reaching out and placing a comforting hand on top of hers. You can talk to me about anything, I was just pleasantly surprised by what you said." He confessed.
"You were?"
"Hanna you were engaged to the guy. I thought you were happy, and knowing you were happy would have always been enough for me."
"I honestly can't say the same thing to you." Hanna said averting her eyes and staring at her glass. She didn't want to say it, she didn't want to talk about the elephant in the room, she'd rather just pretend Spencer and Caleb never happened but who was she kidding. Still not looking at Caleb, she could feel him move from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed. For a moment she thought she had gone too far and he was leaving again, but then she sensed him moving around the bed and sitting down next to her, his legs stretching out and his shoulders pressed against her. His warmth radiating from him and his Caleb like smell intoxicatingly addictive. She noticed he was wearing the same cologne that she had taken with her together with his favorite sweater the night she left him. Hanna felt his warm hand upon her leg and she couldn't help but look at him.
"Hanna, please listen to me. I really thought you had moved on and that you were happy, we hadn't been in contact for 3 years and I honestly didn't think I'd ever see you again. I just accepted that you were gone from my life forever, even though you always held a large chunk of my heart, I had to move on. I was in such a bad place for a very long time after you left. Hanna when I met you, I finally stopped feeling so alone and for such a long time you were my source of happiness, you became my reason to love, to enjoy life and become the man I wanted to be for you and more. But when you left, I didn't just lose you and Jasmine, I really lost my reason to live."
"I was lost for such a long time, when I left for Europe, I really planned to never return. I never wanted to find myself anywhere that reminded me of you. But then I walked into Spencer, and I felt there was finally someone who understood me and who knew my past. She was hurt as well and I think I put all my energy into liking her and telling myself it could be something." Caleb sighed, took a few gulps from his beer and looked back at Hanna, he could tell she wasn't enjoying this trip down memory lane but he needed her to understand everything.
"Hanna, whatever happened with...with Spencer, please don't you ever compare what we had together with Spencer." He said, squeezing her leg in reassurance when he noticed her eyes brimming with tears. He never imagined how much he would hurt Hanna by dating her friend, if he had known, he never would have gone there.
"Did you love her?" Hanna asked suddenly, looking him straight in the eye.
"No, Caleb said confidently and truthfully. No I didn't love her and she knew it."
Hanna looked back down at her glass of wine, she must have finished it all whilst he was talking about Spencer because the glass was drained.
"Did you love him?" Caleb asked but dreaded the answer, Hanna was going to marry the guy.
"Caleb I've only ever loved one person in my life." She said, not daring to look at him. She heard him releasing a breath of relief and felt him squeezing her knee again. I think in a way he always knew that a part of me would always love you, but he told me he loved me enough for the both of us. Hanna said remembering what Jordan told her when she broke up with him. But in the end it wasn't enough for me, it wasn't a reason for me to keep lying to him or myself." She admitted and looked at Caleb.
When you and I kissed that night, I just couldn't keep living the lie, not for him and not for myself. Even if I couldn't be with you, I could no longer pretend to be happy with him.
"Did you ever tell him?" Caleb suddenly asked.
"That we kissed? Hanna asked him in surprise, she was shocked Caleb would ask such a question.
"No, sorry. He said. I meant about Jasmine. I was just wondering if you ever told him..."
"No, Hanna said in a sad tone, I never told anyone, did you?" She asked him now curious, seeing as he was the one that asked the question in the first place.
"Caleb?" She asked again when he remained silent.
"Well Brent and Joanne know, but they figured it out when I gave them a silver baby rattle I once bought for...you know." He trailed off looking sad. And I nearly told your mom once." He finally admitted.
"My mom?!"
"Yeah, I had just arrived at your moms house, she had offered me a place to stay earlier that day and I don't know. After everything that just happened, I was feeling very down. After I had settled into the guestroom, she came in to check on me and we got talking. I told her about me and Spencer breaking up and we got talking about you." He said. Shifting uncomfortably remembering how Ashley had pressed him about their breakup and why on earth they weren't talking.
"Uhm she kept asking me about what happened between us. She said it just didn't make any sense that we broke up, and that neither one of us ever seemed to want to talk about it, making her think that something awful happened between us. She's actually really worried about you Hanna. She told me she felt like the both of us were just projecting love upon the wrong people because we didn't want to deal with whatever happened between us." Caleb looked at Hanna at these last words, knowing that just like him, those words hit home like nothing else.
"So how did you get my mom off your back, she's not known for backing down that easily."
"I told her in this case it would be better that she talked to you, and if you felt like telling her, she would want to hear it from you and not me."
Hanna looked at him, processing his words but not speaking.
Seeing how Hanna remained silent after his last words, Caleb spoke once more, feeling like they were finally laying it all out on the table and there was still a lot he needed to get off his chest.
"I really underestimated it you know, not being able to talk about losing Jasmine." He said, his voice breaking. Just after it happened, you were in such a state. I tried to help and support you and I tried to keep strong for you, for both of us, but on the inside I was broken. And then when you shut me out I felt like I was losing everything that ever mattered to me. My entire world suddenly came crashing down around me, I tried everything to stop it but it still crashed.
"Caleb, I'm really sorry for shutting you out. I think I was just in shock. I don't even remember going home after we heard the news. I just remember waking up in a panic and you weren't there. I woke up thinking I had a nightmare but then I realised it was all too real and I relived everything causing me to have a panic attack and you weren't there Caleb, just when I needed you. When you finally got back that night, I think I must have already shut you out, at that moment I couldn't deal with more than my own pain which is what I did. I couldn't handle waking up again without you being there when I was feeling so vulnerable so I shut you out to protect myself.
I only left because I went to do something I hoped would cheer you up."
"I always assumed you left because you didn't want to be there with me."
"Of course not Hanna, how could you ever think such a thing?
"I don't think I was actually thinking back then."
Caleb sighed, understanding that to mere lack of communication, they had drifted apart and finally lost each other for years.
"How sad is it to know this all happened to us because we simply stopped talking to each other Han." He said in a croaked voice
"Yeah, Hanna said dejectedly, thinking about all the time they had lost. Hanna was surprised to see Caleb getting off the bed again, she followed him with her eyes, unsure what he was going to do next. She understood they needed to talk, but she was finding it very hard recollecting the painful memories. Caleb had stopped in front of his dresser that Courtney had pointed at earlier. He opened the middle drawer and pulled out an old shoebox. He brought it back to the bed and sat back down next to Hanna. He pulled out a square silver jewelry box and held it in his hands looking at Hanna.
"This is where I went when I left that day and didn't come home till late, I think it's about time you have this." He said handing Hanna te box. She took it with trembling hands and stalled momentarily before taking of the lid, her heart racing. She could tell Caleb was holding his breath as she lifted the lid of the box and looked at a beautiful and sparkly necklace inside, she lifted if out of the box and admired the elegant pendant.
"Now before you say anything, let me explain what it is." He said pointing at the heart shaped pendant on the chain. I took the angel caller I gave you before Christmas to my friend Jeremy, remember him? I just couldn't hear that tinkling noise anymore after…"
"Anyway, I gave him a few sketches of something I wanted to give you instead. He melted the silver chain and parts of the angel caller into this, something positive, or at least that's what I wanted it to be."
"So this, Caleb said, pointing at the open heart shaped pendant, this big heart consists of 2 separate hearts pressed together, you could disengage the two hearts if you want, but it'll be very hard." Caleb explained and Hanna could tell the pendant indeed consisted of 1 very thin hearts pressed together. These hearts represent you and me. Caleb continued in a soft voice and the little solid heart in the middle represents Jasmine. With your birthstone pressed into it because you two were connected in a way no one else was."
Hanna couldn't talk, Caleb's words as he explained the meaning of the beautiful necklace soothed her like a warm blanket where she could feel safe at home and herself again. Hanna tried to find words to express how she was feeling but couldn't find the words. She looked at him with tear filled eyes, her blue orbs finding his brown ones.
"Caleb" was all she was able to breathe, still looking at him intently not being able to find words to express the cascade of emotions running through her. She felt Caleb's eyes bore into her and it made her forget about the world around her, forget about the pain they had experienced together and the pain they had caused each other. In this moment, there was only them and the love that they still had for each other between them. Hanna could feel Caleb's soft breaths on her face and her eye flicked momentarily towards his parted lips. She looked back at his eyes, all she could see was love. Hanna inched her face closer to his, their noses nearly touching for a second before she pressed her lips softly onto his, capturing the sigh that evaporated from them. His mouth parted allowing her tongue access as his hands cupped her cheek and pulled her closer to him. A deep surge of love and desire shot through Hanna as their tongues danced around in a passionate battle, every atom in her body was vibrating from being so close to him again. Hanna snaked her hands around his neck, her hands pulling on the hairs on his neck. Causing Caleb to moan into her mouth.
In one swift moment Caleb laid Hanna down on the bed and leaned over her, all the while their kisses continued in a heated passion. Tongues tangled together, lips continued to glide across the other and their moans started to fill the room. Caleb dropped his weight onto Hanna, feeling the warmth of her body, enhancing their closeness even more. Hanna never planned on kissing Caleb the way she was, she knew there was so much they still needed work out, but looking into his love filled eyes, she had lost all of her sense of rationality. Her mind muddled by the love she still had for Caleb. But as his hands started to tugg at her shirt, something snapped in Hanna and she pulled away breathing hard. She could feel Caleb's rapid heart beating underneath her hand she had gently placed over his heart, his breath ghosting over her skin. When he finally opened his eyes, his searching eyes held hers for an answer.
"Caleb.." She said, pushing him off her and into a sitting position and sitting up as well
"Hanna, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" He asked concerned.
"No, she said with a massive grin on her face. Nothing is wrong, actually it was great… and uh.. I'm just not sure if we….uhm… I'm just not so sure where we should go from here." She struggled to say, her cheeks flushing bright red.
"And by that you mean?" Caleb asked trying to sound calm, although his heart and mind were racing.
"Caleb I want...this. I do." Hanna started to panic slightly. "But only yesterday we were still fighting and I still need to move out of the apartment I shared with Jordan, you only broke up with Spencer recently, I don't have my car yet, we still need to talk to my mom about Jasmine, I haven't written my business plan yet and I'm still shacking up with Emily in Lucas's loft." She said hysterically, clearly losing the plot as she rambled on.
"Hanna! Caleb said, calm down!" He moved over to her grasping her face in between his hands, trying to calm her down the only way he knew how and pressed his lips gently onto hers. A soft slow kiss this time, their tongues finding each other almost immediately in a dance of pure love and passion. Caleb could feel Hanna relaxing against him, he moved his hands from her face to her waist, he carefully laid back into the pillows of his bed and pulled her flush against him, wanting her as close as possible, having missed their physical connection. Caleb couldn't get enough of the feel of Hanna back in his arms, kissing her, the sweet smell of her perfume and shampoo clouding his brain. They broke apart when breathing became a challenge, but remained closely entwined, their chests heaving from trying to restrain themselves.
Caleb kept one arm tightly wrapped around her waist, the other moving a strand of hair out of her face. Hanna and Caleb looked at each other with broad smiles on their faces. "Did that calm you down a bit?"
"No, Hanna laughed, but it kept me from having an emotional crisis."
Caleb pulled Hanna close to him and she buried her head in his chest like she always had done. He leaned his head on top of hers and sighed, still holding her close, brushing her arm. "So what can I do to help you with this emotional crisis?"
Hanna moved back slightly to look at him, she seemed to think for a moment before reaching for his hand, entwining their fingers and pulling him upwards. She reached over to grab the necklace and gave it to him. "Well first I think you should help me with this."
Caleb took the necklace from her and helped her put it on, his hands lingering on her soft skin as he did so. Hanna turned around when he finished and placed a lingering kiss on his lips. "Thank you for this." She said, holding onto the necklace.
"Glad I could finally give it to you." Reaching out and taking her hand in his.
"Han," "Caleb." They both started and they both laughed at their timing.
"You first, Caleb said gently, seeing you're the one with the crisis and all."
Hanna looked up at him, "Caleb, please don't get me wrong and hear me out. I want this, I really do. Nodding towards their hands and squeezing his. But I don't think we should rush things. There is still way too much going on in both of our lives and I feel we need to sort out our lives first before we jump head first into something."
"First of all, I still need to get my car. I lied to you before, about why I am in New York. I am actually here this weekend to get all my remaining things from my old apartment and I really need to deal with that this weekend. I need to leave that part of my life behind before I'm ready to start one with you."
"Also, when we get back home I want to tell my mom about Jasmine if that's okay with you?" I know what we agreed all those years ago, but I feel like she needs to know."
"Of course that's okay Hanna, I agree with you that she needs to know. Would you mind if I tell my mom as well?"
"Of course not. If you feel comfortable telling her, you should."
Silence fell between them, it wasn't awkward but Caleb could tell Hanna had another thing she wanted to talk about. He waited before nudging her.
"Just spill it Hanna, I'm not going anywhere."
Hanna let go of his hand and stood up facing him, arms crossed and tapping her foot, a clear sign she was nervous. "I think you need to talk to Spencer, at least before you and I take this further Caleb. I don't know what happened between you guys and I'm not asking, but I do feel you and her need to have a face to face conversation before you and I should even consider being anything more than.."
"More than what Han?" Caleb asked deadpanned.
"I don't really know. More than what we are now?" She pleaded, silently praying he would clear up what they were at the moment as she was struggling to comprehend what they were. What their kisses meant.
Caleb got off the bed and walked towards Hanna, untangling her arms from her chest and taking her hands in his.
"So what you are saying is that nothing more than this can happen?" He started pressing a hard kiss on her lips, a more passionate, desperate kiss. His hand grabbing her ass, her side, running all over her. Hanna groaned at the sudden passion in Caleb's kiss and touch. She snaked her hands around his neck and pulled him closer in order to deepen the kiss. Hanna could no longer deny the surge of energy that seemed to pass through her every time he kissed her. The need for him electrifying every cell of her being. Hanna's promises to herself that nothing more could happen between them seemed to disappear rapidly. All she wanted was to kiss him all night long, to touch him and for him to touch her. She moaned into his mouth and took a step towards the bed.
Caleb suddenly broke the kiss and looked at her, breathing as heavily as Hanna, his chest heaving. She looked at him questionly, her eyes searching for an answer as to why he stopped so suddenly.
"Figured we should stop before we complicate things even more, Caleb said half joking half serious." Winking at Hanna in the proces.
"And are you okay with that?" Hanna asked, still trying to regaining her breath.
Just as Caleb opened his mouth to speak, did the door of his bedroom bang open. He jumped a little and moved away from Hanna, looking at the door to see Courtney standing there. Unaware of the moment she just walked in to.
"Mommy and daddy say dinner is ready." She announced cheerily and skipped back to the landing, running down the stairs.
Caleb looked back at Hanna and pulled her close, pecking her on the lips. "As long as you promise we can do way more than this one day, I'm okay with it."
XxxxxxX
Thank you again for reading. A special thank you for Halebxxx and FrenchBenzo for helping me with this chapter and the next and all other things to come.
Next up the Christmas chapter where Hanna actually got pregnant.
If you want a preview, let me now.
Reviews are highly appreciated, they make me happy :)
