I would really like to thank everyone who has read my story and especially those who have reviewed! I'm especially looking at you reading-lover-191, ShimmerShimmerx, and Speckledegg321, your encouragement has really driven me to keep exploring this story and the deeper value in Linstead's relationship that the show doesn't always have the opportunity to explore, but so many of us crave! I hope I don't disappoint you with the latest installment!
Jay couldn't recall the last time he'd really slept. Through little no fault of her own, Erin had made the task feel nearly impossible over the last few days. She hadn't gotten much either, the nightmares made sure of that. It was his worry that kept him awake. Or, maybe the worry was just a mask and he'd been avoiding sleep because he knew that it wouldn't be long before the nightmares had come for him too.
They'd seen Dr. Charles earlier this week and though immediately after they'd left, she'd felt somewhat better, the residual affects weren't long lasting and as soon as sleep came, she was back to square one. They'd all agreed they'd need at least one more productive session before he felt confident medically clearing her to return to the job.
She'd started to feel like such a burden on Jay now; causing her to remember all to well why it was her instinct to push him away. It was because of this that they'd been getting in some rather petty fights lately.
In his defense, Jay had done his best to avoid the arguments, but with her hand metaphorically hovering over her self-destruct button, Erin's defensiveness had been the driving force behind many of their squabbles. She would always feel like shit afterwards, in turn making her feel less deserving of him, which would cause her to push him away more; causing an endless, cyclical spiral of self-sabotage. It was exhausting for them both.
They'd gone to bed angry that night; both of them laying there in pointlessly stubborn, sleepless silence. Jay hated to leave things unresolved before falling asleep. He'd always stressed to her the importance of not going to bed angry. That was precisely why she'd done it.
It was easier to make him want to leave her now than let herself keep needing him and loving him for the unforeseeable future; just for him to one day decide that this was all too much for him farther down the road. The voices of the anxiety and depression living in her head had convinced her this was an absolute truth and fucking things up between them was the only option to avoid the real pain.
Jay was startled awake at 4:00 AM and he remembered briefly celebrating the fact he'd managed to get three hours of solid sleep before he'd instinctively looked over his shoulder to check on her sleeping form only to find the space next to him empty. He glanced towards their bathroom and finding it dark beyond the open door, he decided to get out of bed to look for her before letting himself become frenzied with worry.
Though he was relieved to find her sleeping on the couch, he couldn't help but feel a sense of hurt. He supposed that he should just be happy that she hadn't left or run off and that her big spiteful move had just been to fall asleep in the living room without even covering herself up. He pulled the throw blanket off the back of the couch, laying it gently over her, before just barely pressing a kiss her forehead. He'd have carried her back to bed but he didn't want to risk waking her up when for the first time since they'd arrived, the look on her face had actually been peaceful while she slept. It made him sad to see that she'd need to get away from him to find that serene slumber. She'd been hell-bent on driving a wedge between them these past two days and he'd worked hard not to let her. This was probably just another one of her ploys to get under his skin. He fucking loved her all right, but she sure could be a pain in the ass.
He'd stood there, arms folded across his bare chest, staring at her for a bit longer before he'd resigned himself to head back to bed and hopefully slip into at least another hour of actual sleep before he'd need to get up and get ready for work, though he knew without her there beside him, he'd be lucky to fall asleep again at all.
As he moved to take his leave for their bed, he was surprised to feel her hand on his wrist and tugging lightly there. He stopped and turned back to look at her, eyes locking on one another's silently for a moment before she broke eye contact and spoke. "I'm sorry, for everything. I'm such an ass sometimes." Before he could respond she continued. "Don't tell me that I don't need to apologize because I really do." She admonished, before struggling slightly to sit up. Jay moved to help her readjust and soon they were both sitting on the couch.
"Consider it forgiven." He shrugged. "It's part of your process, I can handle it."
"Just because you can handle it, doesn't mean you should have to." She sighed and even though she didn't feel she merited it, he put his arm around her waist and slid her closer to him. Somehow, even when she was in all this pain, he could always find a way to make her fit into him like a puzzle piece. Despite feeling that she was completely undeserving of such tenderness, she let herself melt into it anyway, if only just for a little while. "I came out here to write you a letter…I thought it might help but…" She sighed again, "I couldn't though. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't really get it out." She cast her eyes down at her hands dismissively now.
Jay's eyes fell to the pieces of paper atop their coffee table and felt an instant sense of relief. She hadn't come out here to avoid him, only finding undisturbed sleep without him there. She'd come out here to write him because she thought it might fix things between him like it had before. The thought of that gave him the hope he needed to fight for this bullshit between them to end, once and for all.
On the paper the only words she'd managed to write were the same two sentences scrawled in succession over the first eight lines of the page, sometimes separated by long lines of scribbles where clearly she'd written something else but instead, crossed it out: I'm sorry. I love you so much.
"Maybe you could just tell me what you wanted to say then?" He knew that was farfetched and might not go well given her natural inclination to grow defensive when she let herself be exposed. Still; he figured he would try. At this point, what could it hurt? Maybe things needed to get uglier first, so she could get it all off of her chest, and then they'd finally be able to really move on and get past this, together.
Her initial reaction had been to move away from him, not wanting to give in to the suggestion that she knew would be hard on both of them and probably result in her only ruining things more. But, maybe that was what she really wanted. Or at least, what she needed to do to free him of her toxic hold on him. That motivated her and she'd seemed to gather herself together as tightly as she could against the other arm of the couch, not looking at him. But she hadn't gotten up to leave either so, he'd resigned to giving her time to make her move, all but holding his breath in anxious expectation.
She said nothing in return for some time, which he'd anticipated, but then; suddenly he heard her voice again. "I don't deserve you. You're not going to want to hear what else I have to say but, just…listen okay." She sighed and she sat there for several more minutes in deafening silence before she had forced the words out. "I've done a lot of crappy things in my life. I think that's why bad shit always seems to find me, even now. Its just karma, taking care of things." She angled her face up towards his gaze finally and looked at him before continuing. "I know that you're better off without me so I guess I've been….trying to shove you away so you can be rid of me. You're too much of a gentleman just to leave. So if I really love you, thenI can't justify dragging you through all of this with little to no pay out. I know you're going to say I'm worth it and you can handle this but….you left me those weeks ago for a reason…" Those words came with ragged breath. "And now you're here and you have to be strong for me yet again. So your shit will take a back burner and you'll focus on me and we'll get me through this, we will. Because you'll be strong… and reassuring… and you'll be willing to do anything to save me no matter what toll that takes on you. So maybe it's just better if we…" Even in her grief-induced rage, she couldn't bring herself to actually say those words.
Though there was obvious hurt and sadness carved into his face; she saw the faintly honest hint of recognition in his eyes that gave truth to her claims, at least on some level. This justification prompted further confessions to spill out; "So that just means, you'll stay lost out there in your own darkness still. You haven't gone to your group since I….since that night and this is where it starts, Jay. You put me first, you lose yourself…. then we fall apart all over again. And here I've been…letting you. Letting you lose sleep over me, letting you put my needs ahead of your own…and I…it's selfish." Her words were thick with exasperation. "And then to top it all off….I keep taking these shitty stupid jabs at you and us and you just take it! And I let you…and I know I should stop…but I keep hurting you. How can I stand here and know that I'm doing this…. and I'm still fucking doing it?" She hadn't realized the tears had sprung in her eyes and she instinctively moved to hide her vulnerability by burying her face in her hands, forgetting about her arm, the sudden movement brought searing pain to it and she winced.
Jay had instinctively reached for her and again, she'd retracted away, not allowing him to offer her comfort that she felt so undeserving of. "You accept the love you think you deserve Erin. Because no one has shown you that… this isn't just me being some white knight here, okay? This is just me, being there for you. Stepping up for you. Because the people who have done that for you in your life have been so few and far between that you think it's somehow this huge stretch that you actually matter enough to someone….to their life…. to their own well-being that even if they wanted to….they couldn't stop caring about you and wanting to help. That they just can't stop loving you…ever," He paused to gather himself, taking in a ragged, emotion-filled breath. "It's sad Erin. It's fucking heart wrenching that you have been so badly treated your whole life that you can't understand that this isn't me being some self-sacrificing hero…this is just fucking love…"
She'd resolved to stay stoic through his delivery, but his words had started to cut through the freshly spackled walls she'd built around herself in the past few days. He read her like a book. Hell, he knew her better than she knew herself right now. He was right, about all of what he'd just said. The stubborn, broken part of her didn't want to admit that. Her instinct was to fire back with some shitty remark that would just push him further away but…some part of her heart had decided to stand up to her and those words didn't come, at least not right away. She just swallowed hard and looked at him for a long time, studying the redness that rimmed his eyes as his own tears threatened, he'd done a better job at staying strong then she had. Seeing him here like this, knowing his eyes were tired because of her…. and that his threatening tears had been caused by her actions….it was what gave her the strength to keep pushing him away, though only weakly at first. "You would be so much better off if you would just…go-"
He wouldn't even entertain her words, ones he knew she didn't actually mean, so he'd cut her off. "Erin…" He began firmly, shutting her up "….nothing you can say or do is going to make me leave. So do your best...give me your shittiest. Lay it all on me. If that's what you need to feel better….then go ahead. But it's not going to push me away. It might piss me off; it might make me sink to that level once or twice… I'm no saint but…I'm not leaving you. Ever. Sooner or later you are going to have to accept that." He hadn't meant for his words to be an actual challenge to her, but when she got into a state like this, he should've known better than to be so careless with his choice of words.
"Want to bet?" She'd dared back, because when she was this sad and broken, it was much easier to let the darkness do the talking for her. Her insolence had prompted him to rise from the couch in frustration. 'Good' she'd thought, '..it was finally working.'
"Erin…" He'd warned in tired frustration. He wasn't in the mood right now and even though he'd tried to be gentle, her persistence was wearing on him again. He hated the seemingly wicked smile that had grown on her lips, causing him to shake his head. He knew he needed to diffuse the situation…maybe he should just walk away before she escalated things. He was fully aware at how emotionally charged they both were right now and with senses on high alert, it was only a matter of time before he'd have allowed himself to be dragged down to her level. "It wasn't meant to be a challenge, babe." He sighed and his eyes searched hers for some sign of her, but her found only blackness in them now.
The sadness coating his words had caused her heart to clench. She hated herself for making him feel this way, but she'd convinced herself it was for his own benefit in the long run. A little pain now to avoid the bigger ache later…or something like that, right? "Just go away." She said finally. "You left me when things were too much to handle… maybe it's my turn to ask for space, that's how we do this right, let the current drag us out and back in again?" She goaded, though her words were empty and devoid of meaning.
His anger got the best of him for a moment, at the way she'd trivialized his leaving…as though it had been his first choice, like it was her he'd been running away from. Before he could stop, he'd felt the words fighting their way out. "Quit being such a…." He managed to stop himself from saying the last word, but she wasn't dumb, she knew what was implied. "You know that isn't even close to what happened." he finished, his tone strained to be less enraged then, but he knew he'd given her what she wanted, at least a little. He'd let her provoke him and he'd stoked the fire, even though he knew he shouldn't.
However small it was, the reaction she'd just elicited had emboldened her and she was poised to let loose on him now, really dig the knife in to get him to give up. She'd already mustered up the mean things she could fire at him about her finding out about him being married - but suddenly he'd moved towards her, drawing her up from the couch in one quick movement, and she felt him pull her flush against the bare skin of his chest before she'd had a chance to stop him. "Just…shut the fuck up." He'd said more roughly then the tone he'd taken with her before, and though his words were harsh, his arms were wrapped softly around her, offering comfort, despite everything.
"Quit being a bitch…shut the fuck up? That's way you to talk to the woman you claim to love?" She quipped back crudely, her resolve not yet fully weakened, even as she felt herself being inclined to relax into his touch.
"When she's acting like a bitch…yeah" He stated simply, there was a firmness to his words; he refused to relent now. He'd keep her in his arms until the safety he knew she felt there had soothed away her defensiveness. He should've known that she wouldn't let him.
She reached her good arm to push out of his light hold but he tightened his arms around her slightly. "Let me go." She warned.
"No." He stated simply, though he closed his eyes to give reprieve to his watering eyes. He wanted to say more, mutter sweet words of utterances of reasons to convince her that she didn't need to lash out at him and try and push him away like this… but she didn't want to hear those words anyway, so there was no use saying them. Besides, she could've easily moved out of his grip if she wanted but, they both knew it was all for show. He'd let her pretend if she needed to. She could've effortlessly shaken free of his touch but, she wanted him to hold her despite what she'd vocalized, and he took a small comfort in that.
She gave a half-hearted squirm in his arms before allowing herself to seek solace in the comfort of his chest. "I hate you!" She spat weakly, more to convince herself to stop being pacified by the intoxicating sent of him as he'd held her there.
"You don't." He sighed, he'd managed to remove the emotion from his voice, he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of getting a rise out of him again, especially when she was so obviously lying. It made his sympathy for her grow more then his anger at her, honestly. Though even when said meaninglessly, those words had some affect on him.
She wasn't sure what was even driving her resentment any more; everything in her brain was so jumbled up. She knew it didn't make sense. She knew there was no valid reason to try and wear him down or break things between them beyond repair…she'd fought this urge for so long. But when things were going right they eventually went wrong…it was physics or something. And when they went wrong…she found it harder to pick the pieces up and put them back together again. It was so hard to pull herself together now that it seemed almost easier to leave the pieces in a giant mess on the floor rather than trying to reconstruct herself for the umpteenth time. What she'd forgotten in all of this, blinded by her grief, was that Jay was willing to help her pick up the pieces and that when it came to putting back together Erin Lindsay; he'd proven himself to be a puzzle master.
"You should just…go stay with Will again. Why can't you just accept that I don't want you here…" She barely even tried to hide how meaningless those words were, she was only saying them for effect at this point.
"I feel like I was really clear when I told you to shut the fuck up, Erin." He said more firmly now, and it had taken her aback slightly, causing her to look up at him finally. Though they'd both been content with his arms wrapped around her, if she wanted to pretend she wasn't he'd make her own up to it. So, he moved her pointedly away, keeping her at arms length now. Fine, if she didn't want softness, he could try something else. Maybe the sensitivity of the kid gloves he'd been handling her with had only enabled her to feel justified in pushing him away. "So…just shut up already. Just fucking shut up and deal with the fact that I don't care that you're broken and angry and throwing a tantrum. That even now, when you're being a bitch…because you are…I fucking LOVE you. Can you please get that through your stubborn, beautiful mind? Please? Can you find the part of you that knows you're being an idiot and can you let her out to talk to me…PLEASE? Because I know that part of you is in there, I know that you're just letting the darkness stifle her."
He searched her face briefly to make sure he hadn't just pushed her farther away with this words but she stared at him in intense interest so he chanced it and kept talking, fast and frantic as if at any moment he could lose the focused attention that showed him she was still in there. "You know what, fuck it, if Erin doesn't want to hear me, maybe I should address the darkness for a second…." He knew he sounded crazy but then, love was made him that way. He regarded his girlfriend once more, but this time it was like instead of speaking to her, he was speaking past her…or into her somehow. "So, darkness…. last time, you used the drugs to lock the love of my life up inside of you. Immobilizing her. But you don't have that as an excuse now, because she didn't let you win that battle this time. I know that Erin is in there, lost in the cervices of the cloud of despair you have cast over her… and there are moments when I have caught glimpses of her fighting…clawing to get out from your clutches and you have made her think that if she is mean enough and foul enough that she can't win and then all that will be left of her is darkness but…. but I'm on her team. And we are stronger than you…" His eyes were wild with emotion and he searched her face for any sign that he'd gotten through to her. "Do you hear that Erin? Is my voice penetrating the lines of defense that you think are protecting you when they are actually just hurting you worse? It's me, your soul mate, I'm out here waiting to help you through anything."
She stood there, with him towering over her and she fought so hard to keep her resolve to be angry but his words had crashed through those last few stubborn tendencies and she knew he was right. Even without the drugs, she was being just as self destructive, only now she was doing it even though she was fully in control. She was allowing the darkness to consume her because it was…easier than being strong.
Finally, unable to hold them up anymore under the wait of all the pain and sadness that had been baring down against them, her walls crashed down around her and she let herself really feel the insurmountable pain she was causing them both right now. The tears came silently this time and even though she'd let herself give in to defenselessly vulnerable exposure, she'd still taken a step away from him and turned her back to him when he'd reached out to comfort her. "Erin…" He breathed out gently, fearing that instead of making things better he'd made them worse and this was the part where she gave up completely. What would he do then? The self-doubt threatened to overtake him into his own dark place; there he'd be of no use to either of them. His need to protect her was the only thing keeping him from backsliding again.
Her fight or flight reflex was teeter-tottering in the silent war waged in her mind and it felt like an eternity had passed before she turned around finally to look upon his tear stained face. She hadn't meant for this to happen. It wasn't her intention to drag him into her dark malice only to have him stay and take it on the chin, just like she had with Bunny time in and time out. How had she managed to become the type of person who had taken the only pure, good thing she had and turned it into a weapon to hurt the man she loved? She knew immediately that she needed to make this up to him, even though he'd have told her not to worry about that just her being okay was enough. It wouldn't be enough for her. He deserved better than what she'd given him, and even though she had been through something awful…. she had no right to take it out on him. "I…" She wasn't even sure what to say. Sorry didn't seem like enough but without an apology, she didn't feel like she even had the right to address him. There were just no words to communicate any of the things she wanted to tell him right now. So, she'd show him. She took a tempered step towards him, her hand reaching towards his face, and she watched every muscle in his upper body tense at the anticipation of her touch. Her lips had found his and they moved in what felt like slow motion as parted lips came together in an almost timid kiss. He wasn't sure how she'd wanted him to react, trying to keep his emotions in check, as not to scare her away. Their brief kiss broke and even after she'd moved a couple paces back, they remained close, just staring at each other.
They'd shared several kisses since that night, but he realized now that he'd been so afraid of pushing her too far or hurting her in some way, that none of those kisses had translated to their normal passion. He wasn't sure where she'd feel comfortable going physically after her attack and since she hadn't initiated anything beyond a tender kiss, he planned to wait for her to make the determination that she wanted to take things beyond that. It wasn't until now that either of them realized how much they missed the comforting heat of the spark between them.
Erin's lips found his again but this time, her tongue deepened their exchange and her uninjured arm drew up to rest a hand on the back of his neck, bringing his towering form down to meet hers. He allowed himself to be fully consumed by those kisses, ones that deepened with each second until no space remained between them anymore. He longed to give in to passionate release and for that to be what fixed everything for both of them now. But, he had to make sure this wasn't just another one of her distraction techniques that later, she'd regret going through with. "Erin…" He forced his tingling lips from her own and pressed them to her forehead gingerly. "You don't have to….maybe we should…"
"I know…" Came her husky whisper. "I want this…fuck it, I need this. I'm tired of talking…there's no miscommunication in this…" Her words ended in another passionate kiss that sent a shiver through both of them. That was enough for him and in one motion he was picking her up and her legs were wrapping around his waist, giving her the height advantage on him now. "I'm….sorry…" She whispered between passionate, longing kisses.
"Me too…" He'd muttered against her soft lips and then they were moving towards their bedroom and he was laying her down in their bed and she was pulling him down on top of her, is hands working gently to make their clothing no longer a factor. "Are you…" He didn't even have time to finish the question before she was pulling him closer, kissing him deeply in nonverbal confirmation, moving to swing her leg over his waist to command control of their encounter. He glanced up in awe of her beauty and his hands moved to steady her hips as she came down over him in one fell, sensual movement that merged their bodies together. Soon they were tangled together passionately, moving together in the familiar rhythm of impassioned love-making that seemed to last endlessly until they'd both simultaneously found ardent release. She'd collapsed against his chest after and though she'd felt like there was so much she needed to say…to apologize for he'd stilled her to silence with another deep kiss, before turning to roll her off of him to rest gingerly on her unharmed side.
"I think we've said everything we needed to tell each other about being sorry for earlier…words seem to get us in trouble lately…" He'd trailed into the hair that pooled at her neck. The intensity of their encounter had brought them both to tears and it was in the most silent moments of their all-consuming experience that they'd truly said all they needed to say about what had transpired before and how they vowed to never let such darkness in again. "I think we can just agree to put it behind us and resolve to be better moving forward… you know?" He added, nuzzling against her.
"I still don't deserve you." She lamented thoughtfully, "But I am going to figure out how to…." She said quietly as tiredness was threatening to consume her now. She bestowed one last loving kiss to his lips before letting herself welcome her first bout of sleep devoid of any plaguing nightmares.
