Disclaimer-Merlin does not belong to me (he belongs to Arthur of course)
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Chapter 9-The River
For the remainder of the afternoon, Merlin spent time with his mother helping her out in the fields whilst Arthur wandered around on his own feeling rather bored.
In the evening, Merlin appeared by Arthur's side and wordlessly led Arthur toward the woods on the outskirts of Ealdor. At first, the prince was worried that Merlin would beg him to hurt him but he relaxed when the dark haired boy perched himself on a log and indicated for Arthur to sit beside him.
"Merlin?" Arthur asked hoping for some form of explanation as to what they were doing here.
"Will." Merlin replied by way of an answer.
The blonde nodded understanding that the place was somewhere Merlin and Will used to visit. For a few moments Arthur felt like he was somehow invading Will's territory but he pushed those thoughts away. It was Merlin's decision to invite Arthur here and if the deceased William had a problem with that then it was just tough.
"We used to sit here together a lot." Merlin told the prince. "Sometimes for hours, just talking."
Once again Arthur found himself not knowing what to say. He could think of plenty of things he would like to say but he didn't know how to say them.
There had been a few times when Arthur had told Merlin that he loved him, cared for him and wanted to treat him right. But Merlin had always ignored such talk and begged him to hurt him some more. Sometimes Arthur wondered if Merlin even realised he was declaring love for the boy. Then there had been the times Arthur had attempted to kiss Merlin on the mouth but the warlock had never allowed it. The prince hoped that in time, Merlin would accept that he loved him and someday love him back.
Looking at the ivory skinned boy Arthur found his eyes darting to his lips. He almost let out a whine as he craved to know just how those lips tasted. In his mind, Arthur always imagined Merlin to taste pleasantly sweet but at the same time unbearably sour. As the other male sub-consciously chewed on his lower lip, Arthur found the temptation to swoop down and kiss him almost overwhelming. However, Arthur Pendragon was a prince and was well practiced at remaining composed. He fought his desires away silently vowing to himself that he would never kiss Merlin unless the wizard specifically asked him to.
"What are you thinking about?" Merlin asked suddenly startling the blonde out of his thoughts.
"Nothing of importance." Arthur replied. "Why don't you tell me more about Will and how you spent your childhood together?" Arthur suggested. "It may make you feel better."
Merlin shrugged and ruffled the back of his hair with his hand.
"Honestly I don't know what to say." Merlin said. "Even though he was my best friend for so long I can never think what to say about him."
"Just tell me whatever comes to your mind." Arthur replied.
"When I close my eyes and think of Will, all I see is him dying in my arms." Merlin told the prince sadly. "Over and over. Sometimes at night I have dreams about that day. In my head…I save him, in loads of different way. Sometimes I dream that I saved him using my…my…"
"Magic." Arthur supplied saying the word in a low whisper.
The warlock nodded before continuing.
"Other times, I treat his wound somehow, like Gaius would do." Merlin said. "Then other times there's no wound at all because the arrow never hits Will…it hits me and I'm the one who dies. But when I wake up I remember what really happened, I remember that he died and I remember that I didn't save him…I didn't even try to save him. I just stood there and watched…useless as always."
"You're not useless." Arthur told him adamantly. "And the fault of his death does not lie with you. What about…what about happy memories?"
"Gone." Merlin replied simply. "I try to remember but…all the good times, the fun, the laughter…those memories seemed to die along with Will."
Arthur sighed and made to place his arm around Merlin but hesitated when the slender boy looked at him reproachfully. The blonde let his arm drop limply by his side and looked down at the earth beneath his feet. Several silent minutes later Merlin shifted closer to him and positioned Arthur's arm loosely over his shoulders.
As simple as the action was, it took Merlin a great deal of courage to do it and the result was one of an incredibly happy smiling Arthur.
"I want to thank you." Merlin said as he leaned into the prince's warmth. "For bringing me here, back to Ealdor I mean."
"You're welcome." Arthur replied.
"When did you stop being a prat and become so caring and mature anyway?" Merlin asked trying to lighten the mood.
"Oh I assure you Merlin I'm still a prat." Arthur chuckled.
"I'd like to go home soon." Merlin said turning serious once again.
"Yes, it's getting late." Arthur observed as he looked up at the glowing moon through the tree branches. "I suppose your mother will be worrying."
"No, I mean home." Merlin told him. "Back to Camelot."
"I'm not sure." Arthur replied. "I need to know that things won't return to how they were the second we arrive back in Camelot."
"They won't." Merlin said quietly. "But in a day or two I want to go back regardless as to whether you come with me or not."
"You know that I will." Arthur stated. "I'd follow you through hell and back but…I never want to be the one who's putting you through hell again."
"The beatings weren't hell for me Arthur." Merlin told him. "They were all that I lived for, the nights with you. By day it felt like I was dead inside and it was so exhausting having to pretend to everybody that I was ok…then with you, I didn't have to keep acting. You reminded me I was still alive, you made me feel."
"It was wrong of me." Arthur said. "Wrong of us both. And it's not happening again…I hope you understand that. It might not have been hell for you but it was for me. I couldn't stand hurting you."
"Sire…" Merlin began before trailing off and shaking his head. "Follow me." He instructed.
Standing up, Merlin led the way out of the woods towards the nearby flowing stream of water. Though it was dark, the light from the stars and moon beamed down on the liquid surface so the two young men could clearly see the river.
As Merlin stared into the watery depths a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as a memory of Will unlocked itself.
"Will and I wanted to know how deep this river was." Merlin informed Arthur. "So one day we just jumped straight in. It came up to our chests back then…it would probably be waist height to us now. The water was freezing cold but we didn't care. We splashed around in it into we couldn't feel our toes and fingers and our lips turned blue. Then my mum made us hot drinks and we kept warm by the fire as she told us stories."
Tilting his head back Merlin looked up at the blanket of stars. A peaceful expression crossed his features and Arthur decided right then that Merlin looked insanely beautifully in the glow of the moonlight.
"Do you think he's up there?" Merlin asked. "Looking down on me?"
"I don't know." Arthur admitted. "But I always like to think my mother is up there. It's comforting in a way."
Merlin nodded his head in agreement before turning his head to meet Arthur's blue gaze.
"I'm sure they're both up there." He said.
They smiled softly at one another before Merlin shrugged off his jacket and dropped it to the ground as he stepped out of his shoes.
"Merlin, what are you doing?" Arthur asked as he watched the raven head begin to undress.
"Whilst I'm here I may as well bathe." Merlin answered before pulling down his breeches to reveal his naked form.
Despite the fading cuts and bruises that littered Merlin's lithe form, he still looked exquisite as he stepped into the water. He shivered slightly from the cold before whispering an enchantment. Arthur blinked in shock as the blue of Merlin's eyes shimmered gold.
"Are you joining me or not?" Merlin asked as he looked to the prince his eyes now back to their normal blue after using his magic to warm up the water.
After a brief hesitation Arthur stripped off and folded his clothes in a neat pile next to Merlin's jumbled up garments. He then joined Merlin in the water that came up to just above their waists.
The water felt good on Arthur's bare flesh and he splashed it over himself cleaning away the dirt of the past few days and watched Merlin do the same.
"Sire?" Merlin spoke up sounding a little uncertain.
"What is it?" Arthur asked meeting his manservant's eye.
"I want…I want you to make me feel." Merlin told him and Arthur instantly backed away. "Wait…not like that." Merlin said quickly. "I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel good."
Arthur studied Merlin for a long while before slowly and cautiously moving closer to him in the water. When they were a foot apart the prince raised his palm to Merlin's pale cheek and gently stroked the smooth skin with his thumb.
The sorcerer closed his eyes and released a shaky breath. Arthur pulled his hand away then moved behind the dark haired boy and ran his hands up the length of his arms. His movements were soft and slow and his heart was beating wildly inside his chest. As mush as he wanted to make Merlin feel good, Arthur was terrified that Merlin might change his mind and beg him to hurt him at any second.
After a few moments of intense and slightly awkward silence, Arthur placed a kiss to Merlin's neck over one of the bruises he had made. Merlin let out a soft moan at the feel and stretched his neck to grant the blonde better access.
Tenderly, Arthur dropped kisses all over Merlin's neck before turning his attention to his shoulder blades and then down the length of his spine.
"That feels nice." Merlin told him. "Thank you sire."
"I prefer when you call me Arthur." The prince replied as he turned Merlin in his arms so they were face to face.
"Thank you Arthur." Merlin said with a grin.
Arthur smiled before beginning work on pressing gentle kisses to the marks on Merlin's chest and stomach. He would have kissed the warlock's legs too but they were under the water.
"Arthur." Merlin breathed as he looped his arms around the taller man's neck. "Fuck me."
"No." Arthur replied shaking his head and gently removing Merlin's arms.
"What?" Merlin asked clearly shocked. "But I thought…"
"Merlin, I don't want to fuck you." Arthur interrupted. "I want to make love to you. There's a difference."
"Well make love to me then." Merlin said making to press his body against Arthur's.
"If I tried to kiss you on the mouth, what would you do?" Arthur asked looking into the dark water rather than at Merlin.
"I'd…I'd pull away." Merlin admitted.
"Then this isn't happening." Arthur said decisively before climbing out of the water and pulling his clothes back on.
"But I want you to make me feel good." Merlin told him as he stepped out of the water too.
"And I want to." Arthur replied. "But not this way. Not when it doesn't mean the same for you as it does me. I don't just want to have meaningless sex; I want to be able to make love to you, to hold you, to kiss you and to call you my own. But you obviously don't want the same thing."
Merlin hung his head low and wrapped his arms around himself looking insecure.
"I love you Merlin." Arthur told him. "Remember that."
Placing a hand on Merlin's shoulder, Arthur guided him back to Hunith's house before bidding him goodnight and continuing next door to Hecuba's.
That night Arthur stayed away staring at the thatched roof thinking about Merlin. In the house next door, Merlin tossed and turned all night letting out the occasional tear. The wizard wasn't sure what was wrong with him. He knew the prince cared about him. Even if he hadn't said the words aloud his actions would have been enough. Despite that, Merlin was not ready to have someone make love to him.
His thoughts turned to Will. He tried to imagine his old friend's reaction if he knew about the way Merlin had made Arthur treat him. He then tried to picture the look on Will's face if Merlin had allowed the prince to make love to him.
Making love, it sounded so personal, so intimate. The thought terrified Merlin but he wasn't sure why. Eventually, in the wee hours of the morning Merlin decided he would begin his journey back to Camelot later that day. He also came to the realization that the idea of true emotional intimacy scared him so much because he loved Arthur Pendragon just as the prince claimed to love him.
To Be Continued
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