Chapter Nine: Back to the wall.

"So, as I said before, in order to know each, to understand each other you need to trust each other – only then can you work together as a successful team" Ana, the leader of the workshop, explained as she looked around the circle. She had only been working with them for an hour but it didn't take long for her to see that all their lives were inextricably intertwined, she saw it in the way they spoke to each other, the way the looked at each other but she had a feeling that they didn't know each other half as well as they though they did.

"When you get your piece of paper you need to write your answer, take your time- this isn't a test" she said as she passed the slips if paper around the circle, she had an idea they were going to need a while- she could see they weren't all that willing to open up.

"Write down what scares you most, " she reiterated as they collectively stared down at their papers "Then pass it back to me, remember these tasks are anonymous."

Cooper sighed as he looked down at the blank slip of paper in his hand – this was a waste of time, if any of them wanted to talk they had Violet...or Sheldon. Violet – she had suggested this, had wanted them to have to time together, to regroup after Dell. He thought of all the times Violet had been there for him, and the times he hadn't been there for her, the time he hadn't been there for her. He shook all thoughts of Katie from his mind, he wasn't there and, as he'd told himself a million times since, there was nothing he could do to change that, he couldn't turn back time, he couldn't heal her wounds all he could do was be there. He used to be scared of letting her down again but he had someone else now, and so did she, he had Charlotte to think about, to protect – not that Charlotte King looked like the kind of person that needed protecting from anyone or anything but people didn't see the Charlotte he saw, they didn't see the insecurities he had unearthed, they didn't know her like he did, they didn't know her. He quickly and decisively scribbled on the piece of paper and handed it back to Ana.

Once everyone had written on their piece of paper and handed it back to Ana they were instructed to form two rows with their chairs back to back. Charlotte sighed as Ana explained that they would change seats after each piece of paper was read out, giving them the chance to talk to everyone in the room. She didn't see the point of sitting back to back and discussing their problems 'anonymously' – why didn't they just get on with it, get things off their chest, the sooner they got things off their chests the sooner they could go home. However, despite her opposition to the task she was one of the first to take her seat, after giving Cooper a lecture she felt she had to be seen to be embracing the whole affair.

"Great," said Ana "now I will read each slip of paper in turn and you will have the chance to discuss what the statement means to you, to voices any of your fears, to share your feelings with each other."

Sam exhaled deeply in reply to her words, he really didn't see why they couldn't just act like grown ups and talk about things, they all spent all their lives avoiding talking about things, if they were to just stop and be open and honest to each other about their feelings they would be a lot happier and get a lot more done.

"So," Ana continued "Here is the first one for you to discuss, and remember, listening is as important as talking. I am scared of hurting the people I love," Ana's words hung in the air "just talk about how these words make you feel, what they mean to you."

There was a quiet hum as they all attempted to find something to say, something meaningful yet superficial.

"I think we all hurt the people we love in some way, it is how we know we love them" Violet said to the person sitting behind her.

"I think the more someone loves you the easier it becomes to hurt them." came Cooper's voice. Violet smiled as she realised she had been paired with Cooper, he was still the person who knew her the best.

By the time three of the pieces of paper had been read they were all finding it easier to talk, they had swapped three times and had the chance to speak to different people.

"Ok, if you can swap again please" Ana instructed.

They all swapped seats, taking the chair to the right of them. This time Cooper was paired with Addison, Charlotte with Sam and Violet with Ana.

"I'm scared of the unknown, of the things I can't control" Ana read.

"Erm... I think as doctors we will always be scared of the unknown, we like to be in control, we have to be in control, of our patients, of their illnesses and we feel that the things we can't control present a threat to us, to our ability to fix things and that scares us but it also feeds us, it keeps us looking for more, it keeps us pushing the boundaries and that is a good thing, that is what makes us all good doctors." Charlotte's voice surprised Sam, he had never heard her talk so openly, so candidly about her job, about her feelings and he had never considered the fact that he and Charlotte King shared similar thoughts and feelings.

"I think as doctors our need to fix things, to know the answers, to be in control is good, like you say it makes us good doctors but I think the problem is that we don't separate ourselves as doctors from ourselves as people and we look to control all the things in our lives, to know all the answers, to dissect and mend the things that happen to us and when we do that things fall apart because we realise we can't fix everything, we don't know all the answers." Sam replied. A silence fell between the two of them , a silence that said they understood, a silence that acknowledged the pain they both felt but a silence that also indicated that neither of them knew how to be any different, that neither of them knew how to be anything other than a doctor.

"Ok, and this is the last change" Ana announced "and then we'll get some lunch."

This statement was met with an air of relief as they moved for the final time. This time it was Cooper's turn to be paired with Ana whilst Charlotte and Violet sat back to back and Sam and Addison made the final pair at the end of the row.

"I'm scared of happiness because of my tenancy to destroy it." Ana threw the words at them, letting their impact reverberate around the room. She could tell this was a statement they could all relate to and a statement they would all want to avoid.

Addison's breathing became shallow as the words seemed to cling to her,she didn't need to turn around to know that Sam was sitting behind her, she could tell from his breathing, his smell, the way he had lowered his head when the words were read out.

"I'm scared that I'm going to run," Addison started, knowing that she owed it to Sam to talk about the way she felt "that at the first hurdle I'm going to fall, your love... our love, it scares me because it makes me happy, it makes me happier than I ever realised I could be and I'm scared that I'm going to destroy it, that I'm going to hurt you and that will make me run, I run that's what I do Sam, I..." Addison's voice came out as a whisper, partly because she wanted to keep her thoughts shielded from the other people in the room and partly because she wanted to shield herself, she had never been so honest and open with anyone and it felt strange to hear the words leaving her mouth.

Sam was glad that she couldn't see his face in that moment because she would have been very confused by the smile that was invading it. Addison might not know it but she had just made the step he had been waiting for her to take for months, she had finally admitted the thing that he knew scared her most; happiness. He knew that she had been burnt in the past, that she had played with fire and that she had ran away from the good and bad things in her life, she had tried to run from him to begin with but she had conquered the fear she had and given herself a chance to be happy. He had learnt that Addison needed someone strong, that as strong and confident as she was in the OR she was weak and vulnerable in her private life and she needed him to be strong, sometimes cruel, to make her realise that she deserved to be happy and she deserved a man that told her when she was wrong and challenged her need to run, she deserved him, she deserved happiness.

"You have to stop thinking about the past, we're doctors we know that the past cannot be undone, we see irreversible decisions made everyday. You say you're scared of happiness but you don't know what happiness is Addison because you've only ever been concerned with making other people happy, never yourself." Sam could hear Addison listening intently as he spoke, he wanted to say more, do more, he wanted to touch her, to show her what he felt, to keep her safe and happy but they both felt the constraints of the room, of the silence they both knew they had to keep.

Addison took a quick glance down the line of chairs, everyone else looked deep in thought, they had all reacted better to this than she had thought, they were all talking, bonding. Confident that no one was looking Addison moved her hand from where it rested in her lap and dropped it to the side of the chair where she knew she would find Sam's hand waiting, she slowly slipped her hand into his and felt the warmth of his palm against hers. Sam responded to her touch with a soft squeeze, acknowledging the understanding she was showing him, acknowledging the bravery she was showing him, the trust she was giving to him.

"I need to see you later," Sam whispered "alone."

Addison understood, she needed time alone with him too, they needed time to talk about the feelings they had bought up, the pain they had unearthed. She squeezed his hand in response, to tell him that she needed him too and that she would find some way for them to be alone.

"Ok, well done everyone," Ana praised.

Addison and Sam quickly released their grip on each others hand, their conversation would have to wait until later.

"It is really important to be able to talk to each other, communication is the key to good relationships. Now, I'm sure you're all eager to get some lunch, please make your way through to the lounge and you will be collected for your next session at 1pm."

With polite thank yous directed towards Ana the group dispersed into the lounge where they all had far more than lunch to digest.