When The House Goes Up In Flames

Chapter Nine – Resurrection

Bella was trapped, simple as that. She was watching herself hunt down this man – her father – and she couldn't stop it. Every time Edward stopped her, she could feel him, but she could not control her reactions.

She hadn't even seen the gun, and had barely heard the crack as the bullet left the barrel when it hit her. Then, she was very aware of the ground beneath her, the rain falling on her, and the bullet snaking its way through her body. She hadn't known that bullets could affect vampires. For one very brief second she could feel the switch in control from monster to child.

After that she was in his arms. He was apologizing over and over, afraid to let go.

--

It was two days before Bella came out of Edward's room. Two days, barely speaking, though Edward knew she could. Two days without allowing Edward to let go of her. Two days of lying on the floor, curled up against his chest, trying desperately to forget. Two days, watching each others' eyes grow blacker in the quiet.

He told her that they had set up the scene to make it look as though Charlie's car went off the road and hit a tree, throwing him from the car; the hospital was taking good care of him, and between the accident and his own grief, nobody believed that he had seen Bella.

The pain from the bullet was gone within an hour of being shot, and her knee was practically the picture of health by the time she got up, the only remnants being a tiny white scar on either side.

Over those two days, Edward would have refused to leave her even if she had asked. The thought of not being able to hold her sent shivers down his spine and left him wondering if she would be more of a wreck. He had never heard of a vampire being taken down with a bullet, mostly because the majority of his kind was quick enough to know when a human was about to fire on them.

There was no foreseeable way to forgive himself.

The thoughts of his family were constant in his head – it felt as though he were in two places at once. Everyone had decided to leave as soon as possible after Bella calmed herself. There was too much risk in staying in Forks for the time being. Occasionally, he would whisper updates in Bella's ear, and she would nod, and he would kiss her forehead.

She did not tell him about the memories. He couldn't be sure if she found anything in the house – the look on her face had been frustrated and lost. He wanted to tell her that she could easily go on without the memories, but there was no way she would listen to him.

The day she finally sat up and pushed him away, he couldn't hold back his curiosity much longer. "Bella, when we were in your room-" he started, but she cut him off by pressing her lips against his, kissing him hungrily. He kissed her back, opening his mouth and pressing their bodies close.

She continued to deepen the kiss, but a hint of desperation filled the minute space between them.

As much as he wanted to give in to her, there were problems that needed sorting. He pulled back, feeling his chest empty out slightly with the motion. "What are you doing?"

She didn't answer, only leaned in to kiss him again. He turned his head away. "What's going on, Bella?" he asked after making sure she wasn't about to jump him again.

"Nothing, just forget it."

"Bella, talk to me."

"Is it odd that I don't really feel like talking?" she snapped. He noticed that she was sort of floating pointlessly around the room, hugging her arms to her chest.

"No, it isn't," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her waist. "But we have to work together here. I love you, and I need you to talk to me."

"Don't say that," she mumbled. If she were still human, she would be on the verge of tears. "How can you say that?"

"What? I love you." She immediately cringed. "To be honest, I sometimes wish I didn't love you so thoroughly. It shatters me, and sometimes I feel like everything I'm doing is hurting you, even though I'm doing it out of love."

"I'm a monster," she said under her breath.

"Never say that." He turned her to face him, eyes stern. "You are anything but. You are beautiful and fragile, but never a monster."

"You were there, Edward. You saw what I did… to my own father. How the hell does anyone normal do that? Except I forgot, I'm not normal." Her voice was rising as she spoke. "You said it first: we're monsters, Edward. We're soulless, and we don't get any redemption. And I wish with every fiber of my being that this had never happened to me. That I weren't what I am. I want to let go."

Her words were surprisingly sobering. This was the reaction he had been waiting for since the beginning, for her to denounce what she was – what they were. He was also surprisingly prepared.

"Listen to me, and listen carefully," he began, taking her chin in his hand. "No matter what happened with Charlie, you are not a monster. There is a monster inside you, but you have complete control. It might never go away, but it will be quiet and submissive. But these things take time, Bella. Your memory, your control – you can't get them back overnight. All I am asking is that you stay with me, you stay sane. I swear to you that I will not let you slip away. The moment I held you after your change, I knew I could never let you slip away from my grasp again.

"We're both going to make mistakes, but we're rebuilding, Bella. I will do my damnedest to make sure that you don't fall too far. I'm not letting you slip, and I am not letting the beast take control. I will be here with you every step of the way. Please, just trust me enough to know that." Her gaze dropped, and he let go of her.

"You told me… we're monsters."

"You remember that?" he asked, forgetting that she had already said this. Bella nodded, looking back up at him. "Bella, when you were human, I wanted you to live your life as well as you could, to enjoy every experience you could while you could. The entire time, I was ready for you to join me. Eternity can look so very bleak when you're alone.

"However, you and I were two very different beings. Everything you did reminded me of that, and there was a part of me that was unwilling to see you lose your humanity. Years of boiling in self-loathing, of not fully comprehending who I was, made me shy away from making you one of us.

"And yes, truth be told, each of us has that monster dwelling within us. We all keep it in check, and we all live happy lives. I lived, really lived, for the first time when I was with you, and the monster was at bay. It's not going to change, not for either of us. Circumstances may, but the important thing is that we help each other."

"That was a very convincing speech you made," she said, though she didn't sound convinced.

"Bella, please tell me what's on your mind?" he begged, trying to get her to look him in the eye again.

"What if I'm not good enough?" she asked in earnest, eyes full of fear. "What if you and your family can… and I… I'll give in. I just know it. And I don't deserve it."

He had no idea what she was talking about now. She was babbling like an idiot, horrified that he would want to leave her. Not now, but someday, when he saw how imperfect she was. The longer she spoke, the harder he shook his head, until he couldn't listen anymore and cut her off. "Bella, believe me, if one of us doesn't deserve the other, it's me. All of this – your change, Charlie, your state of mind – it is all completely and utterly my fault. If I hadn't left, you would be safe. Granted, you would still be human, but you would be safe."

There was no guarantee that he would be guilt-free though. In that scenario, he would wonder constantly what their lives would be like if he had been selfless and left. He could see no way out.

"So this is what our life will be like, for the rest of… forever? You'll constantly feel guilty about me, and I'll constantly feel like I'm an abomination," Bella said after a short silence pressed on their ears.

The truth of her statement stung: lemons on a fresh cut. He wanted to say no, to tell her that would never happen, but it made perfect sense. It was exactly the way the two of them were headed. Never had he thought vampires had souls, but he saw their future laid out in front of them – their own personal hell.

"What if I promise never to feel guilty again?"

"That's not a promise you can keep."

Silence fell over them again, leaving a buzzing in his ears. Once again, she spoke an absolute truth. He couldn't avoid their situation, so they would have to meet it head on.

"Easy. Marriage counseling."

"We're not married."

"Not yet," he said with a coy smile. She hit him lightly on the arm.

"Please don't change the subject." The sun was coming up outside and the room was bathed in an otherworldly glow from the morning gloam. "Edward, are we going to be stuck like this forever?" He could picture the tears welling up and gliding down her cheek to fall to the floor – just a shadow of a memory for her. The need to tell her no was overpowering, but he could not promise her anything.

"No," he eventually said, though it did not sound as forceful or absolute as he hoped. "We both need healing. We will both heal." He emphasized and believed every word. Had they not been made for each other, made to spend all of forever with each other? Much as he felt this conversation was a resounding no, he could never deny the power he felt with her. He could never deny the complete emptiness he felt when she wasn't at his side. It was beyond love, wasn't it? It could overcome guilt or pain, transcend time.

He had been created solely for her, and her for him.

That's all he wanted to believe.

"So then why did you pull away from me before?" she asked, breaking through his thoughts.

"Because, Bella, I don't want you to come to me as a way to cling onto your humanity. I want you to love me because you do, not because you're desperate."

"I do, though. I can't help it." He smiled and ruffled her hair. "I love you," she murmured, pressing her lips to his. It was delicate and safe, the way they had been, but it thrilled Edward. "And I will try to trust you on all that."

After that, they left the room. Carlisle told them that they would leave that evening, and quickly hugged Bella, whispering in her ear that they all needed her, and that they were all there for her. She thanked him quietly.

--

It became increasingly difficult to think clearly around her. Every bit of him was filled with thoughts of her, memories of holding her. She was entirely his.

However, it seemed as though Bella's mood constantly went one way and then the other since her transformation. He couldn't blame her considering how much was happening constantly – she was better for a while, and then she stagnated, and then she got worse, and so on and so on. They were in a constant state of flux, and he had to watch for her to give up again.

Alice was trying to explain to him, again, what Bella's state of mind was after their family left. These mood swings were the fragments of her post-catatonic notion that he never loved her the way she loved him. She reassured Edward that Bella would truly mend and he would get past his guilt, leaving the two in the state they were meant for.

Trust me, Edward, I know what I see. So he tried to believe it.

The two of them were having this conversation privately – meaning within Edward's own head – so as not to disrupt the rest of the family. Everyone was chatting away, as though the past two days hadn't happened at all when Alice froze. Her eyes opened wide, terrified and met Edward's. He saw what she did before anyone else even noticed that she was having a vision.

"What is it, Alice?" Jasper asked, fear creeping into his voice. He felt the tension between his wife and his brother.

"Charlie's coming. He knows what he saw, and he wants answers."

"Well, we can't give him any," Edward said dryly, eyes only for Bella. He didn't want to risk her having a relapse – she might not return after that. "We leave, simple as that."

"Except he'll see that somebody's been here," Rosalie pointed out.

"How long until he gets here?" Emmett asked.

"About a minute. He just decided."

"That's enough time to at least get Bella and I out, the rest of you hidden," Edward said.

"No," Bella said quietly.

"Bella, are you insane? You can't stay here!" Rosalie erupted. "After what happened, do you really think Charlie's going to want to give you a hug and have you say you're sorry? You tried to kill him, Bella."

"Rose, you aren't helping," Emmett said, watching the look on Edward's face with caution.

Charlie was now close enough that Edward could hear his every thought – they were screaming above those of his family's. "We're getting out of here, now." He grabbed Bella's arm and tugged her to the back door. "Bella, please just listen to me," he whispered, feeling her struggle ever so slightly. She took a deep breath, and let him pull her away.

Carlisle and Esme were staying in the house, trying to hide any traces of their habitation from Charlie's eyes. Emmett and Rosalie were to hide in the trees, waiting to watch his every move, and Alice followed Edward and Bella, accompanied by Jasper, ready to tell them of any changes in Charlie's plan.

The four of them ran, breaking apart only to dodge around trees. It wasn't a full out sprint, because none of them could fathom going too far. They slowed to a stop, and Bella flung herself into Edward's arms. She didn't trust herself not to run back; she needed the comfort his figure offered her.

Everything went very, very dark for Edward. The far-too-familiar voice of Jacob Black was within reach, and he was sprinting straight for them. The rest of the pack was not far behind. "Alice, we have to move, now," Edward hissed, picking Bella off him and clutching her hand before running off in another direction. "The pack."

"They wouldn't break the treaty."

"They've already crossed the line." Their conversation was hushed, even as they ran. "They're going to break off – three of them after us, the other three to the house."

"Why?"

"You know how we thought nobody would believe Charlie? We gravely overlooked someone." Jacob Black and his thoughts poisoned Edward, allowed him to revert to a jealous rage. He had heard too much in the short time the dog's thoughts had been in reach. The way Jacob felt about Bella, the fact that Bella reciprocated on some level – pure devotion.

"Is he following us or going to the house?" Jasper asked a few yards away from Edward as he ran around a large rock.

"Who are you talking about?" Bella asked warily, slowing her run just a little. They couldn't afford to stop running, but Edward had no idea where they were headed.

"Bella, you have to keep running," he said, quietly ignoring her question. Bella slowed down even more in defiance.

"Answer me, Edward."

"I will answer you if you keep running," he snarled, pulling her hand so that she stumbled forward into his arms and his full-on sprint. "Jacob Black is convinced you're going to hurt Charlie. The pack believes we've gone back on our little agreement."

"What are you talking about?" Bella looked thoroughly confused.

She didn't remember Jacob, or the pack. None of it.

"I'll explain later, when you're safe," Edward whispered, pushing forward. Alice and Jasper were falling behind, but neither of them complained much. They understood Edward's priority – Bella – just as he knew that they would protect each other over all else in this situation. Surprisingly, Bella kept quiet, allowing him to continue to hold her as they ran.

"Aren't I slowing you down like this?" she asked, keeping tabs on his expression.

"You'd slow me down more if it weren't like this." He continued to run, ducking under leaves and narrowly escaping branches. Panic did not suit him.

"What about Carlisle and Esme? Or Emmett and Rosalie? Are they in danger?" Bella asked.

"They can take care of themselves," Edward replied flatly. Actually, he couldn't be too certain – the rest of his family had no warning. "Oh, God," he whimpered. If he hadn't been holding Bella and focusing on getting her away, he would've been smashing the trees around him.

"What?"

"We have to turn around."

One of the wolves' thoughts was especially troublesome. The dog's voice was hard and loud in his head, spitting threats about fire. They were going to burn the house down to draw Esme and Carlisle out.

There were still two wolves following Edward and Bella – the third one had broken off to go after Jasper and Alice. The three going towards the house all shared similar thoughts of unmitigated hatred. They would go at any lengths to let the Cullens know that the treaty was null, as far as they were concerned. Nobody would listen to reason, nobody would negotiate.

It was war the wolves desired. They would get a war.


A/N: So, Bella is essentially an emotional yo-yo. That went a little bit off my vision for this chapter, but I hope it works. Also, Edward's speech kind of goes off on weird tangents, but hopefully it makes sense. It makes sense to me, but I've been awake for almost twenty-four hours.