Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters.
The Heart of a Queen
By Sevick
I'd like to break the chains you put around me, and yet I'll never try…
CHAPTER NINE:
Kaoru had wanted to have a full night's sleep, but somehow her sleep pattern had been changed over the last few late nights.
So she found herself, once again, wandering the castle at night.
It was becoming a bad habit, as she moved down the staircase between shafts of moonlight. The large windows above the entrance lit the foyer with silver, and added to the room a layer of chill. Wrapped in little more than a robe, Kaoru shivered as she touched her feet to the bare marble floor.
As she walked towards the kitchen, she heard yet again the telltale sounds of someone practicing in the dojo. Now she knew it could only be one person… was she ready to face him again?
The icy anger of earlier had melted in her encounter with Soujirou, but the feelings she had for Kenshin were now buried beneath piles of denial and hurt feelings. Seeing him again may unearth them, but for what? He obviously wanted nothing to do with her, that way, and had made it clear from the start. She didn't want to embarrass herself any more by throwing herself at him. Luckily no one but Kenshin had been witnessing her forward behavior, or else she would have already disgraced the throne beyond repair.
But she couldn't walk away.
She stood in front of the dojo entrance for several moments, her palm against the door. She could hear his swings and heavy breathing, could hear the whisper of the blade cutting through the air, and she could almost see him flying over the floor. Kaoru had always thought her father was the strongest warrior who ever lived… until she met Kenshin.
A lot of things changed when she met Kenshin.
The question was, were they for the better?
With a resigned sigh, she slid open the door, loud enough that Kenshin heard and turned to look at her. A strange emotion laced his eyes, and he waited for her to speak.
"I wanted to apologize about my behavior last night. It was awful – unforgiveable. To attack you that way-"
"You were hurt. I understand."
Kaoru looked at him, her lips parted and her mind churning. Anger once again boiled beneath her skin, and she wasn't even sure why anymore. She took a deep breath, and walked further into the room.
"I guess I was," she said neutrally as she pulled a wooden sword off the wall. Kenshin looked at her in fear, and she almost laughed. "I just want to practice. Shall we have a kinder lesson tonight?" She smiled, a peace offering.
Kenshin nodded slowly, placing his own sword against the wall and choosing a wooden sword.
They took their stances, and began to spar. Kenshin pushed a little harder tonight, knocking Kaoru down a few times, then helping her up and going again. Kaoru could see him slowly raising the bar, and smiled.
An hour later, both thoroughly exhausted, Kaoru called for the end.
"Thank you, Kenshin."
"For what?" he asked between heavy breaths, replacing his sword on the wall.
"For not letting me win – for pushing me. I know you may never use your full strength - I don't think I'd ever be at the level to face you at full strength – but you're not treating me like a queen, or a girl. For that, I thank you," Kaoru said, equally breathless, sitting down on the floor. Kenshin came and sat beside her.
"I wish only to repay your kindness. You are a talented swordswoman, Kaoru."
"Even though I believe in a foolish dream?"
"That could be part of it. You are passionate, and I can only hope your passion for your dream can someday make it a reality." Kenshin looked up at the ceiling, while Kaoru studied his profile.
"I suppose I was a little too passionate last night. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"Only as much as I deserved, for hurting you."
Kaoru let her gaze fall to her feet, so that he couldn't see the sudden emotion in her eyes. An emotion even she had trouble identifying as it whirled around in her mind.
"I suppose I was the only one hurt by what happened between us," she said quietly, but Kenshin definitely heard. He opened his mouth to speak, but she laughed suddenly, a low mean chuckle. "That was the whole point of it, wasn't it? All this time, I kept pushing you, and you weren't going to lie to me and let me think it was returned. But you did play games, Kenshin, with your eyes and your words and your-"
Kaoru felt emotion cut her off, as tears welled up behind her eyes. Not now, she told herself, gritting her teeth and closing her eyes. But the feeling of Kenshin's eyes on her only made it worse. She jumped up from the floor.
"Do you see this?" she asked, pointing to the tears falling down her cheeks. Anger, pain, and passion mixed in her blood, and she smiled and looked away, still crying. "I don't cry, Kenshin. I don't. But you – you come here and suddenly, I'm crying. I'm a queen, of an entire nation, and a man I've known for – what, a week? – has me crying like a little girl. I care about you. If it wasn't obvious before, it sure is now… but you don't care about me, so what does it matter anyway?" She rubbed the back of her hand over her cheeks, scrubbing off the tears. Kenshin stood, and opened his mouth. "Don't," she said, holding out a hand, "please, just… don't."
Then she turned and walked out the door.
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It was almost never like this, with Kaoru going to Misao, but as the sun rose above the palace, here she was knocking at her friend's door.
A friendly maid opened the door, smiling and bowing graciously as Kaoru stepped into the room. Misao sat alone on the bed, brushing out her hair.
"Kaoru?" she asked, startled by her friend's intrusion. Kaoru was just glad Aoshi wasn't around; probably out on the hunt like Gohei and many of the others were.
"Hi, Misao," she said, taking a seat beside her. Kaoru was sure Misao could see the redness of her eyes, the puffiness of her face. As if on cue, Misao shooed the maid out of the room and took Kaoru's hand.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Kenshin… what else?"
Misao's hand tightened for a moment, before she reached her other hand to brush Kaoru's bangs out of her eyes and looked at her with real concern.
"What is it?"
"One minute we're friends, the next we're fighting, the next we're… he doesn't care about me at all, but I just can't help it, I…"
"You love him," Misao whispered.
"No, I don't," Kaoru defended instantly, before sighing as all the tightness fell out of her body in a sudden slouch. "I care about him, a lot, but it's not… love."
"How would you know? You've never been in love," Misao said with a tiny smile on her face. She wrapped her arm around Kaoru's waist and rested her chin on her shoulder. "It sounds like love."
"Well, whatever it is, it's very much one-sided. He doesn't want me at all."
"Remember when I thought the same?" Misao asked with a grin, glancing over at the wedding photo on the end table. "Men don't often say what they mean, Kaoru. In fact, sometimes they say the exact opposite. And they think women are difficult to understand." She laughed, but Kaoru remained silent, staring off into space. Misao sighed and squeezed Kaoru's waist.
"I… what should I do, Misao?"
Misao remained silent for a moment, and Kaoru looked over at her, desperate for an answer. For so long, Misao had come to Kaoru crying about Aoshi, miserable and believing it would never work. How many times had Kaoru told her not to give up? And finally, Misao got exactly what she wanted, and they were so incredibly in love. It was everything Kaoru wanted.
"He's going to leave, eventually." Misao pulled away from Kaoru and turned to face her straight on. "I'm sorry, Kaoru, but I think… I think you should forget about him. It's not worth all the pain."
"Was it worth it with Aoshi?" Kaoru asked, standing up from the bed and breaking their hands apart.
"That's different."
"How? How is it different?"
"Aoshi isn't from Tokugawa, and I'm not the queen," Misao answered matter-of-factly, her voice remaining calm. Kaoru looked lost, standing in the middle of the room. "You know I love you, Kaoru, I care about you and I just don't want to see you hurt."
"You keep saying that… everyone says it," Kaoru said softly. "What do you even mean? Do you mean the pain I'm feeling now?"
"If you keep this up with Kenshin, this will just be the beginning of your pain," Misao answered with full honesty in her voice. She crossed the room to Kaoru and wrapped her arms around her stiff body. "We say these things because we care about you so much. But it is your life."
"It is my life…" Kaoru repeated, her eyes vacant.
"Just think about this thing with Kenshin. Step back and think about it," Misao cautioned as Kaoru began walking to the door. "And please don't shut me out."
"I won't," Kaoru said quietly as she left the room.
Misao was right, so right it hurt, deep down in the pit of Kaoru's stomach. She should think about it…
But all she could think about was Kenshin's lips, his eyes, his heart. And somehow she was no better off than before.
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So far it had been a very boring court session. Nothing dramatic or life-changing had happened, and all the court members stood silently in their places, heads drooping off as they fought sleep. Kaoru herself was slightly slumped in her throne, listening to someone drone on about farming weather in the south. As though she could change the weather.
After the man had left, Gohei stepped up, presumably to end the session. People openly yawned and several started moving towards the door.
"Wait, wait, I have an announcement to make," Gohei shouted, though most believed it would just be a change in session time or in the date of some far-off ball. "An important announcement, about a wedding."
This caught everyone's attention, and many people poured back into the room. Kaoru sat straight up in her throne, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest. It couldn't be…
"I am extremely honored to announce the engagement of the son of our general, Soujirou, to our honored queen, Kaoru!"
Gasps and cheers exploded from the crowd, as Kaoru sat in stunned silence amidst the chaos.
Someone was grabbing her hand, pulling her out of the throne, and she turned and saw it was Soujirou, smiling at her.
"You knew about this," she hissed, slowly returning to her senses. Soujirou said nothing, merely smiling at her.
The crowd moved as one towards the throne, and she was thrown into a group of people shouting congratulations and shaking her hand. Misao was suddenly all over her, gleefully happy, shouting, "I'm so happy for you!" over and over again.
Gohei was lost in the crowd, luckily for him, as Kaoru felt an uncontrollable fury with his name on it.
She surveyed the crowd for him, as it surged around her and Soujirou, but she lost her train of thought as her gaze fell on an all too familiar sight.
Kenshin, standing at the back of the room, staring at her.
He did not look happy.
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As the mass of people thinned and left the court room, Kaoru ducked out without Soujirou noticing and ran to find Gohei. He was hiding, like a coward, in his room. As soon as she stormed into the room, he moved into defense mode.
"Kaoru, I-"
"It's 'Your Majesty' to you," she growled, slamming the door shut behind her. "That should remind you of your place. You are my advisor, Gohei! How many times must I tell you!? How dare you make that kind of decision for me, and announce it! You had no right!"
"I had every right," Gohei said, surprisingly calm, rising from his bed. "There is even a law, that any female ruler must find a husband within a certain time or be dethroned. And this husband may be found by someone else in the case that she refuses to search herself. It was originally written for widows, but I suppose it would stand for stubborn daughters as well."
"But you didn't even discuss it with me!"
"You seemed to get along with Soujirou; he seemed like the best choice. Would you rather I choose someone you hardly know from the crowd of old nobles in this land? You should be thanking me for being so kind."
"Kind!? I should be killing you," Kaoru said as she stormed towards him, hands fisted at her side. Her face was red and her eyes dark with rage. "I don't need a husband, Gohei – I guarantee that law is at least a hundred years old. Why can't everyone just let me be?"
"Because you insist on making a spectacle of yourself with that damn foreigner!" Gohei loomed over her, his calm demeanor gone. "I was doing what was best for my country. All you're doing with your foolish independence and disgusting generosity is tearing it apart! One of these days you'll have civil war on your hands and you'll be begging me to fix it for you. I won't let that happen to this land that I love – or to you. Believe it or not I care what happens to you."
"You care what happens to you. If I go down, they'll take my whole administration with me. Don't pretend to care, Gohei," Kaoru spat out. "I'll find a way to fight you on this."
"Soujirou will make a fine husband."
"For somebody else!"
Kaoru stormed out of the room, moving swiftly towards her room until she abruptly ran into someone's chest. "Oh, sorry," she bit out, before looking up…
Into angry violet eyes.
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Author's Notes: Hello everyone! Sorry once again for the long update - computer issues school time slipping away from me. Also, thank you so much to all those who have reviewed the last few chapters! Please keep letting me know what you think as the roller coaster continues. Gohei has overstepped his bounds and locked Kaoru into a difficult dilemma - and Kenshin is not happy about it. Next time, things heat up between our lovers, but is it for the better? Or the worse?
Next chapter:
"Why don't you love him?" Kenshin repeated, breaking apart her thoughts.
She looked him right in the eyes, in those oddly beautiful eyes…
"He isn't you," she whispered.
The opening line/chapter title is from Celine Dion's "I Hate You Then I Love You"
