Chapter 9

Maddy and Ashlynn made their way out of the building after Ashlynn had gathered her things. Maddy was squinting in the bright sunlight as she walked out of the school but she immediately noticed Mark standing by a tree waiting for her. She froze as she took him in, relieved and angry all at the same time. Ashlynn stood next to her, waiting to see how the situation would play out.

Mark smiled widely at the sight of her and walked quickly over, scooping her up in his arms before she could protest. She shrieked in response and he laughed, kissing her lightly on the cheek as he set her back down on the ground.

"I'm sorry I ran away Maddy," Mark said as his greenish eyes looked deep into hers. "I'm sorry I made you worry. I just needed some time to think. And… there's something we should probably talk about later."

Despite the fact that he didn't tell Wash what else happened the night before, he still felt strongly about telling Maddy. She looked at him questioningly but didn't ask about it because Ashlynn walked over.

"Maddy tells me that congratulations are in order!" Ashlynn smiled at Mark and he smiled back.

"Yes ma'am, thank you. "

"I don't know if you remember me, but I teach Zoe's class at school. Maddy helps in my classroom every afternoon."

Mark nodded and held out his hand. "Mark Reynolds. It's a pleasure to meet you."

She smiled and shook his hand. "Maddy, we can schedule our date for later. I think you probably need to catch up with your man here." She winked at her. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

Maddy nodded. "Okay. See you tomorrow."

As she disappeared back into the school building, Maddy turned to Mark. Her expression portrayed deep hurt. "Why did you leave? I was so worried about you!"

Mark sighed and took Maddy's hand, starting to walk down the path. "I just needed time to think Maddy. I'm sorry I didn't tell anyone and that I made you worry. But hey," he said, smiling at her, "Taylor changed my punishment!"

Maddy screwed her face up into a smile. "Really? Why?"

Laughing, Mark said, "Wash got to him."

"Wash?"

"Yeah, she came back from her OTG mission today and Taylor sent her looking for me. Well, she found me pretty quick and then managed to convince Taylor to lighten my load."

He proceeded to explain to her the terms of his punishment and she listened mostly in silence. When he had finished, Maddy smiled up at him. "That's great Mark. That will be much more doable right?"

He nodded and continued to walk.

"But, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Mark felt a surge of adrenaline in his body as he remembered what he had to tell Maddy. He knew he had to tell her quickly before he lost the nerve. Spotting a bench not too far away, he steered them towards it. It was mostly hidden in a grove of trees and off the main path so it was the ideal spot. As they sat down, Mark turned to Maddy, taking her hand.

"Maddy, I love you so much. Do you know that?"

Maddy frowned at him. "Of course I know that. Why?"

He sighed and tried to quell the energy coursing through his body. "Well, last night was really hard for me. I had just had a full day of manual labor, starting with a beating from Taylor, and I think everything was just catching up to me with the baby, and you, and the guilt I've been feeling. Taylor's punishment just kind of set me over the edge." He paused and scrubbed his face, releasing Maddy's hand. "These aren't excuses by the way; I just want you to try to understand where I was mentally."

Maddy nodded, a little frightened about what was coming next.

"I was angry. I left your house before I could do or say anything that I would regret and I'm glad I did. I was going to Taylor's office to meet him for combat training but I was stewing about everything that had happened, and I walked right past without even realizing. Once I figured that out, I turned back immediately but guess who saw me walking?"

Maddy frowned, thinking. She knew almost immediately. "Laura." It was a flat statement and she held her breath, waiting for him to continue.

He nodded. "Yeah… Well, I know you don't know her but she can be pretty pushy. And I don't just mean emotionally pushy, but physically too. I was such an idiot for even making out with her in the first place! She's not someone who's easy to get rid of." Taking a breath, he tried to calm his raw nerves. "Anyway, she ambushed me as usual and somehow we ended up kissing. And… she wasn't just kissing me, I… I was kissing her back."

He paused, wondering if Maddy was going to storm off but when she didn't move, he continued. "After a moment, I pushed her away hard and started to run. I knew I had to get out of there and I knew I had to think about some things pretty hard so, that's why I left, that's why I ran away. And Maddy," he said, turning to her, the pain evident in his voice, "I am so sorry I did that. It was so stupid. Laura is nothing compared to you. She's a winey, ridiculous, forward, inappropriate little girl and she doesn't hold a candle to you."

His intense green eyes looked at her dark ones with pleading in them. Maddy could tell he was being sincere but she couldn't understand why he'd done it. She couldn't imagine kissing anyone else, especially while she was with Mark. She felt tears coming again and turned her face away from Marks to look out at the flowers and foliage that surrounded them. A light breeze was playing through the trees and sunlight was making patterns on the ground as the holes in the leaves changed. Branches rustling, the warm breeze ran its gentle fingers over her skin and she pretended she was wrapped up in a blanket of wind, where no one could touch her or hurt her. Taking a deep breath, she tried to keep from crying, smelling the sweet purple flowers that graced the flower bed next to them.

Her 16-year-old mind tried to put his actions into perspective. How would her mother react if her father had kissed someone else? She didn't think it would be pretty. But, her mother would probably forgive him after a time and they would work through it. It would probably depend on the situation though. She thought about Mark and his feelings, about the things he had told her, about running away. Maddy wanted to run away sometimes, and she certainly felt angry sometimes but she couldn't imagine kissing someone else to try to make it better. On the other hand, she didn't have a really hot guy throwing himself at her. If that were the case, it would probably be considered sexual assault. She wondered briefly why that wasn't the case the other way around.

Thinking about it in that light, she understood a little better. It wasn't like he was seeking Laura out. She was seeking him out and she was finding him. It was hardly fair to Mark. Even so, that was no excuse for kissing her back. And why had he left her in the first place, all those months ago, and decided to hook up with Laura? Angry tears finally squeezed out of her eyes, her emotions spiraling out of control. Even if her mother and father could work out a similar situation, her and Mark's situation was different. They weren't married and Maddy didn't want to be hooked up with a guy who couldn't be faithful to her. That thought made more tears stream down her face as she thought about losing him again. She really did love him.

As she thought about what he'd done to her; leaving her, dating someone else, making out with Laura last night; her insides seemed to shrivel up. When thinking about having a baby with Mark in her life, she wasn't so scared. She knew her family was there for her; at least, everyone but Josh right now, and she knew Mark would be there for her too. She felt like she could face having a child because of all the people in her life supporting her. Without Mark, Maddy didn't quite know what would happen or what would become of her life. She knew she could do it, knew she would survive, but it scared her a lot more than she was willing to admit. She almost decided to forgive him right then and there, if only to keep him close to her for a while longer. But, her heart wouldn't let her. With her insides shriveling up and her esophagus squeezing shut, she turned to him.

His eyes were swimming with tears as he looked at her, his face a mask of pain.

"Mark," she said, barely able to talk. She sniffed loudly and tried to take a deep breath. It came out as more of a sob. He wisely kept his hands to himself. "Mark, I…" her throat was so thick, she couldn't relax enough to get the words out. It was like there was a ball in her throat that was keeping her vocal cords from vibrating. She took another halting breath and began to speak through her gasps. "Mark, I-I can't be with you-right now. I-I-I don't know-what to ex-expect from you! Be-for this happened, I-you were such a gent-lemen. And-and I never thought this- would happen. I never dreamed- you-you would k-k-kiss someone else. How can I trust- you? After every-thing that's happened?"

Tears were dripping off her chin, but she let them fall as she waited to see what Mark would say. He also had tears running down his face. He had never cried in front of her before. Only once had he gotten teary-eyed, and that was when he'd lost two friends: one to murder, and the other to banishment. He reached out to take her hand but she pulled it away.

"Maddy I-," his light eyes looked deep into her dark ones. She wondered briefly what color eyes their baby would have. "I don't want to lose you."

She swallowed hard. "I- I don't want to lose- you either. But, I can't- trust you right now. I need- time." She stood quickly before she could change her mind. He stood as well, his eyes pleading.

"Maddy, please!"

She shook her head, a little angry now. "No Mark, I need time. You- you should have thought of this before you decided to make out with Laura."

Turning away from him took all the will-power she possessed; his eyes were so pleading, so sad, and she felt and unexplainable connection to him. Turning away was one of the hardest things she ever had to do. She hoped it was the right decision.

OOOOO

Half hour later, Maddy found herself on Ashlynn's door step. She wasn't home, so she sat on their porch swing, hidden from the main road by bushes and hanging pots. There, she cried hard, attempting to muffle her sobs. She felt like she'd done the right thing but it felt so wrong inside. It hurt so badly to cut ties with him, even if it was only temporary, and even if he had made out with someone else. It hurt her badly knowing that he had made out with Laura. She wondered briefly if he wouldn't have done it if she'd been willing to make out with him. She heard her father's stern, strong voice in her head: 'Maddy, if a boy ever threatens to break up with you because you won't be physical with him, you let 'im, understand me? If a boy loves you, they'll wait until you're ready, no matter what.' She smiled at the memory, knowing he was right. So then, why wouldn't Mark wait?

This got her crying all over again and it was some time before she finally calmed down. After a little while, Ashlynn finally came home and Maddy was glad it was her and not her husband. Coming up the path to her house, Ashlynn noticed Maddy and frowned, immediately walking towards her.

"Maddy?" she asked cautiously, as she walked closer. She noticed her puffy eyes and reddened face, realizing at once that something had happened. "Maddy!" She exclaimed as she sat down next to her and wrapped her in a tight hug. Maddy felt hot tears squeeze out of her eyes again but it was like her body had produced all the tears it could and no more would come out. After a moment, Ashlynn pulled away.

"What happened?" She exclaimed. Maddy sighed, her face tired and sad.

"Do you promise not to tell anyone?"

Ashlynn's clear blue eyes met hers. "If it's no harm to keep the secret, then I absolutely promise not to tell anyone."

Maddy considered for a moment. Ashlynn may very well consider her story to be a harm but she really didn't care at this point. "Mark made out with someone else."

Ashlynn's face seemed unable to decide what it should do but in the end, she frowned deeply. "With who? Why? When?"

Maddy shrugged, her puffy eyes burning. "I don't know why, but I feel like I'm not good enough for him. And it was last night, with one of the other soldiers. A girl," she hastily clarified. She didn't need this getting even more confused.

Ashlynn's frown deepened. "When did this start?"

With Ashlynn's soft blue eyes coaxing her, she spilled the whole story about the break up, his hook up, and Laura's subsequent "Mark attacks." When she had finished, Ashlynn was silent for a moment.

"Well Maddy, I think you did the right thing, even though it was hard." Her small smile revealed a dimple on the side of her face. Maddy nodded.

"I know. I just don't know what to do about it now."

Ashlynn grimaced and her lips formed a thin line. "I don't know if there's anything you can do. You could go to Taylor or Lieutenant Washington and tell them about the situation, but then that's taking that responsibility away from Mark. If he really wants to fix this, he's going to get help dealing with Laura. To do that, he's going to face the wrath of them both, which will not be pretty, but he'll do it if he wants you back." She smiled a little. "Normally, I would say go after the people you love with a passion but in this case, I think you need to give Mark a little time to figure out for himself what he wants. He may even already know what he wants. I know waiting is the hardest thing to do, but it's probably the best thing in this situation."

Maddy nodded, hating that answer but knowing it was probably true. Ashlynn smiled.

"Look, why don't you go inside and wash up and you can stay for dinner. Hopefully by then your face will be back to normal and you won't have to tell your parents if you don't want to." Ashlynn fixed her with a look. "But, it might be better to at least tell your mom. Keeping secrets always comes back to haunt you."

Maddy nodded but had no intention of tell her mother. This was one secret that was better kept.

OOOOO

After Maddy left him, Mark sat in the grove of trees until darkness fell. The night bugs came out, filling the darkness with razor sounds. Finally realizing how dark it had become, he made his way home, walking slowly towards his house. Approaching from the back, he saw one of his roommates, Trevor Markum, sitting on the back porch, embroidering a piece of cloth. Mark couldn't help but laugh lightly.

Trevor loved embroidery, and he was man enough to be okay with it too. When he'd first arrived, the guys had made terrible fun of him but, after a while it became obvious that he was just as tough and just as testosterone filled as the rest of them. They laid off after a particularly nasty run-in with a carno that left him the savior of their unit. He looked up as he heard Mark approaching.

"Hey," he greeted him. Mark raised his eyebrows in hello and looked down at his work. He had to hand it to him, he was damn good. This one was of a dragon, half finished, mostly red and gold, with scales and claws.

"Dyed the thread with some roots I found OTG last week. Came out just about the color I wanted." His brown eyes were steady on the needle, carefully stitching the pattern. Mark sat down heavily beside him, the chair groaning in protest. Trevor glanced at him.

"What's up?"

Mark shrugged. "What's not up?"

Trevor moved his face in agreement and looked down at his embroidery again. Mark sighed.

"I think Maddy just broke up with me."

Trevor's head swung up quickly and his soft brown eyes looked at him in surprise. "She broke up with you?"

Mark looked away and laughed a little hysterically. "Yeah, she's carrying my child but I still can't seem to hold onto her." He dropped his head into his hands, covering his eyes.

"Well, you know M," Trevor said after a moment, "women don't tend to like it when you make-out with other people."

Mark raised his head slowly and looked at him. "How did you know?"

Trevor shrugged, "I was on a late night stroll. Couldn't help but notice a couple making-out. A moment later, you bolted past." He paused as Mark let out a sigh. If Trevor had seen him, anyone could have. "So," he continued, "what's up with that anyway?"

Mark scrubbed his face with his hands, thinking about the question. What was up with that anyway? What had he been thinking? He hadn't, and that was the problem. And now he was losing Maddy because of it.

Mark shook his head. "I don't know. She came on to me and I let myself be seduced."

Trevor looked at him disbelievingly. "Mark, Master of Motivation, King of Kourtesy, Ruler of Restraint?" He paused for a moment.

"You know courtesy begins with a C right?" Mark said.

Trevor looked at him patiently, ignoring his comment. "The Mark I know has more will-power than this. What happened to him?"

Mark, flustered and annoyed, stood up and off the short porch step, beginning to pace in the glowing light from the house. Trevor backed off, relaxing in his chair and getting back to his embroidery. Mark continued to pace.

Everything Trevor had said was right, but it made Mark mad. Who was Trevor to tell him what to do? He was only three years older but he always acted like he was forty. It annoyed him to no end some times. But that's not why he was really mad. Why was he mad anyway? He was angry that Maddy had broken up with him, he was angry about the situation, he was angry at Laura for messing up his whole damn life. And where had his will-power gone? He used to have it in spades. Now, it seemed to be in short supply. He used to be able to refuse a ridiculous chick like Laura any day, and now?

"Laura's messed up my whole life," he muttered.

"Hm?" Trevor asked.

"I said, Laura's messed up my whole life." He said it maybe a little too loudly and the skin around Trevor's eyes tightened. He hated raised voices.

"On no, Mark, Laura didn't mess up your life, you did that all by yourself."

Mark's green eyes spit fire in Trevor's direction. He thought about hitting him, but stopped himself. Trevor was one of his best friends. It wouldn't gain him anything to burn those bridges too. Mark sighed, looking away and continued to pace. It was about twenty minutes later when he finally sat back down in the chair.

"You're right," Mark said quietly, "about everything. I did mess up my own life. And I don't know what happened to my self-control. I used to have it in spades and now, it seems to come and go."

Trevor put down the piece of cloth and turned to him, listening.

"The only problem is, I don't know how to get it back. And I don't know why it went missing in the first place."

They were silent for a long moment, Trevor waiting to see if he said anything more. When he didn't, he took a breath.

"You know M, I'm no shrink but it seems to me you don't know what you want. Seems to me you haven't known that since you had sex with Maddy."

Mark nodded slowly, looking at the dirt just past their porch, bathed in the soft glow from the house. He was right; he didn't know what he wanted.

"Seems to me," Trevor continued, "you can't decide if you want Maddy or Laura, if you want both, which you can't have by the way, if you want to be a Daddy, if you want to be a husband, or if you just plain want to run away and screw it all."

A smile tugged at Mark's mouth at that, but it quickly faded. He did feel like that. He had felt like that yesterday. He thought about Wash and the story she'd told him. He felt like he'd taken advantage of her trust. He felt bad that she'd stuck up for him in front of Taylor when she didn't know the whole story.

He turned to Trevor. "But how do I figure out what I want?"

Trevor shrugged. "There's not one way but trial and error hasn't been workin' very well for you." He smiled and Mark smiled a little too. "You know," Trevor continued, "my Grandma used to say…" Mark almost groaned at their inside joke and Trevor's eyes danced a little as they connected with Mark's.

"I'll have you know, my Grandma really did use to say this. She said, 'you got lots of choices in life boy, an you can't have all of 'em cause some choices cancel each other out like magnets. Well, so,' she would say, 'you gotta choose the ones you can't live without and then you gotta stick to 'em, cause you may not wanna stick to 'em all the time, but in the end, you'll be glad you did.'" Trevor smiled at the memory and then looked over at Mark again. He nodded.

"So your grandma would say that I need to decide what I want and then stick to it, make a commitment no matter what."

Trevor inclined his head to the side in agreement. Mark sighed. "Well, I know I want Maddy, that's for sure. I just think I may be too late."

Trevor shook his head, leaning back in his chair. "Naw. Maddy's having your baby. She wants you in her life as much as you want her in yours. But she wants to be safe too. She wants to know she can trust you, and right now…" He flashed him a smile. "Even I don't trust you."

Mark laughed through his nose. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"What do good friends do?" Trevor asked, "Slap you in the face when you need it."

Mark nodded. "Right."

"Okay," Trevor said as he stood, his embroidery in hand. "Well, I'm callin' it a night. Got the 4 AM shift tomorrow. But M, if you need to talk, you just wake me up, deal?"

Mark nodded, raising his eyebrows.

"And maybe we'll switch shifts later as payment for loss of sleep."

Mark rolled his eyes at him as he made his way inside, the screen door slamming behind him. His other roommate, Dirk, came out a moment later, asking if he was interested in playing some cards. Mark agreed and made his way inside, the warm light enveloping him. He'd pursue serious thoughts another time. Another time soon, he promised himself. For now, he was just glad he was home and not training with Taylor.