A/n: Still, I haven't updated my story... sadness right now I'm broke and I can't even visit an internet café to grab a computer and upload four chapters of this fic! That's why every time I update this story, I instantly upload 2-3 or maybe even four chapters. And after that, I don't even get nice reviews..! GRRRR...Please review my fic, ok? Don't just read it and enjoy yourselves. Give me a review! Anyway, how's my story going..? is it nice or ok or somethin'?
Disclaimer: You win. surrenders and puts hands in the air then walks out
Loving a Ghost
By: Killua K.
Chapter 9: Reflections
------ HEY! I might NOT tell this whole chappie on Misao's POV only, ok? There may be different POVs so just watch out! Ah- I mean READ out! Hehehe...and this might be short, too...
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Then I disappeared from his sight. I was still there in his room; however, I became invisible again.
Suddenly, he got off from his bed then rushed to the veranda. He didn't see a thing. Then he went back to his room, turned around and tried to look for me.
I floated in the air and hugged myself.
"MISAAAOOOO!" he shouted loudly. I pretended that I didn't hear him.
"DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!" he added.
I still pretended that I didn't hear him.
Then when I peeped from my arms, I saw him.
For the first time, Aoshi Shinomori cried like a child...
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I don't really know why I'm so bitter to everyone.
I don't know why I hate my father so much. I remembered what happened yesterday. I just felt my hot blood rushed into my veins- adrenaline filled my whole body and then...and t-then I just erupted like a volcano.
Sometimes I just want to change, like what Misao wants me to be. However, it's as if the people around me judge my every move. I want to be a good person but if I try to be one, they'd quickly say that I was just a damn hypocrite and fool- that I was fake.
I know that sometimes I am evil.
But I have a good side.
People just don't see it because they won't be patient enough to wait and see my true self.
But I know a person who has waited enough and has seen my good side.
And of all people, it has to be her.
Misao Makimachi...
The day when we first met each other, I thought she was the most irritating woman of all. But when I danced with her that night, I found her so sexy- and beautiful. I wasn't attracted to her at all, I mean e-even n-now...Well, I-I d-don't have any feelings for her, NO!
Well...I could not say.
She's right.
I don't know how to love.
I saved her that time (chandelier incident- Chapter 1, guyz...). I didn't know why I did that. I could've easily ignored her and run for my own life. But until now, I don't know the reason why I even spent some seconds just to pull her from our place and almost dived.
The next day, she went to my room and thanked me for what I've done. I was bitter to her again. But I was glad that someone thanked me for what I have done. It was the very first time someone dared to come to me and thank me with all her heart. I thought she was afraid of me. But, no...she isn't. She was that brave to face me.
And now, we've changed roles. She's my savior and I am the innocent victim.
If she were as evil as I, she could have just let me shoot myself by that gun.
But she appeared in my sight and I was so frightened that I turned my gun to her and shot her. The bullet just passed through her and for a moment, she was slumped to me- her eyes closed.
I thought I killed her.
When she opened her eyes that time, I knew something was wrong.
I tried to shoot her again but my gun just ran out of bullets.
Then she told me she's a ghost.
I was disappointed at what I heard. I didn't believe her at first. But when she slapped me that time and her hand just passed through my face, she has proven her part.
And for the first time, I felt so alone.
Why must she even die?
She doesn't deserve to die. And also...
I'm so sad that she's like this.
Or maybe-
I'm sad for myself.
She was the only person who believed that I had a good side. But Kami-sama took her from me. Now, no one knows the truth...the truth that I can change my bad image and clean my old ways.
I can change.
But my society won't give me a chance.
I am well known for this stigma.
And no one is ready to accept the changed me if ever I'll change.
I just hope I could live in a different world- where everyone is a stranger to me and they don't even know a thing about my personality. Maybe there, I can start a new life.
But it will never happen.
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I was hurt at what he told me yesterday.
I could not believe that all along he thought I can become a human and satisfy his carnal hunger. Am I really nothing to him? That I really have no effect on him?
I thought I was on the right track of changing him. I thought that after a few more days, I can ascend into heaven and permanently stay there. But I think I will still stay here on earth for years. An evil man like Aoshi is very hard to change. St. Peter was right. He is tough and he really has a stone heart. It's my mission to melt it and make him feel things again, but I think I'm making it worse.
And now, I just feel so hopeless in changing him.
Would I really make a difference in his life?
Or would I just be a plain waste of time..?
Most of the time, I just think that 'What if I hadn't died on the day of my wedding?' Maybe, my life would have been better that way.
My life is with Seta Soujiro.
My life is spending time with him, the most important man in my life.
But now I'm dead, turned into a wandering spirit-
I've forgotten the true meaning of life.
And that is because, I've lost the reason to live in this world.
When I died and first entered heaven, I thought I was going to live there permanently and be happy forever, unable to feel sadness and pain. But I was wrong, was perfectly mistaken when I've known that I cannot stay there forever unless I haven't finished my mission on earth. So, I went back to earth and started my mission, not knowing and realizing its extreme difficulty.
Shinomori Aoshi...
He's the first and most evil man I've ever met in my whole life.
I thought he had a good side.
But just like in movies and fables-
He's just a fox dressed in a cat's skin, deceiving a foolish ghost like me.
I have no idea how to melt his frozen heart.
I have no idea how to let him feel how to love.
Sometimes I think it's also my fault why he's not changing.
I'm too drowned in my own worries and sadness that I cannot even see and pay attention to his problems.
But is he that insensitive?
Doesn't he even realize that I have just died and left my dear husband alone in this world and this so early?
Is he that selfish to ignore me and my situation?
Is he that numb to not even feel that I'm suffering badly because I cannot even show myself to Soujiro and tell him that I love him so much even for the last time?
I want to finish this stupid mission and permanently stay in heaven.
Because in heaven...
You cannot feel sadness or pain.
It's just plain happiness.
Perfect happiness that when there are times that you want to cry, you cannot even shed a tear.
They say...
Crying in heaven is a crime.
If it really is...
Then I'm a criminal.
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Many months have already passed since her death and yet, I cannot overcome it, cannot move on even a bit.
I waited for her...
Waited for her to come back to me...
But fool me-
A dead person cannot be alive again.
No...
My Misao will never be alive again.
And no one in this world could ever replace my dear wife.
Kaoru-chan, my cousin, on the other hand advised me to just move on and forget about a dead person. She said she knew what I was exactly feeling- to lose someone you love. And she doesn't want me to feel that pain forever. She told me that finding another woman who could replace Misao in my heart would be the best way to escape the excruciating pain that I am experiencing at the moment. But no...
I could never betray my own heart.
I could never love anyone again.
Not unless...
She's Misao.
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You know what, Mi-chan? You're so darn DUMB!
I hate you so much!
I thought you were my best friend..?
You even told me we're going to be together forever.
You said you won't ever leave me. But look who broke that promise?
Who left whom?
We were all waiting for you at the church that time. When I arrived there, I was really worried why 30 minutes has already passed and yet you weren't there, that maybe you were trapped in the traffic or whatsoever but...
It was far more than I expected.
You know what..?
You're the most selfish person I've ever met in my life!
Why did you just suddenly leave us!
What in the world went into your mind and made you decide to just quit living your happy life here with us and just go straight to heaven?
Was it because you already want to feel eternal happiness?
Were you afraid that maybe my cousin Soujiro isn't the right man for you..?
I can't understand you, Misao...
Why did you even have to die on the day of your marriage..?
...on the day that you, my best friend, will become my relative..?
I don't understand why you even have to leave your family here.
We're suffering, know that?
I just wish I could die now and see you again, obtain the answers for my questions.
Do you know that Soujiro is feeling thrice what I'm feeling right now?
He's so miserable right now.
And I pity him so much because no one cannot comfort him.
Oh, Misao...
There's no other girl who can replace you in his heart.
And even though I suggested him to move on, forget about you and live a normal life, he just simply shook his head sadly and turned down my offer. Do you know what he told me?
Soujiro said that...
His normal life is with you.
And now that you're gone...
Well, everything will just be abnormal.
He said he just has to cope with it.
My dear friend...
I hate you because you're making all of us suffer. Since you've left this world, our world stopped spinning too.
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A/n: Yeah, I know, it was boring, right? But I just felt that I had to give justice to their thoughts, you know! Well, it's been a long time now. Please review this short chapter..!
