Trigger Warning: there is rape in this chapter.

Chapter Seven: Wow, I just made a chapter in my own life.

We make it to the outside of the city, it is beautiful and breathtaking. The most extraordinary piece of architecture I have ever seen. Seeing Imladris, or even Mordor right now would be a dream. I am so hungry for adventure. We make our way to the stables.

As Thranduil helps me off of the horse, "Lady Ithilwen, I am glad you are well." Manwë says with a smile. "I will grab my herbs from the healing hall and bring them to you."

"I would not say that exactly, but I soon will be." I say stumbling over my words trying not to sound Southern or shorten them. Manwë and the stable hand leaves me and Thranduil alone.

He places his hand on my arm, and I look up. "Please tell me what it is. I will help you."

Just as if the atmosphere would just disappear and the waters would spill out over the earth into space, his barrier did just that. I have everything that makes him, him. I could ask him for anything, even everything and I am sure I would get it and more. I let the moment pass. I feel safe with him, just as I feel with Brín.

"I don't.. do not know what has been going on with me. I am at a loss for answers. I have forgotten so much, as if I were not me at all. I remember very little. Will you help me remember?"

"Yes, anything that you ask of me, I will do." He smiles at me before he lends down to kiss my forehead.

What do I ask of him? I want to ask him so many things. I am so overwhelmed with it all. "My Lord?" He pulls back to see my face. "At this moment, I ask that you will hold me." I want Brín to hold me. I need him to make me feel safe, for nothing is safe anymore.

He takes my hand and leads me through this tunnel to a flight of stairs. Beautiful cast-iron spiral stairs that are so intricate with leaves and vines. We climb so many stairs. More than I could at the gym on the stair climbers. He opens a door to his bedchambers and a fire is already lit. To me, it seems it is their time of fall. It is more lovely than I could have ever imagined. His bed is just as I described it, with a lovely green comforter on it. There is a black bear rug on the floor in front of the fire, which always felt odd to me. You can't really walk on them because they get dirty, so why have them at all? The mantle about the fire place is lovely with yet again leaves. That makes me smile.

"Do you not have enough leaves in the forest?" I ask starting to laugh.

"It is not as though you have never seen my bedchambers. You have never said anything before." He looks at me as if the comment does not faze him. I don't respond. I allow him to pull me into an embrace. And I felt as if he were Brín for a moment.

Speaking into his chest, "I am sorry. I am sorry honey."

"Honey?" He pulls back with a half smile on his face. "That is an odd term of endearment. Why honey?"

But it is not him, and I don't know what to say. My face turns red with embarrassment. "Honey. I. Um. I need you like I need the honey in my tea." I force out. I smile at him trying to make the situation light.

"That is odd, but lovely all the same. Ithilwen, do not be sorry when it is something that causes you such distress."

"What was I saying before I left the city?" I ask as I sit down on the small couch that is situated in front of the fire, trying not to move my wrist. It hurts so much, I AM GOING TO DIE!

"You were seeing things according to Tauriel and you were unsure what was real. She said that you pushed her on the floor when she was trying to console you. You told her that she was not real, that nothing was and you believed you were not real either. She was so worried for you, and nothing she could say would help. You were yelling at everyone. Telling them they were not real. Do you know why you felt this way?" He sighs then takes my hand.

"Simply My Lord, I have not slept in days." I say hushed. "Could you send for Tauriel so that I may see her. I feel terrible even if I do not remember what I did."

"Yes, of course. Miluiel!" He raises his voice so she could hear.

"Yes, My Lord?"

He turns to see her. "Send for Tauriel."

"Yes, My Lord," she says as she curtseys and walks out.

Only moments later does Tauriel walk in. She is so beautiful, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen who is not a goddess. She is so breathtaking that I forget to breathe. Her auburn hair dresses her shoulders, as if she had just brushed it. She is in her uniform which hides what little curves she has. Her skin is so fare with no blemishes or signs of ageing. She is absolutely the embodiment of perfection. She turns to see me, "Ithilwen!" Running right over to me, she does not acknowledge Thranduil. She sits on her knees in front of me.

"Are you well? What can I do?" She sounds worried, grabbing my hands causing me to wince at the pain. "Oh, love." Looking down at my wrist, she can see the bruising and swelling. She runs her hand lightly over it causing warmth to permeate through it. Beautiful whispers escape her lips as if the words she speaks was the magic of the universe flowing through every thing that is us. When she pulls her hand away, it is completely healed. My pain is gone! This is so amazing. I would be a great nurse if I could do this with my patients.

Turning her attention back to me, "yes Tauriel, I do not remember what happened today or rather any of the past week." I force a smile.

"Where did you find her?" She turns to Thranduil.

I hear his thought, the disrespect she shows me.

"I was near the border of the forest." I look into her eyes. I think, you need to acknowledge him.

"Oh, My Lord, I am truly sorry." She says as she looks at him.

Well I guess that is how that works. Intention.

"She is very fragile. She does not seem to be herself. When some heathens attacked us in the forest, she hid behind a tree. She killed one of them and well, she had the reaction that many have on their first kill, she could not breathe." He sounds so confused, but calm.

"Ithilwen?" She asks as she runs the back of her fingers along my cheek. I grab her hand to examine it. I'm not sure why, but I seem to know this touch, as if I always have. Her hands are small and slender.

"Did I do that?" I feel so sad that I would have pushed her and yelled at her. She seems to have cuts on her palm and forearm. When I kiss them and wish for them to heal, my lips grow warm. I pull back and they are gone, just as if the skin had never been damaged at all.

"It is alright. You were not thinking straight." I trace the lines in her hands taking note of every detail. I remember doing this so many times before, but I have never done this. I have her brain, maybe this can happen.

"I must ask your forgiveness. Never again, I swear." My heart hurts that I did this to her, or what Ithilwen did. Ithilwen scared her and worse hurt her heart. I can feel it from her like I am taking in her energy.

"Ithilwen, do not be concerned, I am alright. You did nothing wrong, so there is no need for forgiveness." I can feel love from her as she squeezes my hand. I give her a look of seriousness. "Then you are forgiven love." She stops short and her face is red with embarrassment.

"All is well Tauriel." He says in the softest tone. "She is back with us. But I do fear, that there is some outside influence at work. She mentioned magic when I saw her fall from a white light. Now she can not remember the last week or even details of her own life."

Tauriel loses what barrier she had on her emotions and tears form in her eyes. What if she forgot me? I hear her thought. "I have not forgotten you. How can anyone forget you Tauriel." I smile down at her since she is still on her knees. Maybe I do not remember her when it comes to specific memories, but my heart remembers which is enough.

"Thank you. Just be here for me. I need that right now." She smiles up at me. I then notice she is still on the floor. Tugging her up slightly, "sit," I say as I look at the spot to the left of me. I touch her thigh as if it was natural. Noticing what I had done, I jerk my hand away.

Stop this right now, you know none of these people! I get this flashback where it is with me, uh Ithilwen. She rubbed her leg, closing the gap between them. Ithilwen sits on Tauriel's lap claiming her neck. I feel a flutter in my belly. Closing my eyes, I seem to be there. I am taking off her night gown, watching every movement her body makes. Claiming her lips with mine, feeling the sensation of her lips, I am doing this, but it is not me. I can taste her kiss, she tastes like sweet red wine. I kiss down her body until I get to her legs. Placing my hands under her thighs gently pulling her lower half closer to me, I take in everything. How she feels as I run my finger tips along her hip bone. The smell of her even intoxicates me. I finally taste her and my breath catches.

Tauriel touches my arm and I open my eyes to see her staring at me. I feel my face and ears flush. Tauriel stands, "Ithiwlen, My Lord, I will take my leave." Before I can protest, she walks out of the bedroom.

I turn to Thranduil still feeling embarrassment. "My Lord?"

"Yes, Ithilwen?" He asks with a bit of humour. Which makes my let out a short laugh.

"I am sorry that was disrespectful." I say calm.

"Did you remember something?" He turns his head anticipating my words.

"Yes I did." I smile.

He grabs my wrist and lightly drags me across the couch. "Maybe you can remember something else." That lovely sly smile appears on his face. I want him.

When he kisses me I begin to feel a flutter in my belly settling down low. I then pull back as I feel anxiety grow inside me. I do not wish to cheat on Brín, I love him. Thoughts fly around in my head, this has to stop, I jumped off that cliff, I want to die. I can't handle this. I'M NOT GONNA. With a nervous voice, "I. I need to go." I jerk away from his embrace.

I run from his chambers out to the corridor. I don't know this corridor but I do? I have to lie down; I need to sleep. Walking the halls for what seems like hours I realise that not having a watch or a phone makes is very hard to tell time. I can't find my chambers. Well I truly have no idea where they are, nor do I know this city at all. Running my hand along the walls, they are cold with the sadness of times past, terrible times when there was darkness. I can hear the city weeping. The archways are so beautiful being so full of art. Many of the doorways have carvings of images from past battles, with many symbols in elvish above them. I hear nothing but the sounds of whispers through the halls from the wind.

I step to the edge of the wall, with it having columns so I can see out. Much like windows, but they seem to bring a calming feeling somehow. I can see the tree tops as it is getting colder and the leaves are changing. Their fall is so lovely being within the forest. Oh. I wish Brín was here to share this moment with me. I have not felt this still in weeks from the mania. Feeling a sense of joy as the sun goes behind the trees, it brings a feeling to me that I have never felt in my life. Everyone seems to radiate happiness that is around me. I could even feel what Thranduil was feeling. I know it is a gift, well one I gave Ithilwen.

I could die right here, right now and die happy and peaceful. The wind kisses my face as if to tell me I am finally home. I can't believe Mother Bridgit is truly real and she loves me enough to make this real. Even after I no longer believed, she still loves me. Thank you Bridgit. I wonder when I will meet Morrighan. Maybe in battle? It would be very fitting and romanticised.

I am brought out of my thoughts with a touch on the small of my back. I jump as I am startled and turn to see Tauriel. As I lay my hand on one of the columns to hold myself up she speaks. "Ithilwen, I am very sorry I startled you. You always know it is me." She smiles, and my heart begins to beat faster when I feel the emotion that flows from her in a rapid tidal wave. Her love for me, um well, for Ithilwen is boundless. She is so beautiful. Her auburn hair waves slightly from the wind blowing through it. I allow my eyes to slowly move up her body taking in every fibre of her being. So pale, so beautiful. I watch as her chest rises and falls, as if I were taking her vitals. Taking in her neck that is so slender, I have the urge to kiss it. Instead I reach out and run my finger tips along the exposed area. Bumps rise as my touch causes her to shiver. When her breath catches, she pulls my hand away. I don't know why I did that. Yes I do. I, I think. I want to touch her. My body responds to her as if I were Ithilwen.

I am brought back to René Descarte's beliefs. I think, therefore I am. He said the mind is separate from the body. Maybe it is? Maybe because the pathways in her brain that are there from her memories and concepts allow me to remember and feel as she does. Which means consciousness only shares this body. Plausible? My head starts to ache. I JUST DON'T KNOW!

I bring my attention to her face. Yet again, I have an urge to touch her. I give into my body's plea. Running my finger tips along her jaw line, causes her eyes to close with a quiet moan. Paying attention to every detail of her responses, her lovely green eyes are hidden away from me. I feel myself almost beg to see them again. As I trace the patterns of her cheek bones to the point of her ears rubbing the tip between my forefinger and thumb, her eyes flutter open jerking away from me.

"Ithilwen!" She says forceful and breathless.

I feel my cheeks flush, as I realise what I had just done. It was like a natural response, as if my body just knew what to do.

"Not here. But I tell you now that you need to get rest. You have not slept in days. You lost your senses and I do not know how to help you." Tears form in her eyes.

Her eyes seem so sad now. I reach up to the torch on column running my hand above it to light it. Her eyes glimmer in the fire light. Looking within them, I find flakes of silver mixed with the green of her iris. Wishing to see her eyes response to my touch I place my hand on the small of her back pulling her closer. She looks at me with anxiety, then as I hold her just a moment longer, they seem to soften. Her pupils begin to palpate as she awaits my next move. I run my hand along her side and rest it onto her stomach. Her eyes widen and I can see everything that is her. She now has come undone for me. My heart loves this woman, in the same way that I love Brín, but I fear that Ithilwen may love her more.

I look around and see no one and place my lips on hers in the lightest or touches. When she does not protest, I deepen the kiss. Watching her eyes intently seeing the sliver in her irises grow brighter; I fall in love with them as she allows me to see into her soul. Once I hear laugher I pull away. Two women pass in the hallway acknowledging us.

I realise what I had done, "Tauriel, please forgive me. I am sorry. It was too public. I."

She stops me short, "Ithilwen, you are acting very odd."

I show her a sad look. "You don't like what I just did?"

"I do, I just. I do not know. You do not feel like Ithilwen." She places her hand over mine stepping closer.

"Your gonna have to like the new Ithilwen." OH MY GOD! I think I'm still high. For the first time, I truly want to try to be her. To be Katheryn in Mirkwood, who looks so beautiful and perfect. With abilities such as singing that I have always wanted.

She raises an eyebrow. "Gonna? You have never said such a thing. I assume it means going to. You only bring words together when you are drinking." She smiles and softly laughs at me. "Tell me what happened earlier please."

I remember her saying that I was with her. "I had acute psychosis." Oh they don't know that word. Damnit. She just looks at me.

I hear her thought, "What does that mean? Elaborate Ithilwen."

"Psychosis is like, well it is when you do not know what is happening. You may not know what is reality. I touched you and it did not feel real. I was seeing things and hearing voices from people who were not there." I felt this before I was about to jump. "I was feeling as if someone kept touching me but I was alone. When I was with you, I felt this too, but you were not touching me. I just. I could not. Tauriel, simply I could not tell the difference between what was real, and what was not." I say this as if I were truly there.

Tears fall from her eyes. I feel as though all the happiness is gone from the world, seeing her cry as she is. She draws me into a hug and holds Ithilwen with tenderness and concern. "I am sorry my love. Let me do something. That sounds like torture with no end," she whispers.

I allow tears to fall from my face. I am myself with her, I am Katheryn. "It is beyond the essence of turmoil. And the chaos within my mind is unbearable. I tried to end it. Tauriel that is where I went." I wish I was saying these things to Brín. I need him right now. I need his arms wrapped around me, protecting me from all the evil in the world. He is my impenetrable shield but I settle for Tauriel. Somehow with her love, it is enough. I begin to cry now, not knowing what to do. I feel my knees grow weak.

"Tauriel, take me to my chambers. I need to lie down."

"Very well." She walks me to my chambers knowing all the while that I was following her. Seems that some memories I do not? Don't? Do not. I sigh, do not have. I remember this hall I think to myself. "You should, it is the one you stay in." She giggles, then shows a look of concern on her face.

She stops at a door I do not remember. I turn the handle with hesitation, as I walk in I see my, Ithilwen's bed, it is just a plain canopy. I did not think that her room would be this small, or boring. It needs pictures on the walls and tapestries, so much empty space. On my, her desk in the corner by the fireplace, has a book on it. I turn to see Tauriel closing the door. She unties my dress sliding it down my arms to my waist. I can't believe they don't wear bras. I wrote in that they had corsets, so where are they? She slowly brings it over my hips; it falls to the floor pooling around my feet with a heavy drop. I AM NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR. She walks over to the chair at the desk pulling off a nightgown. She helps me put it on.

"Tauriel, will you stay with me tonight? I don't. I do not wish to sleep alone." I have got to stop using contractions. Maybe I will keep gonna! I let out a short laugh.

"What is it?"

"Nothing. Will you?" I look at her pleading with my eyes.

"Yes, love." She grabs my hand in the gentlest manner, as if she had never grabbed it at all.

"You can not wear that Tauriel. My dress was very uncomfortable, I can only imagine how that uniform feels."

"Well Ithilwen, I must say that it is not the most comfortable but it serves its purpose." She looks at me in annoyance with a hint of humour. "But you already know this. You wear this nearly everyday."

"Of course." I shake my head trying to make the embarrassment leave me. She lights the fire, then she walks over to the armoire and takes out a nightgown. This one is not green like the one I am wearing, it is a lovely black colour. A shiny material. She begins to undress first taking off her, I guess that would be something like a jacket. Layer by layer I watch her movements intently. Under her long shirt is a shirt sort of like a tank top resembling one with a bra built in to hold her breasts in place. Sliding off her leggings, I can see how flawless her body is. While she is taking off her undershirt, her breasts fall out from underneath with a slight motion. They may be small at a size B, but they are beautiful all the same.

She is now standing in front of me clad in nothing but the essence of her raw beauty. I feel my body grow flush from arousal. I wish to touch her, I want to hold her and love her. Ithilwen truly had a hard time choosing between a king that was her first love, and the embodiment of perfection.

Something came over me, as if it was an innate drive from within. This woman is making me feel things I have never felt. Whether it is because this is Ithilwen's body or I have never found the right woman, but it is there all the same. I take the nightgown from her hands and discard it to the floor. She looks at me with confusion. I pull her close by placing my hand on the small of her back. Her breath catches and she tries to grab my writs. I lead a trail of kisses down her neck to her collarbones. Immediately, I kiss down her stomach, resting on my knees, stoping at her belly button. I know that the hygiene in this time is not the greatest, but she is clean as if she just bathed. I begin to lick all of her exposed skin tasting her. She lets out a moan that causes bumps to rise on my skin.

I spin her around paying attention to her backside. It may not be very big, but it is still truly lovely. I first kiss her there slowly turning them into nibbles trailing them down her thigh. I bit down hard causing her to cry out in pain.

"Ithilwen!" She breaths out. I let out a giggle and continue kissing her.

I bring myself to a stand leading her to my, well Ithilwen's bed. Laying her down, I take my place between her legs. Her smell is intoxicating, just as if I had drank a whole bottle of wine. I lean back on my knees taking in all of her.

She looks like Evangeline Lily, but she does not feel the same. In the movie she made me feel a certain way, but this woman in front of me is nothing of the sort. She is her own person. Having subtle differences which I can only see now. She is taller than the actress. I know that elves are supposed to look as though they never age, but when this woman smiles, small wrinkles form in the corners of her eyes and mouth. So very, so. She is just so hard to describe. Just utterly perfect. Her skin is as porcelain that can be easily cracked.

She grabs my wrist drawing my attention to her eyes. I see the green flickering in the fire light. She slides back rising from the bed. Walking over to the desk, she pulls out a drawer, showing me a small pouch. Looking at me for approval, I shake my head yes, not knowing what is in it. Pulling out leaves, she eats two, while giving me two. I smile at her knowing what this will do. Tasting the leaves causes me to look around for something else to get the taste out of my mouth. I point at the wine bottle on the nightstand. She hands me a glass and I wince at how strong the wine is. She does the same before reclaiming her position under me. I claim her lips.

"Katheryn!" I hear from behind me. "Katheryn, she is mine!" A woman's voice. My voice! I walk over to the desk and I can see me looking at me in the book. It is mine and Brín's bedroom. "You stop this right now. Tauriel is mine, and YOU KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF HER!"

"Tauriel come here." I say not looking away from the book. She whines in protest. "Come here." She grunts with disapproval as she gets up. She wraps her arms around me. We are both naked in front of Ithilwen. "What do you see?"

She brings the candle over the page of the book. There is a light on behind Ithilwen so I can see her. "A picture you have drawn with charcoal, why?" She turns from me.

"You are intoxicated. Do not touch her again!" Ithilwen is very angry. "Ask her to leave now." So demanding.

Tauriel walks up from behind me holding leaves up to my lips. I allow her to feed them to me. No matter how bad they taste I look at Ithilwen in defiance. I'm pretty high right now, I have to admit.

"Oh, Katheryn. This is not over." Without another word I close the book.

Laying her back down, I kiss down her neck to her stomach and back up waiting on the the leaves to kick in. Once I get to her thighs, I can smell her and I no longer can wait. I lower my head between her legs and taste her. I have never tasted any woman that tasted like her, so sweet I can almost compare her to candy.

I can feel the high of the leaves hit me; my whole body feels as though it is vibrating. The flutter in my stomach becomes stronger and settles down low. She is bucking her hips against me begging for more. I lean back onto my knees rubbing down from her hips to her ankles. I lift her foot and kiss the tips of her toes. Her feet are small, with her toes stepping down in length. The way I see feet being beautiful. Taking each of her toes into my mouth I watch her reactions. Her eyes close with light moaning escaping from behind her lips. When they flutter open, they plead with me.

I give into it and begin to kiss her again. She bucks her hips into me trying to make me go faster. I pull back shaking my head. She stares down at me filled with passion knowing that she loves me. I can feel it. How can this woman be so willing to share me, well Ithilwen. With all that love.

I slide one finger in hearing her breath catch, still watching her. She is so very wet, I slide another one in waiting on her protest. When she shows none, I slide a third finger in. She moans and pushes her head back into the pillow, pushing her hips into me. I begin to kiss her again, now feeling what she is feeling. Her legs rub against my face, they seem as if they are tightening around me. I speed up the pace listening to every moan that comes from her. The faster I go, the louder she gets. Her moans are like music that bring me closer with each note. Her legs tighten around me as she feels for my hand. With the arm I'm resting on, I give it to her allowing her to intertwine her fingers with mine. I can feel her tighten around them, as her moans tell me when reaches a peak. She throws her head back into the pillow raising her hips onto me. When her orgasm subsides I continue to taste her, so sweet as if she were forbidden fruit.

"Ithilwen, I can not again." She begs me to stop. I do not listen and slide one of my fingers out of her, as I start with soft motions kissing her in the most gentle way. After some time, I replace my third finger and listen to her moans become loader as she reaches ever so close to bliss. They make me melt underneath her, and I am hers fully. Not as Ithilwen, but as me. Katheryn. Ithilwen's body may remember the way she feels, and the way she tastes, but this woman's love has dug a place out in her heart which I can feel in every essence of my being. Once she reaches orgasm, one forces its way through my body causing me to cry out in pleasure. I have never felt this, an orgasm without any stimulation. I cannot think, it makes me see lights from behind my eyes like I am watching a fire works show on the fourth of July.

I slowly slide my fingers out of her bringing them up to her lips. She receives them willingly. Seeing her reaction to her own taste, I let a moan escape.

She pulls me to take my place laying down in front of her. As she tightens her embrace on me, I hear her thought. "I cannot believe this is happening. She was not alright, but now she is? She is Ithilwen, but she is not. I will never let her go, for as long as I breathe. He cannot have her." I eventually fall asleep within her arms by the sound of her breaths.

I awake the next morning to a knock on the door. Tauriel slides on her dress then she brushes through her hair.

"Tidurian. Why are you here?" She says flatly.

"King Thranduil has asked to see you both."

"What is this about?" She puts her hand over her mouth as she yawns.

"I do not know. He spoke of her leaving abruptly last night. I suppose that is it. "

"It will be sometime. I need to show her to the bath house and find her a clean dress. I ask that you not tell the king I stayed with her last night." She whispers, "I was so worried." I wish that I could see everything that is going on.

"He will not know. Tauriel, I cannot guarantee he will accept these reasons. He is worried about her, just as you are. She has taken on so much responsibility with the kingdom, her children and teaching. She has forgotten herself. I think we all knew it would eventually come to this."

"I just do not want to give her up yet."

"I understand. He was speaking to Legolas this morning about how she felt different. He knew her, but did not know her. I fear something will happen. Whether she is her or not, speak with her. Help her get everything together. Do you know what I am trying to say?"

"Yes."

"No more talk of this kind of magic."

"Of course." Tauriel closes the door. She turns to me. "You heard everything?"

"Yes. I did." I raise up on the edge of the bed. The sunlight shines through the window and I see how perfect Ithilwen's body is. Even if I don't want to be part of this world, I have to be. I am not high this morning and everything matters, everything hurts. I look down at Ithilwen's upper thigh and can see scars from a large stab wound. I whisper, "when did I get this?"

I gasp remembering the battle so long ago with all the evil of the world. An orc threw a spear at her and it went into her leg. It threw her about two yards before she hit a hill and slid down it. Everything going black, Elrond finding her and trying to wake her.

"Ithilwen, get up. It is not safe." He yells panicked. Pulling her up by her arm. Everything is so cloudy. It is hard to figure out what is going on. She can hear people screaming in all directions. Her adrenaline is up and she is so fearful. She can feel his fear.

"Elrond, I. I am hurting," she begins to cry.

"I know." She reaches for her face and it stings to the touch.

She cries out. "What is it?" She looks down at her leg and sees the tip of the spear still in her thigh.

"I tried to get it out, but it keeps bleeding. I need to move you."

"Stop, why is there blood on my face?"

"I have healed you the best I can without my herbs. Your face and your broken bones are healed, but I can only do so much without herbs. The spear has been dipped in poison, and I believe it has a spell on it. Many of the weapons seem to be like this. Our healers are having a hard time. Now can we move?" Without her approval, he picks her up and runs her to a different area of the field. He speaks to someone and moves to leave.

She sits up on her elbows. "Elrond," he turns back to her. "You have always been honest with me. Be honest now." She demands. Weakness fills her and she falls onto her back. He leaves without a word.

That response is what made her leave and move to Mirkwood. Trust, just as it is important to me it is very important to her. It truly hurt her beyond measure. She felt as though she was being left to die alone. By happenstance it was Elrond that found her, and she had always done her best at battle while living in Imladris. It broke her heart, that someone such as him, someone she could trust, left her.

"Tell me true, Ithilwen. Is it magic?" Tauriel looks at me as if she is defeated.

"Memories are slowly coming back to me. Don't. Damn it. Do not worry please."

"Do NOT curse!" My face grows flush with embarrassment. She saw that I was remorseful and her expression softened. "Why do you not feel like her? You loved me last night and it was beautiful, but it felt different. You were more gentle with me, and more focused on me than you usually are. You have never kissed my feet in that manner. I need you to be alright." She sits down next to me. Tears stream down her face.

"Tauriel, I do not know why you say I don't feel like Ithilwen." She knows it is a lie.

She stops me short, "well the shortened words are not normal. You know words that we have never used before. You act different."

"I am Ithilwen. I have known these words for a long time. They came from the Druids in the west. I have never used them in the past because I felt like I did not have a reason to use them. I know what he said to you. I will do my very best to act like me. But understand Tauriel, I have changed. I am not sure if it is for the better or for the worse, but I do know that I chose this."

"What do you mean chose?" She stares at me waiting for an answer she does not want to hear.

"The white light was from the Mother. The Goddess. I went to try to kill myself. I know that as elves we can not do such a thing, and yet I have found a way. I met her and the Father. They gave me a choice. I chose this Tauriel. I am irrevocably changed. I am me, but I can never be the way that I was. I have seen truth and love beyond measure. They are truly real and their love for us only becomes more apparent everyday." I wipe tears off her cheeks.

"Then why did you tell Thranduil that it was magic?"

"I am not even sure if he believes in the faith that I speak of. Eru Ilúvatar is who he believes in." As the thought pops into my head. That is the Elvish God. "I need your help."

"Anything Ithilwen. But a goddess? Do you mean Elbereth? " She turns her body to me and grabs my hands.

"Elbereth?"

"Varda Elentári of the Ainur." She looks at me confused as if I should already know this."

I remember reading about her. "Yes, the Lady of the Stars. That is who I saw."

"You said god, then you must have saw Manwë with her." I nod my head at her, trying to remember what very little Tolkein said about the Elvish faith.

"I have forgotten many things from my life. Help me remember. Help me fulfil my duties and responsibilities. You know how I feel about him, I can not let him down after all these years."

She is filled with sadness. "I will help you." She says flatly.

I lit her chin with my finger. "Tauriel, no matter how much I love him, I will never leave you. He tells me I do not have to choose but please know that I will always choose you. Every time."

"I have never asked you to choose. I knew how you felt about him before we fell in love."

"I know, but I need you to know this. I don't care if anyone understands or not. I love you." I smile at her as tears fall from my eyes. I wanted to put this in the story for so long, but I never knew how. She leans her forehead on mine. I pull back, "Tauriel, Thranduil has sent for us."

"Yes! Do you want to wash up before you go see him?"

"Do I need to?"

"No. We can just find you a clean dress. We can even use some perfume if you would like?"

"Which dress darlin'? She raises an eyebrow. My cheeks grow red.

"I think either your black, or blue one would be nice. The light blue." She speaks as if it doesn't faze her.

"Tauriel, is that even an option? The black one."

"Very well." She helps me with my corset. Here it is, where the hell was it when I was running through the forest? I never knew how much these steel bone corsets are so uncomfortable. At least it is seasoned. She helps me with my dress. I feel so overwhelmed, I miss Brín, and I miss Bella.

"I am not cut out for this?" I sigh.

"Cut out for what?"

"Cut out to be Ithilwen."

"I may not understand what is going on, but I will do whatever it takes to help you." With that, I just go lay down on Ithilwen's. My bed. It's my life now. I cannot go back on my decision anymore. I start to have a panic attack. Tauriel lays down behind me, and holds me so tight I feel like I am going to pop out of my corset. It is actually helping me calm down slightly.

"Please, don't leave me." I say through panicked breaths.

"I am here. I am right here." She says as she begins to rub my eyebrow with her finger. Somehow she just knows that this helps calm someone down from a panic attack.

"Have I done this before?" I ask trying to count my breathes.

"Yes, ever since you lost Bellethiel. Do you not remember?"

"I can't remember those things right now." My heart aches to remember that my child is gone. No Ithilwen's heart.

Once I calm, she raises on the bed. "We must go Ithilwen." I nod my head. She runs a brush through her hair. Grabbing the brush from her, I slowly brushing through my hair I hear make the noise straightening my tangles. I feel how smooth my hair is and watch as the length of it fall to my breasts.

"Tauriel?" I ask. She just looks at me. "Will you put a braid in my hair?"

"We do not really have the time to be doing that. When we get back I would be happy to do so." I nod and follow her out the door. I find Tidurian walking up to my bedroom.

"Finally. He is in his throne room." We both follow him through the maze of hallways that is this city. People look at me very odd as I pass them in the hallway.

I turn to Tauriel. "Do people not forget anything?" I whisper.

"It only just happened yesterday. It will take some time, but yes they will."

Tidurian turns around as he stops in front of a tall staircase. "No more talk of magic." He looks at both of us to respond. We both nod our heads. "If he asks any questions, Tauriel just answer them silently and Ithilwen can listen to your answers." We both nod as we understand his instructions.

We follow him up the stairs. This part of the city that I can see is magnificent. Everything is open. They spent much time on it and the craftsmanship is so mesmeric, I am in awe of the fact that this beautiful city actually real. Everything is made of stone or trees. Wow! I am glad I truly get to see this.

"Lady Tauriel, and Lady Ithilwen, My Lord." Tidurian says as he bows. I then look at his throne. It is even more lovely than the movie, since it is bigger in size and more intricate. It has leaves and vines crafted into the seat itself.

There he is, in all his glory. Thranduil, king of Mirkwood. Ithilwen's heart begins to beat faster. He uncrosses his legs and stands. He moves his cloak as it falls at his sides. My breath catches and I now know how Ithilwen felt for so long. She wanted to love this man but could not have him. I cannot forget Brín.

"It is about time you two ladies have gotten here." He lets out a snort. "Leave us." He raises his voice. All the court servants leave the area and his expression softens. "Ithilwen, how are you feeling?"

"I am well My Lord. I got sleep." Among other things. I show a smirk, but hide it as fast as I show it.

"I am very pleased. Tauriel, do you feel better? Last night you were very distraught."

"Yes, I believe she is coming back to herself."

"Do you remember more Ithilwen?" He asks as he steps closer.

"I do. More memories have come back." He smiles at me.

"My Lord, if I may speak?" Tauriel asks. He turns his attention towards her and nods. "She told me last night that she was trying to kill herself because of a break in reality. Or rather her not knowing what was real." She is trying to not explain these things how I said them.

"Ithilwen surely you know that you can not kill yourself. We have even spoken about Beriadan trying to do this." He shows a vexed expression on his face.

"She says she has found a way. She does not remember how, but she tried. That is where I think the light came from. I believe it was a way for her to release all her energy. Since she has not chosen a mortal life, I know she cannot do such a thing." He turns to look at me.

"It this truly what you want? Do you want to die Ithilwen?" His voice begins to crack.

"No, I . I do not want to die. I just need time to. I need. My sadness will soon leave me." I am frazzled and do not know what to say or how to say it.

"Need time for what?" He asks as he walks closer looking down at me.

"Since energy was released in that way that it was, it caused many problems. I believe that because it was a failed attempt I am regaining it back. It is only taking longer than anticipated. I think that the forgotten memories were a result of this. It will all soon come back to me." I hear Tauriel's thought. Well done. "I need some time to regain some of these memories. I need time Thranduil." I breathe deep hoping I didn't say anything wrong.

"Then you will have it. What have you forgotten? Surely not your skills."

"No, only some personal memories. Some of our meetings I have forgotten as well and some relationships. I have even forgotten some things about my children." Where is Rúmil? I think to myself.

"I will help you in anyway I can." He smiles down at me. He places his hand on my wrist looking at it.

"It is healed." I place my hand on his to reassure him. When I do this, I close my eyes and he feels like he is Brín. For one moment I am with him and my heart does not hurt.

I look at Tauriel wanting to know what to do or say next. I turn back to Thranduil, "My Lord, may I take my leave? I need rest."

"Yes." He nods his head. Tauriel turns and starts heading down the stairs. I look back at Thranduil. He looks at me worried and I hear his thought: has she forgotten everything?

"I have not forgotten about our love." I smile at him hoping reassurance will help. A tear actually falls from his cheek. Without a thought, just as I do with Brín, I step closer to him and wrap my arms around his neck. For a second he is still. My heart beats faster thinking I have made a terrible mistake breaking a boundary. He then wraps his arms around me falling into my embrace. Who would have thought? He runs his hand up my back and back down. I pull away, looking at him for a moment. We stand in silence, but saying everything. I turn to leave.

I find Tauriel waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. "Everything alright?" She asks in concern.

"Everything is fine. Will you take me out in the forest?" I ask hoping she will not tell me I need to rest.

"If that is what you wish, Ithilwen, but I think you need to rest." She pulls me to walk with her.

"Yeah especially after last night, I didn't get much sleep." I grin then bite my lip.

"Ithilwen, do not speak in such a manner." She whispers and grabs my wrist to follow.

"Can I not be honest?" I lean closer to her and moan in her ear.

"Ithilwen! Yes you can be honest, but do not speak in such a manner in public." She says low and forced.

I stop at a window in one of the halls we have not walked through yet. Looking outside, I see the sun shining through the tops of the trees and the leaves look transparent. I smile at the warm air, causing me to think of times past, when at this time I would start taking walks and go on hikes. I remember going on a hike with Brín at one of the national parks in Virginia. We hiked a total of thirty miles in a four day hike. We spent our nights in a tent with only a capacity of two people. Every night I would lay down and be so frightened of what animal could come around our camp and Brín would make sure I would fall asleep before him. I love him for that. He always thought of me before himself; always catering to me, never questioning my reasoning until I was just being impossible. Only Brín has ever showed me love in that way.

I was on our fourth date when I got a call from my mother saying that my cousin, who I practically raised until he was fourteen because my aunt and uncle were never around, died of a drug overdose. The only reason at that time to be around the family was him. Justin. I truly miss him. I left the dinner early, ending up sitting in my car.

After about ten minutes of me crying in the parking lot in silence, someone knocked on my window. Brín knocked on my window. I got out of the car and told him what happened. I allowed him to hold me. I then knew I wanted to be with him forever.

I had never found someone to hold me and I feel safe. No one had ever loved me enough until him. It took me five months to let him stay at my house with me overnight. He was so amazing, not pushing me to have sex with him. He allowed us to be intimate by just holding me while I slept. For me, I have to trust someone so much to do that, which is the most intimate thing I could ever experience, someone I trust enough to hold me from behind. He knew this. The next morning he woke me up with kisses on my cheek and nose. He told me he loved me for the first time and I made room for him in my heart. I want Brín back. Thranduil is not him. I want Brín.

Tauriel startles me with her hand on my lower back. "Is everything alright love?" She whispers.

"Yes." I sigh. "I am just missing someone." I turn away from her and walk back toward the Grand Corridor.

When she catches up to me, she grabs my arm. "Ithilwen, stop!" She pulls me to stop. "What is it?"

I jerk away from her grasp. "No, Tauriel you stop." I say too forced with anger. "I want to be alone right now." I drawled, then slowly breathed to try to calm down. "Please I need to be alone."

She nods her head, "very well, but do you remember where anything is?" I look around and shake my head. "Then where do you want to go?" Her voice cracks. I lower my shoulders in defeat. I shake my head again. "Then I will take you somewhere to meditate and calm." I smile at her, because she loves me for which I do not understand. Wait Ithilwen loves her. She loves Ithilwen. For a moment I feel happy and cared for. But it leaves me just as quick as I felt it. I can feel her sadness for me, which is why she is helping me. She grabs the back of my arm and pulls me to follow.

After some time, we get to the highest point of the city. "This is an older part of the city. Do you remember Ithilwen?"

I look around and see how untouched this room is. Then a flashback comes over me: "Tauriel, where are you taking me?" Ithilwen has a blindfold on. "Please I cannot see." She says laughing.

Tauriel laughs, "then read my mind."

"Then that means your surprise will be ruined," Ithilwen smiles. She helps her up the stairs to the tower. Ithilwen had never been up here before.

She trips on one of the steps and skins her knee. I can feel the scrape! It really hurt, falling on stone. She feels around the step and sits down. "Can I please take this off now?" She asks feeling blood fall down her shin.

Tauriel bends down and places her hand over the wound and immediately it feels better. Ithilwen then feels her lips on her knee. "Is that better love?" She nods her head. Tauriel helps her back up and continues to lead. Finally getting to the open room, she takes off the blindfold.

Tauriel had laid out a blanket with an assortment of fruits and wine. Candles line the old shelves on the wall. It seems as though she has cleaned the room up. The windows are open with the beautiful columns with ornate leaf etchings. They spend much of the night sitting on the blanket holding one another staring at the stars. Ithilwen moves Tauriel's hair out of the way and kisses her neck. With that, they spent the rest of the night in their love.

"Yes, I remember the lovely night," I smile. "When did you move chairs and tapestries up here?"

She sighs, "at least you remember the important memories." She has cleaned it up and made it a space that is hers. A small desk sits in the corner. Although the room is round and somewhat small, she had made it very homey. Two blue tapestries hang on the wall, with two wooden chairs opposite from her desk. Many stones of the wall are cracked and crumbling. She has two torches on the columns. She lights them and there is a small brown rug in front of the chairs. It seems as though she has not been up here in years.

I take a seat in the chair next to the window. As she kneels, she pushes my legs apart to sit in between them. She lays her head on my thigh, "please tell me what to do." I look down at this beautiful woman who is waiting for an answer. I know she will do anything I ask of her, but I do not want her to do anything but to be here and love me. I begin to take the braid out of her hair.

"Tauriel?" She lifts her head to see my face. "Do you believe me?"

"Believe you about your amnesia? Of course I do. I can feel that you are lost. You know not where your chambers are or where the halls lead." She holds my hand in her's.

"Yes, but about the Goddess. About her giving me a choice and choosing middle earth."

"Choosing between middle earth and what, death?"

I just wanted to get it out and not keep it inside. My soul was screaming to be me. Katheryn. "No my life or middle earth. I am like Ithilwen. I am her but I am also me, Tauriel. I wish you could understand." I begin to cry at the thought of my life being gone. I am Ithilwen, or Ithilwen is who I want to be. I thought I needed to be her, but I need Brín. I need him more than anything. I did not know how much I relied on him until now. I got up everyday for him. I really tried to be me, and live for him. Only falling short of Katheryn. He needed me to be like I was, but I can't be. I have been changed and it can't be undone. I have been damaged beyond repair. I am a cracked porcelain doll that someone has dropped and with any movement I will shatter into a million pieces. I am no longer Katheryn, I am something so dark and damaged that I will never be anything good to Brín. I cannot love him the way he needs. I need Brín but I do not deserve him. I became a burden to him that was like a child he never wanted. He needs a wife, not me. I can never be anything good to anyone ever again.

Ever since I saw Leap Year, I wanted to be Anna. Then Brín came and I was Anna, but I was Katheryn in a love story of my own. A girl from the south who falls in love with an Irish man that is so understanding and is anything but average. A beautiful love story with a happy ending, until there was no happy ending. I was raped. He took everything from me. He took me away from Brín. Oh, Brín the life I caused you.

I cheated on Brín with Tauriel. I cannot believe I did that. I continue to cry and she wraps her arms around me and holds me. I close my eyes, and just for a moment it is Brín. Then Ithilwen's abilities allow me to hear her thoughts. "She will never be the same again." I feel her sadness that radiates from her.

"Tauriel, honey I will never be the same. But I will always love you more than life itself. If you were to die, I. You are more important to me than the world." I know it is not the whole truth, but it is truth for Brín, but I need someone right now, so I settle for this broken woman in front of me. "Tauriel can I tell you something?"

"Whatever you need to tell me, then tell me. Do not keep it in." She runs her finger along my cheek.

"I have been hurt and I need someone." I speak through the tears. "I have been hurt and I need love that is beyond measure. I don't know if it will fix it but I do know it will help. He hurt me in a way no man should ever hurt a woman. I do not know how to fix it or make it better. I hurt and it never stops. No one can make it feel better."

She stops me short. "You mean the man that gave you Áudryeil?"

"No, more recent." I continue to cry. "I need you to understand that he took something from me that I can no longer give anyone. He took my life and my heart. He took my soul. There is nothing I can do to reclaim it." I just close my eyes and try to breathe.

"I know about you and Thranduil," she says panicked. "Do you mean him?"

"No Tauriel." I place both of my hands on her cheeks and put my thumbs on her lips, tracing them with every motion.

Then I get a flash back of it. I was in my office. Being the head nurse in the ER, I got my own office. I heard with a knock on my door.

"Yes?" The door opens and it is Sebastian Mengle, the physician on the floor. He usually works the nights I work. "Brín, I have to go. I will talk to you later. I love you." I lay the phone down and look up. I just look at him waiting for an answer.

"Yes, I am on break and wanted to see what you were doing," he gives a smile.

"I am doing paperwork Sebastian, I don't have time for idle chit chat." I look back down at my paperwork and start filling in employee evaluations.

"You have time to talk to your husband."

"Yes," I snap. "To tell my husband I'm not coming home tonight since you are having me work a sixteen."

"I put you in this position. You don't even have two years of practice under your belt and I gave you this position. Is that really how you speak to your boss?" He sounds upset.

"When he acts in this way yes. Are you gonna leave and let me finish my evaluations?" I look up at him and point to the door. He walks over and raises the music level on my bluetooth speaker. "What the hell are you doing?"

He steps behind my desk and just stands there and looks at my papers. I turn around, "I think you need to leave." He does not listen and tries to kiss me. I pull back, "leave now." I demand.

He spins my chair around and my breath catches. He won't leave. I can hear my heart beat so loud everything else is just background white noise. He grabs my arms and pulls me out of the chair. I let out a scream and he hits me in the face. He walks over to the door and locks it. I am frozen in fear. I try to will my legs and arms to move but they won't. He walks back behind the desk and pushes me to lean over my desk. I start to whimper because I know whats coming. "No." I force out, but he does not listen. He pushes down on my shoulder blade holding me in place.

He pulls down my scrubs and touches me. When I whimper again he takes the crystal paper weight that is on my desk and hits me in the face with it. Once he pulls off my shoes and pulls the scrubs off, I can feel blood running down my face. I just lay there and let this happen. He enters me and puts more pressure down on my back. He grabs my right arm and holds it behind me. It is all hurting. Everything. I can hear his breath so clearly, and my own heart beat. Then everything fades away. I see the books on my bookshelves and can read everyone of them. I actually have a copy of the Hobbit here. I forgot about that. I see a picture of Brín and I from our trip to the Renaissance festival last year. The walls are so white, so much dead space on them.

He pulls me to a stand and turns me around. Pushing me back down on the desk, I start to cry. Everything comes into focus. The music, his breath, the smell of the air. I want to vomit. I can see him enter me this time and I can't stop crying. "Please stop," I force out. He hits me with the back of his hand where he hit me with the paper weight. It is throbbing.

"You are so beautiful," he says to me and I continue to cry. He takes the scarf that is on filing cabinet behind him and shoves it in my mouth. I can feel everything, I am so hyper focused I start to scream. He puts his hand over my mouth and I can't breathe. I start to panic.

Then everything goes out of focus and I stare at the light above me; it burns my eyes but I can't stop looking at it. It feels like it will never be over. It has been going on for hours. When he stops, everything stops. Leaving the room, he closes the door behind him, and the calm comes over me. I get off of the desk and sit down in my chair. Pulling the scarf out of my mouth and looking around on the desk, I see everything in disarray and knocked to the floor.

I reach over and turn the music down, and see it has only been a little less than an hour. Taking a deep breath everything starts to come back. It rushes and swirls around inside my head like a tornado that won't stop. I hurry to put my clothes back on and put everything in my bag. Running out to my car I avoid everyone.

"Katheryn? What was that? What are you trying to show me Ithilwen?" She forces out a breath, not knowing she was holding it in.

"I didn't mean to show you that. I didn't know what I was doing. It is nothing. Can we just sit here?"

"How do you not even know your own abilities? You are going to tell me what is going on right now!" She stands and looks at me.

"Tauriel I have no idea. I wish I did. Then I would tell you anything and everything. But I do not know. I am sorry." I just put my head in my hands and begin to weep.

"Stop this now. I can not handle all this drama, calm down." She ends in almost a whine. She hands me a small cloth and I wipe my eyes and blow my nose. I look up at her and she has been crying.

"I do not know how to fix this, but I will. I want to be here and live this life. I just. I." I put my thumb and forefinger on the bridge of my nose. "I need a drink."

She walks over to her desk opening a cabinet door, she pulls out a wine bottle and cork screw. "I will get a glass."

When she turns around with the glasses I pop open the bottle and drink from it. I wince at the bitter taste of it, but keep on drinking.

"Do not drink it like that, it will make you sick Ithilwen." I lower the bottle from my mouth and burp.

"I need to be drunk Tauriel, then fall into the great sleep."

"Great sleep? Do not speak in that way Ithilwen. I cannot bare to see you beg for death. I need you. If not for me, stay for Rumíl, Ilowen, even Áudryeil. Your grandchildren!" She is pleading with me. I take a few more gulps before I set the bottle down.

"I don't know what I need Tauriel, but I do know that I need love. I need to feel wanted and whole. My heart has been broken into a thousand pieces and I need someone to mend it." She does not know what to say. We sit in silence until I finish the bottle. I follow my intuition and stand up to leave.

"Where are you going?"

"To bed. I love you." I say it so natural.

I walk down the spiral stairs until I get to a corridor. A long open corridor looks like a bridge. Walking up here we did not take this way, but I go where my heart tells me. Walking across it, I find the trees to be so lovely. As if they were trying to shield me from all the evil in the world. I can feel every essence of darkness here. I keep walking until I reach the end of the bridge. Coming to a small room I take the only opening to the right. I walk through that corridor and find Thranduil standing, looking out over the balcony.

"What a truly lovely night." I say a bit slurred.

He turns around, "Drunk are we?" He lets out a quiet laugh.

"Where is your cloak, and the clothes you wore earlier? I love those most." I say this knowing black looked so good on him. He is now in dark brown clothing.

"Why do you like those most?" He let a wide smile show.

I run my hand along his cheek and trace his dimple with my thumb. "I love it when you smile." I then run my thumb along the lines around his eyes.

"Answer the question Ithilwen." Looking down at me as I close the gap between us.

"They are very." Thinking how to word my next response. I whisper, "they are tighter than the others My Lord." I giggle.

He lets out a chuckle. "Is that so?"

"Can I tell you something else?"

"Yes, Ithilwen?" He is waiting in anticipation.

"I have always wanted to, um. I have always wanted to make love to you while you sit on your throne." I bit my bottom lip. So many times have my fantasies brought me to that. Or rather Brín in the throne.

He raises an eyebrow. "Is that so? We might be able to do that during the Hrive`Isia of the Peri."

"But My Lord, will that not encompass a large feast?" Not sure exactly how I knew that. I know it is like Christmas for them, but not the Peri part.

"They will be away from that area and be in the area with the cypress tree. If that is what you wish to do, then we shall. In truth I have always found that thought alluring." He looks at me with a mischievous smile as he thinks about it.

"Yes, I would sit on top of you." I bring my lips to his ear. "I would guide you inside of me, taking in how you feel as I begin," I place my hand on his waist, "to raise and lower myself feeling the sensation of you." I breath onto his ear.

His breath catches, "Ithilwen, you must not say such things."

"And yet, I speak the truth." He reminds me of Brín in so many ways.

"You still must not say such things." He says sternly. "You are a lady."

"Why? I know these things I say to you are truth. I tell you that I wish to be with you and love you in a way no one else can. Only I can love you this way. Only I can make you feel as though we are the only ones in the world. You make me feel as though you can make me whole again. By just your touch, you repair my soul. You mend it to the point that I can love you in a way that I need. Only you can do this to me." I speak this to Brín, but after my words are finished I feel sad.

"I do not know whether to be touched, or weary that you are drunk and could just be saying such things," he sighs.

"Will you not drink with me?"

"I think you have had enough." He says flatly.

"I have just left the tower."

"I know that Tauriel has turned that into a study. I am glad she found use for it." He turns to look out over the trees. I hear his thought, "oh Itarillé. The night is beautiful."

"This was her balcony?" I take a step back.

"Yes. Ithilwen, it is alright that you are here with me." He steps closer to me.

"I should leave." I then see a vision from times past.

I see his wife laughing and running. She is having someone chase her. "Itarillé slow down." She giggles as she starts to walk backward. He grabs her by the waist and holds her close. Kissing him, she closes the gab between them. Once she pulls back I am able to see his face. Eruadan, I know him from the healing hall. He assists Manwë and also plays music when there are holiday parties. How do I know that? Then it flashes to another meeting with them. "Bond with me Itarillé."

"I cannot my love. I cannot do that to him." I see him place an Elanor flower behind her ear.

"What did you see?" Thranduil asks concerned.

"Nothing, I must go." I turn to leave, but Thranduil grabs my arm.

"Ithilwen, please tell me what you saw. His eyes plead with mine. I can see tears form in his eyes as he already knows what I saw. Damn these torches.

"Itarillé bonding with Eruadan." I say forced. I can feel tears form in my own eyes. "Did you not bond with her?"

He turns from me. "No." He sighs. He speaks quietly. "It is not like I did not try. After our marriage we tried for so long, but it never happened the way it was supposed to. Later she told me of her affair with Eruadan and how she loved him. There is no divorce like other cultures, so we stayed together. After some time, I asked her for a child. Not knowing we could could have one without bonding, it took years of trying, but we did. Just as you did with Erutáron. I loved her more than she loved me. Young elves read the writings of Manwë and think it is just that. Life is not that easy, and even though we were the first race and feel so deeply with one another than any other race, we falter too. I wish Manwë would have told the truth about love. We can not turn back from a marriage, but we do make mistakes even though we are not meant to. You loved Erutáron, but he was not your soul mate. It was the same with Itarillé. When I die, I will not come back to be with her." He stops as his voice cracks.

"You do not have to say more." I feel that the alcohol has left me slightly.

"I do Ithilwen. I wish that I would have waited and part of me wishes you would have waited too. What that man did to you hurt you in many ways, and I will never understand why you chose not to pass on the Mandos after he did such things to you."

"Stop please." The memories rush back to me. What I did and how I felt. I breathe deep. "I tried. I laid there for hours praying that I would leave my body, but it never happened. Thranduil, I have Áudryiel and I would never wish it any other way. Yes, as elves we see love and sex in a completely different light than most do. We find love for all of eternity. You and I both have made mistakes, and I have been through traumas in my life most elves can never move past. I should have waited but Erutáron loved Áudryeil, and I could not deny her a father. I truly believed that I would never have one to completely love and bond with because of the rape. All of these events in our lives have made us, I feel, unloveable. But that is why we love one another. We know the hurt that time puts on us. We are so old and deserve a better life than we have been dealt. Thranduil, I am tainted. I was stripped of my innocence before I truly understood what sex was. After that, most of the community judged me for not giving up my life when in fact I tried so hard to do so. The men did not want to be around me. But all the hate, the fear and turmoil made me a good fighter, though I fight for so many different reasons now."

I guess Ithilwen had all of the things she wanted to say to him. "Ithilwen, I have never judged you, nor will I ever. We see all of these topics in a different light than many, most notably older elves. For years we have not seen sex as something special, just an act." I pause and everything seems to fade away. We are in this space all our own. I feel everything that he is feeling right now. Pain and anguish from our topics of discussion, to the love that is radiating from his heart, which is all for me. Why can't humans feel like this?

I interrupt him, "What we did," he stops speaking. "What we did was not just an act, it was love. We bonded, be it unknowingly but we did. I may have abilities to feel what others are feeling, but no feelings such as these. It is the most intimate, most beautiful moment that I have ever felt with another man."

He leans in and kisses me. He kisses like Brín! I feel him just as if I was him. Every sensation that I feel, he feels and every sensation he feels, I feel. He kisses me slowly, taking me in. I allow his hands to hover over my lower back ever so lightly touching it. I take my hands and rub his shoulder blades.

I pull back, out of breath, "My Lord, I think I should get some rest."

"If that is what you wish."

I want to be held, but I was supposed to be with Tauriel tonight. I turn and leave.

Walking back up the bridge I check the tower to see if she is still there. "Tauriel?" I call out from the stair case.

She is sitting at her desk crying. I run my fingers along her back. I kiss the top of her head. She is like this because of me. This is work. She turns slightly and grabs my other hand. "What do you want me to do? I feel like I do not know you anymore." Pleading with me to tell her how to fix me, how to fix us.

"Nothing, just be here with me. I am in a time in my life when I do not need much but love and comfort. Hold me tonight Tauriel. Help me feel safe." She looks up at me and I lean down to wipe away her tears. She just nods.

We sleep in her chambers as she holds me tight. She whispers, "I am still here."

I awake with a nightmare of Sebastian hurting me. I sit up in bed quickly. "He is here!" I can't breathe and I'm drenched in sweat.

"It is alright. I am here." She says as she rubs my hair. "Sleep, I will still be here." I do this two more times before I stay asleep until the sun comes up through the trees. Even then I will not let her leave. She holds me until I am ready to get out of bed and live my day, but I do not want to live it.