Chapter Nine: Wedding Nights

It was Hermione and Dumbledore's wedding night, and they were sitting on the Astronomy Tower, sharing a delicious hunk of cheese.

"It's like, soooo pretty up here, you know?" Hermione said, curling up to her new hubby.

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

"Lolz, yeah," he answered quietly, looking around at all the students who were currently making out around them. This was a popular spot for that.

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

"So... what d'you want to do, Dumbly?" she asked, cramming a piece of cheese the size of her hand into her mouth.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Dumbledore's eyebrows furrowed thoughtfully, "Well, I kind of want to find out where that Celine Dion music is coming from."

+I'm setting the mood
So shut up and kiss her
you old poop

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled for no reason and he nodded sagely. "Of course, of course." He looked at Hermione who was staring at him confused because she couldn't hear any Celine Dion music, and said, "So... do you want to make out, or something?"

+You aren't supposed to ask
You idiot
Didn't Minerva teach you anything?

"Oh, right, of course," Dumbledore said, and leaned down to romantically kiss his new bride when someone suddenly burst through the door to the tower.

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one

"Hermione!" Snape cried, his wand out. "Don't!"

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

"Snape, wtf, n00b? The floaty Celine Dion song voice told me to kiss her and you're like messing it up!" Dumbledore said angrily.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

"Yeah, and I thought you were in love with Harry," Hermione said, pouting. "Especially since he died from a broken heart and your blood mingled like all those emo songs say."

There is some love that will not go away
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way

"So what?" Snape said. "I burst through the door so I might as well finish what I came here to do."

"What were you going to do?" Hermione asked.

Snape pointed his wand at Dumbledore and cried, "LOL!" A jet of green light shot from his wand and hit Dumbledore who flew over the side of the tower and plummeted through the night air.

"NOOOO!" Hermione cried, standing up. "WTF, Snape?! Why'd you have to cast LOL on him?!"

You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

"Sorry about that, Granger, but it had to be done. See you in class tomorrow," he answered, and walked away.

+Well, this sucks
Sorry, kid

"Frick," Hermione said sadly, and ate her cheese whilst sobbing.


Voldemort and Filch, on the other hand, were having a great time. They were curled up in bed, limbs entwined after a long night of gardening.

"Did you really want me more than 20 wives?" Filch asked him after Voldemort recited his awesome Emo Poem to him.

"If they were like, really ugly, then yeah," Voldemort said, playing with his love's hair.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Filch asked, annoyance showing in his voice.

"Absolutely nothing," the Dark Lord answered hurriedly.

"Oh, okay."

Then suddenly, Snape burst into the room. "Filch! Don't believe him!" he cried.

"Snape, WTF n00b?" Voldemort said angrily.

"Wait, are you guys naked?" Snape asked, branishing his wand.

"Um... yeah," Filch said. "We've been gardening all night long, you dolt."

Snape paused for several seconds, unable to stop the mental images. "Oh, dear sweet Merlin, KILL ME! KILL ME PLEASE! HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!"

Voldemort rolled his snake-like eyes and pointed his wand at the poor teacher, yelling, "LOL!"

With his last gasping breath, Snape whispered, "Thank you..."

Voldemort leaned over his husband, looking at the body. "Well, this sucks. What're we gonna do now?"

"Wanna garden some more?" Filch suggested, smirking.

"With a dead Snape in our room?" Voldemort asked, raising his almost invisible eyebrows.

"Why not?" Filch asked, winking.

"Oh, you're so naughty!" Voldemort cried with glee. "I call the tulips!"


A/N: Everyone say thanks to the ramen ninja for making me want to write again xP I really should stop saying I'm going to update when we all know I'm far to lazy to actually do things when I say I will.
Oh, and the song of course is My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, and the stanzas with +'s are of my own creation. But if you didn't know that... go away, because you're too dumb to be in my presence.