Hey! I'm sorry I haven't been able to update quickly. I was feeling a little under the weather the past couple of days. So, this chapter is a little longer than the other ones. It was challenging to write, but in the end I'm happy with the result. I really hope you like it. Please ENJOY! =]
Betrayed…Angry...Confused...Destroyed.
That's how I feel right now recklessly driving Morty back to my house. She believed Fitz over me. Fitz of all people. She immediately trusted him without even considering that I was telling the truth. After everything, she just stood there staring at me as I became drenched in the rain.
So this was his plan. I knew that bastard had something up his sleeve. The sad part is that his plan wouldn't have worked if Clare hadn't decided to take his side. From the beginning, he needed her to set his plan into motion. He knew that the best way to get revenge against me was to break us up. She fell for it after I warned her countless times not to believe him. But the first chance she got, she turned her back on me. This right here is why I was so guarded after Julia died. Because people can be ruthless and horrible. I thought Clare was different. I really did. I found myself falling for her so quickly because she was the epitome of everything I admired and respected. But now, I don't even know what to think.
My eyes burn as I park Morty along the curb in front of my house. The rain pounds loudly on the windshield. I'm so confused. I've never felt so betrayed before. How can I love someone who doesn't trust me? It doesn't work that way. But if it's not supposed to work that way, then how come I'd still do anything for this girl? How come if she was in trouble, I'd get to her as fast I possibly can? How come I still care about her?
As much as I feel like I'm turning my back on Julia for saying this, I've never felt so strongly for someone as I do for Clare. I never fell this deep, not even for Julia. It's true that Julia was something special and will always be a significant presence in my life, but I've never felt this destroyed. I lost Clare. Just like that. After everything we've been through, she's gone too. And I don't know if I can handle losing the most important person in my life again.
I shake my head as I slowly exit the car into the cold rain. I gradually make my way to the front door and let myself inside. I know my parents are probably like "What the hell?" right now with my somber expression and drenched clothing, but I honestly don't care. I'm not in the mood to talk about this right now.
Sure enough there my parents are, sitting on the couch.
"What's going on Baby Boy?" My mom asks me. I turn to her and simply shake my head as I make my way up to my room.
I stumble through the pile of junk in my room as I make my way towards my bed. I eye a box only about half full from when Clare was here before. I slowly reach my hand out and grab it. Just like before when Fitz first came back, my jumble of emotions takes over me as I snatch random objects and furiously and rapidly drop them into the cardboard box.
Why did she have to believe him? When things were finally looking up for us, why'd she have to go and turn her back on me? I needed Clare. As pathetic as it sounds, I still do. But for someone who accused me of lying, she's the liar here. She's always telling me that she trusts me, but the first chance she got, she accused me of being dishonest.
I notice the box slowly piling up with whatever object I blindly put into it. But right now I don't care. Whenever Clare and I fight or there's some sort of conflict, we always talk it out. We make things work. But this…I don't know if we can patch up what she decided to break down.
I'm scared. We've both come to rely on each other and I don't know if either of us can make it alone. But I can't just ignore what happened earlier today. I can't shrug it off as a minor mishap. Distrust can destroy a relationship and I'm almost certain that's what it has done to Clare and I.
Suddenly, I hear a small, almost silent knock on my bedroom door. "Mom, now is really not a good time."
"It's me." Her soft voice responds. I freeze. I don't even know how to respond.
"Can I come in Eli?" she asks me. I bend down and gently put the now overfilled box on the floor. "Please?" her voice breaks. I can picture her standing in the hallway, inevitable tears streaming down her cheeks right now. Her normally cheerful voice is merely a whisper. No, no, no. She can't come in. One look at her like that and I'll break. Like I said, if she needed me right now, I'd be there in a heartbeat. But this would heal her pain, not mine.
"Eli?" she asks again. "Eli, I'm so sorry. I know you didn't lie." My throat thickens. What happened after I left? "Fitz came back and told me." My blood boils. That asshole was probably standing somewhere watching his plan unfold before him. I shake my head in disgust. "Just give me a chance to explain." I hear her small fist lightly pound on the door. "Please."
I slowly make my way towards the door, my body gravitating towards her voice. I stop and grip both sides of the door frame and rest my head gently on the barrier between Clare and I. "I don't know if I want to hear your explanation Clare." I say slowly.
I hear her sob on the other end. "Please Eli." Her weak voice is slowly breaking me down.
But I have to protect myself right now. "You believed him over me." I say a little louder and with more rage in my voice than I intended.
"I know. I screwed up. I-"
"Yeah, you did Clare." I cut her off. "You don't trust me."
"But I do Eli. Please just let me in for two minutes and hear me out. Then, if you still want nothing to do with me, I'll leave." It's not that I don't want anything to do with her, how can she even think that? "I'm not leaving until you listen Eli. You're not getting rid of me that easy," she restates one of our sayings.
Clare's as stubborn as I am and I know she'll probably camp out in the hallway until I open the door. But I don't want to give in. Does she not understand how…hurt I feel? "What happened before…what you said…it was painful Clare."
"I know Eli. I was a horrible person to you." Her sobs become louder. Oh no. I close my eyes trying to zone them out, but it's impossible. I slowly grasp the cold medal of the doorknob and twist it. I take a breath and slowly open the door to the most tragic sight I've ever seen. I've seen Clare cry before, but this. She looks completely broken and destroyed, just like how I feel on the inside. I visibly see her blue eyes light up for a second when I open the door before they slowly return back to their dark state.
I turn around and make my way back into my room. I hear Clare's soft footsteps follow me. I keep my back to her. "Eli, I-"
"Would you like to explain how in the hell you could believe Fitz over me?" I snap.
She begins sobbing again. It's like she knows it kills me when she does that. Against my own warnings, I turn around and look at her. The girl I'm in love with is standing there crying and I'm just standing in one spot. She looks up at me. "I was afraid Eli."
"Of what?" I ask as I cross my arms against my chest.
"That I was going to lose you," she whispers as she looks down at the ground.
"Clare, you're going to have to elaborate."
"I've been a weak person Eli." I shake my head. Clare's the strongest person I know. What's she getting at? "Yes, I have." She takes a breath. "Fear is kind of my enemy. I've always succumbed to its power over me. Never once have I tried to fight it. Whenever I'm afraid, I do stupid things. I stand by and watch as different aspects of my life crumble. With the whole KC thing, I didn't want to believe the obvious attraction between him and Jenna. And when I finally stood up for myself, my plan backfired and it was too late. And then my parents started fighting and I began to freak out that my family life would fall just like the one relationship I ever had did. Again, I was so scared that something was happening that I just stood by and watched. That is, until you came along," she laughs under her breath before she looks up and meets my eyes. "You were so stubborn and just had to interfere that I ended up writing that letter to my parents. Granted it didn't really help their situation, but it helped me understand a little more about what was going on."
"Where are you going with this Clare?"
"Just listen Eli. Please." I nod my head urging her to continue. "But then everything got worse with my parents and I used you to get back at them. Little good that did me. I was so scared that I was going to lose my family that I resorted to pathetic things to get my parents to stop the divorce. It didn't work. Anyways, you know the rest so I won't go there. But my whole point is that in the midst of all this fighting and crumbling, you brought me joy. You're my rock." I can't help but lightly smile at her words. "But then fear crept back into me and with Fitz coming back I was terrified that I would lose you. I trust you Eli. You need to know that. But I was so scared that Fitz would bring back that side of you from before that the first time I heard that the 'old Eli' was back, I believed it. Because I was so afraid it would come true, I manipulated myself into believing that it did. I made a mistake Eli. I'm sorry that it took Fitz telling me the truth for me to believe you, but the moment I knew that I screwed up, I had to come and talk to you. I need you Eli. Can't you see that? The second I thought I lost you, everything went dark in my life. I'm so sorry."
I take a moment to register everything she said. The tears continue to flow down her face. It's not that I don't believe Clare. I trust her. If she's apologizing right now, I know she means it. But, damn, she still believed Fitz. I don't know if I can get over that.
"You didn't trust me Clare. And that's a problem." I say angrily.
"I do trust you Eli."
I shake my head. "You don't really have good way of showing it."
"Wait here." She turns around and goes back into the hallway. What the hell is going on?
She returns with a box in her hands and shoves it into my arms. I look down. It's nothing but a box of items, just like a bunch of others in my room. "What's this Clare?" I ask her a little confused.
I didn't believe it was possible, but her face turns even more red. "It's, um, well.." she takes a breath. "It's my life, Eli." My eyes wander back down to the box and I register a couple of photo frames and a very familiar pair of headphones among the pile. I still don't get what all this is about. She reads my puzzled expression. "I want you to keep the box."
"Alright…" I respond. I mean it's not like I have already have a room with boxes just like this one.
"I trust you with it." I look up at her. "What I'm trying to say is that I trust you with my life Eli."
Wow. She's making it really difficult to stay angry at her. I set the box on my bed. "Look Clare, not that I don't appreciate that, I really do, but when stuff goes wrong, I'm always the one that gets burned. And I don't think I want to be in that position anymore."
A silence befalls our conversation. I don't think we've ever been as vulnerable as we are now. But I can't even acknowledge that because I'm furious with how she handled what happened earlier.
"There's one more thing."
"Clare, you're trying to fix something that can't be fixed right now."
A new flow of tears begins. "B-but Eli. I can't lose you."
"You should've thought about that before you believed Fitz over me." I know she said that she believed Fitz because she was scared of losing me, but I still don't understand why she refused to believe me so wholeheartedly.
"But I, um," she rambles and trails off. No. She's not doing this right now. "I lo-" Seriously?
"You're honestly going to stand there and tell me you love me when just a little while ago you couldn't trust me?" I yell. She jumps back at my tone. I shake my head. "Right now, you're trying to do anything to get me to forgive you. I can't believe you'd honestly stand there and lie to me right now."
She looks at me in shock. "I wasn't lying Eli."
"Yes you were!" I take a breath. She's a jumble of emotions right now; there's no way she means this. "You're so scared that I won't forgive you, that you're willing to say anything Clare. So much for standing up to fear."
She looks at me with a pained expression on her face. "You know what Eli? I wasn't lying. I came here to tell you that I trust you. I completely trust you. And I came here to tell you how I felt about you. But obviously, you don't feel the same, so I'm going to leave now." She turns around and walks towards the door. She stops and glances back towards me. "You need to hear it Eli. I love you." She pauses. "The problem is still distrust, but you're the one who doesn't trust me." Her words knock the wind out of me and I stand there frozen; in shock at what she said.
I take a seat on the edge of my bed next to her box of stuff. I'm so confused. What just happened? Suddenly I see my mom at my door. "What happened with Clare? She just ran out crying. Granted, she was crying when she came here, but she looked miserable just now."
"Thanks, mom. I really needed to hear that."
She sighs and walks over, taking a seat next to me. "What happened Eli?"
So then I tell her everything; the whole story from beginning to end. "And I just don't understand how she can stand there and tell me she loves me when she doesn't trust me." I take a breath and shake my head.
"Both of you are too stubborn for your own good." I look at her a little confused. "Eli, I'm not saying Clare was right to believe Fitz over you, but you didn't believe her when she was telling the truth either."
"What are you talking about Mom?"
"When Clare came over last Friday, she told me she's in love with you." I stare at her in shock. My mind wanders back to that day and Clare's blush as she walked into the kitchen and the grin on her face as she walked into my room. Oh shit. "Eli, she admitted she loves you before this whole Fitz thing happened. She didn't say it as some desperate attempt to get you to forgive her."
"Shit." I mumble.
My mom laughs. "Yeah. She screwed up, and so did you. But let me tell you something. If you two didn't mean so much to each other you wouldn't have hurt so much when she believed Fitz over you and she wouldn't have been so distraught when she left earlier."
So Clare wasn't lying. And I didn't trust her. Crap. And now she thinks I rejected her. She thinks I don't trust her. And she thinks I don't love her. I've got to set things straight. She came over here to do that, now it's my turn to do the same. I just hope she forgives me. It's not like I forgave her when she came apologizing. Shit. She couldn't have gone far right? I mean she only left a little while ago. She's probably still on her way home on her…oh no.
"Mom?" She looks at me. "Do you know how Clare got here?" My breathing begins to quicken.
"On her bike like always, wh-" Realization dawns upon her. "She's going to be okay Eli. It's okay."
"You don't know that." I say sternly as I get up and frantically search for Morty's keys. Images of Clare drenched in the rain, tears streaming down her face blocking her view of where she's going flood my mind. Sounds of screeching tires across the concrete echo in my head. Not again. This can't be happening. I find the keys and sprint out of the room. "Eli!" I ignore my mother's shout and my dad's totally perplexed expression as I run out the door again and into the constantly pouring rain.
Sorry for leaving it at a cliffhanger again. I'll update as soon as I can! Please let me know what you think :) Reviews are appreciated and when I read them I smile :D
