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Like ships passing in the night.
This is one of those phrases that always makes me laugh inside.
I'm not sure why; perhaps it's because it is stodgy and like something my Harlequin romance-reading mother would say.
Regardless, that is what Edward and I are. We see each other in abbreviated clips and flashes; exchanges of children at the door, taillights disappearing down a driveway. Sometimes these snippets are in audio: I hear his laugh blending with Jaime's, or floaty notes of his guitar.
I didn't know he played guitar. He was forced to take piano as a kid, and as I remember he got older he appreciated it. But guitar? Must have been one of his Southern California things like hair he had to flip out of his face and board shorts.
No one wears board shorts in Forks but he sure did, the summer he came home to dump me.
His free fallin summer.
The days in October come and go and then it is the day before Halloween. Sophie and Jaime are having their first for-real fight, something more major than backseat bickering or a disagreement over which game to play.
She's upset because he wants to go trick or treating with boys from their class.
Without her.
It doesn't matter, I say. I'll take her myself, but no - she wants him. I'm surprised because up till now they've been thick as thieves, but sometimes boys just want to be with other little boys.
I call my friend Leah. She's got a daughter Sophie's age; they played a lot as toddlers.
Years ago, right in the middle of things being generally perfect, we found out her husband was having an affair. Sophie and I were forgotten in the subsequent shuffle – not that I ever, ever blamed Leah – and it's only recently that we've reconnected.
As luck would have it, she and little Natalie are free for the evening.
Later on, after sweeping through Leah's neighborhood, we start down our own. Ghouls and superheroes and fairies and princesses frolic in the streets and the girls hit house after house, giggling as they trample through people's yards, filling their buckets with treats.
It's not until later, when Leah and Nat have gone home and I'm walking a sugar-drunk Sophie to our walkway that we see Edward sitting on his porch steps with Jaime, dividing the spoils of the evening into piles.
Jaime's eyes widen, and he looks like he wants to say something but Sophie scowls and scampers by.
I look at Edward and shrug, and he shrugs back.
I resist the urge to tell my daughter about those Cullen men.
The dynamic duo might be feuding but life goes on and come Monday morning I'm in the driveway, waiting for Jaime to get his butt in the car so we can go to school.
Tanya walks him over, whispering a sleepy good morning as she buckles him in.
By the time we reach Forks Elementary they're on speaking terms once again.
I wish grownups operated this way.
I'm in the yard later that day, raking leaves and sweating despite the cold air.
"Bella?"
I pause and look over. Tanya's standing on their deck, a hand on her hip.
"You want a cup of coffee?"
I don't really, but I suspect she's lonely and so I oblige.
I'm good at being alone, but I'm not completely on my own; I've family and friends from as far back as childhood in this town. Tanya is still a little isolated, and whether this is of her own volition or something else I feel the need to be her friend.
Their house is similar to ours, but newer on the inside. The kitchen is especially sleek and modern, quite different to my cozy version that just screams of the seventies… not that I mind. I love my home.
Still, I can appreciate what they've "done to the place" as I settle into an ergonomically appropriate chair at the counter, high as a bar stool but comfy as an armchair.
We sit and chat until a buzzer goes off from somewhere inside the house, and Tanya excuses herself to put clothes in to the dryer. When she returns she looks at me a certain way and I just know she has questions.
"So, we were at my in-laws this weekend…"
…I still think of them as Edward's parents…
"And, I was looking through old albums. I saw Edward's prom pictures… I'd never actually seen them before – I don't know how." She smiles into her coffee cup.
I know where this is going, but I sit quietly, waiting for her to say what she needs to say.
"There were some really nice ones of the two of you together… I had no idea, Bella."
Smiling a little, I nod. "That was a long time ago."
Tanya tilts her head. "Edward said you dated for two years?"
"Yeah, just about," I say, setting my coffee cup down.
"And now you're neighbors. That's, that's…" she trails off, obviously not sure what it is.
"It was eleven years ago. Maybe twelve." I shrug, wondering if there's a point or if we're Just Chatting.
"Yeah." She nods slowly, wrapping her hands around the mug. "That's small town life I guess. Everyone has history with someone."
"Ain't that the truth," I laugh.
"Do you ever wonder?" she asks suddenly, her blue eyes sudden and piercing.
"About?"
"How things could have been if… you know." She won't say it, but neither will I.
"Not really," I lie. "We're all different people now."
"I wonder sometimes," she says really quietly, as if saying it loud will make it truer.
"About what?"
"How things could have been."
I don't know what she means, or if I even want to know, but she seems to trust me. So I wait for her to go on.
"We didn't mean to get pregnant with Jaime," she says. "I mean, now he's the best part of my life, but… it changed things, you know?"
I do know. Children change everything. Some people welcome the struggle and others struggle against it.
"I don't want you thinking I'm –"
"I don't think anything, Tanya," I say, unable to bear her guilty rambling. "Things happen, I get it. What matters is you're happy about it now, right?"
"I am," she agrees. "But sometimes it's just so hard, him being gone all the time. I just –it's not what I expected, you know?"
Ah. Edward.
"I know what you mean. I knew what I was getting into with Jake but I chose to do it anyway. I guess… they're just doing what they love," I say weakly. My troubles aren't hers. I can't pretend to understand where she is really coming from because while I'd missed Jake every second we were apart, I'd fully understood and accepted what he was doing.
At the time, anyway.
Tanya still seems conflicted, and I wonder how that could be after this many years of marriage. They met while he was in med school for God's sake; didn't they talk about this?
"You think I'm ridiculous," she says, sharp edges gilding her soft voice.
"I just don't really understand," I admit.
"I don't either, Bella. I don't either."
After reading to Sophie in bed, I kiss her goodnight and turn off the lamp.
Her curtains are still open from earlier, and from the angle at which I'm sitting I can see the stars.
Yawning, I walk quietly to the window to close them, surprised that once again I can see into the house next door.
Edward sits on the edge of a bed, Jaime's bed – I recognize the ocean theme on his wall – staring at the floor. He looks completely worn out, worn down.
I gaze at him and maybe he feels it because he lifts his head and looks right at me, resting his chin in his hands as he stares without blinking.
these chapters will always be brief.
try to keep in mind the difference between highschool relationships and those you may have in your late 20s. we do change, you know.
