A huge thank you to everyone reading, reviewing, adding this to your alerts and the like. You all own my heart. I toyed with the idea for this chapter for awhile, racking my brain for an idea of how to pull this together. I argued with this chapter, told it to go to heck, wrote it six different ways, and generally confused myself at least six times. In the end, I still don't know how it's going to go over. I may be walking a fragile line here. Please let me know what you think. I'm on the fence about this entire chapter all on its lonesome, but I think it works for the bigger picture.
SSAFunbar – Ah, my faithful reviewer! Thanks for the review! Yes, it's the dreaded giggle snort. To be fair, I don't think Taylor is the kind of girl who could beat Reid at chess, but she'd give him a heck of a run for his money. Soon Cecilia will come into the picture, and I think the results will be interesting.
Chapter 9
Run With Wild Horses
Taylor had been in the kitchen for several minutes, hoping that Reid would come after her, or hoping to hear movement from his bedroom. She heard neither. She assumed he wasn't dead. She'd like to think she was more perceptive than that. He just simply wasn't coming after her or wasn't complying to her demands. She had confused him into a state where he simply couldn't do anything but lie there, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do with her. She was feeling lonely and he was feeling confused, something that was destined to haunt their relationship if they couldn't figure out how to deal with it.
Taylor sat on one of the bar stools surrounding the countertop that separated the living area from the kitchen, her eyes darting around the apartment. It was a pristine place, where everything nearly seemed like it belonged in a museum. She surveyed it, and for just a moment she was jealous. It was beautiful here, fantastic, in fact, and she couldn't imagine what he was paying for it. All she knew was that this was the kind of place that Cecilia deserved to be in, and the kind of place she couldn't afford for them. Her survival instincts pushed through inside of her, saddening her because she was finding herself wanting to ask Reid if she and Cecila could move in with him. He had the room, an extra bedroom and a guest bathroom just for her. She knew she couldn't do that, though. She couldn't saddle him like that, and she couldn't rely on him by putting all her eggs in one basket. She had to find herself with Cecilia, before she could fully let him into their blended life.
With her cup of coffee, she sat surrounded by her thoughts and nothing else. Her legs were crossed, her eyes tired, but her thoughts running through her mind faster than she could fully process. Just as she was in her deepest form of thought, a knocking sound interrupted them. She nearly jumped out of her skin, her body lifting up by default, coffee spilling all over his expensive looking chairs and his wooden floor, probably ruining it all.
"Holy eff! Shit! Damn it!" She hadn't meant to scream, but that's what had come out. It wasn't just the liquid mess spilling all over the place that made her yell, but she had felt a fear she didn't know she could still feel.
Demons haunted her, ones she thought she had left behind, and when she heard that sound, in her mind, she was hearing the gunshot that rang out and ended at her chest. It took her back to a place she knew she'd never stop visiting, at least not completely.
Reid heard the knocking and he heard her yell. She didn't have to verbalize to him what had scared her, he already knew. He did have a degree in psychology, and he dealt with victims on a daily basis. He got up quickly, missing his shirt, as he had just begun to think that, since she had not returned yet, she was serious about sleeping on the couch. Before Taylor could pull herself together or stop screaming, Reid was in front of her, grabbing her arms from flailing about as a reaction to her downfall, and wrapping them around himself.
"It's okay. It's fine, I'm right here. It was just the door. I'm right here." Reid pulled her into him, rubbing her back gently, holding her tightly and whispering in her ear. When he didn't try, he had the right instincts.
"I know that! I know what it was! I'm not going to be able to do this! I'm not strong enough! And I think I ruined your floor!" She pulled away from him, visibly upset, lashing out and feeling sick all the same. He just kept looking her in the eyes, his face sympathetic and soothing.
"Don't worry about my floor. It's just a floor. It can be fixed. I'll clean up this up later. Right now, we need to worry about you, and possibly find out who's knocking on my door at this hour at night." He reached out his hand, putting it around her waist and pulling her gently along with him toward the door, putting his face to the peephole. "It's just your sister, Taylor. She was probably just worried about you. You did turn your phone earlier. We should let her in, okay?"
By we, he meant her, since she was the one closest to the doorknob. She shook her head, wiping her eyes to clear the tears of fear, and trying to pull herself together now that she knew who it was. It was settling in that she had nothing to worry about. She unlocked the door, turning the knob and allowing her sister to enter.
"Oh, again?" As soon as Emily entered the apartment, she saw Taylor in what was obviously Reid's shirt and only Reid's shirt, and Reid without one. She whined, her voice becoming distraught and a little bewildered. She never wanted to catch them in a compromising position again.
"It's not like that." Reid defended himself much in the same way that he had the first time they had been caught. Emily believed him no more now than she did then. Only this time, Taylor didn't pitch in to clarify.
"Don't try that again on me, please. I know my sister didn't come here to play board games with you. I'm onto that excuse." She reached up and tousled Reid's hair, and he suddenly knew where Taylor had gotten that from. It would forever creep him out every time Emily did it from now on in.
"We had sex. We're weren't having sex just now." Taylor's voice was cold and rude toward her sister. Instead of sticking around, she turned and went back into Reid's bedroom, lying down on his bed to escape from them and deal with the pain and the fears she had just experienced.
"What's going on with her? Did you piss her off?" Emily crinkled her face, becoming worried, and speaking quietly in hopes that Taylor wouldn't hear her.
"I don't know. I think she's just scared." Reid stepped further into the apartment, motioning for Emily to follow him. "Have a seat."
"You don't know? And why do you think she's scared? What happened that would make you think that?" Emily took her jacket off, draping it over the back of the couch where Reid and Taylor had sat and talked earlier. But she didn't know that. In fact, she didn't know what Reid knew and didn't, and what Taylor had told him and hadn't. She was careful with what she said, no wanting to give away Taylor's secret, but also trying to pry out of Reid what he knew.
"She came out here to get something drink after she confused me with her sexual lingo. She was quiet out here, and I just let her go, because she was in my bathroom for a long time earlier, and she seemed to have been crying. I knew she had gone in there to be away from me. I didn't want to disturb her if she needed time by being out here. After you knocked on the door, she started screaming..."
"I scared her. She was out here thinking, and when I knocked on the door it reminded her of the sound of a gunshot." Reid nodded, not knowing anything to say that would wipe the look of guilt off of Emily's face. She looked away from him, also uncomfortable, trying to focus on the world that was Dr. Reid, when she noticed the puddle all over Reid's chair and floor.
"Did she spill her drink all over the place?" Reid nodded again, and she caught it out of the corner of her eye. "I'll clean it up before it ruins your floor."
"Leave it. I'd like to talk to you since you're here." The floor, the spilled drink, that was the furthest thing from Reid's mind. He couldn't have cared less what happened to his floor, contrary to how he had seemed earlier when he was cleaning an already clean apartment. Something about Taylor did that to him. It made him care only for her.
"This is a really nice place. You don't want your floor to be ruined." Emily tried to get up, knowing she had to find out what Reid knew, and if her sister didn't tell him, she had to step in and be honest with him. Everything about his actions, the look in his eyes, and the way he was when it came to her sister let her know he loved her, whether he realized it or not. She had to be fair to him.
"Emily." Reid reached out, grabbing onto her arm before she had a chance to make it the whole way off of the couch. "Please, sit back down. How did you find out where I live, anyway?"
"The sexiest hacker in the world. When Taylor didn't come home, I figured she had come here to be with you. I called, but both of your phones were off. I was going to just leave her go. I know she's safe with you, and I know she's an adult who can make her own decision. Heck, I think I was more excited about her date tonight than she was, but that's only because she was nervous. I need to know if she talked to you tonight." She hadn't intended to dive right in the way she had, but with Taylor hiding out, it was now or never.
"About her daughter? She did." They were on the same page, but it didn't make it anymore comfortable. They both felt like they were talking behind Taylor's back, something that neither wanted to do, but they knew they needed to.
"And what do you think about all of this?" Reid was a lot of great things, but she didn't know if he was a man who could handle a mentally fragile woman with a child. He had been amazing with Taylor, more than Emily could ever ask for, and he'd done more for her than Emily could do herself. She appreciated him, but she also found it a little unfair to weigh him down with the responsibility that Taylor was about to.
"It doesn't change the way I feel about Taylor. I'm not going anywhere unless she wants me to. I just...I'm worried that she's not ready for this. I know she can do this, that's not the issue, but..." Reid hesitated to say what he wanted to, afraid he was out of line, but he had to be honest with Emily since Taylor and Cecilia would be living with her.
"She hasn't had enough time to heal since was attacked?" Reid nodded again, feeling as if he were betraying Taylor by admitting to that, which is why he had paused. He was hoping Emily would say it, so he didn't have to.
"The way she reacted when you knocked on the door...when I got out here she was shaking and still screaming, but mostly she was just scared. I'm worried she can't take care of herself if she's alone yet. One day she'll be able to. I don't doubt that for a minute, but she just needs time. It hasn't been long enough yet. What happens if she breaks down like that with her daughter in the house?" Although the two had tried to keep their voices down, it was just a matter of time before Taylor made her way back out to them on her own. She didn't want to be with anyone right now, but she didn't want to be alone, either. She just wanted to not be afraid, to not feel like she was weak.
"I don't know. I don't think I can do this. I don't think I'm making the right decision for her. I'm not strong enough." Taylor had heard every word, although they hadn't wanted her to. When their voices got quiet, she crept out and stood at the opening of the hallway, leaning against where the living room wall met the hall wall. Both Reid and Emily turned to face her, the truth and tears written all over her face.
"You're more than strong enough, and you're going to be an amazing mother, but you do need time to heal." The profiler in Emily came out, but so did the big sister. She wanted to smooth things over and make them all right. Taylor didn't believe her. The look on her face said it all. "Listen, I wouldn't have fought as hard as I did for you, or filled out papers saying you were the one who should be raising Cecilia if you weren't. I wouldn't do that to you, because I know you only want what is best for her. You are what is best for her, Taylor. But you just need a lot more time to heal before you're going to be able to do this alone."
"She doesn't know anyone but me. She's going to be scared around anyone else." Her body shifted, but she didn't move from the place she was at, putting up an invisible wall between herself, and her sister and Reid.
"She's knows me. Not well, but enough. I'm here for you, you know that. I can take more time off work if you need me to be home with you, that way, if something like this happens, I'll be there. We'll pick up the pieces together." Emily wasn't worried, not like Taylor was. She was scared that Taylor would have her moments, but she knew Taylor would be an amazing mom. She had been before, but life dealt her a horrible hand. It wasn't her fault, and this wasn't either, so she wasn't going to let her lose her daughter again over something she had no control over.
"But I'll still scare her by that time. You can't keep taking off of work because of me. You love your job, you should go back. You're giving up your life for me and I don't want that...from either of you. Besides, what are you going to do when my six months is up and I have to have a permanent, approved residence for her? I don't even know what I'm going to do then." Tears were running down her cheeks, but she was crying silently. Everything inside of her said she couldn't do this.
"We'll sell my apartment. We'll get a nice house together with the money from the sell. It will be a permanent residence for all of us, three bedrooms, the picket fence, everything you want, you'll have." Taylor shook her head, appreciating that her sister was doing what she had always done, trying to give her the fairy tale at her own expense. There comes a time, though, when one couldn't continue to impair someone else's life.
"We can't afford that." Taylor wasn't dumb. She knew the area was expensive, and although Emily had a prime apartment overlooking The Capitol Building, she still couldn't afford a house like that with what she would sell her apartment for. People bought apartments here because they couldn't afford houses.
"We can. I'm not above going to Mom if I really have to. I know you won't, and I used to feel the same way, but we've mad our amends and she has some things to make up to us." It would kill Emily to ask her mom for money, and Taylor knew that, but the thing was, it wouldn't kill their mom. She would happily do it if it meant the well being of her girls. It's just that Taylor had cut contact with her as much as possible many, many years ago, and she knew it would feel like blood money to her.
"I don't want any of that! I don't want you to change your life for me." Taylor started to flip out again, her body shaking, her hands flailing in all directions, although she didn't know why. She didn't know if she was hurt, mad, or upset at them, or herself. She just knew the way her body was automatically reacting wasn't good.
"Then I'll change mine, and we'll make it work." Reid got up from where he was, walking over to her and doing what he had done earlier, wrapping her arms around him, and his around her, rubbing her back gently. He wanted her to know he was there, and he was serious.
"No! I don't want that, either. This isn't your problem, it's mine. Let's just say what we're all thinking. I may want Cecilia more than anything in the world, and I may be the best person for her, but I'm not stable enough right now to bring her home. I don't care what those psychologist said. I believed them, too, until twenty minutes ago. She needs someone else, someone who hasn't been traumatized the way I have. I thought I had my second chance with her. I just really don't want to give her up this time. I don't want to have my heart broken again." This time she let out a whimper, fully letting go and crying into Reid. She had buried her head in his chest, his small stature all she had to protect her from the rest of the world. She never thought she'd rely on someone like this again, not after her husband left her, but she was, and she thought that nothing short of a miracle.
"You're not going to have to. I have a degree in psychology, and I agree with them. Whether you need time or not, it doesn't take away from the fact that you are ready to raise a daughter. You just need some help until enough time has passed for you to feel secure again. I don't know when that will be, but the time will come. You shouldn't have to lose out on your chance to be a mother because of that, because no one would be a better, more loving mother than you. If you don't believe the other psychologists, I know you trust me. Please believe me." She pulled herself out of his chest at her own will. Reid took the opportunity to lean down and kiss her on the forehead, before sliding around her and putting his arm behind her. "Come on."
Reid managed to calm Taylor down some, getting her to the couch to sit with him. She curled up next to him, not caring that her sister was there. This wasn't an intimate moment, this was a moment of finding safety. He put his around around her, but not before grabbing a blanket off of the back of the couch and wrapping it around her. She had to be chilly in just his t-shirt. All stayed quiet after that for several minutes, allowing Taylor to fall into a certain calmness, until Emily broke the silence.
"You're really good with her, Spencer." Emily didn't mean to say it, and at first she hadn't realized she had said it out loud. She was more in awe than anything, and couldn't help herself. She had never seen Reid act so human. She knew that he was right for her sister, but maybe not even she saw why or just how good, until now.
Whether he'd admit it or even knew it, he loved her. And she was pretty sure she loved him, too, but neither would say it. Neither should. It was too soon and they had to be sure. She didn't want either of them to end up broken. She would feel like the guilty party, as she had introduced them. She never thought anything would develop between them, and although she was glad it had, now that she saw what was going on in front of her own eyes, she really hoped this didn't fail, because she didn't know who she should be more worried about if it did. Her sister, who found a way to fall into every pothole that life had to offer by zero fault of her own, or Reid, who managed to navigate his world alone, but found himself getting beat down at every corner.
"You guys, I think I have an idea. While we were sitting here, I was thinking..." With the moment between them making Emily uncomfortable, she took the opportunity to get a jab in at Reid, feeling awkward about falling into the emotional pattern she had earlier when she had complimented him. They were still colleagues, regardless.
"Of course you were." Reid raised an eyebrow at her, trying not to profile her, but seeing what she was doing, how she was trying to not get too emotional with him, eventually leading her into being non professional.
"Funny. Emily, what do you know about the woman of whom you succeeded?" Reid didn't realize he was doing it, but while talking, he was gently rubbing Taylor's arm, soothing her, but paying no attention to her other than that, speaking straight to Emily.
"Not much. Just that she chose to leave the team on her own recognizance." It was often that Emily had no idea where Reid was going with something, but this time she couldn't even take a stab in the dark. She wondered if he knew where he was going with this.
"Her name was Elle Greenaway. After she left the BAU, she decided to leave law enforcement altogether. She makes her money freelance writing about her experiences in law enforcement for different magazines. She even has her own column in one. She also runs an online forum where she helps kids and young adults who were marred by sexual abuse, or their parents were killed in the line of duty, by answering their questions and directing them to where they can get the proper help." Emily raised an eyebrow, not in the mood to sit here and listen to him go on about something at this hour of night. Although he was talking only to her, she was unamused that her sister hadn't piped in with one of her smart ass comments she was so famous for. She could come in handy right now.
"What are you saying?" She wanted her voice to come out as deadpan, to let Reid know he needed to get to the point. She couldn't help it, though. She had always wondered about the woman who came before her, although she still didn't see what it had to do with the situation.
"I'm saying that she works from home and her life revolves around helping people. I'm the only one she's kept in touch with, and it's not often, but if I asked her, I'm sure she would be willing to stay with Taylor and Cecilia when we couldn't. Her schedule would certainly allow for it." Reid sometimes wondered what it was about him that made Elle want to stay in touch with only him, and with no one else. The only conclusion he was ever able to come to was that she remembered the night the two spoke in her hotel room before she made a fateful, career ending decision, and figured she could trust him.
"Why would you think she would want to stay with someone she's never even met? Especially when it doesn't exactly sound like the two of you are close friends." Emily was skeptical about this, at best. It seemed like Reid searched his mind for any old harebrained idea, and chose the only person he could think of to fill the void for Taylor. It was the consequence of focusing on your job, and not having many friends.
"Because she was targeted and shot, too, in her home, by one of our unsubs. She almost died. If that wasn't enough, she's am expert in sex crimes. I almost guarantee you if she knew Taylor's story and the situation, she would offer to stay with her before I could even ask her to. It's the kind of person she is." He was already trying to mentally recall where he had left his cell phone when clothes fell about the floor. He had picked his clothing up and organized it while Taylor was in the bathroom, not wanting her to see his place as a mess, even if she's the one who helped make it. His pocket was absent of his cell phone, so it must have slid somewhere. Always thinking, that Spencer Reid.
"Wait a minute, you said she was shot? Are you sure she's stable enough to stay with Taylor? What if she reacts just the same as Taylor does to certain triggers?" Emily's face fell. She trusted Reid, and mostly trusted his judgement in people, despite his naivety that he still carried with him like an old friend. She saw the way he looked at Taylor and knew he'd never hurt her, but this was something she was thinking twice about. She could see where he found the two would be a match, but she could also see this going terribly wrong.
"The odds of her doing that are nearly negligible. Although Elle once suffered from a broken psyche, I'm confident it was a thing of the past, and that having Taylor be around someone who can relate to her in a way we can't would be good for her." Reid's mind was racing, thinking about what he would say to Elle when he called, how he would present it. He knew this was a fortunate situation for Taylor, and she'd be lucky to have Elle around to learn from. He didn't even notice Emily's skepticism in his euphoria of being right.
"Reid, I don't even know this woman. Neither does Taylor, and you know how she is. She's only going to get worse when she has a daughter to protect. How confident are you that this woman is really stable after what happened to her? Reid, there can be no shade of gray in this. You have to know for sure that she can handle this and she's not going to spook at triggered memories. I don't know how you can be sure of anything like that. You're too smart to put that kind of confidence into something you know has no finite pattern, no status quo for how someone will heal." Emily knew that there were no guarantees with anyone who had been traumatized the way her sister and Elle had. As profilers, it was both of their jobs to know that. Reid was going off a basic profile, but what worried her the most was that he was too personally involved to have done a profile on her in the first place.
"I counseled her after she left the team. She's a strong woman, but she didn't know how to deal with this on her own, and found she was unable to talk to a stranger about what had happened to her. She called me a few weeks after she resigned, and asked me if we could get together. I offered to take her out to coffee, and she proved to me that it was deeper than that. I guess she felt it was easy to talk to me since I already knew what happened, and part of her healing was not having to relive it with someone she didn't even know. We got together for "coffee" around my schedule for a little over a year, until I knew Elle was fine in regards to what happened to her. She was just looking for someone to talk to. I thought she was beginning to develop an unhealthy attachment to me, that she was beginning to rely on me too much, so I recommended to her a guy I knew. Eventually she stopped calling me every week, but it's still nice to check in with each other from time to time." Emily raised an eyebrow, and Reid knew what she was thinking. He just shook his head, denying anything had happened between them. He couldn't imagine being remotely romantically interesting in Elle, or she in him. She was just suffering from transference.
"If you're the one who cleared her, who decided she was mentally stable, then I trust you, but I don't know that Taylor will, though." A hurt look crossed Reid's face. Emily acknowledged it by quickly back tracking over what she had just said. "I...I don't mean that I think she won't trust you, but she probably won't trust someone she doesn't know. I'd like to meet this woman, to get a feel for her, but unfortunately Taylor is leaving tomorrow and I have to go back to work, so there's no time. I'm going to have to put my faith in you, Dr. Reid. I know where you work if you let me down."
"That's reassuring." Reid's voice was off put, a little offended, but he finally came down off of his high horse and was beginning to see Emily's side of things, and where her doubts originated from.
"I didn't mean it that way." Emily gave him a half smile, trying to reassure his insecurities that she was just picking on him about the last part.
"I think I know that. I'll call Elle in the morning, if you're sure you're okay with that." Now that he saw Emily's side of things, his mind was racing back and forth a million miles a minute, wondering why she gave him a little bit of room for grace. He saw the way her attitude changed with him because of Taylor, and the way she was putting this in his hands, when he didn't even know if he trusted himself completely.
"You shouldn't be asking me that. You should be asking Taylor. I'm surprised with her mouth, that she hasn't weighed in on this." Emily appreciated that Reid had spoken to her and only to her this whole time.
It let Emily know that he knew she was on the same page as him; looking out for Taylor's well being and best interests. He wanted to speak with someone with a clear mind, someone who knew more about Taylor than he thought Taylor may know about herself, and make sure she was comfortable. Ultimately, though, Taylor wasn't about to do anything she didn't want to, so she had to agree to it for this to work.
"I would, but I think she might be sleeping. I think she has been for awhile." Reid noticed her breathing evening out almost immediately after she fell against him. He knew she had to be tired with the way her mind was running in circles, spinning to make sense of the way life had crashed into her suddenly.
"Taylor." Emily reached over and touched her sister's shoulder. She didn't even flinch at this, too wrapped up in the blanket, and Reid, to care. "I think she is. Huh, how about that. Reid, I trust you. I see how you treat my sister, how you got through when no one else could, not even me. If anything, I'm jealous of you."
"What? Of me? Why?" He had always been the one jealous of everyone around him. No one was ever jealous of the socially awkward nerd that couldn't keep up with anyone around him. In fact, he found himself jealous of Emily many times, and her natural understanding of the world around her. This felt backwards to him.
"Look at the way she's lying up against you. She has her hand around your waist, indicating she trusts you; that you're her safety zone. The way she her fingers wrapped around your shirt indicates that she's not only protecting you, but also marking you, saying that you're hers and she doesn't want you to go away. The way she's sleeping after being as frightened as she was, after having the worst memories of her life triggered, speaks for itself." Emily watched her sister, not able to remove her eyes from how peaceful she looked. Her sister always had a wild streak, she was always unsettled. You could see it in her even when she slept, that she wanted to run with the wild horses just to say she was free. Now, you would never be able to tell. Maybe that's no longer what she wanted. What she wanted, she had her arm around.
"I don't know why she likes me." Reid hadn't meant to say anything, but it just came out. He was thinking out loud, prepared to lose her at any moment, despite the way she was acting toward him.
"Me either, but she does." Emily pried her eyes away from her sister to look Reid in the eye. She smiled when she saw the shocked, cold look on his face; maybe even an offended look. "Reid, I'm kidding. You're a great guy. I'm not going to lie and say I hoped this would happen, because work is going to be awfully awkward when I finally return tomorrow. But I will say that I always hoped she would fall for a guy who looked at her like she was the only thing he saw in the world. Someone who wanted to vehemently protect her and stand by her side when the chips were down. You've far surpassed that just by being her rock, by getting her through something I didn't know if I could even get her through. You came into her life blind, and you were the only one who could see the true her. She had never been stripped away to her core like she was when I brought her to stay with me, and you didn't take advantage of that. I assume she's told you about her past, and that bastard of a husband she was married to. I wanted so hard to protect her from any guy like that again, and I never thought I'd feel secure with anyone she was with again, but with you I know she's safe. You still have a lot to learn about her, and the road ahead is scarier and becoming harder than the road behind, but I have no doubt that, if you stay with her, if you show her that you're there for her, you will get it back tenfold plus. She's a great girl, Reid. I can't tell you what to do, and I know you're about to come into a lot of responsibility that you shouldn't have to shoulder, but for the first time in my life, I feel like something might be right about love."
"Love? No one said anything about love. I don't even know what love feels like." Reid was running his mouth, afraid of what Emily was saying, afraid she had gotten the wrong impression, but more afraid that she was right. He hadn't put much thought into it, only knowing he felt what he felt and was fine with it, but what if he did feel more than he wanted to admit? He wouldn't know until they were truly together in a real relationship, and time had passed, but Emily had the potential to be right.
"That's what they all say." Emily smiled, sure of herself. Reid's reaction, the way he was unsure of his self, proved to her what she already knew. He loved her. He just didn't know it this soon in the relationship. The feeling went both ways.
"They? Who's they?" Reid rarely liked when someone mentioned the nameless, faceless, ominous they. It was like keeping up with the Joneses. If you didn't know who they were specifically, you could never really keep up with them.
"All the people who are in love for the first time, new and special, and know it's too soon to admit it, even though they feel it." Reid just looked at her and scrunched up his face. "What? You're not the only one who can be right about things. You'll see."
"Why did you come here at midnight again?" Reid tried to change the subject quickly, thinking of the only thing he could to say. Sure, Emily had told him how she got there, but not really why she was there. He knew her saying she was there to talk to him was why she was there in that moment, since they were alone, and not why she had come. Anything to throw the conversation on herwas good enough for him.
"To collect my sister and make sure she got enough sleep so she was awake enough to make the drive tomorrow. Like I said before, I know she's safe here with you, but I also know the things her Reid-loving mind wants to do when she's with you, even though I'd like to erase that knowledge from my mind. If she was here with you all night, I knew she'd be severely lacking in sleep. It's a mom thing to do, I know." Even Emily rolled her eyes at that. She promised she would never be as overprotective as her mother was, or try to micromanage the things her sister did. Now here she was, and even though it was for her own good, it was probably knowing that was the reason she was doing what she was that made it worse. She hated when her mom gave her that reason.
"Wait, you were going to take her home with you and make her sleep because she's driving?" Reid said this in question form. Emily studied him for a moment, until she was sure he had confused her, and possibly his own self.
"What part confused you?" Maybe it was the hour of night it was. Everything and everyone seemed to dim a little after the sun fell from the sky, but especially after it had hidden itself for awhile.
"No, I'm not confused. I guess I just didn't realize she was driving. I mean, if I think about it, I think I already knew that, but you saying that made me realize just how much I don't like that idea. It's easily a fifteen hour drive on a good day. Factor in any inclement weather conditions, mixed with her speed, traffic, how may rest stops she makes, and her level of exhaustion and awareness, it could easily take her upwards of eighteen hours. She didn't specify if she was planning on making the trip up in one day, but regardless, I don't particularly feel secure in her making that drive alone. There's a number of things that could happen to her. You know, you do the same job that I do. If this is about her not having the money to fly..." Emily cut in, not allowing his rant to go any further. It was likely he would never stop, as was normal when Reid got on a roll.
"It's not. She's worried about Cecilia. She's never been on a plane before, and the adjustment is going to be hard enough on her as it is. She doesn't even know how she's going to do on that long of a car ride, forget putting her on a plane. She's afraid it will terrify her. Plus, she's going to be bringing a bunch of Cecilia's things back. I told her I'd at least fly her out there and pay for her to rent a vehicle for the drive back, but she wasn't having it. I caved and told her she could take my vehicle. It should give her enough room to haul Cecilia's current possessions back, the one's she's been surviving with in state care, enough to make her feel comfortable. The rest she's planning on having shipped down when the estate is settled, but she can't touch it until then. Between you and me, I don't like this either, not one bit. I think she's just asking for trouble, and the behavior she displayed tonight scared me even more." Emily paused, looking up to focus on Reid. "Reid, is there any way you could ask her if you could go along? I hate to ask you this, it's wrong of me, but I've already tried with her. She doesn't want me to go with her. I wanted to ask you before, but we got a little sidetracked."
"Oh, I already did. I, too, got shut down. She was pretty dead set on going alone." He hadn't liked it then, but he liked it less now. Knowing Emily was also worried brought no peace to his mind.
"I thought that may be the case. I didn't like it before, and after tonight I'm seriously starting to have second opinions about a lot of things with her." Emily tried not to admit it, and she tried to handle this rationally, while standing gently in Taylor's corner, but she couldn't deny it any longer. Everything was rushing into her as she realized tomorrow was coming fast, and her fears were very real.
"Things other than her being a mom?" Emily's face was as white as a ghost, her eyes distant.
"I'm not worried about her being a mom; she'll be amazing at it and every part of the last six years of her life have worked up to this point. Everything she's done has revolved around it. I'm worried about her being alone, and about all the things that could trigger another episode like tonight. I'm worried that because of that, she's not going to be able to get a job, and she won't be able to hold up her end of what her social worker expects. She needs time, but the state doesn't care about time. Time doesn't raise a child." Part of the deal with the social worker was that she would have a solid job, one that could sustain she and Cecilia comfortably, and she had to do it in six months.
Emily knew that Taylor had talked about going back to being a nurse, hoping to work the same as hours as Cecilia was in school, but now she didn't even think she was going to be able to do that. It was funny to think that just this morning, she had so much hope for her sister. She truly thought she was fine. She didn't even see this in her future. It made her wonder what else she had missed, what else happened right under her nose, or other signs she showed of still being panicked, that she had missed. She felt guilty, if nothing else.
"No, but support does, and she has that. As far as Taylor working, honestly Emily, I think if she's pushed into it now, too soon, it's possible she's going to shut herself down inside just to be able to deal with her own fears. She'll still be a great mom, and outwardly she'll seem fine, but she's not going to be herself and none of us want that for her. She was talking about going back to being a nurse, but after tonight I'm worried she'll see herself in every victim that comes through that door, and unfortunately there's a lot of bad people out there, a lot of people who will be admitted after being harmed by another person." Reid had thought this initially, but he didn't want to burst her bubble by saying anything. He was hoping if he had a few days to think while she was gone, he could come up with something more than half baked to pitch at her, and hopefully talk her into. Everything was coming to a head here and now, and decisions had to be made immediately, instead.
"What's she going to do, though, Reid? If she doesn't work, she loses Cecilia. If she goes back to work, she may suffer from emotional turmoil she won't recover from. Then there's the fact that even if you do get Elle to stay with her, she's not a babysitter. It's one thing to ask her to stay with Taylor and Cecilia when we can't, but it's another to expect her to watch a heavily autistic child on her own." It was rhetorical question; in fact, everything she said was rhetorical, no come back needed, a panicked moment in Emily's mind. "Maybe she shouldn't even go tomorrow."
"I...I don't agree with that, Emily. I think she has to, for her. I know where you're coming from, and I'm not saying that I totally disagree with it, but I know from her emotions and her body language that she doesn't just want this, she needs this. This is a defining moment for her entire existence and being. If she's denied this, I'm concerned she'll suffer more emotional damage than she would if she went and retrieved Cecilia tomorrow. I think maybe we're looking at this wrong. Instead of taking her to the job, maybe she needs us to bring the job to her. That way, she could be home all the time with Cecilia, but still bringing in money, which would insure her no further issues with social services." Reid was thoughtful again, and Emily was becoming worried about all the over thinking he was doing tonight. His brain had to have a limit before explosion, right?
"You don't listen to the news or read newspapers, do you?" Reid pursed his lips together, pausing to ponder this as if she had asked him to name the seven dwarves in alphabetical order, and then ultimately shook his head.
"No. I've been in law enforcement long enough to know that most of the things reported on the news are false to some degree. Just look at the way JJ would spin things for our team to make sure that, if the unsub was watching the news, he only heard what we needed him to hear in order to catch him. Since I generally don't learn anything from the news, I don't watch it." Despite working with Reid for years, he somehow found a way to surprise her at least once per conversation. She tried to not show it, but even after all this time, her poker face wasn't fine tuned.
"You are...really boring. How my crazy sister fell for you, I am positive I will never understand, but that's beyond the point. I'm assuming since you don't watch the news, you're also oblivious to the fact that the economy has taken a pretty hard hit. Jobs aren't easy to find to begin with, but jobs at home where people can raise their kids, they're almost impossible to find." Reid nodded, not understanding at first. He had to absorb the information. He was primped and primed for the job he had, and because of that, it came easily to him. In his minds, jobs always came easy to people. He had to process that everyone wasn't him and he was, well, wrong. That was hard enough to swallow.
"I have to think about this some more. Perhaps I hadn't thought this out as well as I wanted to." He sighed, feeling like tonight was filled with the stench of pure fail, but he smelled sex on himself and on Taylor, so somehow that balanced everything out to a hope of a better morning.
As for Emily, on the other hand, he wasn't so sure. She seemed more worried than Taylor about all of this, possibly because she was thinking it out more than Taylor was. Things were always clearer from the outside looking in. But he didn't have the answers he wished he did. Things weren't going to be easy, not by a long shot, and he, too, wondered if things would all work out in the end. He didn't like not having all the answers.
"Perhaps, but I'm done thinking for the night. I need to get some sleep, and you should, too. We both have work in the morning." The more Emily thought it out, every time she brought it up, it hurt her more. Part of her wanted to shut down what was going to happen tomorrow, but she knew she'd only blame herself and she should, as it would be all her fault.
She's the one who fought for Taylor, who stood up for her and encouraged her, and even filled out paperwork on Taylor's behalf. She's the one who wanted to see this happen for Taylor more than anything, especially knowing her past and how much this meant to her. She just wanted to see Taylor unbroken for the first time in six years. In doing that, she hadn't stopped to think long enough to see all the problems with this plan. When she thought Taylor was stable, there were still enough problems to make her think about second guessing it, but she could excuse herself and see how she thought this was a good idea. What she couldn't forgive was that she hadn't seen that Taylor wasn't healed yet.
"That we do. What are we going to do about her?" Reid pointed to Taylor almost as if he had to, like Emily wouldn't know who he was talking about if he didn't. Typical Reid.
"She's sleeping on you, so you're stuck with her now. As long as she gets some sleep, that's all I care about." It was stupid of her to come here, especially so late at night. She knew that before she had done it.
She just had to check on her sister, or at least that's what she told herself. That was part of it, but the other part wanted to make sure she had been honest with Reid, because it was keeping her up tonight. She just couldn't face him at work tomorrow wondering if he knew where his girlfriend was, what she was doing, and that the world as he knew it was about to come to an abrupt, frigid halt.
"That's not what I meant, but that's good to know. What are we going to do about her driving alone?" Reid's mind couldn't help but be haunted by all the things that could happen to a young girl alone, traveling hundreds of miles away. Add the fact that she was mentally compromised, and the odds of her becoming pray to someone who was mentally sick and twisted went up considerably.
"What can we do? She's Taylor. She's going to do what she wants to do. Although we're worried and have every reason to be, we just have to let her go. If we don't, she'll just end up resenting us, and if she doesn't have us, she doesn't have anyone in her corner. We have to trust that she knows herself better than we know her." Emily cringed even as she said that.
She didn't like it either, not one bit, as she had hashed and rehashed several times, both aloud and in her mind. She'd lay down her life for her sister, and knowing that she was possibly putting not only her, but her heavily autistic daughter in danger, made something inside of her fight not to break down. But at the end of the day, she knew she'd only be met with resistance and anger the more she fought Taylor, ultimately leaving her with no viable thing to do.
"What if she doesn't? What if she can't yet?" It was a good thing Taylor wasn't awake, a fact neither let merely pass through their minds. She would fighting, kicking and screaming emotionally for some room to breathe. All they were trying to do was state the obvious, and to help her because they cared.
"Then we try not to think about that." Her voice was cold, attempting to keep all her emotions in check. This clearly upset Reid, as evident by the look on his face. "Reid, you have to trust me on this. I know you see through Taylor in a way that I can't, but I've known her longer, and I've patterned her behavior. You have to drop this. Promise me you will. And also promise me you will get her into the bedroom and not have sex with her, so that the both of you can get some sleep."
"I promise." Reid know that's what Emily was fishing for, however, he only said he promised once, so he felt he was technically exempt from holding up to both promises if he so chose to do so.
"All right, then I'm going to pull the mom card again. Get her up and get her to bed; you too, and I'm going to get out of here. I need sleep, too." Emily got off the couch, knowing they had beat this conversation into the ground not once, but twice in the time she had been there. Instead of reaching for her jacket, she went toward his kitchen, reaching for some paper towels.
"What are you doing?" Reid wanted to ask her how he was supposed to wake Taylor from her sleep without her getting angry at him, but that came out instead. Sometimes his mouth and brain didn't coordinate so well.
"Cleaning up the mess she made." Reid looked at her like she was within the likes of a serial killer, and just that crazy. "I know it's stupid. You don't have to tell me that, but I kind of feel responsible. I'm the one who scared her. This is a nice place you have here, Reid, and I would hate to have her wreck any part of your house. You know, since you can do that so well on your own."
"It was one kitchen fire!" Reid threw his hands up and nearly pulled himself off of his seat, but the weight of Taylor held him down. He immediately stopped talking, staying still, and then taking a few deep breathes, and checking Taylor to make sure he hadn't woken her like he so easily could have.
"Which is one more than most people have in a lifetime. And to think I'm trusting you with the thing closest to my heart." Emily sopped up the mess, glad that the coffee hadn't stained anything like she imagined it would. She would have reimbursed Reid for her sister's shortcomings, but the floor looked like it could have cost a pretty penny more than she wanted to spend. She was financially responsible for plus two now, and she couldn't afford to put out anything that she didn't have to.
"I don't know if I like you right now." His voice had every indication of deflection, done with the grace and innocence of a twelve year old.
"And I don't know that I wanted to see you naked ever. Actually, I do know, and no offense, but the answer is never in a million years. However, you see how that worked out. So I think I'm good with you not liking me, especially if it means I'll never have to see you naked again." She would never forget that as long as she lived. It was the thing nightmares were made out of. No one was ever meant to see their coworker naked, unless he was a hot, hot hunk of meat. Reid was a nerd, a nice nerd and a good person, but too nerdy for her to want to see naked.
"Mine! Naked! Mine!" Taylor began to mumble in a creepy way indicative to that thing from Lord of the Rings that insisted the ring was his. Then she cackled.
"She is still sleeping, right?" Emily cocked her head, seeing if she saw any movement within her sister indicating she was awake.
"I'm afraid so. You can't leave me here with her. That can't be normal." Reid moved his hands away from her, trying to wiggle out from under her, in a dead stop because of her weight. He was utterly disturbed by her, and he was beginning to panic, his eyes looking at Emily, trying to find some comfort in her telling him this was normal for her sister.
"No it can't. I'll see you in the office tomorrow. Toodles." Emily made a quick escape, fully intending on leaving Reid to freak out over how her sister managed to stay asleep, but still follow the conversation and become possessive of what she felt was hers. It was something she had done since she was a child.
That and she had woken up sometime during their conversation, but in order to hear what they were saying, faked being sleep. It was her age old trick. She had freaked Reid out on purpose. Emily figured the longer she could avoid telling Reid that, the more to her benefit it could be. Torturing Reid was more fun than she'd like to let her maturity admit to. But with tomorrow ahead and the past behind, she found little reassurance in the conversation the night brought, hoping the weight of the world and the scared little girl who was still ready to run and hide at any given trigger, would somehow find a way to fall upon someone else, someone stronger, who wasn't trying to make a fresh life for themselves. And a life of her own is what Taylor finally deserved.
